Reader by day, paramedic by night. Trying a hand at writing from time to time.
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Scatter's had enough of the enigmatic resolve; he's done hiding who he is. After being repeatedly asked on dates by various mares, the façade crumbles when he brutally tells off the most attractive and popular mare at high school. From then on, his life starts to sprout its ups and downs, and things become a little interesting.
A gay love story. (Not a clopfic).
This is my first novelette on FiMFiction; If you have any sincere feedback, please share it. Thanks!
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A really good start.. I'm looking forward to read more about this
keep the good work
2945835
Next chapter's already written, and I think you'll be quite pleased with how it turned out. I'm just looking to see if I can't get it proofread before posting it, so please continue to be patient. Thank you
Edit: It's up. Enjoy!
You may very well have created one of the more unlikable characters I have read about in a long time in the form of Chelsea, but Scatter's explaining his rejection of her was awesome.
Taser calling out to Scatter in the middle of the class to ask him about his lack of interest in mares felt a little odd to me. That would be something I'd expect a colt Scatter respected to confront him with in between classes in a more private setting. Though the class and probably the school now knowing has a lot of potential for character growth in the future.
I like how you start the lunch in the middle of conversation, creating a setting in which they've already introduced themselves and made their order, skipping a bunch of unnecessary details the reader already knows and keeping the pace of the story going.
Great ending or semi cliffhanger to this chapter too by the way. Last chapter scatter admitted to being a coltcuddler, and earlier this chapter he seemed unsure about his choice of moment to admit it, but not necessarily worried about any repercussions. Soarin being a coltcuddler too can form a good basis for their friendship or possible relationship, but the reasoning behind Soarin admitting it is a bit darker and could foreshadow what scatter might expect from coming schooldays or worry about potentially happening.
I've enjoyed this story so far and see a lot of potential. I'm looking forward to reading more about Scatter and Soarin and to see where you'll be taking this story.
2951147
Wow, thanks a lot! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Touching up on the only thing debatable though, I thought long and hard about how I was going to have it publicly announced that Scatter was a coltcuddler, but nothing decent came to mind. I don't regret using the method I did because I couldn't find anything better, but I think you're right, it could've certainly been better.
I'll try my best to put more thought into the continuity and logic of the plot from now on.
Thanks again!
Big thanks to Kyoto and Viddy for proof-reading for me.
*Title of this story's based off of "The Bait," a song by Electric Guest. Check it out <3
That's humorous to me, because my mothers name is Kyoko, so close to your proofreaders name.
2955096
Aha xD His real name is Dustin, but he doesn't go by anything else besides Kyoto.
Just thought I'd mention that though, gotta show support for my proofreaders.
(They're not from the professional proofreading group, they're just friends on Steam!)
2955098 Do you now? I do the same, only my friends proofread my stories, because I love them very dearly, and sometimes the attitude of a professional reaches beyond my nerves...
For example:
(Commenting for proofread)
Professional:" What's with the description?!"
Me:" What's wrong with it?"
Professional:"It's too graphic. Take it down and redo it."
Me:" Um... It has flags too, ya know."
Proofreaders:" Yeah? Well, it makes no sense. Take it down."
Me:"Grrrr..."
I would continue, but i'm not aware how much you intend me to show you my example. You could possibly not be a fan of the bad language...
2955146
Eh, profanity doesn't bother me. I get the picture though, lol. Personally, I'd just much rather share my content with close friends first.
2955154 Well, I do need my friends, carnivale is one of the best proofreaders anyone could have to start with, but i'm really lucky to have her.
Hoo Boy, that escalated quickly. I can see that neither of them beats about the bush. I like it! Continue
2957159
I have a tendency to be very honest and confrontational in my writing.
Next chapter's where it all starts going downhill via homophobic discrimination from close people, and it doesn't have any sexy times in it, so I don't feel morally compelled to write it quickly.
Edit: Shiz, you made me think about it too heavily, and now I'm excited and gonna go write it. Damn you xD pce
2957169
Aww, no sexy times?
Well, you're the Pilot of this flight. I'm just the passenger. I look forward to what you write
2957258
...Maybe I could squeeze something in at the beginning as they awake together. For both our sakes.
C:
Edit: There ya go.
Romance with Soarin and no Rainbow Dash tag in sight? I consider this safe for my palette.
Will read later.
2960334
Cliche shippings, booooo
2960482
That just earned you some points. Now I'll definitely read this. I'll give my opinion when I do.
Oh snap. I've been in that position. Still, I should count myself lucky that all my friends did was dump a metric-ton of Lesbian Porn on me to try and "straighten" me, and they also came around eventually.
I'm guessing Scatter's not going to be as lucky
Holy balls, that litteraly just summed up what I'm going through right now, unfortunately I havn't found my soarin' yet =(. Oh well who cares about me.
Your story was amazingly descriptive and I love it. Do keep in mind your audience may not know the meaning of some words you used so I guess try "dumbing" it down abit for lack of better words. Try being a little more descriptive of the characters you used, would help as well. Other than that your story was excellent, definatley gave me the feels. A+ good sir
2972639
Thank you, glad you enjoyed.
Family issues are coming up for Scatter very soon, so I'll go quite in depth with character design for him in the recent future and be sure to be very descriptive.
Regarding the verbiage though; sorry, I tend to overestimate the capabilities of my audience. Although, if there's words in there that you or some other reader stumbles on knowing, I feel I should continue to use them so that my readers learn them. I'd rather be brutally educational than dumbing anything down.
Once again, thank you.
I'm loving the direction your story is heading in. I'm used to stories focussing on the growing relationship of the characters as they explore their feelings for one another. In this case it seems as though the basis of the relationship has been established in part and instead the story seems to focus on how the reactions of their families and environment react to their being coltcuddlers and how they will manage to stay together throughout it all.
You manage to maintain a nice pace and make use of a rather extensive vocabulary which adds a good amount of variation to the story. That combined with a descriptive first person perapective makes Scatter appear rather mature, for lack of a better term, and quitr relate-able.
I'll be eagerly awaiting the comming chapters.
2974701
Your next chapter's up.
I really appreciate the kind words. Thanks a lot for reading, and I'm glad to entertain you.
I'm guessing the next line will be something like "And you didn't tell me BEFORE I started cooking‽ If I'd known he was your coltfriend I would have cooked something better than Celestia-damned lobster! I've never been so embarrassed in all my life!"
I have a feeling the anger is going to be about the attack.
2989271, and yes, that is every father's worst nightmare. To realize that he's cooking for their son's boyfriend, knowing that their gay powers will send destructive waves of judgment across the table.
2989848 Despite that being possible it's unlikely and I doubt it.
Nice start, just one thing:
In canon, the guards use swords and spears; I highly doubt that they, or any other race, would have access to nuclear weapons. Although, I suppose that's just my headcanon influencing my opinions on such matters.
2989917
Fallout: Equestria, no?
But eh, I was just trying to be dramatic. I think my writing skills get better from start to finish, which is natural and expected, since I've received criticism and tweaked how I write since then.
But yeah, you do make a good point there. Probably no weaponized nuclear technology floating around Equestria; kind of a realism/continuity fail there on my part.
Should just be "unconsciously", also, I'm enjoying the conflict so far.
2990009
un·self·con·scious
/ˌənˌselfˈkänSHəs/
Adjective
Not suffering from or exhibiting self-consciousness; not shy or embarrassed.
un·con·scious
/ˌənˈkänSHəs/
Adjective
Not conscious.
I used it correctly. If I had said 'unconscious', then he'd be literally knocked out cold / out of metal synapsys, into a sleep / comatose state; unselfconscious means to do something without cognitive recognition in the context that I use it in, as in reflexive or entirely impulsive and without thought.
2990021
Unconsciously can also be used to denote a reflexive/involuntary action; like yawning, for example. Still enjoying the story, by the way. Also:
I was under the impression that ponies were herbivores, though I suppose that is up for debate depending upon your headcanon. As I have previously seen ponies being depicted as selective omnivores.
Hands. HANDS. Good lord, why does he have hands!? What unholy abomination hath thou brought into existence?
2990089
SHITSHITSHITSHIT
fixed
And about the lobster; hell if I know. I just googled "fancy foods" and and made some bullshit name. I'm pretty sure lobster stroganoff is fictional, as I just combined two different fancy foods listed. Completely overlooked the vegetarian part.
whoops
not fixing though; lazy, and midway through 7 as I type this.
Edit: Lobster isn't technically meat, is it? I thought it was a fish, and that okay for vegetarians.
Perhaps stroganoff is a type of meat. Not sure. I really don't know what it means; I was successfully too fancy.
2990097
The lobster thing is fairly innocuous, most people probably won't even notice it.
2990122
You did kind of just point it out for anyone reading the comments though. XD
2990128
Oh no, you've uncovered my dastardly plan!
It's soooo good!
3003298
Wow thanks!
As if his dad being unable to accept his sexuality wasn't bad enough, now Scatter has a third of the school against him. As excited as soarin was, and how cute the brief unexpected flight was, it doesn't quite balance out the potential disasters that may lie in wait. Not to mention the potential downside of Soarin's wonderbolt training possibly meaning that they'd see each other less and less. I'm finding myself fearing the potential directions this story might take as I'm still greatly enjoying it so far and tend to hang onto even the slightest bit of hope that the characters I've grown to love will end up overcoming their challenges and end up happy, no matter how hard things might get.
So I would reckon Scatter's dad might not like his son being gay much, but with Scatter's mom accepting it, there is a chance he's going to at least tolerate it. How to survive the exam week, not to mention the first day, we'll have to wait and see. I somehow don't think Scatter considers not going to be an option.
I still greatly enjoy the writing style you've adapted. The use of first person and the way you alternate between thoughts and descriptions of actions creates a setting in which it's very easy to empathize with and relate to the characters. It keeps the reader involved closely with the ongoing story. I'll be looking forward to seeing where you're going to be taking this story.
Been waiting fir this chapter!!
As bad as I feel for scatter right now, I'm glad the action is starting to hear up a bit more. I'm excited to see how everything turns out with the whole school-on-your-flank thing along wit the father accepting him for who he is.
Keep up the great writing and ill be waiting the next chapter('s)!!
3035655 3035751
Really appreciate all of the feedback.
Definitely inspiration to continue writing.
I've got lots of plans for this story, both positively and negatively, to continue it with. You've stuck around this long so the least I can do is my best to make it as interesting as possible. I'll make sure the next chapter's out before the end of the week.
Not a bad story at all. I see of course that this is your first fiction. Although the plot may be a bit rushed—along with some spelling errors and typos—this story shows that you have the skills in you. Just be sure to slow down the narrative a bit, and don't be afraid to lengthen scenes with descriptions rather than flat out saying them; show, don't tell. I would recommend putting this into a group such as 'Looking For Editors' for further guidance.
However, I am intrigued by the story and I am enjoying it, thus far. Liked and fav'd. I'm curious to see what will happen next with the way things are going now. After reading the last chapter, this was my reaction: 'Another reason to hate finals week.'
Just one more thing, is Scatter a unicorn or an earth pony? I don't know if I missed it, but it would be a good thing to include in the earlier chapters, just to avoid confusion.
3042358
I appreciate the support. Yes, it's my first, so I hope the ones to come will be a lot better than this. I already recognized that the continuity's speed is where I struggle, sometimes rushing the execution or getting the facts down without adding a bit of art to them. That's mainly the kind of stuff I need to etch into muscle memory through prolonged writing like that, so an editor wouldn't help much there, but one certainly would with the occasional error. I'll think about getting it to an editor.
Scatter's an earthpony, by the way. I sort of figured this was indicated when he didn't use telekinesis or fly around/live in Cloudsdale, but I suppose I should've been more straightforward with it. I also haven't established the colour of his coat, mane, or eyes because I haven't decided yet.
I've basically given my OC no thought at all besides species. Yet another thing to do.
3042585
Well, it's a good thing that you're recognizing these flaws. I also have to say that you sound pretty mature for a writer your age. The fact that you're open to constructive criticism, and always looking for ways to improve, is a great trait to have in becoming the best possible writer.
Well, looks like shit's about to go down.
Should probably be "a million bit smile".
3055379
Okay, this is the only reason I dislike ponies.
Bloody verbiage.
fixed
AH!!!! I CANT WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!!
Damn, Chelsea has some major issues!
She gets rejected by one guy, one time, and suddenly she becomes a manipulative, kidnapping, domineering force of ultra-bitchiness! Seriously, bitch needs a therapist!
Or at least a kick to the teeth.
3074898
I tried to develop her character in a way that would make it seem like she already was that type of person even before she screwed with Scatter, and after she did, she snapped and held a huge grudge.
3074776
Glad you're enjoying it
Next one will be out really soon because I know exactly how it's gonna go and I'm itching to write it!
Damn, Buckskin's a dick.
I'll give you props for writing a gay fic, which keeps your OC away from the mares, but then it's an OC with a canon character, so those props that were given are immediately revoked. You are left with neither hate nor love from me, which is something that doesn't happen often.
So this is basically a standard angsty romance about a mostly unpopular self-insert colt, except he wants penis instead of vagina. He goes through extremely biased dramatizations of minor events from your own life finds the hoers you want to fuck irl, and gets the guy. my god the originality it is killing me dead halp im dying
3082981 At least the colt is not a black Alicorn with red eyes