Twilight has just recently become a princess and Rarity's cousins, shortly after, are coming to visit Rarity.
Feather Dust and Rarity have never gotten along. Lightningmoon would love to meet her. But when he does, he develops feeling for her that he hadn't expected to get.
But who will be rejected when a jealousy act goes wrong?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You do realize there's an actual character in the show named Lightning Dust, right?
Not to harp on your story or anything, but you should probably rename your OC to avoid conflict with an actual canon character.
I'm very sorry you don't like this story but you must have a reason to not liking it so could you please let me know and I will try to fix it. Thanks!
2530222 I've changed it to Lightningmoon thank you for pointing that out
Okay, here's a quick synopsis of your description:
Rarities should be Rarity's. It's her cousins, as in possessive. It should not imply there is more than one Rarity.
Scrap that whole last part of the sentence. The wording makes it feel jumbled and confusing. Try this instead.
... And Rarity's cousins have decided to pay her a visit.
That keeps the logical flow of the sentence.
Featherdust is a rather long name for a pony. Why not break it in half into Feather Dust?
Lightningmoon is rather long as well. Plus, he has a Twilight fan club? I would dump that as it makes him sound rather stalker-ish. In addition, that comma in the sentence shouldn't exist. How about:
Lightning Moon has always been a fan of Twilight and has wanted to meet her for quite some time.
The ending sentence is confusing. Does Lightning or Feather meet Twilight? If Lightning does and grows to like her, wouldn't he fantasize about that if he's a fan of her?
Just touching on a few things. Will begin reading now.
It's really good
2545034 Thanks!
2546621 Tahnk you!
MMMOOORRRREEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
