For centuries, the Crystal Mountains has been a natural frontier for the northern border of Equestria, protecting the pony kind from the world beyond it. A world completly unknown.
Long ago, something from that world came to Equestria. Groups of a strange race of apes landed in the coast with their ships to loot and kill everything at their sight. For decades the pony kind suffered the attacks of these tall monsters full of rage and searchers of glory, they were known as......humans.
But one day they stopped coming, and during centuries ponies took their stories as myth, as something that ever existed or really happened.
Until a princess of the sun finds a crib with something inside....
Chapters (9)
It’s a good start.
Just some suggestions however:
1. Please don’t put all your text in bold.
2. Most of your speech doesn’t start with a capital letter and they often don’t end with correct punctuation:
Should be:
If speech is followed by a word like ‘said’ then it has a comma, question mark or explanation mark between the last word of the speech and the quotation mark. They only start without capital letters if the speech is not a new sentence or continuing on from previous speech.
3. Saying it’s your first fiction at the start of the description is bound to put people off reading.
4. Vikings didn’t wear horns on their helmets.
Good luck, and have a Pinkie
I'm not quite sure what this is supposed to be... did you mean it is a circular amulet with the symbol of ''Odin's horn'', a ''Triskele'' or a simple spiral with three separate lines chasing each other on it?
PS: OH MAH GAAAAAWWWWWHHHHDDDD.... MOSES WAS A VIKING/CELT/GAUL sent to Equestria?
2052939 thanks for the suggestions, i fixed all the mistakes so i think it looks better now.
2057393 it's a Triskele, i'm sorry if it wasn't very clear but English isn't my first language and i didn't know how to describe it exactly.
aww cool
keep it up
Hmm....some type of equestrian variant of a human horse.....sounds legit.....
2178075 this is the internet every thing is ligit and truthful
2178667
True that, true that.....
Wow, been awhile since I saw this updated but atleast the plot goes further enough to satisfy..."Chryssy"(lol)
. i look fowrd to the next chapter
and
Hmm, makes me wonder if there's some "arrangement" involving "Chrissy"(lol you used that) and Heynriik's relationship in the future...maybe its not that obvious....>.>
2336362 Not exactly, i don't want to make this story so simple, in fact, if this fiction gets more views and people that likes it, i plain making it go further.
You need to get a beta reader, or an editor. There are a lot of grammar mistakes that makes reading this a bit annoying.
2428402
1 After making 6 chapters and having pass 3 months since i started writting it, i think it's to late to have a editor.
2. This chapter was more like an introduction than anything, and when i make it, i knew that it wasn't to be perfect.
3. I'm Spanish, English isn't my frist language and it doesn't matter how many years i've been studying, anyone from USA or UK will be better doing a fiction in English than me.
4.I always, ALWAYS take a look on my chapters and revise them like 3 or 4 times after finish them, because i try to make them the best possible way.
good job sure the grammar has room to improve but for English being a second language to you yo do a great job and also very good story, and i will never view Chrysalis in the same light again. and good luck with this story and please do not let others convince you to change the plot it looks promising. Not to mention that there are not many HIE's that have the protagonist raised in Equestria
8/10 over all
2338527 i like the idea i have never read a fic with a OC Human X Chrysalis shipping before sounds interesting
ALL HANDS ON DECK WERE ENTERING A MAJOR SHITSTORM!
2433099 Wow you are very kind saying that, Thanks!
I'm really glad that you and others are enjoying the story even with my grammar errors.
2473884 Then grab some toilet paper, you'll need it.
2476605 not to mention i would be a hypocrite if i bashed you on language and grammar because im from America and speak English, and my grammar is S**T and my spelling is nothing to brag about either LOL
Again good luck and may you do good at defeating The EVIL WRITERS BLOCK like i am working on
Pretty good overall story. Just gotta make sure you don't paint humanity as a horrid barbarian monster race that eat babies. But as you probably know, grammar is killing you. I know It's not your native tongue, but we english readers are a fickle people.
With spiteful love,
Zong the Nefarious.
2552058 Don't worry, i won't show humans being barbaric or like heartless people, at least not in THAT way.
About the grammar, i already say it before, i know that is not perfect, but if you enjoy the plot and you understand what i says, then i think is not that bad, anyway, i'll still try to improve the grammar.
PD: eating babies? i wasn't think in that exactly.......or i was?
2552108 please I want a new chapter and because of this delay i will have to read your story over again no complaints here
2771467 Sorry but i've been busy because these last weeks i had final exams, but the 8º chapter is 30% more or less made and i start holiday in the next week, so i'll finish it soon
Need to to find yourself a editor. Make sure you post the sequel here when your done.
can't wait for the sequel I like how you ended on a cliff hangar good job
Lovely
here's a herp a deep!
2429685
one grammar mistake you derped on(dont worry i make this mistake to sometimes)
Very really fast.
Very fast or really fast not very really. that makes no sense :P but keep up the good work. me like story.
Most epic conclusion ever!!
But there is one they fear...
The human names implies Warhammer Fantasy Battle's Empire of Man. So, that would make the humans that had pillaged Equestria in the past the Chaos followers in the North.
3799414 What?
this story is not related with the Warhammer series or else there would be a crossover tag....
Does he wear that necklace Celestia found with him or did she put it somewhere for when he ready to do what the letter said. Also wasn't there a second letter? or was it written in English or something?
3881534 He doesn't know nothing about the necklace nor the letter yet. And there's only one letter, the other paper is a map.
3884712 Okay, thanks for telling me, I ended up reading the rest soon after posting that and then remembered about the map about 2 Chapters after posting it.
In their tounges. It is dovakin the dragonborn.
3949720
3525104 I want to make it clear all at once, this fic has NOTHING to do or be related with Skyrim......
.....maybe based, but ONLY A LITTLE BASED, okay mates?!
DOVAHKIN?
its a good story, but the grammar has a lot of room to improve.
hmmmm i loved this story the spelling was sent to good but that doesn't matter i really dont know what to say witch is saying something usually i can't shut up but i can't wait to read the sequel.......i wonder how hes going to react to hear chrysalis invaded Canterlot ( if thats canon in this story )
100% bishop approved
stay classy
aww the feels
The story is good and your vocabulary is great, but I found a lot of grammar mistakes and spelling errors. Why may I ask?
“Her highness is on the meeting hall, sir Heynriik, but you shouldn’t molest her because she is in an important meeting and she gave orders of don’t being disturbed until the meeting ends” One of the guards replied serious.
💀💀💀
11416071
That one didn't age quite so well...