• Member Since 20th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 28th, 2016

TheNocturnalLoner


Crazed novice writer, and pre-reader for the Overly Extensive Editors group.


T
Source

*Sex tag added for adult situations, remarks, humor, etc.*

Princess Luna has returned from her 1000 year banishment on the moon. Now she must learn to cope with the changes that have occurred during her absence, while dealing with the guilt and regret from her past. In an effort to redeem herself, she tries to right her past wrongs and show the ponies of Equestria that she is no longer the evil nightmare that scared them for centuries.

During her period of repentence she rediscovers one particular group of ponies that was hit the hardest when she turned into Nightmare Moon, the 13th Infantry Division. They had pledged their loyalty to her and were one of the most elite fighting units in the entire Equestrian army. Now, their only claim to fame is their past and being the biggest joke in the military. A place for misfits and undesirable soldiers, as well as punished officers. Can the newly returned princess redeem herself and the division that devoted itself to her? Or will Princess Luna fall back into the open arms of sorrow and despair?

Pre-reading and editing from the prologue through chapter 4 were done by Arkenai

Pre-reading from chapter 5 onwards done by Auramane

A huge thanks to both of you!

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 265 )

I'm not really one for militia or the like, but this seems decently written with an interesting plot so I've given it a like and a favourite, let's hope you keep up the good work.
One question though: Why Alpha, Beta and Delta? Shouldn't it be Alpha, Beta and Gamma if you're going by the Greek alphabet alphabetically?

1676083 Is it supposed to go in that order? Oops my bad. I'm not familiar with the latin alphabet so I decided to go in alphabetical order with the english alphabet. Hence me using delta as the third one, not gamma. Sorry about that. I'll remember that for future classifications though.

1676106
Thank you. I've never really written a sad story before but I'm gonna give it my best shot in the next couple of chapters. I'll start the first chapter tomorrow/tonight, and hopefully I'll be able to get it out within a few days.

1676275 Thanks for the clarification. I always wondered why Delta came after Gamma. I promise not to mix it up again if I can help it.

1676319 No problem, also I may have herpes and called it the Latin alphabet in my first comment when I meant Greek, sorry.

1675955 Is there a problem with a writers first attempt?

An excellent start. I look forward to seeing more of this story. It will be interesting to see how you have Luna redeem the 13th.

Well, as a Soldier I always enjoy reading a good unit history, but it may have been better to keep this prologue as reference material for yourself and work the info into the actual story. An info dump upfront is a good way to turn new readers off real quick. Kicking the plot off right away is how you suck people in and get them committed to the story. As it is, I could just walk away from this story right now and not feel like I'm missing anything because... well... nothing's happened yet. Hope that's helpful.

1675955:twilightoops: Dang, featured, Regi, Regi you there? look, featured :twilightsheepish: Dang

1676873 Thanks for reading. I know I probably shouldn't have started out the story like that but I just need to get something out of my brain and into writing, ya know? Starting stories has always been my weakness in writing. As I have countless papers I wrote that started off pretty poorly for my english classes over the years. I just wanted to set up the backstory about the 13th, but I probably over did it. The prologue turned out to be quite a bit longer then I had originally expected. I need to work on my intro paragraphs so I can draw in readers more effectively. When I write another story I'll try to make the beginning a bit more gripping, and try not to dump so much data on the reader in such a short time. Thanks for the tip.

1675955 fuck off :trixieshiftleft:

Lyra practicing her blow job skills on a banana, eh? -edit-

1677302 Well, i like to look at it as a warning that it may not be shakespearean level writing, and that the writer might get better as time goes on. what you should really look for is stories that spoil the entire plot.

And putting on my "Read Later" list. I actually like sleeping. :pinkiesmile:

1677237
CELESTIA DARN IT I WAS GONNA COMMENT ON THAT.:twilightangry2:

1677387
Im now happier than Haggard when he got his first shotgun because of that comment:trollestia:

Brohoof for a fellow Bad Company fan! /)

Way, way too much telling in this fic. Am I reading a story or a plot summary?

Not trying to be mean or anything, but I lost interest and stopped reading early.

You may want to get an editor. You have the tendency to stop in the middle of a sentence like this. Having a new fragment where there should just be a comma.

first fic? only one chapter? ...I'll favorite it for later purposes, but I AM NOT reading this right now, despite the idea. get more chapters and I'll consider reading

1675955
so it's no Art Inspired, Pen Stroke, etc; give him a break on it at least eh?:trixieshiftright:

Read the prologue and I am excited!:pinkiehappy:
Now for the story to begin!!:rainbowdetermined2:
Here's a theme to kick it off!

(Have I fuckin mentioned that I love Bad Company?!:pinkiecrazy::rainbowkiss:)

Last one I swear! (For this chapter...:pinkiecrazy::trollestia:)

Though in all seriousness, Luna is in for a world of depression once she sees how far the 13th has fallen and shrunk.
Though hopefully she'll be happy that Celestia saved the 13th from disbandtion.

The narrative style is... a tincy wincy bit boring and for an introduction, that's bad, but what you've done is put a pretty good premise and a nice story idea. Hav a fav

1678585
hey, I just picked the first two who came to mind that I can say I got a pleasent read from. Not your kind of person? Well, we all have our preferences:twilightsmile:

1678990 Overrated. I tried to read past sins. I TRIED. Honestly. He writes beautifully, but... damn, man. Just all of my nope.

Not bad, I am genuinely interested as I really like the potential. I recommend re-writing this chapter to look less like a list of events that occured and more like a story. Your ideas look very sound, but it feels like I am reading a timeline, or event summary. Don't give up though, this story has heaps of potential, and getting in the featured box for what is essentially a rough draft is pretty damn impressive! :pinkiehappy:

How many chapters till the end?
Or, more importantly, how much time?!
I really wish FimFiction had, besides new stories began and stories updated, a page for "Stories finished", one that displays ones going from "Incomplete" to "Completed".

...there are few more disappointing things than an interesting story aborted halfway through, and considering "it's your first", you didn't get to build your reputation as "finisher" yet...

How many chapters till the end?
Or, more importantly, how much time?!
I really wish FimFiction had, besides new stories began and stories updated, a page for "Stories finished", one that displays ones going from "Incomplete" to "Completed".

...there are few more disappointing things than an interesting story aborted halfway through, and considering "it's your first", you didn't get to build your reputation as "finisher" yet...

1678585
And you keep being an ass instead of apologizing to the nice author.

1679263 Of course, that's my TRADEMARK.
If I apologized, I WOULDN'T BE ME. :moustache:

Celestia was outraged and demanded, and I quote;
The narrator should never say "and I quote". And your story isn't even narrated in the first person!

1678538 Implying Art Inspired and Pen Stroke are good. Funny.

1679523 Not always, I've read a fair number of stories that were people's first attempts at writing that were pretty decent. This story included. However, the majority of first fics are pretty poor.

Also, congratulations of getting featured, TheNocturnalLoner.

1679523 Well aren't you a presumptuous dickhead.
Now that is unfair to both the writer and even the reader, just cause its someone's first attempt doesnt mean that its gonna be bad.

1675955
>first attempt at fanfiction
>featured

Problem, Regidar?

1679463 Did I ever say my story was in the 1st person? No I did not. I am trying for a 3rd person perspective story with maybe a mix of some 2nd and 1st perspective.

Just a quick clarification announcement. I did not knowingly base my story off of Bad Company. I am unfamiliar with the story and the game. I thought of my story idea by my-self and the fact it shares themes with Bad Company is completely coincidental. Sorry all of you hardcore BC fans out there, but BC did not inspire me to create this story.

1679982 I think the point he is trying to make is that you wrote 'and I quote' when you are not in the first person perspective.

1679258 I honestly don't know how many chapters I'm going to write until I reach the end. I will write at least two or three more. As for how long it takes... thats anyone's guess. I'll try to work in my free time but I cannot adhere to any time schedule. If all goes well the first chapter will be out in a couple of days. I fully intend to finish this story, because I hate it when I read a good story/book and I learn the author discontinued the story or series. :flutterrage: Therefor, I don't like to subject other people to the same fate. If you get out there and start something and people read it and like it, you darn well should finish it.

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