• Member Since 1st Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 2nd, 2017

Mr Anomalous


And so I sit, alone with the dark and the quiet, treading the secret corridors of my mind & soul and always discovering the oddest things. . . .

E

Sunny evenings, trees, courage and confessions...they all lead to the beginning of something big. Something beautiful.


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My first romance story, don't hold back on criticisms.
This was inspired by a cute little FlutterDash comic that I read on the internet, but I changed lots of things and made it into a better ship: TwiDash!
Have fun!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 21 )

The italics messed up

2680565
Time to go on a messed-up italics hunt!

There appears to be an error in the italics starting about 2/3rds of the way through the story. The entire last third is completely italicized.

Pretty good for a first romance. It's short, but it's a complete story. Not ambitious but decent anyway. Only complaint is that the "I don't like mares I like you" line is starting to get stale, but that's not the fic's fault.

2680637
That's been used before? Blast!

You're the result of me randomly picking a story from the "new" list. I hope you can forgive me.

Well, TwiDash happens to be the only kind of shipping I'm interested in, instantly boosting this story. The problem I have, however, is that it's essentially nothing new at all. There are plenty of romances out there describing the beginning, and they all usually have the pattern "Someone makes the first move, other one flees, only to later confess that they had the same feelings".

I read it a million times already and by now it's nothing interesting anymore. The only new thing in here is the alicorn thing, but that barely had an impact on the story.

Not to say it's bad. Not at all, in fact. It just has nothing new to offer and that's a bit disappointing.

This was a good first attempt, however, there are a few things I'd like to point out.

First of all, you should always do a quick once-over of your whole chapter/one-shot before you upload it, because you have a messed up italics tag towards the end that reduced the whole body of text after it to nothing but italics.

After that, there are a few grammar mistakes—not nearly as many as the majority of first-timers, however, one of the more eye-catching ones is the double "of" at the beginning.

Grammar and formatting aside, the story itself was incredibly short and sadly quite lacking. You started off rather strong, with a decent funnel, but it quickly devolved from there. The important thing to remember about romance is that there must not only be conflict, but emotional build-up; we need to feel the importance of the characters' emotions or the whole thing falls flat. Writers of action/adventure and comedy can usually get away without having large amounts of build-up as long as they have compelling plot-lines, but in situations where the entire plot hinges on us understanding the emotions of, and sympathizing with, the characters, it will inevitably cause the death of the story.

Why does Rainbow love Twilight? How did her feelings develop? Is she okay with them? Has she ever tried to hint at them to Twilight? Is she perhaps growing frustrated that such a smart pony can be so obtuse? Perhaps she's been closely guarding her feelings as a secret because she's actually very insecure? How did she become so close to Twilight, to the point where they're both comfortable with holding each other and other such things?

What about Twilight? How did her feelings develop? Why is she not okay with them? How does a recluse go from non-sociable to secretly loving one of her best friends? What about her issues with being a Princess? I think bats's Little Wonders would be a terrific example of this situation. Look closely at how he handles the emotional build-up; he grows it in tandem with the conflict and emotional issues that both ponies have.

Your dialogue is pretty good, but there are still some things I'd like to talk about in regards to it. When you write people talking, you want to take into account their emotions, their body language—even their upbringings and personalities! Every aspect of a character must go into their dialogue. For instance would you expect Rainbow Dash to say this:

"Why, no, my good stallion," she said politely. She gave the colt before her a gentle look, but maintained her distance from him. "I don't quite think I'd enjoy going to the Grand Galloping Gala with you."

or do you think she'd say it more like this:

"Are you crazy?" Rainbow Dash screamed. Silence filled the room as everypony turned to investigate the sudden shouting. The stallion's ears slicked back and his face flushed bright red. Dash bit her lip and took a deep breath before pulling him closer and whispering in his ear—this time much more gently. "Look, it's not you, okay? I'm just not into stallions."

Now, applied to this story, we have:

"Yes, Twilight, it's exactly what is sounds like. Twilight, I...have a... thing for you. I like you, and... And I am asking you out on a date."

and...

"Yeah, Twi," Dash whispered, biting her lip. "This is exactly what is sounds like..." She had to struggle to keep eye contact with the unicorn as she went on—it was like the ground had a magnetic pull on her eyes. "I-I kinda like you, y'know?" She laughed awkwardly and scratched the back of her neck. "A-and I was wondering if maybe you'd wanna go out with me tomorrow..."

When writing dialogue, remember that you are writing people talking. When we talk, we're really only using our words for about 5-10% of the message. The rest is all body language, tone and inflection. Matching the wording to the character is key, but so are mapping pauses, stutters and tone. There is a big difference between the way Applejack and Fluttershy talk, is there not? Watch how Fluttershy hides behind her mane and murmurs. She tries to keep her sentences short so that nopony can interrupt her. Applejack, on the other had, stands proud and stubborn—she says what she wants to say and she means it. Twilight seems like the kind of pony who would use convoluted articulation in everyday speech without even realizing it.

Go out and listen to how people talk in the real world. Watch some T.V. and pay attention to the pauses, stutters and pitch of characters in different situations—I guarantee that you'll learn a lot.

A good way to approach writing is to look at what you have written in front of you. If your paragraphs are only two or three sentences long, then you are not adequately getting your points across. Color it. Use some description. Talk about body language, maybe bring up the duo's past history or words of advise that either had heard from ponies that they respected. In other words, you have a skeleton for a story here, now put some meat on it! :pinkiehappy:

This fic could have easily been 6-10k. Again, for a first-timer, you did pretty good. Just remember that you want more conflict than "will she love me too?" or "I love you, but we can't be together because of..." and soon you'll be hitting the FB in your sleep.

Good luck!

2680833
This is exactly what I was looking for. Thanks!

This can't possibly be a oneshot! It leaves way too much!!

2682318
Well, I might write an also one-shot sequel later on, if I continue getting positive feedback.

Good story. I like it.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Not a bad story. Could really use an editor, but bad sentence structure and repetition of word choice do not make for a bad story. Just means you could use some more practice.

Overall, I'd say 7 out of 10, as well as a thumbs up.:twilightsmile:

2696296
Thank you indeed. I'm proud of it.

Fairly enjoyable, for a short little story. You might want to work on fluffing up your sentences, though. What I mean is that in some areas, there are some minor problems. While I won't list all of them, here are a few examples:

First,

Rainbow quickly felt a certain heat rise to her cheeks, but dispelled quickly it. Now was not the time.

Here, the problem being with word choice/repetition. This could easily be fixed by playing around with different words and phrases that give the same meaning:

Rainbow quickly felt a certain heat rise to her cheeks, but dispelled it just as fast. Now was not the time.

And second,

The two sat there, leaned against one another as the horizon was just started to turn into the colors of the sunset.

In this case, there are some conflicting tenses.This takes a little bit more effort to fix depending on the sentence and context, but shouldn't be too bad.

The two sat there, leaning against one another as the horizon was just starting to turn into the colors of the sunset.

Just read through, play around, fix it up, and you'll be golden!

2703731
No problem, I'd try to help more with structure and what-not, but I'm no writer, just good with grammar. :pinkiehappy:

Very cute and enjoyable!

:raritywink:Short, simple, and cute. For what it is, its pretty good!

Soooo... Based on your authors note...

L= Limit of inspiration before you suddenly go writing down fits willy-nilly.
I= Inspiration.

I
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L

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