• Member Since 7th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen May 8th

Starweardo


T

Young Night Light meets a new stallion at his school in the last months of his final year, named Shiny Rock.They develop a great friendship, but soon discover something more...

An OC Story by Starweardo

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 65 )

I like this start. I'll keep my eyes on it :twilightsmile:

But could you please space out the paragraphs a bit more? I find them hard to read the way they are now.

2620526
Gotcha, thanks for the advice. :twilightblush:

I'll agree that this is an okay start, but you've got a lot to work on. A lot of repeating words (like colt) and misused ones ("the teacher had ceased talking" - Watch your past/present tenses). Uselessly capitilaing words happens a few times as well. Really brief chapter too.

I think something that would help your story is to be a bit more descriptive and less linear too. Just basic editing stuff. One exercise you can do to help this, is braketing off repeat words (within two paragraphs of each other) or something this is just clutter. Have a thesaurus site up or something is a good idea.

FOR example!
"Night Light gestures Shiny Rock to follow him. Shiny Rock follows step as his 'tour guide' shows him around school, ranging from classrooms, science room blocks, the cafeteria and the many bathrooms before taking him to the secretary's office. “Get a map here, just for second occasions. Really can be a life-saver sometimes.” Shiny Rock nods, walks over to the secretary and knocks on the table."
----
You can trim out the repeats and take some creative liberty.
"Night Light gestures to his appointed follower. Shiny Rock stepped up hastily. The guide was necessary, but the newly re-nested boy was nervous about this stallion in-front of him. This fear was unfounded in anything about him, but it was hard to really focus. Classrooms, a science block (maybe), and why did this place have so many bathrooms? It was all a blur. Really should stop starring at that blue thing and pay attention. With the ring of a bell, the earth pony snaps to.

"...Really can be a life-saver sometimes,” Night says with a wide smirk on his face. The trip here normally took a good five minutes, if walking as slowly as possible. That white stallion was all the lazy student needed for an excuse to stall. Thankfully all the rest in class had trained the sneaky male to be as inconspicuous as possible. If only Shiny Rock knew how appealing he looked. Bitter sweet in the ending, the tour guide pasts the printed map. Maybe he wouldn't notice the distance from his classroom to their location?

You could even toy around with the idea when the return- they get stuck as partners because it took way to long and everyone else paired up. But I'm sure you have a plan for how everything is going down.
---

Also, this is a story about how two friends fall in love! Talk about how awe struck one is at the sight of the other. Describe some of that. All the two really do is kind of meet for the first time and go on a round about tour of the school. Now that can work for you. Like if Night Light finds himself unable to part himself from his newest acquaintance. I mean over half the story so far takes place there. How these ponies are feeling/acting can really make us identify with them and can even show how special the relationship is to the audience. (Check out the line up scene from The Usual Suspects. A really good example of just action and minor thought that sets up that entire film.)

Keep at it!

2622155
Mr. Silver Tip... words cannot describe how much I thank you for this...:twilightsheepish:
My first language is German, where capitalization goes wild and sentence building is ass, sorry about that. I will use your advice on future chapters.
Thank you so much, my friend.

2623401
No problem!
I know it's hard doing a self translation at times.
if you need any help, there's a few groups here that can help you with editing.
Good luck on the future chapters.

I'm reading the description. This Night Light character? Is that Twilight's Dad Night Light or another pony with the same name? Either way I'm going to read, I enjoy some hot sweaty steamy action.

2625781
It's another pony with the same name. When I made this character, I didn't know about Twilight's dad.
Also, enjoy! Chapter 2 will be finished soon.

This chapter was better written than your last. There were a few minor grammar mistakes though, for example:

"Apparently, Night doesn't have many friends." he murmured under his breath

The problem with this is that the full stop (or period if you call it that) should be a comma because it has a word that describes how he was speaking afterwards. So it should be:

"Apparently, Night doesn't have many friends," he murmured under his breath

I look forward to seeing where this goes. :twilightsmile:

2657380
Changed it, thank you, Mr. Feather Book.
:twilightblush:

wow i wish i had somthing like this but nobody would like me like that enywas:fluttercry:

2661090
Little guy...
I get bullied every single day in school.
It's been that way for 10 years.
I thought I'd die alone.
I didn't even have friends.
One day on the internet, I met a guy.
He was rather pleasant, we started gaming together and telling jokes.
Eventually, we had a roleplay. The one you're reading right now, really.
After some time, I confessed my love to him. He said it's mutual.
That was about 7 months ago.
We're still together today.
I found my very special someone, you will too, even if it seems the rest of the world hates you.
I know EXACTLY how you feel, just hang in there.
Cheers,
:twilightsheepish:

2662546
wow your so cool and lucky the only guy i ever liked was my only friend and he shut me down and told evrybody i was gay
i switched schools:ajsleepy:

and im 17 not a little guy

2664370
Everybody in my school already knows I'm gay.
Fuck, I can't switch schools or else my life will be screwed over.
"Little guy" is supposed to be like a fatherly speech pattern. I myself am 16.
Don't be sad. Today's a sunday.
Be alive~!
Believe me. If a loser like me can be in a relationship, so can a guy like you.
:twilightsheepish:

2666046
wow your so kind, i fucking love all you bronys you alll change my life evry day
but i want to find sombody so if enybody reads this then pm me so you can get to know me and mabey i can find sombody for me to
and im not guy im bi so if a girl is kind enuf to say hi then pleas

thank you dude im going to meet sombody for me if its the last thing i do

2666360 I want some for me too, but I'm only looking for girls. I wish you luck in your search.

2675207
good luck i still have not found a girl that dous not want sex
thay are all fet to so i dont want to do that wit
them
im sure you can do it:pinkiehappy:

2677859 I may being writing clops, but that don't mean I want to find a girl who wants sex. But maybe every now and again. :trollestia:

2678270but sex is so much fun infact im going to call samantha

2678816 I'm just not one for a lot of sex. That's just me.

2678847
Me neither, really.
I mean, every once in a while, it's fun, but I'd just like to snuggle my boyfriend much more.

2679511 Snuggles and cuddles are good eniugh for me.

2679652
I just like the cutesy stuff. :rainbowderp:Which reminds me, I need to continue writing.

2679709 Me, I'm looking for the love in a relationship.

2679709
2679709
wel youj two suck i dont even know love out side of a rave and we are to high to tell what we are feeling:fluttercry:

2680222
I'm uh... sorry? 30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyfaqmIy3p1r3k1m8o1_500.png
I'm trying to understand what you mean so I know what to be sorry about. Can we still be friends?

2680287hu ow yes just ignor me im being overly dramatic
just playing around is all:applejackunsure:

Aww, too short, still loving it! :heart:

:pinkiehappy: :heart: LOVE :heart: THIS STORY SO MUCH !!! :pinkiehappy:
:twilightsmile: please continue :twilightsmile:

:yay: that was really sweet :yay:
:pinkiesmile: I can NOT wait for more :pinkiehappy:

This chapter was adorable. I like shiny and night light together and I happen to have a weak spot for these settings in which both characters have feelings for each other they either don't understand yet or are afraid to admit. I'll be looking forward to finding out more about the two of them and hopefully watching their relationship develop.

How long have they known each other? Regardless, this was another fantastic chapter. :heart:

2702581
I'll admit. It was really rushed, so I tried to make it seem like they've at least developed it.
Fact is, the role-play this was based on took AGES until they decide to confess to each other, I just didn't feel like constantly cock-teasing the reader with countless opportunities, so I rushed it. Don't worry, I won't make any more of these quick-cuts.
:twilightsheepish:

i love it will it get nsfw?
dont remenber if i asked or not

2714032
Without spoiling much, yes, it will.

2702605
I gotta admit, it was a bit quick, but it's true that it's REALLY annoying when an author write 50 chapters with a LOT of opportunities for the characters to confess their love.
I'm really looking forward to see where this is going :pinkiehappy:
Keep up the good work !

Sweet chapter, but I found something a bit disturbing.
Shiny found Nighty "puking horrendously" and hurt, yet, two minutes later, he is telling him how beautiful he is... Isn't a bit awkward ? :moustache:

2717990 "Your eyes are beautiful." is what he said. He still told him to bumrush to the nurse's, but he couldn't help telling him his eyes are beautiful to him. Misunderstanding, I'm sorry.
:twilightblush:

2715684 thank you!
I will be roleplaying that out!!!:trollestia:

Not normally one for gay pairings. But this...
I like this

2724556
Thank you. Thank you so much. :pinkiesad2:

I am more than OK for NSFW.
ONWARD TO THE SAPPY-NESS! :pinkiehappy:

Dude if the next part ISNT nsfw, i wouldnt read it!:twilightsmile:

Yes,Yes I love this fic just from the first chapter!
:heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:

I love the story, but I have one question. What does a Bronsdanian accent sound like?

Me Gusta:moustache:

I love it

3264227 A Bronsdaelan accent sounds a lot like Cockney and Scottish had a baby. :scootangel:
Stick around, more chapters coming RIGHT UP!

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