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An argument over another Daring Do book leaves Rainbow Dash frustrated. How can she ever get to Twilight to see what she means to her? What will it take to get the bookish unicorn to see things in a different light?
**Submitted for the TwiDash Abandoned Fic Challenge**
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Very well done! Bravo! I'm very happy with the quality of the fics that this contest has maintained. Official judging is still a ways off, but I wish you luck!
2872714
Thank you very much! I appreciate it! :)
I er... I liked the first two chapters, they were nice and casual. This suddenness thrown in here I don't like at all. Why did Celestia and Luna not go straight to Canterlot themselves to take care of business for once? Why is it automatically assumed that Twilight must go, like she is some kind of special OP instead of the egghead she is. Then why would not all of the bearers of the elements go, especially since such an apparent dire threat would need the EOH to be used. Everything is just being neatly squared away with no real rhyme or reason with no other goal then to get RD and TS alone together it seems. Also why would a single changeling be able to so easily best Twilight on the train, that was totally not good. I thought in the middle of that scene that perhaps it was Chrysalis herself and would then be believable... but no it was just a random changeling apparently skilled enough to deflect and escape from one of the the most powerful unicorn's of this age, with ease even.
It is major disconnects like this that make me lose interest in a story's plot. Now I just wanna see how you resolve the Twidash.
That last line...I'll never forget it.
You really upped the competency and power of the changelings up to 11 in this story, while majorly nerfing everything about the pony protagonist's. This just gives me false drama and feels because I am constantly questioning why they are acting with an idiot ball and why are they so weak and helpless.
These past two chapters, if I were to describe them in one word, that word would be cliche. So unerringly predictable and boring. And again I couldn't get anywhere into the emotion of the story because I am constantly wondering why all of Twilight's closest friends did not come, or even at least try. Also, when they first encounter the slowly approaching earth ponies, that was painfully obvious they were not quite right. Rainbow might not have caught that immediately but I am sure Twilight would have.
Then you resolve the Twidash in one of the worst ways short of writing a tragedy IMO. Twilight finally connects to the understanding of RD's feelings for her, that is fine. What is not fine is for her to then jump to proclaiming her own love so suddenly when previously there was not an ounce of those thoughts in her head. I could see her being open to the idea of RD as a romantic partner, and trying things out in that capacity... but to immediately jump to 'I love you too'... it is just sickening. Even worse you give TS a super fast RD life download which was really superfluous by this point.
You don't write that bad technically, I just see much to find wanting in the actual structure. Unexplained plot points, bad power balancing, railroading the two 'hero' ponies to where you want them and ignoring all else to the expense of that.
>>Lunarian
First, thank you for the read, and for your comments too! I'll try my best to respond:
You really upped the competency and power of the changelings up to 11 in this story, while majorly nerfing everything about the pony protagonist's. This just gives me false drama and feels because I am constantly questioning why they are acting with an idiot ball and why are they so weak and helpless.
My intention wasn't to nerf the mane 6 ( at least not that badly), but I can see a reader looking at it that way. In my outline, I had some sub points to tie the amplifier to the increased power of the changelings, but I clearly lost them along the way. I thought the point about spells like Shining's being ineffective might cover the nerfing a bit, but looking at it again, it could use more, as you said.
I am constantly wondering why all of Twilight's closest friends did not come, or even at least try. Also, when they first encounter the slowly approaching earth ponies, that was painfully obvious they were not quite right. Rainbow might not have caught that immediately but I am sure Twilight would have.
Fair point. As I neared the end, I began to realize that I left a big hole there, but I was out of time to fix it. Once the judging is over, I'll be updating this a bit, and plan on fixing that for sure. As for the Earth Ponies, even Twilight can make a noob mistake once and a while, right?
Even worse you give TS a super fast RD life download which was really superfluous by this point.
Arg, that's ironic. In my outline, that sequence didn't have as much detail in it, but I added it in as I wrote, feeling that it would all seem to simple, or cut/dry, without it. Should have gone with my gut there, lol. Fair point on the romance too. TS did make a huge jump in no time at all. I tried to cover that by positioning TS as knowing that she can and wants to love, but never realizing that her 'type' was in front of her. Made sense in my head, but, I definitely could have explored that more first.
All in all, that's what happens when you spend 2/3rds of the challenge just percolating your idea, trying to convince yourself that you can even do it at all. Then, a mad rush to literally the last minute, lol.
Thanks again for the feedback though. I seriously appreciate it!
-GMP
Ok....
I LOVE THIS COMPETITION!!!
It makes everyone write amazing TwiDash fics!
This one is also AMAAAAZIIIING!!!
Good chapeter i must say...
Except this part
Rainbow and Dash?
You know how to make someone laugh
2874225 I only agree on one point. Why leave the rest of the elements. Otherwise i think diffrent
Pardon my interuption
I think Lunarian's main complaint was that everything in this story (in Lunarian's opinion) felt contrived to bring the reader to that ending scene where Twilight and Rainbow get together. And to be fair, I also thought it was a bit contrived, but that's only because every story in this contest was written with the requirement to reach a similar scene before they ended.
Really, the only major issue in this story was that at times the reader could see that you were sticking to an outline designed to get to that scene, and that's just because you were rushed and didn't have time to flesh it out with all of the usual bells and whistles to distract the reader. You have a real gift for writing sad scenes, and you have a good grasp on action scenes, and the problem (in my opinion) was that there weren't enough slice-of-life scenes in between to make it all feel more realistic.
Also, just a little nitpick -- when you attribute dialogue, the comma should go inside the punctuation marks, like this:
as opposed to what you tend to do, which looks like this:
That said, this is an excellent story. Good luck in the contest, and keep on writing!
2878105
When you reply to a comment, you should use the quote button you'll find at the top of each post, otherwise the comment is not linked properly and the person who wrote the comment isn't notified. (Well, technically, you could look up the comment number and type it it, but that would be error-prone and much more difficult.)
Overall, I couldn't really get into this story. I'm not sure whether this stemmed from a flaw in the writing or just a general lack of interest in the plot line. I'm tending to think the latter as I really have very little interest in Changelings.
Sorry for the general impressions rather than providing actual constructive criticism, but the main reason that I left this comment was to tell you about replies.
2888349
Thanks for the comment, as well as the read! Allow me to respond to your points individually. :)
1. I've been using the quote button to respond to folks. But, I was replacing the numbers that appeared with the person's alias, thinking the numbers were a bit impersonal. I take it that doing so breaks the quote feature? (if so, my apologies for the idiocy on my part)
2. No worries about not being able to get into the story. If the Changelings aren't your thing, then I suppose I was doomed from Chapter 2, lol. And hey, I know there's flaws in the writing, so that's a given at the moment.
Still, thanks for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it!
-GMP
2876859
Wow, that was dumb on my part.
See kids: this is the kind of stuff that happens when you leave no time for spell checking and any real proof reading.
/thanks for catching it though
//adds it to the fix list
2877473
Thank you for the read, and for the extremely helpful comments. I really appreciate the feedback! I'll try and respond as best I can:
And to be fair, I also thought it was a bit contrived, but that's only because every story in this contest was written with the requirement to reach a similar scene before they ended.
Yep, the ship requirement definitely dominated the entire process here. IMO, the difference is in how each competitor got their readers to that point. Having read most of the other entries, many of the other competitors got their readers there in much smoother fashion than I. :)
Really, the only major issue in this story was that at times the reader could see that you were sticking to an outline designed to get to that scene, and that's just because you were rushed and didn't have time to flesh it out with all of the usual bells and whistles to distract the reader.
I was definitely rushed near the end, but looking back on it, I absolutely missed some good opportunities for some slice of life scenes. I got so tied up in getting the reader to the end goal, I didn't give them chances to admire the scenery along the way.
Dang good call there, as I really did write an outline first, then filled it in as I went.
You have a real gift for writing sad scenes, and you have a good grasp on action scenes, and the problem (in my opinion) was that there weren't enough slice-of-life scenes in between to make it all feel more realistic.
I am extremely flattered by the compliment! Thank you very much! Again, I 100% agree with the slice of life item. I definitely missed the boat on that facet of the story, but I hope to rectify that a bit when I edit/enhance the story after judging is completed.
Thanks again for the read, and the feedback!
-GMP
Sorry for the new/deleted comment spree there, folks. Ankyo was very kind to point out that I've apparently been botching my use of the quote button, leading to broken comment string links.
So, new copies of my earlier replies have been posted, now with working quote links. :)
2888405
Yup, that number is the ID of the comment, and is the only way the site can figure out which comment you're actually replying to (as one person can write multiple comments on a story). As you can see, it will replace the number with the name (as long as the comment is on the same page of comments...otherwise you have to click on the number to see who it is a reply to).
2888437
Well, I get the pony version of the dunce cap then.
Thanks for pointing that out! :)
2888482
Well, as long as we're all pointing things out, to get those neat quote boxes in your comments (instead of having to italicize quotes), either select the Quote button (the one with the icon of overlapping speech bubbles) from the list of options at the top of your new comment, or just use the [ quote ] [ /quote ] tags (without spaces).
2889642
Ah, that's very good to know! Thanks! :)
Great fic, I like that ending, good luck in the contest.
2895234
Thank you very much! :)
The first Chapter is very well written :3 I can't stop reading
I definitely read the other Chapters
I think RD recognizes in Daring Do and Rosetta, herself and Twilight. Am I right
2899706
Thanks for the read! I must admit though, the first chapter is not my work. As noted in the Author Note for Chapter 1, the first chapter is another writer's work, and serves as the prompt for the current 'Abandoned Fic' challenge that is being held in the TwiDash group. The prompt has only been altered in one way, to add a single line of dialogue. Otherwise, it is as-is.
As for what happens, you'll just have to keep reading!
Thanks again!
GMP
If you hadn't mentioned that this was your first fic, and your first foray into writing fiction, I never would've guessed! Definitely an enjoyable read.
I think this has already been mentioned by another reader previously; the action scenes were well-crafted and engaging, but you could definitely use a bit more work on the leadup/filler/SoL scenes. It does feel somewhat more and more rushed as you progress through the story.
First story?
Well done! Honestly, this story is of very solid quality. Great characterizations, great action, and, of course, great Twidash. I hope we can see more like it from you in the future. But regardless of whether you do write more or not, this story was awesome!
2920372
Thank you very much for the read, and the feedback! You're right, the 'missing filler/SoL' comment was made earlier, but thanks for emphasizing it though. I definitely missed some good chances to put more meat on the story, per se.
To be honest, your sense that it was rushed at the end is spot on. The 'rushed' feeling only accelerated as I ran out of time before the submission deadline, lol.
Thanks again for the feedback!
-GMP
2920578
Thanks for the read, and I appreciate the compliment! I do hope to wring at least a few more stories, one-shots, etc. out of my brain, so hopefully, I can improve a bit over time too. :)
Thanks!
-GMP
never finished reading this, and probably wont, so I might be missing something, but the changelings feel off. In canon they were shown to be weaker and less capable than ponies individually, but dangerous because of tending to show up in seemingly endless swarms, as well as being able to screw with your ability to tell friend from foe or who's who.
...here they seem to be stronger and smarter than their pony counterparts, and the only justification is some loosely defined amplifier. on top of which it's just the queen and a few strays. no sign of the swarm, or explanation for it's absence. It doesn't feel right.
2944238
Thanks for giving the story a try, though I am sorry that it fell short for you.
I do appreciate the comment though, and I agree. A similar sentiment was expressed by a few other readers, regarding my use of the Changelings here. I'll admit, since this was my first ever fic, I literally wrote an outline, and filled it in. Given the deadline in place for the contest, and the very mechanical nature of my outline, I assumed I'd miss a few things like this. I'm just grateful that folks such as yourself have called me on it.
Once the Abandoned Fic challenge is judged and closed out, I do plan on going back to this story and making numerous additions and revisions to clear up issues such as this one. Whenever I finish that, I do hope you'll give it another try, and find it more to your liking. :)
Thanks again for the feedback!
GMP
Great fic! Very well written and exciting!
My official critique as a contest judge, as requested
That was a fun little adventure romp if I ever did read one!
There were a lot of very good things going on here, not the least of which was the action and excitement level. As soon as they both hit Canterlot, it was a mad dash to the end and didn’t let up on the throttle once. Which is good; sometimes readers need a breather, but here it was purposefully a rush and it felt appropriate. It can occasionally be difficult to keep that urgency afloat without sacrificing reading pacing—rushing through scenes to keep the momentum going and leaving out important detail—but you did a suitably fine job keeping things interesting while keeping the ball rolling forward.
I especially like Twilight’s characterization throughout, specifically her brain’s unwillingness to stop analyzing what was going on with Rainbow Dash. Adventure/Romance stories sometimes run the risk of the romance becoming second fiddle and you’re left just being told to accept that those feelings are there, but here we can arrive at the conclusion alongside Twilight and accept it willingly, from not thinking about Dash that way consciously to that well of feeling hidden below the surface, all woven into a fast-paced narrative. It works, it really does.
The pacing as a whole was acceptable. I think in some ways the story as a whole is a little simplistic for the type of plot, compared to what it could be. We get a set-up with the changelings that’s a little facelessly ‘evil’ where they’re wiping ponies to take over and Twilight needs to run to the rescue, which takes up the first half. We then have the second half that basically boils down to Twilight chasing down Dash through an empty town and castle, matching power against Crysalis, and Dash throwing her into the glowy orb of doomy doom. It’s all exciting, but there’s really not that much going on. It’s a fairly straightforward and uncomplicated plot that’s A to B to C.
That’s not necessarily bad or wrong, but it is a little simplistic. It would have been nice to see the story fleshed out to something more complicated, where Twilight had to match wits with amplified changelings in the castle grounds or something. We see a smidgen of what an amped changeling looks like in the train, but not really in action. Having at least one scene of that, especially if it proves difficult for Twilight, would have added a sense of dread confronting Crysalis at the end as well as heightened the impact of her drawing on her friends for the power to really hold her own against the Queen.
I’m sounding like a broken record on some of these critiques—editors, editors, editors. I know you were down to the wire and plan to go back, so I won’t harp on it, but typos and punctuation errors abound outside of the missing italics (for what it’s worth, I never ever use the upload feature; I draft in other writing programs and manually insert bbcode as I go, then copy/paste into fimfiction when it’s done, because the uploader has the habit of scrambling stuff at times). I’ll just leave it with the statement that I have never seen a story put online that was only self-edited where after reading it I came away with the opinion that the writer had no use for a second set of eyes first.
Overall, I enjoyed myself reading this. Action with a side of smoochy horses is one of my favorite genres and this did not disappoint. You’ve got a bit of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome at play, which you might consider working on. Not the worst by any means, but as a general rule of thumb in my opinion, if you’re using colors to differentiate characters from each other rather than set the mood, it should probably be done away with.
Sometimes you’re trying to do double duty with both—most notably the scene where Dash looks from Twilight to all the rest at the train station and you talk about them in terms of eye color—and although it paints a certain mood, there’s a certain amount of translation that needs to happen in a reader’s head. ‘Cerulean eyes, that could be Fluttershy, Rarity, or Pinkie depending on the writer, okay, kindness, it’s Fluttershy.’ Having that pause where a reader is forced to translate an image to figure out who you’re talking about breaks immersion. And when the goal of doing something like that is to immerse a reader in imagery, you’re accomplishing the opposite.
A very nice and breezy action read. I look forward to more of your work in the future.
My two cents.
Dude don't ever stop writing this was really really good
This cant possibly be the first time you've written it has an amazing hook and a wonderful paceing to it i will continue to read this if you post more
2969923
Sorry for the late reply here, bats. It's been a really crazy few days, and on top of it, a family member landed in the hospital. (all is well though)
Anyway, thank you so much for the great review, and especially for the awesome tips and suggestions. I'll definitely take them to heart when I go back and clean up/polish the story.
Thanks again! I truly appreciate your time and advice!
2975621
Thanks for the read, and for the feedback! I'm glad you liked it! Yes, this is in fact my first ever piece of fiction. I'm happy that it's been fairly well received, but I know I've got a long way to go to really get to the next level. Hopefully, you'll hang around to read what my next story.
2961791
Thanks! I appreciate the feedback!
So far so good on to the next chapter.
3034010
Thanks for reading! In case you did not see the A/N at the end of chapter 1, that specific chapter is not my own work..it is just a prompt for the rest of the story.
Just an fyi. :)
3034027 Well now I fell kinda stupid,but I have read chapters 2 & 3 and there good too; I'll be sure to finish this story as soon as I get home.
3034333
Hey, no worries at all! I probably should put a note or something at the top of Chapter 1 as well, just in case.
There's another note at the end of the last chapter, which (tries) to explain some of the formatting issues that you might find in the later chapters. I do plan ongoing back to fix those, lol. :)
Thanks again for the read!
Okay just finished the story and it was great
Also I had know trouble distinguishing what was inner dialouge and what wasn't even without italics.
That... was... a great story! Keep up the good work
3168552
Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
3077281
Thanks for the read! I plan on going back to polish this some more, after some new projects get cleared up. Hopefully, it reads a bit smoother for you, lol. :)
Glad you enjoyed it though!
You're writing style is really good! You've got their personalities perfectly!
3364292
Yikes, I'm so sorry that I missed your comment!
Thanks for the kind words, and I'm glad you enjoyed the story! A bit of shameless self-promo here, but if you liked this one, I think you'll like 'Scars' even more. My writing definitely improved between here and there, lol. :)
3034027 I was wondering why it seemed so similar to Experiments.
2874225 True. It should be Chrysalis on the train. The changelings didn't even know how to cast shields.