C3: Tears of Shadows
Queen of Crystals
By: BrightKnight 42
Edited by:Bringer of Despair
Preread By: Clyde
Chapter 3: Tears of Shadows
Princess Celestia and Luna just stared at Twilight and Cadence as they stayed in their embrace both of them crying. After a couple of minutes the two sister looked at each other and noded then looked at the other two ponies in the room and started to speak. "Twilight are you alright?"
As soon as she heard the Celestial sisters voices she released her embrace for Cadence and whispered something into her ear then turn toward the two alicorns and spook. "Yes I am alright Celestia, Luna. I just wanted to give Cadence a hug after all the time that had passed since I had hug her with me knowing who I am and who she is to me."
"Twilight Sparkle are you sure you are alright you don't sound like your normal self." Said Luna hesitantly as she moved closer to Twilight.
“Again Yes I am Luna. I am just mad at you and Celestia for what you did so many years ago." Said Twilight as she saw luna coming closer to her.
"Tia and I know that you are mad but we do it for your protection. You have more meaning to us than the moon and sun themselves." As Luna finished speaking she was close enough to grabbed Twilight into a hug
Twilight looked at Luna with a odd look on her face as she was pulled into a tighter hug and asked "What do you mean by that Luna?"
Luna looked down at Twilight like she had did something wrong and her eyes started to tear up as she looked into Twilight's eyes and saw nothing she remembered. "I-i-i have to go." Said Luna as she ran out of the throne room with tears down her face.
"But Luna what's .. Wrong." But Twilight was too late Luna had already left hearing distance. Then Twilight turned around to face Celestia and asked. "What did i do wrong that upset Luna?"
"You did nothing wrong Twilight Luna is just sad that something's did not come back to her." Answered Celestia and she started to move "I am very sorry but I have to go see if Luna is all right I will be back to check it on you later."
"OK Celestia I will see you in a little bit." Said Twilight as Celestia left.
As soon as Celestia left Twilight felt another pony pull her in a hug "Twilight, now would you like to go see Sombra?" Asked Cadence
Twilight thought for a minute before giving her an answer. "Yes I would love to see him right now." Then they started to walk off to the dungeons.
Celestia walked down the Crystal Palace looking for her sister only to find her in the room that was provided to her sister and herself. When she walked into the main room she heard cry coming from one of the two bedrooms. As she walked up to the door she saw that Luna was on the bed with tears flowing down her face.
Celestia went over to her sister and lay down next to her well draping a wing over her to confer her. "Luna I know you are sad but this is not her fault. You have to remember that you were the one who took her memories away from her in the first place but it is not your fault either." Said Celestia as she paused of a moment. "No it is neither of your faults its mainly mine after I told her that she was not allowed to see sombra after I saw what of his future."
"I know sister I remember the night you came and told me about what you saw about it. I also remember that you told me that it was better for you to tell Twilight that she was not allowed to see Sombra than it was for the both of us to." Said Luna accepting her sisters embrace.
The two were quiet for a few minutes before Celestia spoke up "You know that we could always bring her back where she remembers everything and not just some of it."
"Sister you and I both know that she get all of her memory's back that she will hate the both of us if we do." Said Luna as she backed away from her sister.
"I know Luna but I think it is for the best but--" bust she was cut off by Luna putting a hoof in her mouth
“Sister I don't think it is a good idea I also don't want her to be mad at us for what we had to do. I just wish we had not done it at all at least we wouldn’t have to deal with this now.” Yelled Luna
“Luna I think it is best but she will be mad at us but she will forgive us at some point.” Said Celestia after she got Luna’s hoof out of her mouth.
“Sister what you are suggesting is what i don't want to do and i also don't want to deal with it right now since we have more important matters on hand.” Said Luna as she stormed off though the castle.
As Sombra was laying on his cot he heard pony's outside his cell yelling at something. For a couple of minutes this went on until he heard the yelling stop and something coming up to his cell. Her looked over his shoulder to see Cadence standing there looking at him.
"I see that you are back what do you have for me this time?" As he sat up he saw another pony standing next to her.
"I brought you somepony you would love to see." Said Cadence as she revealed Twilight to Sombra.
"Why did you bring her she does not remember me. She doesn't even remember who she is or-" but Sombra was stopped by Twilight pulling him into a kiss.
"Remember Sombra things can change at any time." Said Twilight with a giggle
"W-W-Wh... How" Said Sombra in surprise as he got another kiss from Twilight
"I found the the hidden rooms in the private library thanks to Cadence" Said Twilight as Sombra looked over to his daughter.
As Sombra was about to speak his attention was pulled back to twilight as she put her hoof on his chen and making him look deeply in to her eyes
As Twilight looked into Sombra's eyes she saw many things. Things that was not best for the crystal empire. "You know Sombra when use to look into your eyes I sàw joy and acceptance but now when I look into your eyes I see nothing but darkness, despair and loneliness and that is not what this kingdom needs." Said Twilight as she moved away from Sombra only to see the the purple mist was still in his eye and was not dissipating like Cadence had said when she had encountered him.
As Sombra saw Twilight move away from him he moved closer only to be stopped by a magical field stopping him. He looked up at Twilight and asked "W-why is this field up why can't I come any closer?"
"Because you are not the stallion I love. The one I did was caring and kind but now I don't see that in you any more." Said Twilight as she looked back at sombra as tears slowly went down her face.
"But Twilight I am myself I haven't changed at all." Said sombra as he tried to force his way through the magical field only to be throwback in the cell
Twilight look at sombra as he laid on the ground slowly getting up “Sombra if you were yourself the Crystal heart would of let you near me have you forgotten that that i am bound to it. it wont let you near me because of the dark magic that runs through your veins.” As Twilight finished speaking she turned around and started to walk away from the cell.
As Sombra saw as the love of his life walked away from the cell he noticed Cadence looked back with back as she gave him an apologetic look before she continued to walk with Twilight.
After Twilight and Cadence had walked away Sombra looked at the ground sadden at what just happened as he had started to cry alone with no love around him.
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going on a hunch Twi's either the princesses' sister, or daughter
3673180
I vote she's both,
Celestia's daughter,
and huh through a long hidden royal scandal Luna's Sister
DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHH
3673354 Welp my mind is blown...
3671989 I know the feeling. One time my editor didn't do it for a month, and it was my first chapter too. He's not happy I live with him.
3673554
ohohohoh or
Celestia and Twilight are actually Sister's
and Luna is Twilight's Eldest Duaghter and Cadence older sister that she doesn't know she has
3674170 MAYBE TWILIGHT IS GOD AND EVERYONE IS HER SON/DAUGHTER!
3674294
ya you went way to far and just ruined the fun of it all
3674401 GOOD
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/232/114/e39.png
3674482
Now if you had said something along the lines of, after Celestia told Twilight not to return to Sombra when she had said something about him was off and Celestia saw his future and Luna being the only one there to consul her in her sadness had fallen inlove with one another. then you could have added to the fun
Not likely. You mind-raped her. On Earth, that's punishable by death.
To everyone who has read, liked, and/or favorited this story, I would like to apologize for the poor grammar within the chapters.
I haven't had as much time as I would like, but rest assured i will get them edited and ready for re-posting as fast as possible.
Sincerely,
Bringer of Despair
First the technical issues. This story is in desperate need of editing. I get the overal impression that this story is supposed to be in third person limited, but it drifts around in tense randomly. I found myself having to reread a number of sentences and paragraphs to figure out what was being said because a lot of the errors were that bad. I can go on with this review because I think I managed to translate it into English sufficiently to understand it, but I'll offer a disclaimor now that I could have totally failed in that regard. It really is that bad.
We start off with a retelling of a scene from the show. While not the best of storytelling practices, it can be necessary in a work of fanfiction. Thankfully the retelling is very brief, and the alterations this story makes to the timeline quickly become apparent. As I read further I can't tell if this was done on purpose or if it was a happy accident, because events in this story kind of leap around with little rhyme or reason.
In this opening scene we have Twilight trapped by Sombra's spell after touching the Crystal Heart. The dialogue between her and Spike is somewhat choppily done, but I get the impression that after Twilight tells him to take the heart and go that he does so. The story doesn't actually describe this happening, but since we see no further interaction with Spike, and other stuff begins to happen, I assume that much was followed from canon.
Without any sense of waiting or time passing, immediatly after telling Spike to go, suddenly Sombra. I initially thought that this was an alternate play of events where Somrba maybe teleports to the chamber and is there to stop the Crystal Heart from even leaving the room. However since it quickly becomes apparent that this is not the Sombra from the show, and he doesn't even seem to notice or care about Spike, I can only assume as I described above. So with some reader-filled in passage of time, I interpret that Spike Successfully got the Heart to Cadance, and rather than be blown up, he's here visiting Twilight.
I'll stop my recap of the story here and point out that detailing what happened differently to get us to this scene with Sombra and Twi in the chamber of the Crystal Heart would do wonders for making the story make actual sense.
The story continues to drive forward like this without ever actually explaining much. What I did manage to get is that in this alternate universe Twilight was the queen of the Crystal Empire, married to King Sombra, and Cadance is their daughter. Celestia and Luna show up and do some things, which involve erasing/editing/sealing some of Twilight's memories. Cadance is apparently left with hers intact, but sworn to secrecy over the whole ordeal. Sombra is still the evil/corrupted one and banished along with the empire itself for over a thousand years as per canon.
This setup of course brings a lot of questions to mind. In particular, what kind of life has this AU Twilight had that difers from canon? In canon we know Twilight was recently very a very young filly, attended Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, etc. In this story she's over a thousand years old. She also apparently used to have wings according to Sombra, though she clearly lacks them up to this point. Maybe these explanations are supposed to happen in future chapters, so I can't really fault the story for not delving into them yet, but it is still a concern.
Another concern is an issue of apparent cruelty. Cadance is depicted as having full memory of whatever things were like, what happened, and has kept these memories for the entire interim. She's apparently played foalsitter for a filly Twilight, her mom. Whatever bad things happened with her dad, Cadance still is depicted as loving him and having had a hard life without a father.
We also have some interaction between Celestia and Luna about their perspective of the events, in particular about what they did to Twilight's memories. There is clearly a great deal of regret over it. I have to wonder why it wasn't necessary to seal Cadance's memories but it was to seal Twilight's. I have to wonder what actually did happen back a thousand years or so ago.
Now, normally having an incomplete story leaving all these questions would more or less be a good thing. 3 chapters in and already a lot of questions being raised would provide impetus to keep reading to find out what the answer is to all these questions. I use the terms "wonder" rather generously though. I don't use them in the context of "this is a good story and I wonder what happens next!?" but rather "I wonder if the author even thought of these."
Moving on from the ploy/storyline criticism let me say a few things about characterization.
It's flat.
The cast of characters includes Twilight, Spike, Sombra, Cadance, the other five Element Bearers (though only Rainbow and Rarity get speaking parts), Shining Armor, Luna and Celestia (in approximately that order of appearance). Out of all of these characters though, Cadance has the most screen time, with much of it spent with Sombra in three scenes. While Sombra is present on-screen a lot, he generally sits around and listens. Twilight has the next most screen-time actively.
Cadance seems to be cast into a fairly generic crying daughter who misses her family role. While canon Cadance doesn't have much personality, we don't see any of her supposed strength and resolve.
I can't even really see much of anything of Twilight Sparkle from the show on display in this story. Sure at one point she's tearing the library apart looking for something, but even that is marred by the fact that apparently what she is looking for ends up being some kind of secret trigger for some hidden rooms to show up. Despite the scenes she is in giving her plenty of opportunity to interact with her friends and others in the story, she tends to be nearly silent the whole time.
In fact, for how much dialogue is in this story, very little actual talking seems to be accomplished. Huh.
Instead, everyone is too busy auditioning for Rain Bird (a brand name of lawn irrigation device manufacturer) with how much crying is going on.
Rather than actually move the story along or reveal anything I expect the next chapter will involve everyone drinking copious amounts of water in order to rehydrate and prepare for the fifth chapter of more crying. In fact, I hope that is actually what literally happens because then this story would at least be somewhat funny, and develop some entertainment value.
So I suppose I will close with this. Is this story a lost cause? Very likely. I'm not convinced the author has any amazing plotline hidden away to be revealed in the future. The basic setup we have so far of some alternate history with Sombra just isn't all that compelling on it's own. What story we do have to work with is a mess on many levels. Even the basic level of writing ability is clearly lacking.
O.o
3852645 nobody asked for a paragraph of critique.
3885186 Considering you obviously don't know what a "paragraph" is, I don't think you're in a position to say Cryosite shouldn't be doing what she's doing.
3885186
The author asked for one. Maybe not directly, but by posting a story he/she/it invites anyone and everyone to comment as they please.
Not to a mention the overwhelming majority of fics of this caliber are lucky to get even a paragraph of real critique instead of just jeers. That is, people should be thankful when someone puts that much thought into helping someone like this just in passing.
3887242 I'll just throw a taco at you.Tacos fix everything.^.^
3887263 okay. Just because no one likes it when you randomly Criticize something.Lol.But if da author asked for it, I suppose it fine.^.^
3887278 I know I wouldn't be.Wut about you?^.^
3887345
If I publish one, I'd love for someone to comment like that on my stories. In fact, I'd be ecstatic if all my comments looked like that, so it would be obvious what I'm doing wrong, and I could grow as an author.
3887355 yeah, that too.And thank you for not being rude in your comments.Your attitude is appreciated!Tacos for all!
3887365 Are people rude to you here so often that you're surprised when they aren't?
3887355
Whenever you do decide to write something, feel free to send it my way to have me review it. The easiest way to bring it to my attention is to join my group and add it to the recommendations folder.
3887382 Oh, well, thanks for the offer, I'll keep it in mind.
3887382 I already did, lol, but I made it cheesy.And I made it cheesy on purpose.
3887409 CHEESSSEEEEEEE!
3887409 CHEESSSEEEEEEE!
3887380 no, it's funny when they are.But no, I gotz my people bro.
3887380 some begin hating met cause I get to annoying with hyper active comments, while other love it.xD others hate me because when they send me an insult, instead of sending back an insult, I say something funny or joke or I just pretend it's not even an insult.sometimes I'm in a bad mood so I begin to post random mean comments, and when people reply to them, I pretend nothing ever happened.Like what happened now!You are witnessing my Point Of View!Welcome!!
3887387 ahem, he was talking to ME.
3887387 nah I'm just kidding.And that my friend, is how twilightsparkle1001 lives on FimFiction.
3887446 The comment was linked to my earlier one.
3887242 your jealous of my awesomeness and my ability to wield tacos.
3887456 yes, I know silly.^.^
3887466 I don't even know what's going on right now.
3887495 that was the point, silly!Its what happens when I start a conversation in the comment section!Welcome to my world!^.^
3887341 You're not very good at reading comprehension are you?
You post in public, you're inviting criticism. Period. Forever.
3887525 oh young one, you still must understand that your making a fool of yourself by fighting back, but nobody can stop the power of tacos, and no one can stop me.together, the tacos and I are indestructible.I find it entertaining for you to try and bring me down.
Are u going to write more
4633541 i have been trying to write but i have been at work all day long and i have had writers block since i have started the next chapter but i will have it out as soon as i can get it done
4637065 pleas hurry with the next chapter. I find this story quite... intriging.
i am fan and request moar.
may the mother guild you through shadows as though they were ligh.
I love storys where antagonists relize the fatal errors of their path and sometimes reach an almost harmless state either from "starting a new life" or accepting punishment the drama is S Ranked.
Why no more?
5747573 working on it just very slowly
Nice.
And they wonder why he's evil, seriously, Twilight is like Captain Bitch-Face
poke the story "is it alive"
good story I like it, oh boy shiny armor you in for massive surprise, also what is shiny armor role to twilight now, is he her big brother or her son-in-law
I hope it comes soon I'm into this book
7509294 I with you,