• Member Since 12th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen February 9th

BrightKnight 42


I am just a brony who gets most of his ideas from what he reads

E

There has been a secret Within the royal family for many years and only two know it

This story is after the finale episode in the 3rd season
Editor: ultra1437

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 68 )

It's interesting... or at least I think so, my eyes are bleeding. You really need an editor. Since English is not my primary language I may be wrong on some errors. And you need more punctuations.

… “We have to deal with her” the mare said “She will ruin our Family and the Kingdom if she is not stopped she will hurt us or somepony else ever is she is our Daughter”

I think you meant even if.

I know if she is not stop she will do horrible things” the other mare said “but what we will do if she comes back and she hates us for what we did to her”

I think there is something amiss here.

“Well now that I am immortal and I don’t need your spell to keep me alive how bout we revile who she is and revile to other ponies that we are and do we really have keep this secret from all of them even from my friends at lest they can know that that we are together and married” Twilight said

I think you meant about, reveal and least here. And you must use punctuations.
I didn't vote because it's an interesting idea, but there is too much errors to be considered good.
EDIT : I gave you a green thumb just because the idea of Luna being the daughter of Celestia and Twilight is funny

2692755
one i sec all of my errors my wireless keyboard is crap and i do have a editor he i just passed out right now but it will be fixed

The story is an. :trixieshiftleft: unusual premise.
But the grammar and writing is TERRIBLE. go back over it and correct your mistakes.

2692786
just did
Just waiting for the editor

..wait... she's their daughter?

2692793 yea my eyes are bleeding, so which country are you from?:twilightsmile:

2692755

I know if she is not stop she will do horrible things” the other mare said “but what we will do if she comes back and she hates us for what we did to her”

I think there is something amiss here.

It's just easier to requote it fixed.

I know if she is not stopped, she will do horrible things,” the other mare said. “But what will we do if she comes back, and it turns out she hates us, for what we did to her?”

“Well now that I am immortal and I don’t need your spell to keep me alive how bout we revile who she is and revile to other ponies that we are and do we really have keep this secret from all of them even from my friends at lest they can know that that we are together and married” Twilight said

think you meant about, reveal and least here. And you must use punctuations.

Yeah, you're right about punctuation. Revile should be reveal, and lest should be least.

“The memories of sister will disappear but you will remember the last three years and you will get back the memory’s for your life before you banishment and soon as you get your memory’s back your mom will take back the throne from you and you will be back in your place but will have the power to move the moon but she will take her seat by me as a princess and my wife. We will announce your stepping down from the thrown and giving it to your mother later when you are ready but for now let’s finish the spell.” said Celestia “My love will you give our daughter her memory’s back please?” asked Celestia

This is pretty much one giant run-on sentence. I'll give an example of how to fix it.

“The memories of being my sister will disappear, but you will remember the last three years. You will regain the memories of your life before your banishment. As you get your memories back, your mother will also take back the throne from you, and you will be back in your place, but you will retain the power to move the moon. She will take her seat next to me as a princess, and my wife. We will announce your stepping down from the throne, and giving it to your mother later, when you are ready, but for now let’s finish the spell.” explained Celestia, anticipating each question as it comes. “My love will you give our daughter her memories back, please?” Celestia asked as she turned to Twilight.

Brightnight, i LOVE this concept. It's actually a fairly unique take on Momlestia. If you need an editor, i'd be willing to do it.

Celestia having a sister is mentioned. That wouldn't be Cadance, would it?

2693249
I have not got that far in thought But i have had a Idea of it just never came to the mind very much

will track it, and read it after you have at least 3 or 4 chapters, and you correct the gramar, i just cant read it:fluttershbad::fluttershbad:

2693319
I will have the next Chapter up soon and i am fix my grammar on it i just rushed on the prelude so i can go to bed cause by the time it was done it was 3 in the morning

2693221 what is your native language?:trixieshiftleft:

2693428 *Sigh* :facehoof:ok If you need help I can give your story a bit of a shake up. that is if you wish for assistance.

2693441
it is being done by my editor right now

2692755
2693450
2693441
2693319
I just sent him the completed one. Check back soon for the edited, and hopefully considered better, version of this chapter.

I forced my way through it. Faved for the new twist! I want to see more! :twilightsmile:

This is an awesome story. I do hope that you keep up the style and ideas, they are quite amazing.

Dialogue could use some work... but the idea here has me intrigued.

Favouriting and upvoting!

Keep it up, you have my curiosity. I hope you get my attention. :moustache:

I do really want to see how everyone reacts at the announcement it doesn't have to be long but just a overview of reactions.

You've got my curiosity piqued

I wounder how Shining Armor is going to take this

OMG AMAZING keep up the good work!:twilightsmile:

I find it difficult to believe Luna would call anyone 'mommy'. not at this age, anyway, nor with her personality. I'd think her more likely to use mom and mother, maybe even being formal to the point where she would even call them by name, despite her relation to the both of them.

but, you know, your story, your rules, and all that.

I couldn't help but laugh at the exposition scene. I can just see exactly what went through each of their minds when Twi and Luna so bluntly stated the truth.

This is truly amazing! You have the workings of a masterpiece on your hooves! This is the first story of it's kind! I've never seen stories where Luna is Celestia's and Twilight's daughter before! I've seen stories where Luna is Twi's mother and stories where Celestia is Twi's mother. But never nothing like this! :pinkiehappy: I LOVE IT! KEEP IT UP! I CAN'T WAIT FOR AN UPDATE! :twilightblush:

2763231>>2734810
it is coming i am just working on next chapter now just vary slowly i am trying to catch up on some anime and storys well i was out so i dont know when it well be up

2773256 lol i feel the same im just disappointed someone else beat me to it. sooo anyway MOAR! PWEASE!

2774276 It will be up soon but i have it on my cell phone sd card and it wont load to program to get it to transfer so i can do the last of it on my pc but it is being a turd to me right now so give me time

Good chapter, but it seems a bit rushed. There seemed to be a few more typos then normal. Some of the sentences were jumbled....consider an edit so that those things can be fixed. Other then that, great chapter and I look forward to the next.

Comment posted by BrightKnight 42 deleted Jun 26th, 2013

2780710 really is that all you say right as i refresh the page that is what come to mind

Keep up the good work BrightNight. This story gets better with every chapter.

Wow, that was a lot of talking and explanation that went right over my head. As far as i can tell the family has a traditional requirement to name there daughters twilight that they have not been following and will now be following or something like that. :twilightoops:

Comment posted by BrightKnight 42 deleted Jun 30th, 2013
Comment posted by BrightKnight 42 deleted Jun 28th, 2013

(Thorne room)

How did i miss that? Should be Throne Room.

Comment posted by Yobikir deleted Jul 14th, 2013

not even Discord can know

you know i would like to know how discord reacts to this
"okay let me get this straight. Your parents are your descendants, your old fool sitter is your sister in law and your mentor is your wive? and you Tia? your sister is your daughter and your niece is your sister .... i tip my hat to you"

Spacecowboy
Moderator

So, the biggest thing here is that you suffer from a lack of a proper hold on the language. Some of the pacing is also a bit quick, events could be stretched out a little and better explained. Even with someone helping with the story, it still needs a bit more to get it to a point past being simply 'readable.'

The concept itself is very unique, and for that reason alone I kept reading after the first chapter or two.

Login or register to comment