Phase 03: I'm Really Starting to Hate it Here
Sombra's new room was quaint. There were few other words one could use to describe it. It was sparsely furnished with little more than a dresser and bed. A lone and forgotten brown suit, wrapped in plastic to protect it from moths, hung forgotten in the closet. Sombra cared not for who it belonged to. A single window facing east allowed for the cool night air to flow through and chill the once proud king with soothing refreshment. It was very different from the biting cold of the darkness he was so accustomed too.
He briefly walked around the room inspecting it for danger. There were few places an assassin could hide in such a small room, but assassins only needed to be successful once to end your life. Once content that there was no danger the dark unicorn allowed himself to relax. With a heavy thud he dropped his magical saddle bags on the wooden floor before taking a seat on the side of the bed.
“I had forgotten how soft beds were.” He said in a mild jest as he lightly bounced on the bed to test it's springiness.
With a kick, fumble and the heavy clang of metal Sombra began the arduous process of stripping off his armor barding. At one point in time he had slaves that assisted him in doing so, but by oneself it was a tedious process. None the less it was the sacrifice one took for the added protection of magical steel. Finally he carefully levitated his crown to the nearby desk.
Naked and vulnerable, the king slowly stretched out onto his new bed. Despite how tired he was he allowed himself a brief moment to fully acknowledge that which he had been denied for so many, many years. The softness of the bed as it gently embraced his form, the smoothness of the sheets as they passed over his hooves, the smell of clean crisp sheets with the hint of lemon and muffin. He took it all in as he fell back into the bed.
“It's good to be alive again.” He said with a cold smile. “Those damn ponies really don't know how good they have it. Spending a thousand years as a literal shadow of yourself makes you appreciate the little things.”
With a yawn and a minor burst a magic he snuffed out the lights of the room and allowed himself to be enveloped by the night shadows. They were warm compared to the darkness he was accustomed too and with the warmth of the blanket to assure him it was not a dream the once great king found himself easily falling asleep.
Sombra was not aware of how long he had been asleep, but something had momentary disturbed him. It stirred ever so slightly at his conscious, like an annoying blue fairy that need to be crushed. Not even bothering to open his eyes he reluctantly pushed out a bit of magic across the room. Nothing seemed to stand out as dangerous to his magical senses though.
“Must of been a false alarm.” He groggy mumbled as he pulled a nearby pillow closer to his chest. A smile spread across his face as the warmth of the pillow spread out through his body. He unconsciously pulled it closer till he could finally smell the lingering muffin scent that seemed to permeate everything in this house. “Smells like hazelnut muffins.” He mumbled.
“It's my shampoo.” The pillow answered as it shifted positions in his hooves. Sombra's eyes shot open at this as he suddenly realized the pillow he was hugging was none other than that ridiculous blond mare, Dippy... no it was...
“Derpy!” Sombra half shouted at the half asleep mare in his forelegs. The blond pegasus stirred ever so slightly before finally turning over towards him as her mane cascaded ever so slightly across her face.
“Mr. Sombra, what are you doing in my bedroom?” She finally asked in between a yawn.
“Your bedroom? You're in my bedroom!” Sombra hissed back.
Derpy stared back at him. Her crossed eyes blinked several times as if she did not understand the very words he had just spoken.
“Huh?” She finally answered as she lifted her head up and looked around the room. “Hey, this isn't my bedroom.”
“That's what I've been trying to tell you.” Sombra growled as he slapped his hoof to his face.
It took several painfully long seconds as Derpy processed all this new information before she finally answered back with a bright smile, “Sorry about that Mr. Sombra. I must of walked in here by accident after my midnight muffin snack.”
With that she casually got out of his bed and walked out the room, obvious to the awkward situation she had created. Sombra sat in silence for a moment as he listened, unsure if this was the last of this strange event flag.
“Mom, you're in my bed again.” Came the high pitched voice of the unicorn filly named Dinky.
“I got the wrong room again?” Derpy whined, “Who keeps moving my room?”
“Something tells me I'm really going to hate my time here.” Sombra lamented as he fortified himself for the terrors and trials that awaited him in the morning.
Morning
“Bye Mom!” Dinky cried out as she dashed out the door to school.
“Bye my little Muffin! Take care!” Derpy shouted back from the front door as she watched her daughter hurry out.
“School huh? Personally I think fillies should be getting first hoof experience using a pickax, but that's just me.” Sombra murmured to himself as he finished his breakfast of coffee and muffins.
With a smile and a skip to her step Derpy entered the dining room and took a seat across from Sombra. She took a muffin from pile in the center and began to happily nibble on it. Several seconds of silence past before the gray mare finally looked at Sombra and, following several blinks of confusion, asked,
“Who are you?”
The question may have been a hoof to the face as it had the same affect of knocking the former king off his chair in shock. As he crawled back into his chair he glared at the pegasus across from him.
“I'm Sombra. You rented me a room just yesterday, remember!” He shouted.
“Oh, that's right? Sorry, I didn't recognize you without your blanket thingy.” She admitted with a smile as she went back to her muffin.
Sombra inspected his body in confusion. Due to the warmer weather of Ponyville he had chosen not to wear his royal cape.
“Are you referring to my enchanted Cape of the Nine?”
“Yeah, that thing.” She answered without much thought.
“I'll have you know that that blanket thingy is made of 100% real dark-spider silk and has been enchanted by some of the most powerful magics in the Crystal Kingdom.” He boosted
The derp-eyed mare seemed to have little interest in his words though as she continued eating.
“Not only does it protect one from the biting cold of the northern wastes, but provides magical resistance to all but the most powerful of unicorn magics and it's stain resistant.” The fallen king continued in an effort to impress the gray mare, who clearly did not understand the greatness of his wardrobe. Though despite his best efforts to glorify his glorious cape she she continued to look elsewhere.
“At least look at me when I'm talking to you!” Sombra finally shouted.
“I AM looking at you.” Derpy shouted back, though her wandering eyes made it hard to tell. “You just kept talking and I didn't know what to say, but I get it now. Your blanket thingy is important to you.”
“It is not a blanket thingy! For crying out loud, that cape practically washes itself with the blood of your enemies.” Sombra said with a slam of his hoof to emphasis his point.
“Well that's good to know, because with that temper of yours you'll be doing your own laundry mister.” Derpy scolded. “Now if you stop your crying I have some information to help you on your job hunt. As a mailmare I know a lot about the Ponyville and I just so happen to know of several places that are hiring. They'll be good places to start your search.” Derpy advised as she handed the dark unicorn a sheet of paper with several addresses on it.
As Sombra read the paper Derpy whisked through the house to gather her things at a pace that only a seasoned working mom could do.
“Now don't dally here too long Sombra. You don't want to waste the day doing nothing now do you? I made you a sack lunch and remember, if the first few jobs don't work out don't lose faith. Just keep trying.” She said as if she was on autopilot as she reached out to adjust his tie only to find herself grabbing air.
“Huh? Where's your tie?” She asked the unicorn with a confused expression.
“What the hell is a tie?” Sombra replied, perplexed as to why the blonde mare was invading his personal space.
“That's no good. You can't go to work without a tie.” She declared before she flew off upstairs. Sombra, for the most part, ignored Derpy's antics as he returned to the paper as attempted to gleam some information about the type of business each was based off their names.
His guard was lowered though. He had already dismissed Derpy as a non-threat so he cursed himself as the cloth garrotte wrapped around his neck and began to tighten. Of course she would be an assassin. Sombra cursed his stupidity. No pony was this kind to you without reason unless they planned on killing you! Curse you Celestia and your forethought. Well if you thought I would just lay back and die you're wrong. He felt the pressure of the garrote ease up.
“Amateur!” Sombra thought as he easily broke from the mare's death grip and spun around to face his would be murderer.
Derpy looked a bit embarrassed, “I'm sorry. Did I startle you?”
At this Sombra looked at the assassination tool still wrapped around his neck. “This isn't a garrote.”
Derpy's brow raised, befuddled. “Garrote? It's a tie, silly. Oh, that's right! You're foreign so you probably don't know what a tie is. You see a tie is what a stallion wears when he goes to work. This one belonged to my late husband, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind you borrowing it for today.” She said as she stepped forward and adjusted the article of clothing a bit. A soft and sadden look of nostalgia glistened in her eyes as she stepped back to examine her work. “There, you look very handsome.”
Baffled, Sombra examined the “tie” as it was called. He figured the mare's eyesight must also affect her judgment of style for only an idiot would like this tacky fashion disaster of floating inkblots.
Derpy gave Sombra an encouraging smile as she rubbed her eyes. “I'm sure you'll do great out there.” she said before she rushed out the door without so much as a word.
Sombra continued to exam her gift and though her actions did perplex the king the implications of giving him a tie sent shivers down his spine. “A society that bestows nooses to their male working force, perhaps in an attempt to instill psychological terror in them and constantly remind them of the ritualistic suicide they must commit should they fail. That would explain the over abundance of females in this town.”
A grin spread across Sombra's face, “It would seem that despite the peaceful nature they try to convey, Equestria has quite the macabre culture.”
End chapter 4
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Hilarious!
Finally you update! Like to see more.
I'm thankful every day that my office doesn't require me to wear a garrote...
Ah, Derpy the old, 'Sorry I thought this was my bedroom' trick, it's nice to see a mare who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get out there and cuddle it.
3885524 Hey, that's what I thought they symbolized!
That reminds me, seppuku hurts like hell. Don't do it.
I like this story.
It's delightfully silly and yet has some clever little situational and societal humor notes, as with the noose/tie association.
Headcanon accepted.
Not the Doctor's tie.