A Dream

by totallynotabrony

Flutter Brutter

Trixie, Daring, and Cordoba had gone to the Hormel Foods headquarters in Austin, Minnesota along with former TV anchor Stan Turner to investigate a mysterious shipping container. And now, the moment had come: what was in the box?

They opened the shipping container. It was stacked to the ceiling with plastic packages and a chill hung in the air from refrigeration units.

Trixie looked around and saw a shipping manifest on the wall. “It’s twenty tons of bacon.”

Cordoba clapped her hands. “Great!”

“Not so fast!” shouted a voice. They turned.

A group of people wearing long robes approached. All of them seemed to be carrying wands.

“We are the South Central Minnesota Harry Potter Cosplay Club,” said one woman. “I am Professor Minerva McGonagall, and I demand you surrender to us at once!”

“Why?” said Cordoba.

“I think this has something to do with one of dad’s exes, Hermione Granger,” said Trixie.

“What’s cosplay?” Daring asked.

“Costume play. We dress up as our favorite characters,” replied McGonagall.

Trixie snorted. “Oh, dressing up, but as someone else. Real original.”

“We don’t have to answer to you!”

“You see, that’s where you’re wrong,” said Trixie. “Answer me this, who’s your material supplier? If anyone’s going to wear well-tailored magical garb, it might as well be me.”

“Not that I mind a sharp-dressed mare, but is this really the time?” Daring asked her, under her breath.

Cordoba, meanwhile, had stepped forward. She pointed at one man. “Who are you and what’s with the sword?”

“Neville Longbottom,” he said, drawing the weapon. “With this blade, I slew the giant serpent Nagini at the battle of Hogwarts.”

“Did you just draw on me?” said Cordoba. “Are you threatening me? I can teach you a few things about the way the world really works.”

“I'll join you when hell freezes over! Dumbledore's Army!”

“Oh, so we’re doing heroic quotes now?” said Cordoba. “I’ve got one that I’ve been waiting to use. ‘Who temporarily has two thumbs and is going to kick your ass?’”

She pointed to herself and then dropped her hand to her cutlass. “And now, cosplay or not, I’m going to stab you repeatedly.”

Meanwhile, in Cloudsdale, Fluttershy was dealing with her outgoing, yet worthless younger brother.

Zephyr Breeze was perpetually unshaven and out of a job. He had recently quit mane therapy school and moved back home. While everyone agreed that he should have been out actually being a productive member of society, it was hard to argue that living with his parents wasn’t easier.

Fluttershy and Zephyr’s parents were loaded. After the Cloud Factory explosion, Mr. Shy’s rare cloud collection had become worth millions.

Zephyr walked in during lunch. “Guess who's home! That’s right, big sis, it’s your one and only favorite little brother, moi.”

Valiant probably would have beaten him for casually abusing French. Being Valiant, he wouldn’t have defended the French, though.

“I’m surprised to see you, Zephyr,” said Fluttershy. “When you left, you said mane therapy was your calling.”

“Oh, it is, sis, it is. You would not believe how much stress ponies hold in their manes. Everything gets limp and unmanageable.”

“What went wrong?” Fluttershy asked.

“Nothing went wrong, per se. It’s just the powers that be were so locked into their required styles, and you know me, I’ve got my own style. And I think they were a little threatened.” Zephyr sighed. “Ah well. More time for me to fend off Rainbow Dash’s advances.”

“While I don’t think anypony would be surprised if Rainbow were to cheat on her husband, she has, well...a husband.”

Zephyr didn’t show any sign of hearing her. “I kinda thought there’d be more ponies here. I mean, what about your party planner friend, um... Sprinkle Pie! She could’ve turned this into a real house par-tay, am I right? I mean, this place could use it. Drab!”

Showing remarkable assertiveness, even after her assertive training, Fluttershy asked for a moment of her parent’s time. Privately, she said, “I’m not so sure letting Zephyr move back home is a good idea. I know you both want to help, but don’t you remember last time?”

But her parents were pushovers. Fluttershy got it from them.

Later that day, Fluttershy visited Ponyville. Pinkie spotted her flying overhead and shouted, “Fluttershy! It’s me, Pinkie Pie! Your girlfriend!”

Most ponies ignored Pinkie’s shouting, since she did it so much and so often. Fluttershy especially tried to ignore her. There’s only so much lesbian sex one can take, especially when one is taking it so often.

Twilight had called a meeting in the library. It took awhile for them to round up Rainbow, but when all six of them were present, she began. “Girls, it has come to my attention that we face a serious threat from the Love Meister.”

“With a name like that? Psh,” said Cracker.

Twilight frowned at her. “What are you doing here?”

“This is a public library, isn’t it?”

That sounded a little like an argument Valiant had once made, but Twilight put it to the side and turned back to her friends. “We need to stop the Love Meister before he strikes. We’ve received a message that he has a lair in a quaint little flat in the city. If we don’t stop him soon, he’ll attack.”

“What kind of attack?” said Applejack.

“What city?” said Rainbow.

“When?” said Rarity.

“Where did the message come from?” said Fluttershy.

“Does anypony just want to chill and eat cake instead?” said Pinkie. Cracker raised a hoof.

Twilight responded, “I don’t know for the first three; Braeburn told me about the message; and really Pinkie?”

“It seems like a lot of information about the Love Meister has come from Braeburn,” commented Bible, coming into the room. He was looking slightly singed.

“What happened to you?” asked Twilight.

“Sir Win was going out of town for a while and said this attack on me would have to do for now.” Bible shrugged. “I got him with some holy water in return.”

“Going back to earlier, why do you say that Braeburn knows so much about the Love Meister?” Twilight asked.

“I’m a book; I have a good memory. It just seems like he’s the one who’s always discovered the messages.”

“Well, all of us have been busy dealin’ with Princess Ember and a few other things,” Applejack pointed out. “Plus maybe Tin Mare told him something she overheard with her fancy electronic gizmos.”

“Sounds like we should go consult the two of them, then,” said Twilight.

Back in Austin, Minnesota, the Harry Potter cosplayers were fleeing after Cordoba demonstrated that she wasn’t playing a part. When it became apparent that her cutlass wasn’t for show, they decided that perhaps they shouldn’t have been so pushy. Everybody wants to be a gangster until it’s time to do gangster shit.

They left Stan Turner to guard the bacon while they went after the cosplayers. As it happened, there was a Harry Potter convention in town and Trixie sqee’d with delight at the material vendors.

They had some money and a little time left, so it wasn’t a problem to take a look around. At least until the South Central Minnesota Harry Potter Cosplay Club found them again.

Professor Minerva McGonagall stepped forward, adjusting her wig. “There they are! The muggles that think they can overcome us!”

“Oh, you did not just call The Great and Powerful Trixie a muggle!”

The cosplayer smirked. “Minnie McGee strikes again. What are you going to do about it? Do you really think the three of you can take on the hundreds of us at the convention?”

Trixie pulled out her M60. “Yes.”

“Don’t ask a question if you don’t want an answer,” Cordoba added. She turned to Trixie. “Two to the chest, face gets the rest.”

“Seems wasteful,” said Trixie. “They’re just kids in costumes. They do show remarkable resolve, though, even after you stabbed that one repeatedly.”

“Yes...murder is sometimes the answer, but mass murder just makes us seem like assholes,” Cordoba said. She looked around. “Why don’t we just trash and loot the place?’

That was fine with the other two. Trixie had wanted some of the things anyway. Daring, ever the archeologist, was good at picking quality from dregs. To her delight, Cordoba found a bandanna with fighter plane-style teeth printed on it.

They went back and said goodbye to Stan. “All right, time to bring all this bacon back to Equestria,” said Trixie.

“I wonder what dad wanted us to do with it?” said Cordoba.

Trixie shrugged. “I’m sure we’ll figure it out.” She activated the spell.

In Ponyville, Fluttershy found herself in possession of a new roommate and was rather distraught about it. It was Zephyr.

Fluttershy began, “You can stay here-”

“You’re the best!” Zephyr interrupted. “We’re gonna have so much fun.”

“On one condition,” Fluttershy went on.

“Totally. Anything.”

“You have to get a job.”

Zephyr scratched his head. “But what’s your job, Fluttershy? I’ve always kind of wondered.”

“I’m the caretaker of animals that need help.”

“Does that pay?”

“It doesn’t have to. I grow food in my garden and the animals help out. You, on the other hoof, have nothing valuable to your name and no marketable skills. What does your cutie mark even mean? I should get the Cutie Mark Crusaders in here to interpret it.”

“Now there’s no need to do that!”

“So get a job.”

“Cracking the whip, huh? You always were kind of bossy.”

Fluttershy stared at him. What Pinkie forced her to do during BDSM sessions was her own business. “Zephyr Breeze…”

“Kidding! Get a job, absolutely.” He paused. “But one question before we begin. Why do you have a pin up picture of yourself?”

“You have a ‘sexy’ portrait of your own that you had specifically commissioned.”

“Touché.”

Getting Zephyr a job proved easier said than done. Zephyr either completely misinterpreted or ignored orders, or Tom Sawyered his way out of work. Fluttershy eventually reluctantly enlisted her perfectly willing slaves to help. With Daisy, Roseluck, and Lily’s help, they came to the conclusion that bartending would be perfect for Zephyr. Fluttershy decided that they were right. Her brother was both sociable and not much for physical work.

Guinness had to be convinced, however. “The pub does a good business, but we don’t really have need for somepony else.”

“So take some time off and spend it with your daughter,” suggested Fluttershy.

“Well...I suppose if Rainbow is off with the Wonderbolts,” Guinness allowed.

“Rainbow Dash?” said Zephyr. “She’s so into me.”

A range of emotions went through Guinness, but he ultimately said nothing.

Zephyr’s first day at the pub was not too bad. Guinness came by to check on him that afternoon.

Zephyr had moved in and made the workspace his own. A bunny gnome was set on the bar and Zephyr seemed to be enjoying himself. Guinness sat down. “How are things?”

“Pretty good. I’ve even invented my own drink. It’s beer mixed with fermented grain.”

A range of emotions went through Guinness, but he ultimately said nothing.

Rainbow walked in. Zephyr grinned at her. “Hey there. I knew you couldn’t stay away from me.”

“You work here?” said Rainbow as she sat down next to Guinness. “My husband gave you a job?”

“Are you impressed?” Zephyr asked, leaning over the bar. “I know Fluttershy thinks I’m a deadbeat, but here I am with stable employment as everyone’s favorite bartender.”

“You’ve had the job for less than a day,” Guinness said.

“I’m just that fast.” Zephyr winked at Rainbow. “Like some ponies I could mention.”

“Are you seriously hitting on my wife when I’m sitting right here?” said Guinness.

“Rainbow’s had the hots for me ever since we were kids,” Zephyr said.

“Zephyr’s been deluded ever since we were kids,” Rainbow shot back.

“Deluded...with love!”

“You’re fired,” said Guinness.

Zephyr shrugged. “More time for the lovely Rainbow.”

“I’m not interested!” Rainbow shouted. “I never have been!”

“Maybe a little time alone could change your mind.” Zephyr wigglewaggled his eyebrows.

Guinness and Rainbow traded glances.

“I’ll hold him down,” said Guinness.

“I’ll grab that bunny gnome,” said Rainbow.

Zephyr was admitted to the hospital shortly thereafter with massive anal trauma. The Wonderbolts didn’t call Rainbow “Assault and Battery” for nothing. He was kind of a big one. He would live, but had learned an important lesson.

“This job is for me,” he decided. “Even if Rainbow Dash isn’t.”

“I’m glad you’ve learned a few things today,” said Fluttershy from his bedside. “Who knew you’d enjoy bartending?”

“No, I was talking about things up my butt,” Zephyr said. “Did you know rectal thermometer tester is a real position?”

“He’s not wrong,” said the doctor. “Turn around.” He inspected the site of the injury. “Yes, this is going to take awhile to heal. We’ll have to keep you here for a while.”

“A chance to lie back and take it easy for a while?” said Zephyr. “Count me in.”

Fluttershy was immediately concerned that he would backslide, but she was running out of time for her visit. Her friends were on the way to intercept the Love Meister. She said goodbye and promised to visit as soon as she could.

Zephyr lay back on the bed, proud of himself. He’d held a job, and while it had ended badly, it wasn’t for performance reasons. As soon as he got out of the hospital, he could make a new start for himself.

Suddenly, a steel shipping container holding twenty tons of bacon materialized in the air above him and squashed him flat.

Meanwhile, the girls headed to the city of Manehattan, escorted by Braeburn and Tin Mare. In a hasty meeting in the cargo area, Braeburn laid out what he had learned.

“While we were waiting on Rarity’s grand opening on Saddle Row the other day, I found what I think is the Love Meister’s headquarters. It’s a top-floor flat in one of the fancy skyscrapers downtown. It seemed to be packed with plans and schematics for attack.”

“What kind of attack can we expect?” Twilight asked.

Braeburn shook his head. “I didn’t go inside to read them.”

“How should we go about this?” said Applejack. “A top floor target should be easy to drop in on. Can’t just level the place, what with all the ponies around Manehattan.”

“Then I will get you to the insertion point and stand by,” said Tin Mare.

She came in over the building. The apartment occupied the top floor, and had a wide patio outside. Rainbow and Fluttershy flew down, while Twilight teleported. Rarity had experience fast roping out of flying machines, and Applejack and Pinkie could figure it out.

The six of them regrouped on the patio. The sliding glass doors were unlocked and they went inside.

“Aren’t we technically trespassing?” Rarity said.

“With good reason,” Twilight pointed out.

“This still feels a little too easy,” commented Applejack.

“Yes, and what supervillain lives in a nice apartment in a cosmoplitan city?” asked Rarity. “Not that I’m complaining. I’m so done with caves.”

The flat was quite nicely furnished. Scraps of poetry and drawings of hearts were scattered around. Rainbow went through the papers on the table, pulling one out. “This says ‘you’re trapped.’”

“We’re what?” said Pinkie. “That would be silly, unless there was some sort of spell that was activated by us walking in here and made it impossible for us to leave.”

Applejack tried the door. “Eeyup. I knew it was too easy.”

“Well, I’ll just break it,” said Twilight. She concentrated and her horn glowed. She frowned, eyes closed as she explored the spell. “I’ve never seen magic like this before! I hope I could figure it out, but it might take quite a while. There’s no telling what the Love Meister will do if he catches us here in the meantime.”

Applejack braced and gave the glass a hard buck. A heretofore unseen pink energy field absorbed the force, spreading it out over the rest of the flat.

“How are we supposed to get out?” Fluttershy worried.

“There’s more,” said Rainbow. She continued reading the note. “Only true love can break the spell.”

“I got this,” said Pinkie. She wigglewaggled her eyebrows at Fluttershy.

“Even if Fluttershy truly loved you, none of us want to see that,” said Twilight.

“So what can we do?” asked Rarity.

Circling above, Tin Mare said to Braeburn, “They seem to be waving for help.”

Braeburn consulted the camera feed. “Strange. Take us down.”

Tin Mare landed on the patio and Braeburn approached the glass doors.

“We’re a little stuck here,” Applejack said through the glass. “It’s ‘cause of a magic spell that will only release with true love.”

Braeburn touched the outside of the sliding door, but it was stuck.

“What about Cadance?” said Twilight. “No, she’s too far away. I don’t know where you could find true love, Braeburn, but it’s up to you.”

“What about Aunt and Uncle Orange?” said Applejack.

Braeburn shook his head. “Didn’t you get their postcard? They’re on vacation.”

“Some random ponies, then,” said Rarity. “I know how Manehattan ponies can be, but you could get them to come up here if you insist hard enough. You are with Tin Mare after all.”

“Tin Mare…” said Braeburn, turning his eyes back to her. He thought for a moment. "True love...” He flushed. “Do you think...could you…”

“No,” she said.

Author's Note:

This chapter directed by Dastardly Hun

Comments

[Dastardly Hun]

Oh snap, moment I started reading it I remembered we forgot about the staged reveal. Well, something for the next challenger then!

Also, they will totally get out when AJ hears about her one true love, the container full of bacon. Their relationship would take "eating out" to the next level.

[Ultimate Bromaeda]

Calling it, Sunset is Love Meister.

[Spiritus Arcane]

“Maybe a little time alone could change your mind.” Zephyr wigglewaggled his eyebrows.

Guinness and Rainbow traded glances.

“I’ll hold him down,” said Guinness.

“I’ll grab that bunny gnome,” said Rainbow.

Zephyr was admitted to the hospital shortly thereafter with massive anal trauma.

I wish this had happened in the real episode.

Suddenly, a steel shipping container holding twenty tons of bacon materialized in the air above him and squashed him flat.

...I take it back. I wish THIS had happened in the real episode.

[General Grant]

Now that we have a lawn gnome, whenever someone has to go into space again, is the gnome going with them ala Half-Life 2?

[Amos Anon]

Suddenly, a steel shipping container holding twenty tons of bacon materialized in the air above him and squashed him flat.

Bronies everywhere cheered... including myself.