• Member Since 19th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 25th, 2021

Hunter96


Im a guy who writes stories and has questionable Speeling skills. FEAR MY BATH I MEAN WRATH

T
Source

(Undergoing rewrites and edits expect chapters to be down for a while)

"Equestrians have everything. Water, food, love and land. They do not share and they do not accept no as an answer." What will they do when they get the biggest ''No'' they've seen in centuries from a human and his allies?


I take no credit for the cover and any Mlp characters those are owned by hasbro.(they sure are)

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 202 )

:rainbowderp:Wow. You sir have just made a bold move.

:pinkiesmile:Please continue.

This peaks my interest good sir/madam

Continue good author, for glory.

He has made a bold move cotton. lets see if it plays of... this Move of his....


ok ill bite. is that german i spy?


~Nightmare Daniell61 Demon King of the Shadows

Nice. I like it. ANOTHER!*smashes laptop on ground*

Killing shining armor is always a good move in my book, go on....

Story is alright so far. Now you just need an editor.

3913278 NOPE it's google translate try to figure it out

Its Czech, he says "Stay Back". Google translated it like a pro.
Anyway, I'm following this I guess. No offense to you, but it seems to be moving a smidge fast, I mean, he could have had slightly more than a "wake up, get hit by a bus" prolouge. Still, other than a few small grammar errors, I thought it was well written.
I think, with the shooting of Shining Armour, it was a good reaction. Something believable. However, I don't feel his waking up surrounded by ponies and just saying "Hello" then not freaking out. I got the feeling he was unnerved more than anything, but that seemed about how lifeless Canterlot was.
I do however like your introduction of Nightmare Moon. Seems a bit early into the story, but the fact your introducing her as something of a companion to the human is something I like.
Here are a few grammar errors;
"a ex girlfriend"
Should be "An"
"Shit im going to be late for work!"
I'm
" a 20 ton bus slammed int"
Should be "into" also, unless dealing with large numbers (However I'm unsure if using it to describe weight affects it) numbers should be in word form (e.g. twenty ton bus instead of 20 ton bus, this isn't something to get caught up in though)
"ones took hold. at the odd realization."
Shouldn't be two full stops, just the one.
"past the line of guards. purple armor gleaming is the sun"
Once again, accidental full stop instead of comma.
"of princess Twilight sparkles"
Sparkle, also, in use of honourifics (Mr President, the Queen" capital letters. Princess Twilight Sparkles.
"he hit the water at maxim velocity"
Maximum velocity.
Also, I suspect you meant his name to be Foxtrot, without a space, however I may be incorrect as either one if applicable.
You have some issues with commas, beyond that of accidentally clicking full stop instead. There have been several sentences where a comma would be more appropriate but you ended the sentence. Just something you can work on.
I'm interested in this story, I'm just wondering if you have an update schedule (Do you have the story complete/in progress with reserve chapters) or just updating as you finish writing a chapter?

3917436 Wow thanks I'll try to slow things down a bit but I don't want to put in to much filler. The next chapter will go fast at first but slow down at the end. Thanks for the info and good job on the translation. Just edited the chapter added a little bit of stuff here and there.

"Take out your sword" Yelled Night.

"You going to need more than a sword, here take this." hands him a mini-gun.

Very interesting. Just out of curiosity, you Czech?

"Where am I" said the scared man
Needs a question mark "Where am I?"
" BABY JEUS TAP"
Should be Jesus
"he needed to access the situation."
Assess the situation
" Said twilight calmly."
Capitalize Twilight
"Luna injured? said twilight concerned."
Same issue as above

"To Princess Twilight Sparkle

Your brother Shinning armor has passed away as of 4:50 this day. He was murdered by a creature he was chasing with the rest of the guard. His death is very tragic and we wish you well in this time of grief.

With our greatest respect

Cantorlot royal guard "
No offense here, but this seemed sort of short for a letter speaking of a guard Captains death. I would recommend re-writing this into something slightly different and not so emotionless, but it's your story.
"There was His shoes,"
You don't need to capitalize "His".
For this section, show don't tell could be used instead of listing out everything he had.
"3 cans of GREAT AID soda"
Three should be in word form unless dealing with high numbers (e.g. 1,786,394)
" a aluminum water bottle,"
An aluminum
" and his phone and lastly the sword and leg cuffs from "
There should only be one "and" in here. The rest would require commas
"Alex agusted"
Adjusted
"Ruby wings landed"
Wings needs to be capitalized as its part of her name
"she asked hopping"
Hoping. Hopping is jumping, only one "P" in hoping.
"except for the occasionally rock"
Occasional
"smiling picture of shining armor"
Shining Armour. Names get capitals, pony names get capitals in both areas (Ruby Wings, Fox Trot as opposed to Cheese sandwich or Blinkie pie)
" Every pony hoped"
Everypony should be one word, everyone vs everypony
"was headed now:"
Headed now;
"queen in a shrill vice "
Voice
"We'll spit it out"
Should be "Well" we'll refers to people as in "We"
"I did Alex, I'm in your head, I'm part of you now.
You forgot the hyphen at the end of that sentence (")
"DO AND GET DONE!"
This could be interpreted several ways. Get down, or get stuffdone.
Okay, other than everything I pointed out, I know I missed capitalizing one of Ruby Wings misspellings (Ruby wings to Ruby Wing) you still need to work on putting in commas. I could point out the areas where they should/could be but that would take a while.
I feel that the conversation between Alex and Nightmare Moon was a bit rushed and I'd recommend revising it. I would freak out if one of my eyes changed colour. This might just be me, but I viewed Queen Chrysalis as being arrogant and a bit two dimensional from what we've seen. Her characters opening appearance could use some work here.
I got the translations here if anyone's wondering;
Zde leží kurva tvář
Here lies the fucking face.
I'm unsure about what you were calling the sword "Lexi" is just English? Hmm.
I liked this chapter however, it was mostly focused on Alex's escape from the ponies and it could use some work, but its a necessary evil.

Comment posted by Hunter96 deleted Mar 18th, 2014

3919513 Thanks a ton oh and why he wrote "Lexi" will be revealed next chapter also I based the letter of the Vietnam war era letters where they informed you your loved one was dead. Sorry about the commas never been good with them. Well thanks editing it now.

This Fox Trot character is not very bright.

3923435

Dr. Hax: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKS!

Me: Ugh. . . *gets hit by a flying computer to the face*

3926107

Dr. Hax: *ban hammer* HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKS!

Me: *Banned for one week*

Trigger happy human in equestria:pinkiehappy: yay:yay:

Comment posted by RapTions deleted Mar 10th, 2014

im not sure how to feel about this....

4063522 feel however you want I won't judge

here lies the bitching body? fucking maybe? also tvar is quite close to beast and creature, so maybe here lies the this fucking beast?

this story kinda sucks. one moment he's a regular guy, next one he unprovokedly killed a pony. and pledged to evil queen. and killed more ponies. and started drinking and killing.
this story feels like a cardboard cutout - flat and tasteless. no motivation whatsoever. at least it's not selfinsert, right?

4066194 Why he's acting the way he is will all be explained next chapter. Thanks for the input ill make sure to improve and edit. Sorry if the story doesn't meet your standards.

Sincerely
-Hunter96

Sooo he has an eye patch? Also what's with the desert, I don't remembering seeing a desert on the equestrian map. The only desert that would be in Equestria would have to be the San Palomino Desert, about miles South-West from Canterlot.

Well Alex is an idiot, why the hell would you be wasting precious bullets when you only have 12 extra shots with 5 already in the chambers? Also, your damn editor sucks.

4082494

1. Never mentioned an eye patch. His eye changed color.

2. It's my version of Equestria, you know the one I came up with when I realized the cannon one dose not work for me.

3. Don't talk rudely about my editor he helps me a lot and deals with the shit I give him.

4. Thank you for your option I will use what you have said and consider it in the chapters to come.

have a good day

-hunter96

Hey 81 likes 18 dislikes

3917524 You don't honestly think that what he said was all of the errors, do you? There are more. I think it would do you best if you find an editor, lickety-split, or else you're going to be facing a cuntload of downvotes. (Of which I'll bet that 15 of the 18 are related to.)

4099572 I have one the editing was not well done till the latest chapters due to him and I not working tougher. But yeah....I have one I shall do more editing once I get more written and have more time to edit.

4099572 p.s you don't want to see the original chapter two.:twilightblush: you just dont:rainbowderp:

4099521 no I'm not that stupid. I just found it a good place to start and get back to with more time. P.s I rather enjoy those 18 dislikes there just another brick wall in life. And brick walls were meant to be climbed and over come.

Erm,Is he at 12 bullets,Or 13-15?

4102738 He had 6 in the chamber, 6 extra loose. He wasted about 6 of them.

It's good to know that our human here has a caring heart.

When he wrote, 'Why' into the train, how did they know what it said when he wrote and talked in a different language, did it have to do with Night's help?

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