• Member Since 11th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 7th, 2022

Berry Punch

Yo yo yo, Berry to the P to the U to the N C H, representing the MLP, what up, biatch?!


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October 5th 1986

Entry#1: I'm not sure what's happening, I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I am going to record this in my journal, to report of any new... Changes.


Cary Lee, a young middle school aged boy with a unique... gift, ends himself up in Equestria while on the run from the authorities. The only things on his person are the clothes he is wearing, his backpack and a journal.

Inside the journal he records his experiences in this seemingly new land. Will he find allies to stick by him, will he be shunned by pony kind and will he fall to the darkness that is Nightmare Moon? His powers he worked so hard to keep hidden will aid him in this dark world.

This story is set before Nightmare Moon was imprisoned by the Elements of Harmony.

Small thanks to Octaviscratch for helping clear up some mistakes.
HUGE thanks to Super Kami Guru my editor, who clears up many stupid mistakes on my part ^^;;

A special thanks to my very good friend Mr101 for being my pre-reader and making the awesome cover art :)

This story is actually based off of this music video

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 163 )

...I know that music video.:pinkiehappy:
...some humans are dumb.:rainbowwild:
Regardless, this seems interesting.:pinkiesmile:
I shall read on.:fluttershysad:

2424326 Thank you very much!:pinkiehappy:

Cary is a real likeable and sweet kid it seems like to me, he has just been dealt a very hard hand in life I can sense. Also, these special powers he has can be good to him in a way, or it can become a curse. I feel for the kid just reading his journal entries. Also, I love the video "Titanium" that this was inspired by. Great job so far. :pinkiehappy:

2424341 Thank you! I really appreciate it:twilightsmile: I am just glad a few more people are taking the time to read it now :3

Ooh, I would love to get my hands on that Tanner Cairns and just shake him into reality! :flutterrage: :duck: Oh, gosh, you can't help but feel for Cary. Being bullied, hunted by the SWAT team, and having this curse of special powers that intensifies when he gets angry.

2424364 Aye Tanner Cairns is much like a bully from my last school, he never did anything to me, but I remember what he was like and what he did to other people :unsuresweetie: So I got my insperation from an actual bully, I just hope I hadwritten him well and it was believable enough. (Not that special powers or going to Equestria is believable, but y'know xD):pinkiehappy:

Oh, no. That doesn't sound good at all with the Lunar Guard sending a letter to Nightmare Moon of Cary's arrival. This is a lose lose situation for Cary. Because although he could use his powers when need be, Nightmare Moon could take notice and use him for her own needs. Ooh, this is getting good! :pinkiehappy:

2424425 Oooh you're goooood! :pinkiehappy:

will read right now

Looks pretty interesting, i can also see how you got inspierd by that Music video.

The only problem I've had so far with this story is how familiar the guard sounded when he wrote that letter,

"Dear Nightmare moon"
Instead of like
"Oh mighty and exalted empress of the night"
or something similar.
Then again maybe they're in or have been in a relationship. Idunno.

i'm willing to give this a chance

2424589 Honestly? I had no idea how to start of that letter. She is practically a tyrant and is feared, yet I was unsure how to start off the letter. But I don't want to write anything rediculously cheesey or something what sounded like he was 'kissing up' to her.

Ooo, its getting interesting :pinkiehappy:

HUGE thanks to Super Kami Guru my epic editor, if it wasn't for him this would be horrible to read >.<

Not really, your writing for the most part is pretty good, there was only a few tiny mistakes here and there. I'm guessing that you weren't drunk when you wrote these chapters, which is good. I'm sure that your story would have actually been fine without me, because honestly, your drafts had less errors than the chapters that Silver posts. ... No offense Silver, I know your English still isn't that great. Ummm... lastly: BURSTING INTO FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES!!!!!

2424735 Well, still you made it better :pinkiehappy: For that you have my gratitude:twilightsmile:

Well, I still have to admit, it is gratifying to see my name being honorably mentioned. Just shoot me the next chapter when ready. ... BURSTING INTO FLAAAAAAAAAAAMES!!!

2424848:pinkiehappy: May have to wait till next week T^T Got tons of studying and coursework to do during the week :fluttershysad:

Hmm, sounds interesting. Not sure if it's my kind of story though...

This story doesn't make sense!

"But, what fun is there in making sense? Hmmm?"


For some reason when i saw the map i thought of this song [youtube=clcHxg9l5Bk]

2426249 Funny... I'm playing Skyrim right now >.>

Well, first you had my curiosity and now you have my interest. I had a few minor issues, first and foremost amongst them was the casual acceptance of this guard, Miles. He observes a hitherto unknown creature crash down to their planet in a mysterious orb of glowing light and he just accepts it and gives it a bed to sleep in at the barracks. Not the greatest action for a guard, surely he should have been much more cautious than that, especially in the time of Nightmare Moon. Also, no Zebrican nation, unless that was the pony colony or was absorbed into Equestria. Speaking of Equestria, if the map was referring to the nation ruled by both Celestia and Luna it would be a Diarchy rather than a Monarchy. If it was referring to the Equestria under the rule of Nightmare Moon then it would have been an Empire. Still, very minor problems in an otherwise good story. Please, continue in this fashion and I shall remain enraptured.

2426263 :pinkiesmile: I apologies for that guard issue, I don't want to change it now, but I will take your words into account! Oh, he thought the light crashing down to the earth was a shooting star at the time, he is still unaware that it was Cary lol As for the rest of the guards, they will not be so laid back as Miles was. Long story short, shit will happen

I get it, He's named after the pyromaniac Cary from Super8 and his actor IRL Ryan Lee.

2426990 OMG THANK YOU!! The first person to figure that out:pinkiehappy:

2427021 It helps that he was my favorite character in that movie.

I'm sensing serious Chronicle vibes here. I approve.

Of course Cary is a real name. Why else would this this marvelous man have that name?

Now to read this story...

If I was Cary, after Tanner caught up, I would either have found something to throw at him and use my powers to give it a push, or in that one opportunity to put a punch on Tanner that Cary had add a push to the fist. In either case, not enough of a push to be blatantly obvious, but enough for him to understand that Tanner underestimated Cary, and that if he knew what was good for him he wouldn't try bullying him again. Bullies go after weaker people, so either don't give them a chance to bully you, or make them understand that, although you're weaker than them, you have a punch to take their lights out, and they are COMPLETELY outmatched. If you look, bullies will (almost) never go after someone who can kick their ass in a fight.

Of course the Griffins/Gryphons would stand a chance against the night guard! The night guard may be comprised of well trained, fire resistant (I'm not sure at the moment why you mentioned this. I assume that someone is going to try and light a night guard on fire at some point), warrior ponies, but they are still ponies. Ponies are herd animals, so they stay in groups more often then not, and they flee when trouble arises. Those things may be trained out of them, but you can't fully remove those things, because they have been driven into ponies instincts so deep over the thousands of years that ponies have been around that it is drilled into the subconscious. It may not be strong enough to do much, but it will affect them, even if it is only a little bit, but it would be enough. Plus, ponies are herbavores. It is not in their nature to spill blood. Griffins/Gryphons on the other hand are made up of two different animals, both of which are trained hunters and carnivores. They eat meat, and have done so for as long as their species have been alive. In other words...

Griffins/Gryphons are predators, ponies are pray. Even if griffins/gryphons do not eat ponies (anymore), it is in their genetic code for the prey to fear the predators. Fear is a major weakness, and fear, like love and hatred, can make ANY living being make stupid mistakes. Yes, I did just put my ranting in your comments.

Great story so far, I shall follow it to see where it is going.

I like this story, don't get me wrong, but the writing isn't really all that friendly. I had two main problems here.
Starting at the beginning of this chapter:

"Yo, teeth!" the boy called as he pushed through the crowd of students to get to Cary. Cary Lee was a fourteen year old middle-schooler of Aitkin Minnesota, he attended the local school and lived at home with his dad and two brothers Bradley and Aaron. Cary had always been quiet and detached from most people and those who were close to him barely saw him except for during school hours.

The bolded text is what I've come to know as an infodump. It's generally a bad way to get information about characters across the readers because of how dull and jarring it can be to go through. Try a more natural approach by dripfeeding the information to the reader in the form of in character comments to avoid the dullness and keep the flow of the story.

My second gripe is in the pacing; It's way too fast. One paragraph he's running out of the school, the next he is approaching his house on a bike, and in only a few more he's been running through a forest for hours and is being attacked by a SWAT team. The speed at which time is going in the story doesn't play well with the actual time it takes for the story to switch between these scenes. It feels like the story has been stuck on fast forward.
To remedy this, you could spend a bit more time on descriptions of scenes to slow things down a bit and use some time jumps to have a little smoother transition between scenes. eg:

Cary left a few items floating as a distraction for the police, to at least buy himself a little more time before they caught up. He ran through the forest, over fallen trees, weaving through large branches. At least it would be harder for them to get him in here, he thought to himself as he trudged through the brush.

(Horizontal rule or other symbol to indicate scene change goes here)

Cary had trekked through the dense forest for hours trying to get away from the authorities, but he could always hear them not far behind him. It was getting dark and the police had left the job of tracking Cary down with the SWAT teams. Cary could hear them not far behind, in fact he was beginning to see their flashlights.

I've enjoyed it so far, but would love to see you improve.

This is a good story by itself doesn't even need ponies although it seems like it had the same idea that the movie chronicle was based off as (like same idea different story line)

He he he i remember that video: it was made at my school !
Hate the artist though, and great story


I shall continue with my reading of this, but I like where it's headed.

While I do find that this story will go places, that much is assured, I find that it doesn't relate to my interests in particular. I gave it a shot, and I'll shoot it a like, but no fav for me. Good luck with it!

Looks interesting.
Is "prologue" misspelled intentionally, or...?


2427907 Yes, but kid was able to lift car wreck with his mind. In anger, pushing someone with his power would end up with breaking all ribs of bully and literally impaling his lungs on his own bones. Cary don't look like kid who want to hurt or kill people.

If only because I always wondered about the music video, I will give this a chance. I suck at symbolism, so it'll be nice to give it a story to go with it. XD

... Alright, yeah, I'm reading this. It's fairly well-written, a few grammatical errors, but those can be passed off as realism for the character.

... Hate to say it, but Super Kami Guru wasn't so super editing this chapter. There's tense swapping, site instead of sight, and quite a few other errors. I mean, it's readable, don't get me wrong, but there's still quite a few errors in it.

One thing I noticed:

Cary looked around with panicked eyes and saw the silhouettes of police surrounding the house, he ran for the back door, only to find it locked.

He looked around the room and saw the keys on the counter, quickly he reached out and pulled them through the air towards him and he unlocked the door.

This seems to indicate that the door was locked from the inside. Not impossible, mind you, but just an oddity in modern construction. Though the idea of a door locked to keep things in can be intriguing depending on context. :trixieshiftright:

Can't read and reply to all comments, I have no access to a computer for abou a week and for good reason, I must study for my exams!!!

2430651 I just followed the video on that part .-. The doors locked and he grabs the keys to unlock it to make an escape. Don't you lock your doors when you're not around? I wouldn't keep a back door to my house unlocked if I was on the other side of the house lol Maybe that's just me :P

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