Dson99
Joined 12th Oct, 2018 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A very interesting story
I'm looking forward to more chapters.
Interesting story so far, the writing is mostly fine, but your biggest issues in your writing style is that you are missing a LOT of punctuations in your writing giving it a fast pastes and frantic feel to it which is hard to keep up with what's going on. I would suggest that you try to use a text to speech program like Balabolka (yes it's totally free), you can adjust the speed to what you want and you can more easily pick up on where you would need to add comas and periods or know when to break a sentence in two if you need too, by actually listening on how your sentences sound like, it's extremely useful. Another tip given that was given by a friend that helped him a lot in his own writing, to seeing the pattern of how a story is structured, is to try listening to audio books, you can find plenty on youtube of almost any genre that you might like. At the moment the protagonist I am not quite sure what is Onyx' personality or character at the moment other that he has the has the good sense of running away from a confrontation if he can(I wonder if he will have the chance to to flip his relation with Big B), and is easily obliges his new mother and that he previously was a gamer, I wonder how he is copping with being deprived of those in these past seven years, might not have been easy for him. I do like that the protagonist is a earth pony in an adventure story, especially with a ball cap which makes for an interesting element visualize him in compared to other stories. Keep it up.
This is a fun concept! I look forward to seeing where it goes!
Interesting, looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Ja
yay there is more. Mission to kill a god? good set up for a long story
more
i want more
where is more?
It has been a while since it was updated last but I'm going to hold onto hope that you continue this. It had a heck of a good start and was well written.