A Dream

by totallynotabrony

School Raze - part 1

I was down at The Half Pint getting plastered.

Twilight and Sunburst hadn’t taken the news about Starlight Glimmer very well. I mean, yeah, using one whole ghost to power a single pair of autodarkening sunglasses was kind of wasteful, but now that we knew that the process could improve with some refinement. They should be thanking me for using Starlight for a worthwhile cause. They really didn't like the pun about ”a Glimmer in my eyes.”

Instead, they were talking about sins against harmony and perversions of nature. They were the ones who had wanted to know. Hell, Twilight was the one that originally summoned Starlight.

At the same time, the bandage was ripped off and it wasn’t my problem anymore. And on a more positive note, I had some new drinking buddies.

The B-Team, with the library destroyed, had started hanging out at the pub. Since the A-Team, Twilight included, was back in town, they weren’t needed, so they just drank with me.

“You know, I never really told you guys how much I appreciate you,” I said.

“Don’t mention it, honey,” said Appletack.

“Well, he can mention it a little,” said Celebrity.

“I mean it,” I said. “This place would fall apart without our local magic cops. I can’t figure out what Equestria did before Celestia randomly picked six mares to solve every problem in the kingdom.”

“I read about it in a history book once,” said Reading Rainbow.

“I was actually writing a history book.”

“I know. I read your draft.”

“What was it about?” asked Shovelshy.

We were interrupted by Morning Matte coughing. “Sorry. I think I have a mild reaction to wheat. I probably should have picked one of the hypoallergenic beers.”

“Sounds rough,” said Bakey Pie. “Glad I don’t have that problem.”

“Anyway,” I said. “Thanks again, you guys. I have no idea where you came from, but I guess it’s better than not having you around.”

I paused. “‘Around?’ Yeah, hey Guinness, can I get a round for the whole place?”

The rest thanked me. I’m glad we’d had this moment.

Several more rounds later, I stumbled back to the library later as it was getting dark to collapse on the couch, but as I got to the door I remembered that Sunset was back and she was probably expecting me to be home.

Well, in so much as a home was a place that we hung out together a lot. Disregard my previous use of it, it wasn’t so much a home as a pad, home is just a convenient word.

I walked in. Sunset said, “You’re back early.”

“Early? It’s dark,”

“You’re wearing your Starlight sunglasses.”

I lifted them. “Oh.” I put them down on the table.

“How drunk are you?”

“Not very. Other than the sunglasses, I can still see.”

I fell asleep just then. Yes, standing up.

I was a little sore and stiff when I woke up, and still hungover. Terrible nap.

I fumbled for my sunglasses, but couldn’t find them.

Maybe one whole soul was a little much. Everyone knows ghosts are afraid of sunlight, so it stood to reason that they could be used to power the darkening mechanism. Maybe I’d used too much ghost, though.

Sunset walked into the room. “I wanted to talk to you. It’s about earlier.”

I must not have been very drunk at all because I immediately knew what she was talking about. Or thought I did.

Sunset went on. “There’s something I’ve been thinking about.”

“Okay.”

“I know you may not share my opinions, but I don’t want either of us to be left wondering. We need to have a frank and open discussion.”

“What the hell did they do to you in the other world?”

“Nothing, I just-” Sunset looked away for a moment. “While I was gone, missing you, I had a chance to codify my thoughts.”

“Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?”

“I’m talking about sex.”

“Oh. I...I was going to guess the Big Wang Theory.”

Sunset laughed. “Well, it can be the same thing.”

“Well, it’s not really. I’m not writing a history textbook about recreation procreation.”

“Valiant, you don’t need to dodge the issue. I’m just telling you what I think. So you know.”

I swallowed. This was not a time to go silent, but for the life of me, I couldn’t think of a thing to say.

I couldn’t believe it when Tin Mare sounded an alarm. I was honestly trying to come up with a response for Sunset, because she deserved it, but Tin Mare wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t important.

I tapped my earpiece. “What is it?”

“We have a situation on the submarine,” Tin Mare said. “Simultaneously, unicorns everywhere are discovering that their magic stopped working.”

Sunset was listening in and immediately tried to do magic. She got about one spark off her horn, but that was it.

“What’s the situation on the submarine?” I asked.

“Chancellor Neighsay has moved aboard, under a combination of salvage law and EEA school control authority.”

“Isn’t he a unicorn?”

“He has some sort of magical amulet.”

“Well, we know where magical amulets get you.” Dead by my hand, usually. “Well, open a comms channel to In Need of Beaning. I want him on the phone.”

Tin Mare arranged the network handshake. I turned to Sunset. “Your magic is gone?”

“I mean, I just spent a couple of months on the other side of the mirror, and I know how much you hate assholes like Neighsay taking your things, so we can look into the magic issue as we get time.” She smiled.

Damn, I really lov-

The screen on the desk turned on. It was the one in my office on the submarine. Neighsay seemed surprised, but quickly saw me on the screen on his end and turned haughty. “Well, well, if it isn’t the absentee principal. I’ll have you know the Equestrian Education Association has taken possession of this school, its facilities, and its weapons. It will be managed effectively and used to usher in the next generation of pony-led society.”

“Yeah, so you just ushered in the apocalypse,” I said, lying on the fly. “You know how I’m a bad person, right? Well, I had a failsafe put in place that if anyone took over the submarine from me, it would take all unicorn magic away. You probably noticed that yours stopped working.”

His face went pale, which was a pretty good trick because he was already white. He fought through it. “You think I can’t handle one of your little science projects? With this school under my command, we have all the research and development we need to completely reform society no matter what you’ve done.”

Huh, he wasn’t behind it, then. Well, we’d figure it out. I went on. “Anyway, you’re not in command. I left Admiral Falcon as captain in my absence.”

“Oh, you mean him?” Neighsay reached off frame and came back with Admiral Falcon. He was wearing a little falcon hood, so he thought it was night and stayed still. Curses! A bird of prey’s one weakness!

Neighsay smirked. “I’m the captain now.”

The corners of my mouth turned up. “You just said the magic words, asshole.” I ended the call and pressed the button for another comms circuit. “DEVGRU, assemble!”

Admittedly, that was no great feat. New Twilight, Yona, Owlowiscious, and I were the only members.

But just as they arrived, the girls also burst in, old Twilight in the lead. “Valiant, we need a ride to Canterlot! Unicorn magic has just disappeared and Princess Celestia is summoning us!”

“Kind of busy here,” I said. “Chancellor Neighsay took over the school submarine so we’re going to go kill him.”

“You can’t do that!”

I looked at her. “What are you going to do? You tell me no a lot, but what are you going to do?”

“I’m not going to let you kill the head of Equestria’s schools!”

“He’s a racist, a speciest, an arsonist, and now apparently a pirate. He sent hit squads after me. And yes, before you ask, I can show you video evidence of all those crimes. I’ve even given him several chances to back off that he ignored - which you know is several more than I usually give.”

“But the magic!”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll get to it. Come on, we’ll go to Canterlot afterwards.”

I still couldn’t find my sunglasses. I wondered if it was because Starlight had been a unicorn. Well, no matter. I pulled out a couple pairs of tech that I’d been working on as a replacement and after putting one on, handed the others to Super Cow, Mystic, and Owlowiscious. During the short conversation with old Twilight, they’d suited up. I’d suited up, too, though not in spandex: Camo body armor and cargo pants.

“These are special items I’ve come up with for DEVGRU,” I said. “They record video, can share it between them, and act as comms.” Camera feeds were projected in the corners of my lenses.

“Neat,” said Yona.

“And for you Twilight - new Twilight - I’ve got something very special.” I handed her a SEAL-spec SCAR assault rifle, identical to the one I was now slinging over my shoulder.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” she said.

“You’re human. You know how to walk on two legs and shoot people.”

“I’m a high school girl who studies magic! I don’t know how to use a gun!”

I let out a deep sigh. “Fine, whatever. Do whatever you want now that the unicorn magic is gone.” I handed the gun to Sunset.

We all loaded on Tin Mare. Twilight - old Twilight - was still complaining about how we weren’t doing enough to solve the magic crisis.

“Twilight, come on, we’ll just zip out to the submarine, kill Neighsay, and be to Canterlot faster than you could have walked there. It’s not a big deal.”

“Magic disappearing is a very big deal!”

“Twilight, what are you planning to do without a gun?”

“What are you-”

“New Twilight,” I clarified.

“I’m not sure,” new Twilight said. “But between us, we’ll figure it out.”

Owlowiscious appeared deep in thought. Sparks began to fly from his feathers.

“He still has magic!” said Twilight. New Twilight.

“He has magic?” said Twi-old Twilight.

This was really getting confusing to keep track of the two of them. I shook my head. “Twilight - new Twilight - I’m going to need you to shift callsigns to Snakeyes. Leave the moustache/nose glasses on, though.”

“Really?” said Snakeyes. “You could just call me Mystic, since I’m in my superhero uniform right now.”

“Maybe, but I’ll probably forget.” I saw the sub coming closer. Tin Mare pulled into a hover right over the deck and we stepped out.

I noticed the deck - the big black one - was partially painted. In fact, there was an open can of paint and a brush nearby, but nobody was around. Had Cordoba been in the middle of it but been called away? Had she tried to stop Neighsay while in her Tim Allen body?

We headed for the access hatch. I turned my head. “Alright, here we go. Don’t get hurt again, Mystic. I know how fragile you seem to be, especially all the times Owlowiscious has accidentally hit you with a spell.”

We went inside and my specialized glasses adjusted. I put up my SCAR and started clearing rooms, stepping lightly.

“I have activated all onboard camera feeds,” said Tin Mare. “He’s on the bridge, and appears to be holding Cordoba hostage.”

I swore under my breath.

We made our way there. I figured Tin Mare would warn us if Neighsay had any help, so for the moment I rested easy.

Snakeyes walked up beside me. I glanced around, seeing that we were roughly out of earshot from the others, who were still clearing rooms.

“After this, after you...murder this pony, and then we fix whatever is wrong with the magic, what are you going to do?” she asked.

“It’s not murder, he’s got a hostage,” I said. “Also, I appreciate your confidence in me that we can fix it despite not knowing anything about what’s broken. To answer your question, though…”

I glanced around and leaned closer. “I’ll tell you a secret, since with Twilight back you probably aren’t going to be here much longer. This universe since I did a reset has just been too weird so I’m going to roll it back a bit. Back to what I knew before. Back before I had to be a principal. Back to when Libby was just a nuclear weapon.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“That’s also why I’m telling you.”

We got to the bridge. I stopped just outside the door. I gestured for the others to stay outside. I turned on my camera feed, rigged to the rest of the team’s glasses, and stepped into the bridge.

Neighsay was there, holding a nail gun to Cordoba’s head. I heard Snakeyes gasp as she saw the situation. I heard Sunset growl with a noise like an impending thunderstorm.

“Stay back,” said Neighsay, cowering behind Cordoba. “I’m in charge here.”

“Nuh uh.”

He blinked. “You can’t just say ‘nuh uh’ to the Equestrian Education Association!”

“Yes I can. I can also shoot you in the face.”

I raised my SCAR. “Cordoba, do you trust me?”

“Dad, no!” Cordoba said. “Remember, Tim Allen rules!”

She had a point. If I missed, not only would I kill Cordoba, but I’d be Tim Allen. This was really a bad time to be hungover. I shouldn’t have bought ten rounds for the B-Team.

“Options?” I said quietly into my earpiece.

“Ordinarily, I’d go for precision magic,” said Snakeyes. “But unicorn magic is gone right now. We could...maybe get Owlowiscious to do it.”

“Not with his track record.”

“He’s good for an owl.”

“We’re in a hostage situation. That’s not good enough.”

“He can charge me up, and I can do the spell.”

“What are you whispering to yourself about?” Neighsay called.

“Do it,” I said to Snakeyes. “But you’re going to have to come in as fast and hard as you can. He’s got a nail gun to Cordoba’s head.

I moved my eye to the corner of my glasses, watching them work. Yona got ready, lifting Snakeyes and apparently getting ready to throw her into the room for maximum speed. Owlowiscious flapped his wings and charged a spell. “Hooooooooo…!”

He cast the spell and everything immediately went to shit. The beam was too wide and it hit both Yona and Snakeyes. In horror, I watched Super Cow and fragile Mystic hexed by Owlowiscious, the magic blast knocking them both down the hallway.

As if in slow motion, my eyes went back to Neighsay, who was flinching from the blast. His hoof hit the trigger. TAC!

As the blood spilled out of Cordoba’s head, Neighsay threw her to the side, rushing to get clear of my aim. Cordoba hit the floor, spasmed, and then stopped moving.

Then, her body changed into a silver and blue pegasus filly.

Cordoba opened her eyes as I rushed forward and wrapped my hooves around her, pulling her to me. “Oh my God.”

She blinked. “Dios mio. But how? Maybe because I am a robot, and once dead as Tim Allen, reverted to my natural form that can’t really die. ”

“I don’t give a shit why you turned back, I just care that you’re, well, back.”

I heard a scream and looked over to where Neighsay was looking at his new Tim Allen fingers in horror. I yanked my sidearm and raised it, but Cordoba put a hoof on my foreleg. “You know the rules.”

I let a breath out through clenched teeth. “Shit.”

Author's Note:

This might be the first time I've shown anyone my ideas for A Dream document where I keep 23 pages of mostly sentence fragment memory-joggers for stuff I want to do with the story and things to remember about what I've already done. It also helps me remember how long I've been building up to jokes. In this case, eight months. As you remember from the comment cap on the last chapter, that's pretty much the only reason why I did a superhero subplot.

Comments

[StardustSurvivor]

Goddammit Tim Allen.

[Lesolan - Rest In Peace]

Boy, this is awkward. I guess you don't remember me editing a chapter with you some time ago? We were on skype, I believe, and you linked me to the doc for an hour as we went through the things to put into the chapter.

I asked at some point how you kept track of all the stuff and then you said it was a doc. Then I asked how you wrote stuff down, like with time lines or whatever and I can't really remember how you responded and then I asked if I could see it because I felt like I wasn't helping nearly enough, and then you said I was doing way more than most, and that left me a bit flustered and somewhat aggravated about how uninvolved I thought the other people must be.

Good times.

[TartarusFire]

Oh my god that setup, worth the 8 months I feel

[Coffee Toffee]

Amazing!