Did- did you seriously just have Granny Smith try to murder a child.
I think saying that was OOC would be far too much of an understatement. It's actually character assassination when it's that bad. Good job, you've managed to make pretty much every single character massively OOC by this point. Here's your reward:
2895431 See I like good criticism, but you also don't understand the way this story works, so let me try to help you understand a little better. I have looked into his power usage, and abilities after you told me the problems. Artermis's shape shifting was an ability he asked for after the saiyan and avatar powers. I made him have both powers because I have a goal for this story to have an epic battle later on. I never just made him randomly have powers. His power to move the celestial bodies had an extreme toll after he entered the Avatar State, and I already knew that he isn't supposed to do that.I know what the limits to the avatar's power is, I am just trying to compensate for his sayain abilities. I was also trying to make the story an easy and fun read type deal, not something that is to be taken seriously. His reasons for hiding his actual name, which is Mist, is something that will come up when he handles his trust problems, and finally tells his whole back story. I have already beefed up the character to not even represent me any more. Hence why I am just writing whatever I would like to have in it to get to the main goal I have in mind. His ability to alter the mind is also something that will be explained in his back story. His glider that he brought with him is more of a keepsake then an actual tool he will be using. I tried my best to describe the way a gun works, but I apparently don’t have all the knowledge. Don’t get me wrong with this being a rant of a reply; I’m just trying to improve your understanding of the story. I am writing this in Microsoft Word, and then going over it, and finally copy pasting it to the site, and fixing what wouldn’t copy over. I am still trying to fix all of the typos, and grammatical errors. I believe most of my writing problems are from my lack of knowledge. I am a new writer, and am only sixteen years old. I am sorry if you were led to believe otherwise. My mane goal is to get this story on the site, then see what I could do to better the plot, or the holes, or anything that seems too rushed or wrong. I thank you for your help on pointing things out for me, but I am trying to get as many chapters up as fast as possible. I literally haven’t stopped using my free time elsewhere. I have plenty of free time now that it is summer vacation, and I am filled with ideas about all of these stories I want to write. I once again thank you for your criticism for this story. Oh and if you don't enjoy the story, why keep reading. Its not like I'm asking you or anyone to do so.
Alright, so he asked for more powers. You might want to actually write that in, because otherwise there's no way for the reader to know.
It's also a pretty flimsy excuse. You can literally have this guy do anything, and if someone brings it up how there's no way he can do it, you can just say "he asked for it off screen."
Also, you made it pretty clear that his real name was Chase. Except then it was Mist. It was clear that his made up name was Artemis (still wondering why he'd do that), but he's revealed his true name twice, and each time was different.
His ability to alter the mind is also something that will be explained in his back story.
I'm not quite sure you understand the problem here. I couldn't care less how his mind altering powers work. I'm saying that my problem is if he abuses that power to not only cheat on someone he loves, but also mind rape her if she finds out, then he is clearly a complete monster who deserves nothing less than being banished to the moon. You don't just casually mention to someone you plan on cheating with that "It's cool, I can just wipe her memories if she finds out about us. There's no ethical problems with that, right?" You also shouldn't expect to ever have anyone show interest in you if you say that in front of them (in fact, it'd be more believable to have said character run straight to the princesses that the new guy is insane).
Oh and if you don't enjoy the story, why keep reading. Its not like I'm asking you or anyone to do so.
The premise to the story interested me, so I gave it a chance. Also, I can't exactly criticize something without reading it first. People who judge something without even bothering to look at it first are terrible. Doing it this way might lead to bad experiences with less than good fanfiction, but at least it's fair to the author (even though I'm criticizing you, aren't you at least happy that I bothered to read it? I could have easily just thrown in some generalized complaints without actually reading first, but that wouldn't be helping anyone).
So with Granny Smith you made her reaction to Applebloom's bending the same as the stereotypical reaction southerner's have toward something they don't understand. That being either kill it or send it away. Then when she couldn't do that in her anger she took it out on an innocent because she was close to the one she wanted to harm. That mabey ooc for the canon version of Granny Smith but given the Apple Family in Ponyville is pretty much the stereotype farm family her reaction to a strange ability, even from a family member, does make sense. Edit: Please note this is just my opinion if I am wrong kindly let me know. On another note this is a good story and please keep up the good work.
2898956 Please tell that to The Archive user. He didn't understand that bit of my story, but it seems he might just have a thick skull. His crticism is helpful though. And you were spot on with your opinion.
2898867 I never said I was displeased with you critcising my story, it is actually quite helpful. I did get fustrated at what you said. I did however see what you were trying to do. I thank you for your help.
2901063 Thank you and he probably read what I typed and probably realized that though it was ooc for canon you were playing off the stereotype that the apple family represents.
I didn't imply that you didn't like my criticism. If that's what you got from my comment, then I apologize, but that's not what I wanted to imply.
In fact, I love that you find my criticism helpful. Like I said, the idea behind the story is an interesting one, and I could see it being a very good story.
Wait, just so I'm clear, are you saying Granny Smith's reaction makes perfect sense because it's a completely stereotype thing to do?
First, that's bad story telling if you're relying on stereotypes. It's also still OOC, because not only are the Apple family not stereotypes, but the stereotypes themselves are wrong. You can't expect anyone to buy that a family that loves each other like they do would be driven to murder over something like that. That just destroys the willing suspension of disbelief.
Also, I just so happen to be southern, and I can assure you that the average family does not start murdering each other over anything. If they do murder anyone, then they get treated like all murders do, as horrible monsters. The idea that you're saying the average southerner is a family murdering psycho is both incredibly insulting, and completely wrong.
The stereotypical southerner reaction to something unexpected is to kill it? Wow, I can't believe I didn't realize that considering I'm a southerner. Oh wait, that's because it's complete crap. The idea that the average southern family consists of psychotic murderers is just insane. It's also not at all how the Apple family would react.
Seriously people, you don't justify a character's actions with stereotypes. That's a bad trope to use in any situation, especially when used in a story.
2907449 Actually I didn't say all southeners. Heck I know 4 that actually laugh at the stereotypes used to describe southeners. Sorry if I caused offense. Though you have to realise this isn't canon so the characters don't have to act fully like they would in the show. For example during the times he's walked around Ponyville in human form, since I doubt everypony knows he's not going to kill and or eat them, there hasn't been a single instance of a pony running away in terror, and this is the town where everypony paniced over a stamped of bunnies, so seeing a creature roughly around the height of the princesses and they don't know its dietary habit, so not screaming and running away isn't canon for the ponies of Ponyville either.
2907449 I'm terribly sorry if I offended you. I try my best not to rely on stereotypes for I have had a bad past with them. This is the first time that I have actually used any sterotypes for any of my stories. I would usually have tried to create a reason for the character to act out, but I couldn't find a good enough reason, or excuse, so I went with something I knew was going to offend some, but be resonable, to a limit, to others. I thought I took a necessary risk, but I guess it didn't turn out too well. I'll try to better these problems in the future. 2907613 See I like it when people know how stuff should work rather then keeping to the humor that Lauren put into the show, not that it's not good, just that it seemed to just not fit with my goals for this story. So yeah, I gave Equestria a big ol' slap of reality.
“My soul is millions of years old, but this body is only sixteen.” I tell her. She just looks confused. “What do you mean your soul is millions of years old?” She asks me. “I’ll have to explain later Celestia. This is a conversation that is not to be had in front of civilians.” I tell her. She nods to me.
Don't look now, but it seems that Somepony believes in reincarnation
Did- did you seriously just have Granny Smith try to murder a child.
I think saying that was OOC would be far too much of an understatement. It's actually character assassination when it's that bad. Good job, you've managed to make pretty much every single character massively OOC by this point. Here's your reward:
*Clap*
*Clap*
*Clap*
handled like a pro
2895431
See I like good criticism, but you also don't understand the way this story works, so let me try to help you understand a little better. I have looked into his power usage, and abilities after you told me the problems. Artermis's shape shifting was an ability he asked for after the saiyan and avatar powers. I made him have both powers because I have a goal for this story to have an epic battle later on. I never just made him randomly have powers. His power to move the celestial bodies had an extreme toll after he entered the Avatar State, and I already knew that he isn't supposed to do that.I know what the limits to the avatar's power is, I am just trying to compensate for his sayain abilities. I was also trying to make the story an easy and fun read type deal, not something that is to be taken seriously.
His reasons for hiding his actual name, which is Mist, is something that will come up when he handles his trust problems, and finally tells his whole back story. I have already beefed up the character to not even represent me any more. Hence why I am just writing whatever I would like to have in it to get to the main goal I have in mind.
His ability to alter the mind is also something that will be explained in his back story. His glider that he brought with him is more of a keepsake then an actual tool he will be using. I tried my best to describe the way a gun works, but I apparently don’t have all the knowledge. Don’t get me wrong with this being a rant of a reply; I’m just trying to improve your understanding of the story.
I am writing this in Microsoft Word, and then going over it, and finally copy pasting it to the site, and fixing what wouldn’t copy over. I am still trying to fix all of the typos, and grammatical errors.
I believe most of my writing problems are from my lack of knowledge. I am a new writer, and am only sixteen years old. I am sorry if you were led to believe otherwise. My mane goal is to get this story on the site, then see what I could do to better the plot, or the holes, or anything that seems too rushed or wrong.
I thank you for your help on pointing things out for me, but I am trying to get as many chapters up as fast as possible. I literally haven’t stopped using my free time elsewhere. I have plenty of free time now that it is summer vacation, and I am filled with ideas about all of these stories I want to write.
I once again thank you for your criticism for this story. Oh and if you don't enjoy the story, why keep reading. Its not like I'm asking you or anyone to do so.
2895607
Thanks for the thought
moar!
2896878
Alright, so he asked for more powers. You might want to actually write that in, because otherwise there's no way for the reader to know.
It's also a pretty flimsy excuse. You can literally have this guy do anything, and if someone brings it up how there's no way he can do it, you can just say "he asked for it off screen."
Also, you made it pretty clear that his real name was Chase. Except then it was Mist. It was clear that his made up name was Artemis (still wondering why he'd do that), but he's revealed his true name twice, and each time was different.
I'm not quite sure you understand the problem here. I couldn't care less how his mind altering powers work. I'm saying that my problem is if he abuses that power to not only cheat on someone he loves, but also mind rape her if she finds out, then he is clearly a complete monster who deserves nothing less than being banished to the moon. You don't just casually mention to someone you plan on cheating with that "It's cool, I can just wipe her memories if she finds out about us. There's no ethical problems with that, right?" You also shouldn't expect to ever have anyone show interest in you if you say that in front of them (in fact, it'd be more believable to have said character run straight to the princesses that the new guy is insane).
The premise to the story interested me, so I gave it a chance. Also, I can't exactly criticize something without reading it first. People who judge something without even bothering to look at it first are terrible. Doing it this way might lead to bad experiences with less than good fanfiction, but at least it's fair to the author (even though I'm criticizing you, aren't you at least happy that I bothered to read it? I could have easily just thrown in some generalized complaints without actually reading first, but that wouldn't be helping anyone).
Anyway, good luck with the rest of your story.
So with Granny Smith you made her reaction to Applebloom's bending the same as the stereotypical reaction southerner's have toward something they don't understand. That being either kill it or send it away. Then when she couldn't do that in her anger she took it out on an innocent because she was close to the one she wanted to harm. That mabey ooc for the canon version of Granny Smith but given the Apple Family in Ponyville is pretty much the stereotype farm family her reaction to a strange ability, even from a family member, does make sense.
Edit: Please note this is just my opinion if I am wrong kindly let me know. On another note this is a good story and please keep up the good work.
2898956
Please tell that to The Archive user. He didn't understand that bit of my story, but it seems he might just have a thick skull. His crticism is helpful though.
And you were spot on with your opinion.
2898867
I never said I was displeased with you critcising my story, it is actually quite helpful. I did get fustrated at what you said. I did however see what you were trying to do. I thank you for your help.
2901063 Thank you and he probably read what I typed and probably realized that though it was ooc for canon you were playing off the stereotype that the apple family represents.
2901326
You read my thoughts once more. I am half way through chapter twelve now, I hope I will have it up within the next few days.
2901073
I didn't imply that you didn't like my criticism. If that's what you got from my comment, then I apologize, but that's not what I wanted to imply.
In fact, I love that you find my criticism helpful. Like I said, the idea behind the story is an interesting one, and I could see it being a very good story.
2901063
Wait, just so I'm clear, are you saying Granny Smith's reaction makes perfect sense because it's a completely stereotype thing to do?
First, that's bad story telling if you're relying on stereotypes. It's also still OOC, because not only are the Apple family not stereotypes, but the stereotypes themselves are wrong. You can't expect anyone to buy that a family that loves each other like they do would be driven to murder over something like that. That just destroys the willing suspension of disbelief.
Also, I just so happen to be southern, and I can assure you that the average family does not start murdering each other over anything. If they do murder anyone, then they get treated like all murders do, as horrible monsters. The idea that you're saying the average southerner is a family murdering psycho is both incredibly insulting, and completely wrong.
2898956
The stereotypical southerner reaction to something unexpected is to kill it? Wow, I can't believe I didn't realize that considering I'm a southerner. Oh wait, that's because it's complete crap. The idea that the average southern family consists of psychotic murderers is just insane. It's also not at all how the Apple family would react.
Seriously people, you don't justify a character's actions with stereotypes. That's a bad trope to use in any situation, especially when used in a story.
2907449 Actually I didn't say all southeners. Heck I know 4 that actually laugh at the stereotypes used to describe southeners. Sorry if I caused offense. Though you have to realise this isn't canon so the characters don't have to act fully like they would in the show. For example during the times he's walked around Ponyville in human form, since I doubt everypony knows he's not going to kill and or eat them, there hasn't been a single instance of a pony running away in terror, and this is the town where everypony paniced over a stamped of bunnies, so seeing a creature roughly around the height of the princesses and they don't know its dietary habit, so not screaming and running away isn't canon for the ponies of Ponyville either.
2907449
I'm terribly sorry if I offended you. I try my best not to rely on stereotypes for I have had a bad past with them. This is the first time that I have actually used any sterotypes for any of my stories. I would usually have tried to create a reason for the character to act out, but I couldn't find a good enough reason, or excuse, so I went with something I knew was going to offend some, but be resonable, to a limit, to others.
I thought I took a necessary risk, but I guess it didn't turn out too well. I'll try to better these problems in the future.
2907613
See I like it when people know how stuff should work rather then keeping to the humor that Lauren put into the show, not that it's not good, just that it seemed to just not fit with my goals for this story. So yeah, I gave Equestria a big ol' slap of reality.
Don't look now, but it seems that Somepony believes in reincarnation
2907827
It is a story who cares