• Member Since 10th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

SPkon107


Male from Paramount CaClass of 2012 Paramount High School Garduate

T
Source

It has been over 3000 years since the last human on Equis was seen. Celesita and her parents were force to wipeout humanity due to their civil war that has consumed the land that is now known as the Lost World. The war has affected the entire planet. Only Celestia and her parents know about the humans and the white Alicorn still fears of humanity returning somehow.
The year is 2040 on Earth and Humanity had achieved the first slip space drive. The ship known as the Arch Angel is the first spaceship to use the Slip-space drive. The destination was to travel to the Lumas Sol system. But something with the coordinates changed when the ship tried to avoid an asteroid field one hit the ship before the crew went into cryo the ship followed the destination information. The planet Equis is having problems with the Griffin Kingdom and the threat of war is used. Gunnery-Sergeant Steven Clearwater is sent to explore the planet. He has 70 day to explore the land until the ship lands on the planet. But how will Celestia react when she finds out that a human has set foot on the planet once again. (need better cover art any ideas or links plase and thank you)

Chapters (14)
Comments ( 241 )

I think my brain is leaking out of my ears just after reading the timeline. This is clearly the top knock work of a 14-year old who played Halo and took a few random notion without thinking it through. Besides the ridiculous FTL in 30 years, we have the "Separatists". What exactly were they trying to separate from? From what I read they appear out of thin air, conquer a bunch of stuff and get destroyed. We add to this the "veteran soldier" in Equestria syndrome which along the snarky teenager make the majority of HIE stories. Unless it's a veteran teenage soldier in which case the emo reaches critical levels . I recommend you stop writing right now before you continue to embarrass yourself and try again in 4 years.

This has potential, but it needs to be edited in a few places, and fix the title. I'll track this and see if it turns out any good. :raritywink:

1616125
It won't. Even the title is misspelled.

I'll just stand here with my train whistle at hand and see how this turns out.

Why would they commit genocide on Humans? Couldn't they like bring us to our knees and show mercy to the last refuge of Humanity, and allow them to repopulate all the awhile teaching them the true meaning of love and friendship in order to make Humans a more peaceful race?

Or did Humans invade or something, then it wouldn't be genocide.

I think I'll start reading this at some point, but regardless I wanted to rant a little.

Pulse weapons, do you mean like Metal Storm, uses an electrical charge ?

This fanfic needs an editor like a baby needs his mom's tit :trixieshiftright:
1615757 Um, dude, you're starting to concern me a bit :fluttershysad:
..........................
on second thought, let's be psychopaths together :pinkiecrazy:

This story in a nutshell
Shit happens
To space
You there random veteran go to this unknown, uncharted planet alone because fuck logic and fuck you
"oh my gawd, a magical talking pony"
"oh my celestia a non-magical talking monkey thing, with weapons, I know I'll take him to the princesses"
To canterlot
Shit happens with possible explosions
Pissy princesses
Suddenly every ones happy
[insert Shitty storyline goes here]
happy ending with many things unexplained, main character stays for no real reason
Dissapointed readers everywhere

This story in a nutshell
Shit happens
To space
You there random veteran go to this unknown, uncharted planet alone because fuck logic and fuck you
"oh my gawd, a magical talking pony"
"oh my celestia a non-magical talking monkey thing, with weapons, I know I'll take him to the princesses"
To canterlot
Shit happens with possible explosions
Pissy princesses
Suddenly every ones happy
[insert Shitty storyline here]
happy ending with many things unexplained, main character stays for no real reason
Dissapointed readers everywhere

Fucking editing posting it twice

I probably put more thought into my last post then the author did in this entire story

i just got back from school and this was unexpected. i already have 16 comment and i see that you are asking for an editor. and i do need an editor. i need editor please and thank you.

That was awesome. He handled the situation well :D

I can be an editor if you need one :twilightsmile:

“Ok Princess Celestia is the princess of the night and Princess Luna is the princess of the night."

Celestia is the princess of the sun, not night.

The intro read like a badly translated, hokey Japanese game from the 1980's... now with ponies!

And so, I instantly thought of this:

Yeah what he said. At the very least find an editor...1615841

It's a good idea, however, the dialogue is just... cheesy, and some lines don't even make sense.

My prediction in the former chapter's comments have so far come true

1617374
sorry wasn't using my computer for this chapter but thank you for the heads up. i really need an editor

ok now im confusd on who's talking...

I like this story but i think you could go a little deeper in to charactor.

meh

well... few things.

twilight took the alien thing way too well, and it seems like that part was rushed bigtime.
the fact that she didn't over react at all dosn't really go well with her personality (seriously this is twilight where talking about).

and lastly, she just met a unknown species of unknown origin with unknown weapons and unknown intentions/purpose for being on the planet and automatically asks him for help on a highly political matter.
... and he accepts without even asking his superior officers/the captain
good idea but please... please! think stuff out and try not to rush through the plot

meh

badly needs to be given a once over

“There know all
we have to do it wait.”

really?.......

“Yeah but I still think this human isn't a threat.” I said.

what?

ok just a question... don't have to answer this if you don't want to but... how old are you?

161790
the soldiers superiors are in Cyrogenic sleep but i understand what you mean

It has been over 3000 years since the last human on Equis was seen. Celesita and her parents were force to wipeout humanity due to their civil war that has consumed the land that is now known as the Lost World. The war has affected the entire planet. Only Celestia and her parents know about the humans and the white Alicorn still fears of humanity returning somehow.
The year is 2040 on Earth and Humanity had achieved the first slip space drive. The ship known as the Arch Angel is the first spaceship to use the Slip-space drive. The destination was to travel to the Lumas Sol system. But something with the coordinates changed when the ship tried to avoid an asteroid field one hit the ship before the crew went into cryo the ship followed the destination information. The planet Equis is having problems with the Griffin Kingdom and the threat of war is used. Gunnery-Sergeant Steven Clearwater is sent to explore the planet. He has 70 day to explore the land until the ship lands on the planet. But how will Celestia react when she finds out that a human has set foot on the planet once again. (need better cover art any ideas or links plase and thank you)

That is enough reason for me not to read the story.

The description is plagued with errors and seems to use many elements already overly abundant in these kinds of stories, and judging by the comments it only gets worse.

Are you bringing anything new in to niche?

I like the tone of this story all the way to the point of reaching Equestria. After that, the tone was somehow different, It was lighter, less serious. I haven't played Halo, so I don't really know how much of this was copied, and how much is original. It could also use a little bit of editing, there are consistently words spelled incorrectly. The speech flow could be improved upon, but other than the inconsistencies and misspelled word, I really did enjoy the beginning, but the end part was different enough for me to not enjoy it as much.

Also, try to keep characters "in-character". Make Twilight Sparkle just like the one from the show, just a tip. I just admire stories better that way.

1618117
it's cool
btw thank you for commenting

This story seems to be very interesting, and I hope you can write more soon, but you might want to correct a few grammar errors... I had to read twice some sentences so that ai could understand them, but, in overall I hope you keep up the good work :ajsmug: :coolphoto: :derpytongue2: :yay: :pinkiehappy: :rainbowdetermined2: :raritystarry: :twilightsmile: :heart:

1618355
dont worry i think i have an editor now and i will post more.

This was a great idea. It has a great story and great character set up. But reading it was akin to running my face over sand-paper drenched in lemon juice. Please for the love of all holy creatures, USE SPELL CHECK! You are in dire need of a editor, and you need to research character profiles (a lot of ponies are very out of character in this story). Try and have a partner run through the next chapter with you.

This story has a lot of potential, but just seems kinda choppy.

Bro... c'mon man, if you're looking for an editor, ask around. Hell I basically off edited your last story entirely by giving you advice and hints. :twilightsheepish:

I'm willing to help edit, but only if you ask this time. :moustache:

you know I wanted to do a future human in equestria story which I proceded to upload and was dissipointed in it myself. I did receive advice though such as take time to flesh out your story And the show don't tell rule. Otherwise great concept. You know what a sucker I am for human space travel stories so I know what will not work. The whole humans are evil and must be peacefull thing is really cleche or however you spell that word, doing something like what I am attempting like how humans should let equestria devellop on there own type of premice is hardly used and opens it up for a sequel. The skip sentences thing seems really annoying and you should try to fix that. Otherwise I like where this is going.:pinkiesmile:

To me it seems like things are moving a little too quickly and I can't really tell who's talking because it mentions the person speaking at the end of the previous line, needs some work on how the characters react to things as well, but its still interesting story.

You've got a good idea just needs a bit of work! :twilightsmile:

It looks good, and it definately has potential, but find an editor. And rewrite that scene with Twiligjt meeting Clearwater, it's to hollow. A giant metal beast just fell out of the sky, Twilight would be frightened.

"forced to wipe out humanity"

Enough reason for me to not read.

It's a good story but you have no commas and you regulary forget to capitalize I's

FIX THE RANKS AND HOW THEY USE THEM IN CONTEXT!!!

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