sequel to: The changeling who wanted more
Special thanks for editing, rewriting/correcting English mistakes to LulamoonSparkle
Chapters (1)
EvilNaab
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Your new prereader has made a huge difference. This story is actually readable now, at least in terms of grammar and spelling.
The plot, however, is just as confusing as this story's predecessor. Out-of-character behavior and rampant angst dominate this story. There also doesn't be any coherent reason for any of the decisions the characters made, and the effects and consequences of the previous story's equally-confusing events complicate it even further. They contradict their previous statements and actions at every turn. As a result, the plot has more holes in it than Shadow's legs, wings, and horn.
You've made a good start in the right direction, but you still have a long way to go.
Today I am going through the first chapters of every non-mature story on the front page and offering feedback on each one. Yours is the third.
Presentation
* List of words that should have their first letters capitalized: (1) names, (2) words that begin sentences. Don't do this with other words.
* You appear to have some trouble with prepositions.
*with concern
*in the sky
* "it's" means "it is" or "it has" and should not be used for constructions like "its rays," where you are indicating that something belongs to "it."
* The use of the word "god" seems inappropriate for the Equestrian setting.
* Ensure that you place an empty line between every paragraph. You have missed quite a few.
* Here are some links to grammar sites that you may find useful. Presentation is important if you want readers.
Story
* This is a sequel to a story I have not read, so I do not feel at liberty to judge it.
Good day.
I wrote this in 2 hours and LulamoonSparkle did a great a job with it, i'll rewrite both of my previous stories and write a few more maybe 2-3 if those still not worth it then i'll stick what i'm best at and leave writing.. don't wanna waste anyone's time.
Thanks a lot for the comments/advices
1314981
"I wrote it in two hours" is hardly an excuse for presenting public with nigh-incomprehensible drivel. You`ve butchered characterization, canon staples and plain old decency just to stuff in more of pointless angst. WHY would you do that?
Have a well-deserved thumbs-down.
1336102
I didn't mean it as an excuse, don't know why would you feel like it this why. That 2 hours was the best 2 hours what i had in the last 1-2 month, i had a lots of fun writing this and i'm grateful for LulamoonSparkle's work she made it like 200% (if not more) better then the original was.
1336321
Well, here MUST be some excuse for writing this.
1336335
If you hated the story this much, you don't need an excuse to mark it down ;) and lie the reason about it..
1336344
I believe I stated my reasons for disliking abundantly clear. It`s nigh-incomprehensible drivel that does away with every convention and dignity in favor of pointless angst.
However, I like to think that things like those were not meant to be. If you penned it and meant it... Well, my faith in humanity, shaky as it is, takes another blow.
1336387
i don't know if i'm suppose to laugh or cry about this.. xD but looks like you are some psychologist so you can tell me about it o.O and what angst are you talking about?
1336433
angst /aNG(k)st/ Noun: A feeling of deep anxiety or dread.
I.e. the condition most of story characters seem to be permanently in. It`s annoying.
1336551
sorry about that, but i wanted to create it this way..tho it was not my intention to make it permanent
maybe i could write a little more at the end what happens with them and make it happier, but i really don't know
1336590
That much, I wouldn`t have much of an issue with - after all, it`s a legitimate state of mind. The problem is that there is NO good reason for characters to feel this way. Every single decision, action and utterance by characters is against logic, common sense, sanity and dignity - and all of this just so you could have your angst.
In short, your story fails to get reader to sympathize. At best, it looks like the problems characters experience were entirely their own fault, and they have no place experiencing any kind of grief or anxiety, being the soulless monsters they are represented as. It feels grotesque and ridiculous, evoking no sympathy nor sadness. It`s as if you made a bunch of potato dolls, mashed them with the pestle and then implored us to believe what we`ve witnessed was the tale of sublime drama between fairies of untold beauty.
1336694
First of all i don't have any angst and i don't think so i ever really had (maybe i'm soulless and i should write only dark stories, don't know). i don't really remember when and how i wrote the whole thing it was a long time ago maybe (2 months now).
Tho you are right about the characters i don't wanna argue about it, i had a lots of experience with grief and stuff and did stupid things cause of the anger, so I didn't want to introduce them as "soulless monsters" so i'm sorry if it seems that way. But when something like this happens the first time with (Twilight), i wanted to write that she would do ANYTHING to undo the happenings with her talent.
I hope next time i'll make a better emotional build up for the characters and for the actions what/why they do that, so you and others can like it.
Thanks a lot for the comment
1336788
Angst is just another word for feeling grief/anxiety/sadness. In it`s most academic sense, angst is simply a state of brooding.
As for "soulless monsters", that comes from the fact you have everypony behave like one. Nopony even tries to look from the viewpoint of another. Twilight is the most egregious example of such, but Luna is close second. I`m not even going to touch the clusterfuck that is Celestia in your story. CONTROL, damnit. None of your characters have any control, none of them think ahead, plan ahead, consider options. They behave like range figurines, welded to the rails and destined to fall at predetermined spot. And you forgot to bring in the rifles.
1336886
if you say so, i think about it in different way
Tho i understand what you say
1336904
Oh yes, the forever excuse of "we`ll agree to disagree". WRONG. Had you ever seen people go off the deep end like this? Do you actually comprehend just how shattered a psyche has to become to actually cuddle a corpse? To get excited when it becomes reanimated with something that`s VERY clearly magic? Did it ever occur to you that a mind shattered so badly would not, COULD NOT just spring back, like nothing ever happened?
For crying out loud, THIS, this is what I`m talking about. You have no concept of emotions, of the scale and measure and reaction. One does not break down so easily, so quickly, so thoroughly, and one does not bounce back from it like nothing ever happened a few minutes after. Such flippant attitude towards workings of mind cheapens the whole thing, makes it look like a tired theater where weary actors scream out their faked grief to get it over with and get off this sad pathetic scene as fast as possible.
1336976
Nah i'm sure if we would sit down to the same table and talk about this whole stuff for a while we could agree at some point about feeling emotions differently and the experience why would you feel that emotion and how you call that emotion/feeling and yes i'm a trashy writer you could say that in the first place i would agree with you so easily if you write the last 3 comments into 1 big one, not that i'd disagree with that fact now.
1337124
For crying out loud. You COULD DO BETTER. You could`ve thought a little about what characters would feel. How they would react. You could`ve slept on it, damnit. Instead, you churned this drivel out in two hours and didn`t even think to try and improve it. Instead, you tossed it out for all to see, not even trying to think about improving it first. It outright insults the common sense, reading it makes me literally exclaim "Why would you do that?", "WTF?" and "This is just ridiculous!"
1337236
I don't know, maybe i was playing too much Starcraft bw on iccup or CA and sleeping less n less/day, the whole thing came so easily so i thought maybe it's kinda acceptable. I already need to rewrite everything i wrote so looks like this won't be a exception or simply delete the whole crap donno yet..along with acc
1342611
Key word is cynicism. Look it up, read up on it, and USE it to gauge how characters will react. You can not persuade reader your characters are worth sympathy if you don`t make them react in reasonable ways. Grand gesturing and screaming fits are for kids who want attention - think petty, vindictive, cruel, greedy, calculating. Characters that are driven by their needs and desires, ones that can and will suppress the feelings when it`s convenient to pretend, ones that will have to struggle to overcome their natural selfish impulses to strive for something greater... This makes for living characters.
1342623
Ok, Thanks a lot