Relatively new brony trying to break into the fandom with mediocre fan fic works. Also, I co-run a Brony group on Facebook and Twitter called Young Spark Bronies.
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Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle are friends. Very good friends. But suddenly, Dashie is beginning to think there is something more there. How can she possibly bring this to the attention of her secret crush without risking the friendship that she loves so much?
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it looks good so far. I would only suggest that you double-space between paragraphs, as some ponies might consider the way you have it to be too close to Wall O'Text for comfort.
2502043
Thanks for the advice! I wasn't sure how to format it since this was my first one.
2502054
it's cool. if you need more advice, let me know.
Lovin' the story so far! I love a good TwiDash. I am looking forward to reading more of this as it comes out. Keep up the great writing!
looks like you have a case of the Dash. keep in mind only Gilda called her Dash (and i think spike once, in over a barrel)
Twilight and other ponies call her Rainbow Dash, or Rainbow for short. even when somewhat upset (see a friend in deed, library scene)
2502177
Haha thanks for pointing that out. Like I said in my blog, I'm relatively new to the fandom, so I haven't grasped some of the more subtle nuances like that. I just thought writing Dash would be less tedious than seeing Rainbow Dash multiple times in a row, and Rainbow just sounds awkward to me.
2502148
Thanks a bunch! Always good to see support. I might get along to writing chapter 2 tonight if I have time. I've got some pretty good ideas for how I want this to progress, and I hope you're going to like them
You're definitely off to a good start on this.
it's funny, normally I don't like Twidash stories. this one... is proving to be the exception.
(I like it, is what I'm trying to say.)
2502998
You, sir, are not human, it's not possible for humans to not like Twidash
On a more serious note, story looks good so far, though it feels a bit rushed. It could use a little bit more description of events, actions, and feelings, though the feelings thing is alright as it is now. Other then that, interested to where this leads.
Can I be one of Dash's two favorite people? :D
Good start so far, looking forward to more.
A lot of this is really feeling more like a summary of events than actual events taking place. Also, I know you said you were new to the fandom, but you don't really need to give so much backstory about well known characters and locations. Anyone reading this on this website is familiar enough with them that you can pretty much skip character introductions. I'm not sure if you've read many stories on the site yet, but I would suggest reading a few to get some ideas on how to bring things like this up. I'd also like to see more dialogue and and thought processes going on, as it is now it seems to be switching between backstory/summary mode to brief glaces at characters and what they think/say before jumping back into summaries. I'm not really sure what advice to give to fix this, as I'm not a writer myself, but as-is this is feeling very rushed and bare-bones.
I haven't noticed many spelling/grammar mistakes, though. And I will keep reading the story to see where it goes.
2504243
Thanks for the advice! I'm pretty new to storytelling, so I wasn't sure how to present the ideas clearly to others. My basic writing process is to write down what I want to transpire. I have the sequence of events I want to happen in this story noted, and I'm basically presenting it as an outsider looking in. I can see what I can do about making everything a little more personal in terms of the interactions between the ponies and their thought processes. I'm a very summary oriented person, so when I tell about scenes in my mind, It usually comes out that way. However, as I continue to write and receive criticism, I feel like I'l be able to shape my craft and hone it to where it needs to be. Once again, thanks for the advice, and thanks for following the story.
2503526
I'm not used to talking about things in terms of ponies
I went back and fixed the offending text, but as per your command, you can be one of Rainbow Dash's favorite people
this was a really sweet chapter. I like where you're going with it, too.
2506827you
Nice chapter.
found a typo though
Rianbow's
2508486
Thanks for pointing that out. I went ahead and fixed it
This is good, tracking and please continue.
shameless Walking Dead reference is shameless. but still awesome.
another good chapter, I might add.
Good stuff! Read all four a these chapters, gotta hand it to you, well done! Some of the language could do with a bit of working on and as I'm sure people have told you, slow down with the events of a day! Twilight and Rainbow sure ate that breakfast quick...
OR MAYBE IT IS JUST ME LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO MOAN AT. IT PROBABLY IS.
2518087
I sure am! where would i be without my proofreaders
2517882
I'm working on the pacing each chapter. This is the first time I've ever had any success whatsoever with a fanfic, so I'm very inexperienced. I do feel like the chapters have gotten better as the story has progressed (feel free to disagree).
As for the breakfast, I was envisioning something small that Twilight would have just whipped up to wake Rainbow up, and I wanted it to feel a little rushed at the end because of how frantic Rainbow became.
Thanks for the feedback though! It's always great to see people taking a vested interest in my work!
My only problem with the story was all the needless information I had to skip. I know that Applebloom is a blank flank who founded the CMC already, but I can see the slight chance that somebody relatively new might happen upon this story so it's not anything that needs to be changed. I dearly hope there's not as much in later chapters though.
2518847
A lot of people have already commented on me not needing to add in backstory. I'm pretty sure that the last few chapters have been relatively devoid of that. Hopefully it gets better as you read more into it!
I just can't resist...
1-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/board/tg/image/1366/08/1366084117281.jpg
Please, down vote all you want, but it just came over me and I couldn't avoid it.
Good chapter,
Chapters three and four have been much better than the first two. My only real criticism is that it still seems to be moving a bit too fast, and you could probably do with a bit more description in some places.
I'm starting to enjoy this quite a bit now.
2520202
I'm glad to hear that I really am improving as much as I feel that I am! like I said I'm still working on the descriptive parts and trying to fine the right balance. I don't want to run the risk of becoming like Nathaniel Hawthorne and being way too descriptive. That always bogged me down when I was reading, so I don't want to have that effect on others.
2520253
True, too much description can bog a story down. But adding in a few more minor details into a scene can add some character. A few examples in chapter 4 might be describing what Twilight made RD for breakfast. At the CMC clubhouse maybe describe how the characters are situated, maybe one of them like Babs or Scootaloo is reclining comfortably on a tilted-back chair? Little things like that can make a story a bit more believable and can show a character's personality without them needing a lot of dialogue.
2520319
Well, as with all things, a little bit of experimentation will definitely be taking place! I'll see what I can do about those minor details, and try and paint a more vivid word picture
You are definitely improving.
There are a few typos and a few slightly odd sentences, other than that you are doing great.
The long is right, nice chapter.
The chapter length is good. I noticed a few spelling mistakes. I am curious to see Twi's reaction. Keep up the good work :D
This chapter is written far better than the previous three. If you still want my help, I'd be more than happy to help you with this!
Whichever way makes the story easier for you to write at the time
Good chapter. Seems like Twilight and Dash are both about ready for Dash's confession. And as for length, anything below 3000 words feels kinda short to me.
Personally, I prefer shorter, broken up chapters. But so long as they're under 5,000 each, it's all good! ^^ Aside from that, nice story, keep up the good work!
2509680
Instead of telling us the sun set. Paint us a picture with your words. Something like...
The lowering sun, sinking beneath the horizon swathed the celestial tapestry in glorious golds, opulent oranges, radiant reds, vibrant violets and bold blues; the cottony puffs of clouds in the heavens shifting shades as the peaks darkened into charcoal greys and ebony blacks, as the undersides glowed with spectacular crimsons, tantalizing tangerines and pregnant purples. A light breeze ruffled her fur, reminding her of the sun's recent departure as temperatures fell, carrying the teasing scent of water, rosemary and thyme. Crickets chirruped in a cacophonous chorus, fireflies flitting about, their yellow-greenish lights betraying their positions against the deepening dusky woods which caressed and embraced the quaint town of Ponyville, as they winked in and out, as though the celestial spheres above danced about above the summery scene which graced the lands of Equestria. The gentle breeze caressing the lands in a calming "shhh" sound, as patches of grasses bowed and waved before the invisible force they yielded to.
Doesn't that sound so much better than just saying: The sun set?
I just read through this and I like where you going so far. Not really any conflict, but you kept my interest through the first five chapters so far. You don't need to apologize for a few days between chapters. Most authors are way slower in updating then that.
2607157 Sanity is for the weak
2551070 That.... eh.... cheesy....
Please update!
oh come on! did you had to end it there!
(im not mad at you i undestand when life gets messed up or something)
2551070 You write like that and you HAVEN'T written/published any stories?!?
I was thinkin bout her, thinkin bout me, thinking bout us, what we gon' be! I opened up my eyes yeah, It was only dream!
This is usually refreshing. Most stories don't bother to introduce their characters, yours proving to be an excellent exception. The character's personalities seem to be slightly skewed, but in a good way. They seem new and interesting all over again.