The Wandering Guardian

A collection of 3rd-person short-stories following Cosmic Mind, my OC. Primarily practice for writing stories. No real plans for a story arc.
Rated Teen as a precaution
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Everyone has one, even if they don't realize it. A guardian that seems to come and go out of nowhere, who appears when they are needed, someone to help guide them. Cosmic Mind is one of them, protecting and helping those that need it, without being asked. He is a wanderer, helping strangers who are treated unjustly for things out of their power. He does not give up an effort to help or save someone, as long as there is a chance that it can be done.
He has a coat of night-sky blue, and eyes that with a single glare, paralyzes all but the strongest being, and see into others' minds and see their life.
Few truly know the stallion in his large dark cloak, shrouded in mystery.
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I'm aware the description sucks. It may still be worth reading, or not.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 4 )

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defunct321

defunct321 #1 · Aug 29th, 2014 · · · Fluttershy (Updated) ·

Hey, as a tip, put the non-description part of the long description area below the actual description. It makes you look more professional. Also, don't have the 'on-hiatus' part up right when you release the story; you should wait to release the story until you have the time to finish it.

defunct321

defunct321 #2 · Aug 29th, 2014 · · · Fluttershy (Updated) ·

-Set shortly before Fluttershy moves to Ponyville, but after the Mane 6 are no longer fillies-

You told us that Fluttershy has not yet moved to Ponyville and is not a filly when this could have been shown by having Fluttershy's cutie mark in her description, and you could include the fact that she's looking to move somewhere on the mainland, where there are lots of animals, to show that she's definitely a full grown adult. In fact, that would to Cosmic Mind mentioning Ponyville instead of just bringing it up out of nowhere. A general rule is that if you present it through dialogue, it won't be telling, as long as you present the dialogue in a realistic manner.

Also, you're pacing is too fast, it feels like you're skipping over scenes. Why does Cosmic Mind trust Fluttershy when he barely knows her, when for all he knows she could be really mean without any confidence and will go on a rampage against her former tormentors with the power of The Stare? And why does Fluttershy trust Cosmic Mind to case a strange spell on her? You could have had them have a pleasant discussion over their meal and get to know one another better. Really now, every piece of dialogue between Cosmic Mind and Fluttershy could have been slown down a bit and have some small talk in between.

As well, why is the whole restaurant laughing at Fluttershy? If someone was mean to someone else in a restaurant on Earth, they'd just be ignored, and people on Earth a good deal meaner than ponies.

And this:

said in an almost mocking tone.

Why is he mocking Fluttershy in a tone that isn't actually mocking? One would use an almost mocking tone if they're mocking their superiors, or if they don't want the other person to be sure they're being mocked.

The Cosmic Consciousness