The Princesses have been hiding something about a certain unicorn but they have not revealed it to any one
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 12th Mar, 2013
- offline last seen April 24th
BrightKnight 42
I am just a brony who gets most of his ideas from what he reads
BrightKnight 42
Joined 12th Mar, 2013 ·
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yay a new story and are you going to make more chapters for your first story until it is finished and make chapters for this story at the same time and i love it
3273002 after the next chapter in the New life with Lies it will be going into a hiatus
for a little bit cause it is starting to get old and I am starting to freeze up on my sentences. I literally started over 5 times in the opening alone. I just need something new to write during that time
3273030 ok and when it is on hiatus after the next chapter will you forget about that story and never make anymore chapters for that story
Umm, I did notice a lot of mistakes early on, usually during dialogue. Don't worry to much, though, it's just capitalization and punctuation, nothing major.
3273055 no i will take it out of it at some point but i just want to take my mind off of it for now
3273060 ok
I think you meant "revealed it" in yor description, not "reviled it". The former means 'made known', while the latter is a misuse of a word meaning 'hate'
3273397 fix Thank you it has been a long day
I sense a disturbance in the force. There is a fantastic story on the way.
*gasp* was sombra from the future? lol idk wat im saying it doesnt make any sense
hope you have chapter 2 up soon
3322588 working on it it is half done
When will chapter two be out?
3370017 soon i am i am working on how to phrase some sentences
Ohhh clif hanger I am eager to find out what is next
Good story, but it needs to be edited badly.
Yay she has her memories back! Can't wait to see what happens next!
dun dun duun! mork the Ork god demands more
Ohhh the suspense is just killer
DAMN YOU CLIFFHANGEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
... go on...
3671741 i have the chapter done i just am waiting on my editor
going on a hunch Twi's either the princesses' sister, or daughter
3673180
I vote she's both,
Celestia's daughter,
and huh through a long hidden royal scandal Luna's Sister
DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHH
3673354 Welp my mind is blown...
3671989 I know the feeling. One time my editor didn't do it for a month, and it was my first chapter too. He's not happy I live with him.
3673554
ohohohoh or
Celestia and Twilight are actually Sister's
and Luna is Twilight's Eldest Duaghter and Cadence older sister that she doesn't know she has
3674170 MAYBE TWILIGHT IS GOD AND EVERYONE IS HER SON/DAUGHTER!
3674294
ya you went way to far and just ruined the fun of it all
3674401 GOOD
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/232/114/e39.png
3674482
Now if you had said something along the lines of, after Celestia told Twilight not to return to Sombra when she had said something about him was off and Celestia saw his future and Luna being the only one there to consul her in her sadness had fallen inlove with one another. then you could have added to the fun
Not likely. You mind-raped her. On Earth, that's punishable by death.
To everyone who has read, liked, and/or favorited this story, I would like to apologize for the poor grammar within the chapters.
I haven't had as much time as I would like, but rest assured i will get them edited and ready for re-posting as fast as possible.
Sincerely,
Bringer of Despair
First the technical issues. This story is in desperate need of editing. I get the overal impression that this story is supposed to be in third person limited, but it drifts around in tense randomly. I found myself having to reread a number of sentences and paragraphs to figure out what was being said because a lot of the errors were that bad. I can go on with this review because I think I managed to translate it into English sufficiently to understand it, but I'll offer a disclaimor now that I could have totally failed in that regard. It really is that bad.
We start off with a retelling of a scene from the show. While not the best of storytelling practices, it can be necessary in a work of fanfiction. Thankfully the retelling is very brief, and the alterations this story makes to the timeline quickly become apparent. As I read further I can't tell if this was done on purpose or if it was a happy accident, because events in this story kind of leap around with little rhyme or reason.
In this opening scene we have Twilight trapped by Sombra's spell after touching the Crystal Heart. The dialogue between her and Spike is somewhat choppily done, but I get the impression that after Twilight tells him to take the heart and go that he does so. The story doesn't actually describe this happening, but since we see no further interaction with Spike, and other stuff begins to happen, I assume that much was followed from canon.
Without any sense of waiting or time passing, immediatly after telling Spike to go, suddenly Sombra. I initially thought that this was an alternate play of events where Somrba maybe teleports to the chamber and is there to stop the Crystal Heart from even leaving the room. However since it quickly becomes apparent that this is not the Sombra from the show, and he doesn't even seem to notice or care about Spike, I can only assume as I described above. So with some reader-filled in passage of time, I interpret that Spike Successfully got the Heart to Cadance, and rather than be blown up, he's here visiting Twilight.
I'll stop my recap of the story here and point out that detailing what happened differently to get us to this scene with Sombra and Twi in the chamber of the Crystal Heart would do wonders for making the story make actual sense.
The story continues to drive forward like this without ever actually explaining much. What I did manage to get is that in this alternate universe Twilight was the queen of the Crystal Empire, married to King Sombra, and Cadance is their daughter. Celestia and Luna show up and do some things, which involve erasing/editing/sealing some of Twilight's memories. Cadance is apparently left with hers intact, but sworn to secrecy over the whole ordeal. Sombra is still the evil/corrupted one and banished along with the empire itself for over a thousand years as per canon.
This setup of course brings a lot of questions to mind. In particular, what kind of life has this AU Twilight had that difers from canon? In canon we know Twilight was recently very a very young filly, attended Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, etc. In this story she's over a thousand years old. She also apparently used to have wings according to Sombra, though she clearly lacks them up to this point. Maybe these explanations are supposed to happen in future chapters, so I can't really fault the story for not delving into them yet, but it is still a concern.
Another concern is an issue of apparent cruelty. Cadance is depicted as having full memory of whatever things were like, what happened, and has kept these memories for the entire interim. She's apparently played foalsitter for a filly Twilight, her mom. Whatever bad things happened with her dad, Cadance still is depicted as loving him and having had a hard life without a father.
We also have some interaction between Celestia and Luna about their perspective of the events, in particular about what they did to Twilight's memories. There is clearly a great deal of regret over it. I have to wonder why it wasn't necessary to seal Cadance's memories but it was to seal Twilight's. I have to wonder what actually did happen back a thousand years or so ago.
Now, normally having an incomplete story leaving all these questions would more or less be a good thing. 3 chapters in and already a lot of questions being raised would provide impetus to keep reading to find out what the answer is to all these questions. I use the terms "wonder" rather generously though. I don't use them in the context of "this is a good story and I wonder what happens next!?" but rather "I wonder if the author even thought of these."
Moving on from the ploy/storyline criticism let me say a few things about characterization.
It's flat.
The cast of characters includes Twilight, Spike, Sombra, Cadance, the other five Element Bearers (though only Rainbow and Rarity get speaking parts), Shining Armor, Luna and Celestia (in approximately that order of appearance). Out of all of these characters though, Cadance has the most screen time, with much of it spent with Sombra in three scenes. While Sombra is present on-screen a lot, he generally sits around and listens. Twilight has the next most screen-time actively.
Cadance seems to be cast into a fairly generic crying daughter who misses her family role. While canon Cadance doesn't have much personality, we don't see any of her supposed strength and resolve.
I can't even really see much of anything of Twilight Sparkle from the show on display in this story. Sure at one point she's tearing the library apart looking for something, but even that is marred by the fact that apparently what she is looking for ends up being some kind of secret trigger for some hidden rooms to show up. Despite the scenes she is in giving her plenty of opportunity to interact with her friends and others in the story, she tends to be nearly silent the whole time.
In fact, for how much dialogue is in this story, very little actual talking seems to be accomplished. Huh.
Instead, everyone is too busy auditioning for Rain Bird (a brand name of lawn irrigation device manufacturer) with how much crying is going on.
Rather than actually move the story along or reveal anything I expect the next chapter will involve everyone drinking copious amounts of water in order to rehydrate and prepare for the fifth chapter of more crying. In fact, I hope that is actually what literally happens because then this story would at least be somewhat funny, and develop some entertainment value.
So I suppose I will close with this. Is this story a lost cause? Very likely. I'm not convinced the author has any amazing plotline hidden away to be revealed in the future. The basic setup we have so far of some alternate history with Sombra just isn't all that compelling on it's own. What story we do have to work with is a mess on many levels. Even the basic level of writing ability is clearly lacking.
O.o
3852645 nobody asked for a paragraph of critique.
3885186 Considering you obviously don't know what a "paragraph" is, I don't think you're in a position to say Cryosite shouldn't be doing what she's doing.
3885186
The author asked for one. Maybe not directly, but by posting a story he/she/it invites anyone and everyone to comment as they please.
Not to a mention the overwhelming majority of fics of this caliber are lucky to get even a paragraph of real critique instead of just jeers. That is, people should be thankful when someone puts that much thought into helping someone like this just in passing.
3887242 I'll just throw a taco at you.Tacos fix everything.^.^
3887263 okay. Just because no one likes it when you randomly Criticize something.Lol.But if da author asked for it, I suppose it fine.^.^
3887278 I know I wouldn't be.Wut about you?^.^
3887345
If I publish one, I'd love for someone to comment like that on my stories. In fact, I'd be ecstatic if all my comments looked like that, so it would be obvious what I'm doing wrong, and I could grow as an author.
3887355 yeah, that too.And thank you for not being rude in your comments.Your attitude is appreciated!Tacos for all!
3887365 Are people rude to you here so often that you're surprised when they aren't?
3887355
Whenever you do decide to write something, feel free to send it my way to have me review it. The easiest way to bring it to my attention is to join my group and add it to the recommendations folder.
3887382 Oh, well, thanks for the offer, I'll keep it in mind.
3887382 I already did, lol, but I made it cheesy.And I made it cheesy on purpose.
3887409 CHEESSSEEEEEEE!
3887409 CHEESSSEEEEEEE!