- Member Since 8th Mar, 2013
- offline last seen Sunday
King Artermis
I write to write, and will try to help those that are having life troubles. My IRL friends labeled me the male Princess Luna because of my night owl status. I am King Artermis of the Moon.
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DAT'S A LOTTA CALIPERS MAN
flexbar.com/shop/pc/catalog/calipers-descIMG.jpg
I just wonder... can you cram any more wish-fulfillment into here?
i711.photobucket.com/albums/ww118/AAKRON/nope-1_zpsea399929.gif
I'm not going to stick around to find out!
Umm good potential story just to rushed with romance. And will there be a fight with shining armor for cadence
I just want cry from laughter.
MOAR!!!
2841234
I don't give out surprises. You just have to wait for the next instalment.
*clears throat*
...no.
*leaves*
How dafuq is this a clopfic?
2851595
Calm your tits.
Haven't posted next chapter yet.
i am kind of wondering how did he gain such quick control over his powers it took goku 18 life to freely manipulate ki (well really it was 3 years on kami's look out) the same goes for the avatar with the binding (well maybe the minimal air bending he did would't count (i bring up good points) and one more thing he needs the training involved with this because ki is spiritual energy brought about by training the body and the binding methods the avatar uses involves certain styles of martial arts but i digress this is your story and maybe god gave him the knowledge to use them
if he is half saiyan does he have the hunger of one and he should be starving after using up that much ki
So, when u get it up? Btw, how is this a clopfic?
2851914
The next chapter has clop, calm your tits.
will he e using the 7 chakras thing in the future because that would make my day
2853221
I don't give spoilers out bro.
good job but if you are wondering what happend i have no ideam i only posted a story from my friend but i'm back and i'm taking no more risks
2853532 just guessed sorry
MOAR
moar
ok two thoughts keeps coming to mind one does he have a tail and 2 a saiyan water bender will kind of be redundant on there most power full night for reason look at my first thought
loving the story by the way
its ok
2858608
Good question too.
No he doesn't have a tail, otherwise Cadence would have asked the first time they bathed together.
2860284 but he could grow one at any time, but he would most likely cut it off wouldn't he
2860295
Damn, alil Gary Stu-ish but overall good. Romance though...damn talk about hitting the ground running, or more like going Mach one. Although I am happy that you kept the sex in check...for now
. I will keep my eye on this fic though.
23 people died from the awesomeness that is this story.
2869842
Your comment just made my day.
2871382 I'll admit, its not the greatest story but, I like the idea you have here and that is ok in my book.
I also don't like to be a dick if I don't have to be.
I also know how hard it is to write a story in the first place. Just because a story isn't written right, doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. You shouldn't judge a book by its cover, isn't that what mlp:fim is trying to teach us, did we not learn for Derpy?
Please, just give it a try people, for Fluttershy
or maybe Applebloom
? Who knows, you may just like what you see.
I'm the Unitedbrony and I give this story a 7/10.
Wait. This reminds me of a fic I read a while ago... I can't really put a finger on it but this has exactly the same premise as that fic.
2874024
Would it be Balance of the Mind and Body by Swift Blaze?
...
2874770 maybe it was batman?
2888599
You made my day.
2874770 Oh, yeah. That's it!
Unless this is secretly a parody of bad SI fics, then the only thing I can say is that this story is terrible. I already found a large amount of problems with the story, and it's only been a single chapter.
The writing is awful (please at least make sure to go over each chapter one time before submitting it, and if you can't do that, then at least get a proofreader to go over it). Your character is an obvious wish fulfillment SI. Nothing in the story makes any sense, and it's also full of clichés. Really, why would he ask to be an Avatar while at the same time asking to have saiyan powers? That kind of power is massively more powerful than the Avatar, so it makes no sense to ask for both. Also, why would he need the glider if he can fly? Why did the princesses just believe everything he said? How does he know that pony is the Doctor (and why are you using that stupid trope)? Why did he try to make up a story if he was going to spill all his secrets less than a second later?
I had been hoping to upvote this just to balance it out, but there's no way I'd ever give this a like the way it is now.
Well, I guess you're trying to see how many problems you can fit into each chapter, and I can tell you that so far it's a lot. Once again, there's a mountain of issues with this chapter.
Alright, he's with Cadence. Even though she's only known him for about 30 minutes. Wow. He also changed his name because the pain it causes his soouuuulll.
Also, you have no idea how guns work. Or your character doesn't, but since your character is an idolized version of you, then I guess you share problems. He told Celestia he was going to destroy it, then he told Cadence he wasn't going to, and then he destroys it anyway. Is your character really that stupid? Also, Cadence seems to be the only one with any sense in this story. Like she said, why is he so concerned about the gun? He could just keep it somewhere safe, and like Cadence said his powers are far more dangerous than that gun. The excuse he used (that he would be the only one controlling the power) is stupid, because that power is so great that it can casually destroy entire planets, and
ArtemisChase doesn't seem smart enough to control it. Which is just proven true when he uses it for entertainment.Why did he reveal his true name to Celestia after a few seconds with no trouble at all, but suddenly he goes into an angstfest when Cadence asks what his real name is. That "emotional pain" excuse is complete crap (don't even try to say otherwise), because we all know you just wanted to give your idolized SI a "cool" and "edgy" name. I honestly wish that last shot he did with the gun would have hit his foot or something. At least that would have been slightly funny.
That's it. I've had enough of this crap, and I honestly can't give this enough dislikes. The very idea that someone could give this a like just shocks me considering how messed up it is.
The guy can now transform. Uh, excuse me? I must have missed the part where the Avatar or a Saiyan can transform themselves into whatever they want. Oh, that's right, they can't.
He can now move the moon and sun, proving that once again
youyour character doesn't understand how any of his powers works, nor does he understand how the sun works. Also, neither power allows something like that. Well, they don't allow transforming either, so I guess it doesn't matter. Why don't you just save us all the trouble and give him every power in the universe?After just getting with Cadence, he decides to cheat on her. And then there's this gem:
Yeah, because hiding the fact that you're cheating never causes any problems.
Yeah, because mind raping someone who learns you're cheating doesn't make you a complete monster.
Yeah, because the powers you have (Avatar and Saiyan) allow for mind altering abilities (they don't, just to be clear).
Yeah, because massive abuse of your power doesn't also make you a complete monster.
Yeah, because anyone would want to be with you after you casually mention how you plan on wiping the mind of your lover if she finds out.
Huh, I just realized that Cadence was right all along (no surprise there). He really was more dangerous than the gun, considering he plans on abusing his powers like that with no care at all for the consequences.
At this point, nothing will make this story better short of God coming back and ripping his powers away, giving him a massive "Why you suck" speech, and then sending his worthless soul into hell. But considering how much of a Gary Stu your worthless SI is, I don't see that happening.
Alright, this is getting annoying.
ArtemisChaseMist seems to have no trouble prying into a strangers troubled life nor does he have a problem with prying at all, but the moment someone asks him for anything even if it makes sense for them to ask (Cadence asking what his real name was, Luna asking why the star looked strange, etc.) he just throws a tantrum like a 2 year old. Actually, my 2 year old niece doesn't even throw a tantrum if someone asks what her name is. So now he's a complete hypocrite along with all the other problems.Real life isn't an anime! That's now how it-
No, it's not. It's Chase. Mist is a retarded name (so is Artemis, but that's a different story). With how often you keep changing his name, I seriously have to wonder how long it's going to take for him to finally tell the one he loves what his actual name is. So far he's had 3 idiotic names, let's see if you can add more to the list.
Did- did you seriously just have Granny Smith try to murder a child.
I think saying that was OOC would be far too much of an understatement. It's actually character assassination when it's that bad. Good job, you've managed to make pretty much every single character massively OOC by this point. Here's your reward:
*Clap*
*Clap*
*Clap*
handled like a pro
2895431
I have already beefed up the character to not even represent me any more. Hence why I am just writing whatever I would like to have in it to get to the main goal I have in mind.
Its not like I'm asking you or anyone to do so.
See I like good criticism, but you also don't understand the way this story works, so let me try to help you understand a little better. I have looked into his power usage, and abilities after you told me the problems. Artermis's shape shifting was an ability he asked for after the saiyan and avatar powers. I made him have both powers because I have a goal for this story to have an epic battle later on. I never just made him randomly have powers. His power to move the celestial bodies had an extreme toll after he entered the Avatar State, and I already knew that he isn't supposed to do that.I know what the limits to the avatar's power is, I am just trying to compensate for his sayain abilities. I was also trying to make the story an easy and fun read type deal, not something that is to be taken seriously.
His reasons for hiding his actual name, which is Mist, is something that will come up when he handles his trust problems, and finally tells his whole back story.
His ability to alter the mind is also something that will be explained in his back story. His glider that he brought with him is more of a keepsake then an actual tool he will be using. I tried my best to describe the way a gun works, but I apparently don’t have all the knowledge. Don’t get me wrong with this being a rant of a reply; I’m just trying to improve your understanding of the story.
I am writing this in Microsoft Word, and then going over it, and finally copy pasting it to the site, and fixing what wouldn’t copy over. I am still trying to fix all of the typos, and grammatical errors.
I believe most of my writing problems are from my lack of knowledge. I am a new writer, and am only sixteen years old. I am sorry if you were led to believe otherwise. My mane goal is to get this story on the site, then see what I could do to better the plot, or the holes, or anything that seems too rushed or wrong.
I thank you for your help on pointing things out for me, but I am trying to get as many chapters up as fast as possible. I literally haven’t stopped using my free time elsewhere. I have plenty of free time now that it is summer vacation, and I am filled with ideas about all of these stories I want to write.
I once again thank you for your criticism for this story. Oh and if you don't enjoy the story, why keep reading.
2895607
Thanks for the thought
Why you hurt my feels?
Oh and........DAAAAAMN......I didn't know Granny Smith was such a bitch.
moar!
We all knew it, we were just too afraid to say so.
2896878
Alright, so he asked for more powers. You might want to actually write that in, because otherwise there's no way for the reader to know.
It's also a pretty flimsy excuse. You can literally have this guy do anything, and if someone brings it up how there's no way he can do it, you can just say "he asked for it off screen."
Also, you made it pretty clear that his real name was Chase. Except then it was Mist. It was clear that his made up name was Artemis (still wondering why he'd do that), but he's revealed his true name twice, and each time was different.
I'm not quite sure you understand the problem here. I couldn't care less how his mind altering powers work. I'm saying that my problem is if he abuses that power to not only cheat on someone he loves, but also mind rape her if she finds out, then he is clearly a complete monster who deserves nothing less than being banished to the moon. You don't just casually mention to someone you plan on cheating with that "It's cool, I can just wipe her memories if she finds out about us. There's no ethical problems with that, right?" You also shouldn't expect to ever have anyone show interest in you if you say that in front of them (in fact, it'd be more believable to have said character run straight to the princesses that the new guy is insane).
The premise to the story interested me, so I gave it a chance. Also, I can't exactly criticize something without reading it first. People who judge something without even bothering to look at it first are terrible. Doing it this way might lead to bad experiences with less than good fanfiction, but at least it's fair to the author (even though I'm criticizing you, aren't you at least happy that I bothered to read it? I could have easily just thrown in some generalized complaints without actually reading first, but that wouldn't be helping anyone).
Anyway, good luck with the rest of your story.
So with Granny Smith you made her reaction to Applebloom's bending the same as the stereotypical reaction southerner's have toward something they don't understand. That being either kill it or send it away. Then when she couldn't do that in her anger she took it out on an innocent because she was close to the one she wanted to harm. That mabey ooc for the canon version of Granny Smith but given the Apple Family in Ponyville is pretty much the stereotype farm family her reaction to a strange ability, even from a family member, does make sense.
Edit: Please note this is just my opinion if I am wrong kindly let me know. On another note this is a good story and please keep up the good work.
2898956
, but it seems he might just have a thick skull. His crticism is helpful though.
Please tell that to The Archive user. He didn't understand that bit of my story
And you were spot on with your opinion.