P.S. This is my first fimfiction story and this is only the first chapter. I will be adding more when time permits. Please review and give honest criticsim, and not just "This is crap."
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in My Little Ponies. The only things that are mine are the plot and the ocs (i.e. Evenos/Dusk Striker and Nemesis).
There is a new alicorn in Equestria, one that is older than even Celestia. This alicorn was once a hero, but is now insane. Can he be saved, or is it already to late.
Chapters (1)
So, an alicorn OC with a Gollum complex. It's surprising how out of all of the "alicorn OC that predated Celestia and Luna comes back" fics, it took this long to not make the OC a complete Gary Stu. Could use some more work grammar-wise, but hey, it's better than 95.5% of the alicorn OC fics out there.
alright, strong start.
I'd like to know more about him in the future.
Though your story could use some polishing, overall, it's pretty good.
"I like it"
"SHUT UP"
"no"
Sorry that my story is a little rough around the edges. I do agree that it needs some work and that I could have written it a little better. I will try to improve as time goes on. Thanks for the reviews nd comments.
P.S. Don't be shy to give me advice on how to improve the story. I am open to ideas.
I usually shoot for ten, but I only found one solid issue. I'm sorry. I must be slipping.
You seem to really like commas. You put them in EVERYWHERE, even when they aren't needed. Sometimes this even leads you to join two independent clauses without a conjunction.
As a first chapter it was good, but a lot of the characters history was left out. I'm guessing you will elaborate on that detail later. Overall it's good, you may just need to use more vivid writing, pft, I sound like an english teacher.
Keep going, but just be sure to make him badass.
to fast at the end. But stil pretty good