Umm good potential story just to rushed with romance. And will there be a fight with shining armor for cadence

How dafuq is this a clopfic?

if he is half saiyan does he have the hunger of one and he should be starving after using up that much ki

Damn, alil Gary Stu-ish but overall good. Romance though...damn talk about hitting the ground running, or more like going Mach one. Although I am happy that you kept the sex in check...for now . I will keep my eye on this fic though.

Well, I guess you're trying to see how many problems you can fit into each chapter, and I can tell you that so far it's a lot. Once again, there's a mountain of issues with this chapter.

Alright, he's with Cadence. Even though she's only known him for about 30 minutes. Wow. He also changed his name because the pain it causes his soouuuulll.

Also, you have no idea how guns work. Or your character doesn't, but since your character is an idolized version of you, then I guess you share problems. He told Celestia he was going to destroy it, then he told Cadence he wasn't going to, and then he destroys it anyway. Is your character really that stupid? Also, Cadence seems to be the only one with any sense in this story. Like she said, why is he so concerned about the gun? He could just keep it somewhere safe, and like Cadence said his powers are far more dangerous than that gun. The excuse he used (that he would be the only one controlling the power) is stupid, because that power is so great that it can casually destroy entire planets, and Artemis Chase doesn't seem smart enough to control it. Which is just proven true when he uses it for entertainment.

Why did he reveal his true name to Celestia after a few seconds with no trouble at all, but suddenly he goes into an angstfest when Cadence asks what his real name is. That "emotional pain" excuse is complete crap (don't even try to say otherwise), because we all know you just wanted to give your idolized SI a "cool" and "edgy" name. I honestly wish that last shot he did with the gun would have hit his foot or something. At least that would have been slightly funny.

Alright. First comment.
No offence, but he's REALLY emotional. Take that down a bit, and I think it would be prefect.

Gary Stu. Only thing I have to say about that. Moving on
Cadance... urm what happened to Shining Armor? He just had his world end and his personality is flipping back forth way to fast for him to be normal in any sense. Its almost like... Discord where'd you put my cookie? Lots of room for improvement but I can't find it in my somewhat tiny, blackened, and shriveled heart to continue reading goodbye Author-san. NO mustache for you. No you get this and

Heh, it's decent....for beginners...but its not something that will hook upvote like the Auric Fulcrum trilogy
if you don't know who auric is, start with the story "Headless but not heartless"...that or its sequel

Ummmm, huh. Well... That just happened? And really quickly as well.

i feel like im watching a very disorganised anime on 2x the normal speed and all the dialog is whiring past me in a blur.
plus i can almost hear the coices of cadence and one my mind has made for this guy in a chipmonky tune and speed.
im sorry but im stopping here. the dialog felt forced as did the 'love' as he just meet cadence and according to the shows cannon she and shining had been courting for awhile before she was first introduced. this means she would have been dating shining already.

Ok i cant finish this its like your just hitting bullets and fleshing anything out. O.C. check godly power check romance check. Your skipping everything not leaving anything for the reader to connect with.

TOO FAST!!!!!
god mode much?!

ugh...romance was too quick. At least have him save her life or something like that.

Nope. Sorry author, i usually give a story a five chapter chance to show its good or not but this is entierly a garry stu fic. Its only the second or third chapter and hes already got insane amounts of power combined with those he has a love interest in quite literally handing him a chance with them on a silver platter. On top of this the chapters feel so rushed that its hard to even really enjoy the story because by the time youve imagined one thing youve got to change that image entierly, or by the time you understand what happened three ither things have happened.

Best of luck, but i cant finish it. Happy writing author, and good luck in the future. :)

8780594
I can see some of what you say but he still needs to train to learn each bending style and get stronger in using koi at this point twilight can still stop him , as for his love interest maybe the author plans to have them brake up and he has to work hard to earn her back or he losses her to someone/something else