• Member Since 8th Dec, 2016
  • offline last seen July 6th

Wahtiff


Creativity knows no bounds for me, which is why my MLP Wahtiff scenarios do not stick with either a single headcanon, romantic shipping, source of influence from other authors, or even added canon.

T
Source

When Twilight Velvet suffers a heart attack and passes away, Twilight feels nothing but guilt at the thought of their last conversation, and the last thing she said to her mother, being the cause of it. Things only get more complicated when her father, Night Light, reveals to her and Shining Armor a secret that he and Velvet had been keeping from them about Twilight's own past. Twilight then visits her former mentor, Princess Celestia, to have her help in finding some answers. Meanwhile, it seems that Celestia is hiding something...

This is my first real attempt at an MLP fanfic, and of course, what better first fic than Momlestia? This is mainly based off of In the Sun's Shadow, a fic by Polaris501, Golden Secrets by Backlash91, and Grasping Happiness by NeonEclipse. Being my first fic, some constructive criticism would be nice, but please note that I might end up not making any major corrections.

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 124 )

I really loved this story. How you just put it together. I can't say something els in that.

I very much am enjoying this. But, I think you mean the Want it Need it spell. Mare do well was a whole nother thing!

:applecry: OK, that last page made me really cry! So beautiful

>>Foals Errand whoops. My bad. Thanks for the correction. I thought I had gotten it backwards when I noticed more fics involving Mare Do Well.

7797470 Trust me, Backlash, the idea seemed to pop in my head when I finished reading your fic. Thanks a lot for that story, by the way.

7797146

yeah man there was no "mare-do-well spell". Mare-do-well was a persona five of the Mane 6 used to teach Rainbow Dash a lesson about humility.

That was very good, a fine story and you now have an excellent starting point if you wish to continue with more stories. :yay:

I started reading this chapter, and then when I got to the poem I was like "huh, this sounds oddly familiarHEYWAITASECOND!"

XD you sly dog you.

regardless of borrowed pieces, it fits very nicely. thankyou for giving me credit, to be honest I feel like I need to RE-WRITE Golden secrets.

Typo:
chapter#1

While Big Mac was an exception for awhile,

chapter#2

After awhile, Shining and Cadence joined in,

After while, though, Twilight once again broke the silence, “Tell me.”

a while

Note that awhile = for a while
so "for awhile" is like: "for for a while"
To quickly check whether it should be "a while" (more than 95% of a time) or "awhile" use in its place in a sentence "a day" "some time" "a little/short while" etc.

Pinkie had a bit in Dash’s mouth and reins in her hands.

:pinkiecrazy:

7797615 I can't help that you went and released all the chapters in one go. If you want more comments and constructive feedback, release the chapters one at a time, on a regular basis. This will slowly but surely draw in more readers who will leave a comment stating your strong points and offer constructive criticism.

Now im dying to know who her father is...

Since im assuming Tia is her mother :pinkiecrazy:

7797772 I can't promise any future stories will be as good as this one is, but you're right.

7797847 Man, I spent four to five MONTHS on this whole thing and I STILL missed those mistakes? Thanks for pointing it out?

Loved it up tell flash but other wise good job

Celestia’s POV

That's one thing you shouldn't do. Flat-out stating a scene change like that is jarring and pulls the reader out of immersion. You've already set up the scene so that we know it's from Celestia's point of view, so it's unnecessary anyway. .

I was a little unsure at the start, the POV bit was a tad off putting, but this story has just gotten better and better to the point that I have been reading for 3, 3 1/2 hours? Could not stop till I had finished, a magnificent piece of writing!

7799301

You've made the featured box, which means you've done well enough that you've caught quite a few eyes. Same thing happened to me, and I don't mind saying I felt a glow for the next day or so.

Do you want to try for a second, or will that do it for you? There are some authors here who pretty much automatically reach the featured box whenever the write something.

Wouldn't it be neat if you were one of them?

Not bad so far.

A persimmon is a fruit. Possibly you meant penstemon? https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Penstemon_newberryi_2.jpg

I just realized something that would be cool. I haven't finished this yet, so I don't know what happens in this story, but how cool would it be to have a Momlestia story where Twilight finds out Celestia is her mom on her own? Every Momlestia fic I've read follows somewhere along the lines of:
-Twilight finds out she was adopted
-Twilight freaks out for a bit
-At some point in time, Celestia steps forward and says it was her
-Twilight freaks out for a bit
-They make up and have a happy ending
BUT! What if Celestia never knew that Twilight was searching for her birth mother and never just resolves it by fessing up? Twilight would go on a cool--almost like a mystery novel--journey, digging up clues and following breadcrumbs until she actually finds her real mother. We could even throw in a few red herrings in there, leading Twilight and the audience to think that it might be someone else or something, until BAM! It turns out to be Celestia.

Whoa. Thanks for the idea. Looks like I've got a story to write. :pinkiehappy:

7797645 Yeah confused the heck out of me for a minute trying to think back and wonder if it meant the want it need it spell or the time travel spell.

Huh, interesting that someone who isn't a fan of the show would choose to write a fic with it.

Also now that I see you've already responded to the Mare do well thing I'd say that the want it need it spell incident wasn't really comparable to the changing invasion incident.

Since you haven't seen the episodes Twilight was kind of out of line in Lesson Zero (with the want it need it spell) Celestia just descended from the heavens to scold her with that disappointed look for brainwashing the entire town into a riot.

During the Canterlot Wedding though, Celestia was at fault so that was right.

7800353 with the want it need it spell I was just listing a point in Twilight's life where she had a negative interaction with Celestia, not necessarily who was at fault for it.

7800091 It sure sounds like it. I'd definitely read that story.

7799440 I will definitely try to post more fics out here in the future but I doubt anything I write will be able to top this one given how good it seems to have been overall (which is still a surprise to me). I will say one thing, though, if I write another romance fic I think I'll try a different pairing and see how that goes.

7800402 Ah I thought you were going for moments Celestia failed her as a teacher and, unknown to Twilight at the time, mother.

Nope, Shining isn't ooc here. He's a protective big brother who is eeping his eyes on Flash and deciding if he meets certain minimum standards. He clearly was aware of Flash's interest in Twilight, and seems to support her choice.

Pity the fool that gets this far in the relationship and then hurts Twilight. Banished, locked in a dungeon, and being locked in a dungeon in the place that they are banished to, while exploding then exploding again will seem like a day at the beach compared to the fate they will suffer...

...on the MOON! :trollestia:

:trollestia:Join me, and together we will rule this land as mother and daughter!

I kind of want to actually here Celestia sing that song now. :trollestia:

7800304 When I saw your profile pic all I thought was: This is what happens when Flash does something that Twilight doesn't like. :twilightoops::trollestia:

Very well done. While I was able to figure out Celestia's first secret very early on, the other secret she had just made my brain hurt. Just like poor old Mr. Gumby. BTW: Skip to 1:25 if you want to hear what Mr. Gumby says.

Really interesting story.

I'm a big fan of Fics where Celestia is more like a mother to twilight.
The things tha seemed a bit off are easily explained by you not watching the show, for that you've done a really good job :)

Somehow I hoped that it would turn out that mirror Sombra is her dad, but your version worked out fine too. :)

Looking forward to the possible sequel.

"No Twilight. I... am your Mother. "
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
"Join me, and together we will rule this land as mother and daughter!"

marvelous great job!! You got a lot of the characterizations down pat for some one who is not a brony, then again did admit to reading a lot of fanfics, but still bravo

Kinda funny like lots of people for some reason assume that Luna controls stars and "paint" constellation when canon never suggested that she control anything beside Moon.
I'm pretty sure that this idea grow from the fact that "stars" helped Nightmare Moon escape her Moon imprisonment.

Race: Alicorn (Wing-Dormant)

And that pretty much cheapen Twilight achievements. It's not her hard work and friendship achieved ascend her to Princess status. She just born that way.

Why didn't the doctor tell them she was having heart problems?

I hope that Polaris does ruin that story like he did for Heir to Nightmare.

Yeah, after that big reveal happened I was like "aw, shoot!"

7797831 Don't rewrite it make a sequel to it you left off at such a great place to have one

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