Phase 5: Sombra vs. The Job Market Part 02
After a day of rest Sombra, most vile of unicorns, most wretched of king, most tyrannous of tyrants, and the former tyrant of the Crystal Kingdom, had healed enough to venture out into Ponyville once more in his quest for a job. Sombra traveled tirelessly across many streets and met many strange ponies of different professions. At each new shop he dropped off a resume and at some he had to perform the extra trial known as an “interview”. Along his travels he scared many fillies and ate many sandwiches. To detail his journey in its totality would take volumes upon volumes in order too bestow the justice that such a grand voyage entailed. Since capsulizing the quest would undermine the journey as a whole and since undermining it would reduce the grandeur that is SOMBRA, I am forced, instead, to direct you towards the book, now on sale at all a bookstore near you (Actual book does not exist. Please don’t visit your local bookstore looking for it.) In light of this fact I am forced to tell the story through mere excerpts of what happened in the week that followed as the former king attempted to find a job or as Sombra would later call it….
“My Week in Pony Hell”
Day 1: Crazy Wheel’s Bargain Carts and Wheels
A tall, dark unicorn stood evilly in the large parking lot, surrounded by carts of varying sizes, colors, and whimsical design. The black stallion wore a bright red blazer with a name tag that read, “Hello, My Name is Sombra”. The forced smile on his face did little to make him look friendly.
Next to him stood a much shorter stallion with an off-white coat, glasses, a plaid green necktie and a cutie mark of a robot. His mane seemed to be a greasy brown. The shorter earth pony seemed focused on a small nearby cart as he slowly circled around it with a scrutinizing gaze.
“I’m not sure,” The earth pony, who fell too much into a stereotype for me to fully disclose a description of it without me feeling like I’d insult some social circle I’m not aware of, said, “This still seems too big for the uses I’d have in mind.”
Sombra face hoofed, “Mr. Gizmo, I assure you this is the smallest cart we have this side of Canterlot.”
Gizmo rubbed his chin as he pondered those words, “Maybe I’ll just have to visit another used cart lot.”
“MR. GIZMO,” Sombra spoke slowly so that his words were understood by the idiot in front of him, “We are the ONLY used cart lot this side of Canterlot.”
“Are you sure?” The walking stereotype asked in disbelief.
“OF COURSE I’M SURE! There’s not much of a market for these things to begin with. What do you think? Ponies buy new carts every year like we’re some capitalistic society of retarded monkeys that makes new versions of the same product every six months just so they can rip you off again?!”
“Oh look,” The dark tyrant said in a high pitch, but mockingly coyish voice, “The new carts are in. Look at this year models. They’re brown with TWO WHEELS!”
Gizmo readjusted his bow-tie and with a stand-offish tone said, “Well you don’t have to be rude about it. The point is that unless you have a smaller cart I’m afraid I’ll be taking my business elsewhere.” Gizmo was instantly thrown back by the torrent of dark magic which erupted from SOMBRA, used cart sales-pony. Dark energy crackled around his body like electricity and the plumes of purple evil around his eyes flared with his powers. He glared at the small insect before him.
“Fine, I’ll make you deal.” Sombra declared as dark magic began to swirl around his horn before he slashed down at the cart, slicing it in half. “50% off, Take it or leave!”
Gizmo didn’t have to be told twice as he instantly picked himself up and ran for his life at speeds he never thought he could run at. Sombra laughed all the while as lighting and thunder sounded behind him, even though it was a clear and cloudless day. Behind the cackling king a large and older earth pony stood tapping his hoof. A cutie mark of wagon wheels and bits decorated his flank.
“Sombra, you’re fired!” Crazy Wheels of “Crazy Wheel’s Bargain Carts and Wheels” angrily shouted.
“And you’re a stone statue!” Sombra shouted back as he turned toward his former employer and zapped him with a purple beam of magic.
The spell hit dead center and instantly petrified Crazy Wheels. Not one to allow himself to lose momentum, Sombra placed his former boss on a cart and rolled him off a hill towards the Everfree Forest. With that, the unicorn packed up his things, took 50 bits for his work that day, and then set the whole lot on fire. As he walked off he wondered how he was going to explain this to anypony who might ask questions.
Later at the Hooves house
Derpy had just finished setting up the table as she called Dinky and Sombra down for dinner. Sombra took his seat among the family of two and as a rather creepy smile graced his face, he leaned forward on the table.
“So stop me if you’ve heard this one before.” The king began, “A Phoenix and a Cockatrice walk into a used-cart lot…”
Day 2: Quills and Sofas
“What do you mean I can’t sleep on the sofas?” Sombra yelled
“I told you that you can’t sleep while on the job.” Davenport, Sombra’s boss for day, replied back sternly.
“Yeah, but you fired me,” The king replied in a matter of fact as he turned over on the comfy sofa he had fallen asleep on just recently prior to his termination.
“I fired you for sleeping on the job!”
“So what’s the problem? I’m a customer now and the customer is always right.”
With that comment Sombra found himself promptly tossed outside the shop, sofa and all. No one’s quite sure what happened after that, but after intensive questioning of the nearby ponies a somewhat accurate picture of the events that transpired could be stitched together.
Apparently a sofa, angry after being unfairly terminated, set itself on fire before performing a kamikaze attack on the store by crashing through the window. Thankfully the shop was only moderately damaged, but the sofa, sadly, lost its life. One of the more legal crafty ponies, Useless Bill, is already drafting a bill for the fair and po-mane treatment of sofas everywhere.
Day 3 Pony-Burger
“By the hounds of Tartarus, I hate Pony-Burger”
-Sombra, The Burger-King
Pony-Burger was the latest big thing to hit Equestria. Having its origins in Manehatten, it gained great popularity due to the demand for cheap and fast food. In fact it became so popular in the big city that they decided they should expand and what better way to expand then with a franchise. A business savvy pony in Ponyville saw a great opportunity with that and purchased the rights. Shortly afterward a Pony-Burger opened up in the small town of Ponyville.
It was popular even in the much smaller town and the food was good. The atmosphere was relatively popular and the restaurants mascot made it enjoyable for younger foals. Sombra hated Pony-Burger. It was an eyesore the moment he walked in and he knew that he would hate working here, but… he needed the job.
So he sucked up his pride, the little that wasn’t destroyed by him being defeated by a baby dragon, and submitted an application. He was rewarded with an interview that same afternoon followed by a job position starting immediately. It wasn’t so bad. The uniform consisted of a red shirt, black pants, and a silly hate that was shaped like a burger. Of course since this is not just Sombra, but KING Sombra, he still insisted on wearing his crown everywhere he went. Something about it being the key to unimaginative powers that the lessor minded ponies could never control or comprehend, but that takes our current story off tangent.
Imagine if you will Sombra with his crown. It is not only a symbol of his regality, but of his evil as well. King wasn’t just a title; it was part of his very identity. Now image a fast food restaurant hat with a large burger on the front. Put these two ideas together and you can easily understand how Sombra became known as the “Burger King” to his coworkers after his first day of work.
Despite Sombra's intense hatred for said restaurant, Pony-Burger ended up being a one of the places that Sombra worked at for the longest time, a whole three days. Why he held this job for so long was little more than the fact that the job was fairly automatic. Sombra's spoke little to his co-workers and so long as he read the script and pushed a few buttons related to an order he never had to speak to his manager. Social interactions with other ponies mainly consisted of, “Welcome to Pony-Burger, home of the Pony-burger. May I take your order?”
As such Sombra kept a low-profile, working a job with little responsibility and real social interaction. He was even starting to grow fond of his new title of “The Burger-King” till his third day. See, this day started a bit different. Derpy had over slept that day and failed to wake anyone in the household up in time. As such, breakfast passed in a rushed whirl and Sombra was unable to obtain his daily lunch sandwich and muffin, a lunch he had grown fond of in the past few days yet would never admit. This lack of nourishment fit for a king forced Sombra to buy lunch at his work place using his employee's discount and then... Then he discovered the terrible truth of PONY-BURGER.
“Welcome to Pony-Burger, home of the Pony-burger. May I take your order?” Sombra said with disheartened truth that he now carried on his shoulders.
“Yes, I'd like a Pony-burger, medium hayfries and a hay-shake.” The nondescript stallion order.
“No you don't.” Sombra said in a hushed voice towards the customer.
“What?”
“You don't know what's in that thing. Trust me you don't want it.” Sombra assured with a whispered urgency.
The stallion, sensing the king's urgency, leaned in, “I don't understand.”
“They're lying to you. This whole place is lying to you.”
“How? What's a lie?”
“The Pony-burger isn't made of real pony.”
“What?”
“The burger isn't made of real pony. It's just soy. They're ripping you off!” The king hissed the last part loudly to make his point.
Figuring this pony was insane the stallion broke his whispered conversation and said, in disgust, “Why would I eat a real pony?”
“Why, because they're delicious, that's why,” Sombra shouted with a flash of his fangs to emphasize his point, “I mean why would you call something a PONY burger if it isn't made out of real pony? They should call it a soy burger or something similar. Lying is one thing, but if being an evil tyrant has taught me one thing it's that you never lie to your customers. How else are you suppose to build a functional commercial trade network if ponies can't trust your product?” The former king had now jumped on to the counter to proclaim the cruel truth to all the restaurant's patrons.
“Attention everypony. I cannot keep silent anymore,” The Burger-King announced, “The burgers you are eating are not made out of real ponies. I know this is a terrible shock to you all, but I assure you as your Burger-king that I will speak with management immediately to rectify this problem. You have my guarantee that we will have 'fresh' pony meat shipped in from the local slave camps by tomorrow.”
You can imagine this created quite the stir among customers as well as a bit of confusion. Did that mean that the burgers were made out of real ponies and they ran out of pony today? Had they ended up eating ponies in the past few days? The possibility ran rampant in their minds and the innocent pony guests began to panic, children cried, and some ponies threw up their just eaten meals.
“Wow, I knew they be upset, but I didn't think they'd be this upset over not being able to eat pony. I might be starting to like Equestria.” Sombra said with a nod as he observed the mayhem.
A flabby pony with balding head walked up behind Sombra with a very displeased expression on his face. His name tag read, “Quarter Pounder – Manager” Sombra looked backed and noticed the fat pony behind him.
“Ah, Mr. Manager, I have something of grave importance to speak to you about.” Sombra began.
“Not other word Mr. Sombra. I simply wish to inform you that you're fired.” Quarter said in a leveled, managerial voice.
Sombra seemed shocked to hear these words, “I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear you. It sounded like you said I was fired even though I'm taking great steps to ensure the quality of this business.”
“That's exactly what I said Sombra. You're FIRED!”
Sombra whole body began to quake in anger as dark magic once again flowed through his form. His whole visage seemed to grow and mead with the very shadows of the building as his eyes were absorbed into the solid green of pure shadow magic. “No,” Sombra's voice echoed, “You're FIRED!”
With that Sombra shot a flame orange beam at his former managers, igniting the over-weight pony on fire. Quarter Pounder panicked as the flames spread quickly on his body and began to run in a scared frenzy knocking the deep fryer pan over and coating himself in delicious, boiling hot, corn-oil. His screams fueled the screams of the other ponies around him and more panic and fear shot through the restaurant, Sombra's ominous laugh booming and reverberating through the very bones of the ponies still inside.
“While I'm at it,” Sombra said as he shot another flaming beam at a random former coworker, “You're fired!” More screams and fire.
“And you're fired!” A random customer was immolated.
“You too!” Burning pony runs across the building. Sombra was now beginning to get into igniting random ponies for his own perverse pleasure as he began to do a little dance he saw Dinky perform once. A rendition of some dance performed by a demon llama emperor.
“You're all fired!!!!!!!!1111!!!!111” Sombra shouted as he shot a concentrated beam of fire magic across the dining area igniting everything, living or not, on fire.
Outside, Pony-Burger appeared like any other normal business in Ponyville... Till it ignited into a blaze of fire similar to how a match erupts after it was stricken... And then dropped into vat of highly volatile liquid.
Later that evening at the Hooves house
The sun had already began to to set and the work day for all, but the hardest working ponies, was beginning to finally wind down. Sombra paced back and forth at the front door of the Hooves' home, a bouquet of spring flowers held in his green magic. Flowers that he had stolen, robbed, mugged, procured from a wandering half-wit with an hourglass cutie mark. He no longer wore his Pony-burger uniform, but was still somewhat 'smokey'.
“Will she be mad? It's been over a week now that I haven't been able to hold onto a job. I'm sure I can no longer avoid death by hanging. Indeed, recently I've been able to see the blood-lust in her walled-eyes. The eyes of a predator waiting for its prey to make a mistake. How cunning, yet I must stand firm. No matter, I shall simply go in there and demand she hear me out. I'll say that I've haven't been given a fair chance that and that death is to harsh a punishment for somepony of my status. If she doesn't listen to me I'll simply force a hostile takeover of the whole house. YES, brilliant Sombra! Though that will mean I will have to go without her sandwiches and muffins. Hmm, maybe compromise is best in this situation. Not too be merciful, but for sandwiches and muffins.” With that last thought Sombra boldly opened the door to the two-story home.
“Derpy, I demand you hear my case.” Sombra demanded, but was answered by a gray blur that tackled him to the ground and began to grapple his neck. Strangely enough, Sombra found the death strangle lacking in 'death strangling'.
“Oh Sombra, I was so worried about you. I heard there was an accident at your work place.” Derpy muffled voice sounded in the confused king's ear.
“Yeah, there was a fire and...”
“A fire!” Derpy pulled away from Sombra, her face a mishmash of worry and concern, stood up and asked, “Sweet Celestia, are you OK?”
“Of course I'm fine, though I can't say the same about some of the other ponies there.”
Though still expressing concern, Derpy allowed herself to breath a sign of relief, “I'm just glad you're not hurt. Are those for me?” She asked, having spotted the flowers.
“Oh, yes,” Sombra replied as he passed the flowers to the blonde mare, “You see Derpy, I think it's unfair...”
“Oh my gosh! They smell like blueberry muffins.”
“Well yes, I didn't like the way they smelled so I cast a simple smell changing spell. Now as I was saying.”
“A smell changing spell? You unicorns and your spells. Did you attend Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns or something?”
“No, now as I was saying...” Sombra's brain suddenly did a double-take as he took in Derpy's words. “Celestia doesn't have a school. The only advanced magical school in Equestria is Sombra's Academy for the Sadistically Elite.”
Derpy smiled, a cute, but naïve smile that said she didn't quite understand what he was talking about again. “Did you have that dream where you're the dethroned king of the Crystal Empire again?”
“It's not a dream!” Sombra spat out before thinking, “Damn you Celestia, stealing not only my throne, but my school too.”
“That's OK. I'm just glad you're safe today. Come on, Dinky's hungry because we didn't want to eat dinner without you.”
“You waited on me to get home before you ate dinner?”
“Correction, Mom didn't want to eat dinner without you. I suggested we save you a doggie bag.” Dinky's voice rang out from the dining room.
Derpy gave a mild laugh of embarrassment at Dinky's outburst before she replied, “Well yeah. In this house we eat as a family and you're part of that family now Mr. Sombra.”
“Oh,” Sombra said, clearly unsure on how to act or feel, “That's very kind of you I guess.” The former king casually closed the door behind him as he followed the gray pegasus into the dining room as if he was in a daze. As he took his usual seat at the table he took note that a plate and cup had indeed been setup for him. A place that was his. It was a strange feeling to suddenly have something again. After losing everything he had ever worked for, in this small house, far away from his original home he found a place. A seat that was “his”. Sombra didn't know what to tomorrow would bring and he was starting to doubt his plans for taking over Equestria, but for now, at least at this very moment...
He was home.
End Chapter 6
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...
Burger. King.
You, sir, have earned my respect.
Huzzah.
"The cypher is stupidity" was, I think, the highlight...
You know what would be funny,
sombra recruiting ponies with derp eyes to be his spies
IMAGINE IT a WHOLE SPY NETWORK of derp eyed ponies
FOR SOMBRA
As he said the cypher is stupidity OR derp eyes
Moar.
Oh my god this was totally worth it
! Nice job!
The premise reminded me of an Excel Saga for some reason.
“And you're a stone statue!”
Probably the greatest line, closely followed by “No, you're FIRED!”
Or maybe Dinky's demon llama dance?
I dunno. It's all amusing.
Wow, there were almost 40 favorites since last night and comments so quickly. I had over 40 notifications when I signed back on this morning. I've never gotten so many before. I take it everyone likes the latest chapter, thank you.
3880089 I do apologize about the errors. I try to edit to my best abilities, but I have no proofreader and there are even times where I'm so excited by the work, like in this case, that I'll post with only basic editing. I'll look into getting one to ensure quality.
Angsty Dinky is best Dinky.
This… I love it so!
interesting.......
i need to read this because of that insanely adorable picture
3882202 Same here, is so adorable... agh,the cuteness... its too much!*Starts having a seizure*
This is both a mixture of being so hilarious and adorable. I love it!
3884687
lol, with all the errors in the earlier chapters I have to wonder why that was the one error you choose to report. Oh, well. I did some editing on it and a few other chapters, though I'm sure there's still plenty of mistakes.
May I suggest that Sombra goes into the grave digging business? I'll bet that they would need help with all the ponies he just fired from their jobs.
Delighted to see another chapter of this-- It was a most excellent blend of sadistic death and sweet twee!
Maybe he can go into headstone-carving.
Quarter Pounder, AC 2980-3002
When foul treason he plotted against his rightful king, abundant jowls a'quiver with ire
The noble king of burgers had it his way; a just sentence of death by fryer and fire
Davenport Pinion, AC 2978-3002
After denying his rightful liege the sleep of the just by severance and hassle
Loyal upholstery was martyred to stop the crimes of this rebellious vassal
Englebert "Crazy Wheels" Wagonwright, AC 2975-3002
'Neither a buyer nor a seller be', reads the placard on the stone stallion's wall
'For the carts are lemons, and the interest rates here make beggars of us all!"
You know I can't decide if this is a spelling error or not.
Your description contains a lot of misplaced commas, comma splices, and run-on sentences. Your short description should be two sentences, plus you misspelled "lets".
3887265
Not so much misspelled as use the wrong form. I'm aware of what you mean for the short description, but I felt that the pause created by two sentences wouldn't "read" right. Yet, that opinion may be biased as I have a mental "tone of voice" which I imagine it being read in, which others may not have. I will confess that I never really like how I wrote either one of the descriptions, but again the story wasn't high on my list of priorities. It also wasn't popular enough for anyone, readers & myself, to really care about my grammar mistakes. Yet with this past update more people are liking it and naturally some are bothered by those grammar mistakes which I never cared to fixed. I guess that means I have to go back and fix them them over time and while am I'm at it I may as well re-write the whole description. At least correct it to the point where I'm not disgusted with my lack of effort when reading it.
>>>“I’m not sure,” The earth pony, who fell too much into a stereotype for me to fully disclose a description of it without me feeling like I’d insult some social circle I’m not aware of, >>>
That would be the poindexter subtype, comprised of various fractional representations of geeks, nerds, and squares.
That neither the Princesses nor the Mane 6 have shown up yet while Sombra is slaughtering the townsfolk at his various 'jobs' indicates to me a very dark and sinister truth: They know he's there and are just using him to cull the herd.
Pony eugenics.
He mugged the doctor... Damn you Sombra!
You may claim your not a funny guy but you still managed to make me laugh like crazy, especially at the pony burger bit.
3889616
I'm aware of the fact and working on it.
3889566 Derpy does have straight eyes.
For her TRUE FORM is the Super Assassin 'Bright Eyes', and the clumsy mailmare is merely a cunning alias.
3886722
That was amazing and you should feel amazing.
Please,please,please,please,please please,please update this I beg you!
I really hope that sombra will eventually just become o with it all and become nice. I mean, he cant be evil forever, and if anypony should be able to reform him, it should be derpy hooves. :3
3890812 3886424 3886722 3889609
I hope this pic help you with some ideas for Sombra's future jobs.:
s21.postimg.org/8j6jdo547/525177_safe_solo_king_sombra_artist_colon_mlp_d.jpg
That BITCH.
4763009 I agree Celestia is a bitch
like and favorite, for sheer cuteness. and the fact i love this story.
my headcannon for this ended with the mane six only discovering sombra been living in town when they get invited to his and derpy wedding