- Member Since 17th May, 2013
- offline last seen 13 hours ago
DragonLady
Bursting with ideas, almost no time or motivation to write
DragonLady
Joined 17th May, 2013 ·
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Don't know who disliked it for it is a good short.
2966156
The dislike came so quickly I'm just assuming they didn't even read it. Thanks for the comment
I love the cover art for this. I look forward to giving this a read.
Not bad. There is a huge lack of lead in but that's okay. Anyway...
24.media.tumblr.com/a257ad5165644b1f79354634dfdee284/tumblr_mqo61uYbwk1rj6vd5o1_400.png
Feel free to post this stamp in the long description of your fic. There is a smaller version located in a thread in the Library.
2966240
Thank you for the comment.
Cute. :)
It's cute, it's sweet, it's short. It's a like a snack cake I can quickly enjoy in a couple of bites. Loved it!
All I noticed was "looked that this view, have you" - a That rather than At
Otherwise it's a nice short little story you've got here
2966590>>2966652
Thanks for the comment, guys.
2967369
Thanks for pointing out my error, and for your comment.
I went into this, thinking for some ungodly reason it was a story about RD and Twi fusing together.
...Yeah, I don't even know how I got to that conclusion.
2967739
It's funny you mention that because my original idea for the fic actually involved that in a way.
2967748
And thus the title?
2967766
Yeah, I decided to leave the title the same even though the characters took me in a different direction than originally intended. Also, it was the name of the song I listened to and got the idea from (even though the song wasn't really that related to the idea
).
Good story my freind.
Only one thing...
The challenge in this story is... Relationship problems?
RD has bad memories about the phrase 'You're just a pegasus'. Twilight accidently says that without knowing making RD uncomfterble and sad...
That is a good start. Now to the main point;
The problem is solved way to quickly. 5 sentences, Problem Solved!
Thats the problem. The submarine surface in the middle of the story, it goes back down after 2 min of reading.
Otherwise it was good.
I give you this story....
7/10 Photo Finish's Purrfection!
It's a little wooden and feels like it could use a bit more context, but the bigger issue is that the conflict is resolved too quickly. The premise is solid (i.e., Twilight says something that unintentionally hurts Dash), but it never fully develops. It's good that Twi and Dash sit down together and acknowledge that they didn't handle the situation well, but they never get to heart of the matter, i.e., the real reason Dash reacted the way she did to what Twi said. That would have made for a far more satisfying relationship story. Twilight would learn more about her marefriend, Dash would learn that she can open up to Twilight and trust her, and they'd both be closer at the end.
All that being said, I have a weakness for ponies cuddling together, so the d'aaw factor helped offset the lack of proper resolution.
Cute, love it.
Umm, if you could possibly, uh, make this longer, and uh, show Dashie Wonderbolt and her parents(or Dad's) feelings that would be great. If you don't mind of course.
you could expand it XD you can go on, but other than that, a very well made short story. It's too short....and I would like to take the idea if you don't mind....I might expand. If you wouldn't mind....
aaaaaaaand we have a winner.
great stuff, now if you will excuse me i have to dry the corners of my eyes,belt sand my tattoos off and turn in my last man card.
ill miss you penis,i really will.
2967993 2968093
I'll respond to both of you at the same time, since you have both brought up the same issue.
In hindsight, I admit that you're right about this. I could have brought about a longer and more satisfying conclusion by doing a few simple things. Thank you both for pointing this out to me. Plot development seems to be my weakness, I must pay more attention to it in the future.
2969231
Go ahead and expand on it if you want to. The idea of Rainbow Dash having psychological problems under her egotistical exterior is nothing new, so it's definitely an idea not owned solely by me.
If you ever get around to it, you can show me a link of your work.
Whyboner.jpg
2972680
I will thanks. :3
2968295
Honestly, I probably won't expand on this at all
2970877
Muahahahaha, enjoy being a... not man?
2968142
Thanks for the kind comment.
2972893
Of course I find interesting fics when I am about to go to bed. And then before I have tons of things to do in the next day. UGH! Okay, well, I might read this. I might not. I am afraid to add this to my Read Later list because it might be forgotten, due to school arriving soon.
I'll see what happens in the next couple days.
2973731
Ah, I am familiar with that curse. Good luck finding time to read this
Well, life has funny ways of making you not care about things that your body needs. Like sleep. Sleep is irrelevant. It always is, and always will be.
But on to the small review. After reading this, I feel that, overall, I would rate this 8 or 9/10. And here is my reasoning.
The conflict was very well created, and I have to say that I have found myself in situations like that many times. The buildup was good, and it worked well with it all. But I felt that the time where Rainbow Dash was remembering things was a little weak in terms of exposition. It needed that little bit more to seem right. Honestly, it isn't that large of a concern, considering the impact it has. Though that extra exposition, such as a conversation with her parents instead of just the statements they made, would have been better.
This leads me to my second point. The ending came a little lackluster to me. It resolved too quickly. While the anger would most certainly disappear rather fast, the problem is still there: Rainbow Dash has problems with believing in herself. She has been told she is nothing new, and so, she puts on a cloak of "awesomeness" to mask the pain of being told she isn't special. This is a deep psychological trauma, and with Twilight being her "marefriend" (I hate saying marefriend instead of girlfriend sometimes), her not opening up is rather odd. Trust is a fundamental part of a relationship, and honesty is right alongside that. If this relationship is bound by trust, then Rainbow Dash should be honest about her past. When I saw the end coming, I was looking for a comforting recap of events to Twilight, where Rainbow Dash comes to terms with her past because Twilight comforts her out of thinking about it.
This did not happen. Instead, you ended it with Rainbow Dash giving a sad bit of information that Twilight doesn't even have a rebuttal towards. She should know that she isn't getting the whole story, and therefore push for her to be more honest.
Another thing that I noticed (and this is an editor's reaction because I edit a lot (almost thought about doing it for a living)) is that you are not consistent with your dashes. You seem to use an en dash [ – ] in replacement of an em dash [ — ], which is entirely fine. You are from a country outside the US, and so you follow under different rules. But don't use a hyphen [ - ] in replacement of an en dash. I hate seeing that, and it just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it is apart of the Commonwealth English way to do that, and if so, then I apologize. But it really doesn't make sense to me.
Sorry, editor's rant. I do that a lot. In the end, I will give my final rating of 8/10. You did a good job with making it flow, but you have some things that could be improved upon.
Thank you for keeping me up. I hope I can sleep.
2973819
Sorry my reply is late, I was away for about 2 days then couldn't think of a good reply. So this'll be about as lackluster as the conclusion of this story. In hindsight, I do see you are correct on most, if not all of the things you have said. I thank you very much for the feedback on my story.
And I'm pretty sure hyphens are used the same way in all of the English language.
2993274
Well, the thing about hyphens is they connect words, not show a cutoff in speech or a interjection in narration. To me, I see it as lazy (not calling you lazy, but just overall using it instead of an em or an en dash). But I am not up-to-date on styles, and don't know if hyphens are able to be used like that. So, I may be wrong XD
Just an old fart in terms of grammar, I suppose.
2993282
Don't worry, I am lazy. I didn't really... self-edit this story as much as I should have. I'll hunt for the wrongly placed hyphens now, I don't remember if there were any or not, haha.
2993293
We all can be lazy sometimes. Like how I should be writing an essay. . . .
2993302
I know that feeling.
Part Two???
3727677
A second part to this is not planned at all. Sorry for the very late reply. I didn't see it in my inbox until just now.
2970877 not really sure why ou would lose you masculinity over a story, even one as wonderful as this one...