• Member Since 29th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 10th, 2015

Mayhem Darkshadow


Edgar Deutschland!!!

T
Source

Twilight is Princess Luna's one and only friend and everypony knows it. Neither of them ever thought that they would be anything more than friends. However, after just one night together that is no longer true and together the two of them embark on journey of secrets, lies, trials, friendship, and true love.

Edited by: psychohooves, Avatar of Shadow, and TimeLord_Whooves

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 233 )

This is of acceptance, I have praised the message

this will be interesting
though "said whoever" is extremely jarring after or in the middle of each line of dialogue and probably should be removed except when it is not obvious who said it where it should be stated creatively

A lovely story but you could write more emotions for them, right now its just "said" and "asked"

1589343 i agree
to author: the plot is a bit fast and lacking in details more could have been added to the sleepover examples: what were they saying while they played the games, more descriptions on what the room looked like ect.

since this is a story focused on ponies use somepony not somebody, use anypony not anybody ect just a tip

:duck:meh. not bad, but it seems rushed.

Phwoar, prepare for Constructive Criticism Overload (CCO for short)
The very first thing you should be aware of, is that you have good ideas, but you seem to have trouble putting them down into words. Don't worry, a great many writers get this.
Item # Two: You're rushing it. Take more time to think about exactly how you're going to bring the plot around to where you want it. (For example, in chapter 1, it would have been much more engaging if Luna didn't just come straight out and ask if Twi "wanted to cuddle". Not only does it give the story a feeling of unneccessary haste, it's quite out of Luna's character as a princess.)
Item the Third: Be Descriptive! Each and every one of the small segments in chapter two could have been extended into their own 3000-5000 word chapters by just describing more of what's happening (i.e. the surroundings, expressions/actions of the ponies, etc). This would have given readers a great deal more insight into how both Luna and Twilight are feeling, and how they come to terms with their emotions. (Also a little side-note here, Luna's discussion with Celestia and Twilight's discussion with her friends were far too similar. Be diverse with your writing, you want to give readers something new with every scene.
Final Pointer: Your grammar and language use need extensive work. One thing i noticed most in chapter 1, was your overuse of a word ("Pillow" as an example.) a word should not be said more than once or twice in any given paragraph. If you can't think of another way to say it, there's always an online thesaurus. Also (as stated in someone else's comment) was the way you overused names. (e.g. "Finally Pinkie Pie noticed... cat got your tongue?" asked Pinkie Pie). the second "Pinkie Pie" is not needed here, just a simple "she asked" would do.
Anyway, i hope this helped (i also hope this comment isn't too long to be posted). if you want some more in-depth advice, toss me a message, and i'll be happy to help out. Good Luck!

Wow the ending was awkward..

please tell me they wont be a lesbemarin couple (:fluttershbad:) or something like that (:fluttershyouch:)

Still :heart: thought :twilightsmile:

This story is touching but awkward! :yay:

Oh on thing take your time writing! Dont rush it! add details! What were the thoughts of twilight while she walked home? Explain Luna's feelings etc.

1592022

I agree with you! If I was the writer I would listen and make sure i edit this and work harder :pinkiesmile:

1592095
Haha, thanks :pinkiehappy: It's not like I need another distraction from my own writing but, as I said, the ideas in this were good. Also, I just like helping people :scootangel: I've also never read a Twi x Luna ship before... Half-tempted to try and write one myself now, but I've got enough on my plate already :moustache:

Great idea, can't wait to see where it's going! That said, parts of this story seemed a little bit tedious. My advice would be to avoid using the same word so close to itself (ex/ "She taught Luna how to have fun last Nightmare Night and Luna had so much fun." The word "fun" being used twice in the same sentence makes it sound redundant. Try exploring other ways to express the same idea. For instance: "She taught Luna how to have fun last Nightmare Night, and Luna ended up having a really good time.") Comma usage was also a slight issue. Overall it was quite enjoyable, and I hope I'm not being overly critical. Stories like this often times serve as wonderful opportunities to grow as a writer, and you've shown that you can produce good concepts, so I just wanted to leave you with a couple of things to think about :twilightsmile: Can't wait for more!

Thanks for all the comments I'll put them to good use in the chapters to come

They're probably a little rushed because I'm in college right now so busy with the studies. I tried to get a friend to edit them for me but he didn't have time so I just kind of posted them. As I said above I promise more details and far better job editing.

I think this is not a bad start to what could be a very cute/happy story. Several comments above cover most of what I would say; there are some grammar errors- commas in the wrong place, etc. There are a few mispellings- "counted the starts" instead of "stars", little stuff like that.

Some of the dialogue is stilted or forced- it doesn't sound quite like a real conversation. This is hard, because you have to get the voices flowing in your head and imagine the dynamic that is going on and then put that on screen. To do that, you have to get a feel for the characters- whether they're totally canon or you have added some twists on your own.

As Snowraider said, the story moves kind of fast, and I think part of that can be attributed to using mainly dialogue and some narrator-supplied exposition to move it along. If you can introduce more thoughts/emotions/feelings from the perspectives of each character, it can help to slow the pace and deepen the characters, letting you bring out the traits you want to show people.

The twist at the end is a bit cliche- it feels like it was just tacked on to end the chapter or to set up for the next one without any exploration of WHY she would say such a thing- some internal dialogue or debate from Luna before asking it or some self-questioning about the feelings she's having would set it up better. Twilight's unquestioning acceptance is also a little contrived, a little hard to accept.

Overall not bad! I think Penultimate has a great point, one I can agree with from my own experience: Your first story is really about learning how to write- so consider this an experiment and see what helps you improve. You've got a cute idea here, so let's see how it pans out!. :eeyup:

Thanks Featherprop I always appreciate constructive criticism. All your advice will be put into the next chapters as will all other constructive criticism

1589861 Twilight has actually used Anybody before in the show.

A bit rushed? Yes, but I feel that this story has potential. :coolphoto:

On another note: You wrote that you know people that can help you with the story. If that is so, then there is no reason why you should write and post without a 'green light' first. I've read stories in Fanfiction.com that have taken months and some even years before they were completed, so you take as much time as you need... even if this is the first story you've written in a while(apparently). No pressure. Remember, real life comes first. :eeyup:

1592170

I like helping people too :scootangel:

I never read any pony x pony! (weird ik :rainbowlaugh:) I only look at pictures if Fluttershy x Big Mac :P

I don't usually read this sort of things BUT I quite like it...
Note: You should get it proof-read.
Mane not "Hair" (:facehoof): things like that can affect someone's views on it!


I think it was alright, was fun to read and not too fast.

However, even as a non-english person i have the feeling that some things just sounded...wrong. Proof read would be a good thing i think. :eeyup:

I think that they should tell Celestia and become a couple.

:eeyup:
Ohh hi Mac
:eeyup:
Okay u can stop now
:eeyup:
Ugh help me AJ
:ajbemused:
Please?
:applejackunsure:
Grrr. How 'bout u RD?
:rainbowhuh:
Didn't think so..
:eeyup:
Stop!



Anyway good story mustaches ffor u.
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

A good story so far and can be brought large hights :twilightsmile:
I can't wait for reactions, but I suspect most of them will accept unless they are a bunch of hypocrites.

Got to say I've never had a story blow up like this before. Thanks everyone for the very supportive comments. I know I've said this at least three times today but I am taking every bit of constructive criticism and putting it to good use. I already have a friend lined up do be my second editor so except much better grammar and what not. I already have to chapter written but they need some more work until they are ready. Except to see them in the next couple of weeks. Thanks again everyone. :pinkiehappy::twilightsmile::rainbowlaugh:

Lord I talk about writing with better grammar and then I read the above comment...good thing I have a second editor lol:rainbowlaugh::facehoof::twilightsheepish:

Hm. Well, OK. :applejackunsure:The ending sorta feels like it should have been longer, like you took the whole chapter and chopped a really small bit off the end, almost a bit rushed. Just because your story gets popular, it doesn't mean you've suddenly got impending deadlines of doom to submit to. :pinkiecrazy:But we'll done, this chapter's grammar and stuff was better than the first one.:twilightsmile:

This felt very rushed, you literally jumped from one minute they're friends to having feelings for each other the next, there was no development at all and i can hardly call cuddling a form of developing a crush or a sudden realization of feelings for someone.

I suggest you redo this and extend it vastly, make it so that luna and twilight continue having these sleepovers and slowly have these feelings develop to the point when neither can hide the truth any longer. It will make the story long and involve putting a lot of detail but it will pay off in the end with a satisfying story that everyone can enjoy.

Made a list of everyone's suggestions and plan to put them to good use. Thanks to everyone who commented with suggestions I appreciate it.

Freakin Awesome ..... I dont know what the deal is this is amazing:pinkiehappy:
this would be the second time i have read a luna/twilight fic :rainbowlaugh: i amaze my self sometimes
:trixieshiftleft: :trixieshiftright: just between you and me pUrp13f1am3 This is really freakin good keep it up :rainbowkiss:

Lots of grammer mistakes..... but still really good!!!! :rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:
Keep It Up Really! dont stop:pinkiehappy::twilightblush:

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Thanks everyone, don't know when the next couple of chapter will be ready but all these comments are good inspiration to get them done.

1605595 Lots of to/too and your/you're mistakes, as well as some derailed sentences... You might want to get a proofreader or two.

Sorry it's taking so long to get some more chapters out. My editor and I are both in college so that pretty much sums up why. I'm going to push him to get them done so that I can get some new chapter's out hopefully before Christmas.
:scootangel:

I like it but it is rushed as others have said. I didn't see this in comments, might have missed it. When Luna talks in the royal we to often do you just do something like "we...I" or "us...me". Instead go back and watch the nightmare night episode. When Luna corrects herself she often goes back and repeats the sentence or a piece of it. It should be something like, "Enter Twilight Sparkle we are, I mean I am pleased to see you.". I would also maybe switch between the royal we and the royal Canterlot voice so it's not just the royal we every paragraph.

I get the feeling that things are going to start going downhill... Please let me be wrong!

1883996 but what's the fun in that? things aren't going to go downhill. they're going to jump off a cliff into a pit of spikes (no pun intended)

1884094 More like a pit of Scorpions... And black widows... and so on and so forth

It feels good seeing a story updated... Thank you for this new chapter :twilightsmile:

better than the first 2 and a little more organized.

Till next, my dear.

"Please...please forgiver me Spike

had sent with away even though he had chores

1886669
thanks for pointing that out I must have missed it

1883996
You'll just have to keep reading to find out :trixieshiftright::trixieshiftleft::moustache::moustache:. Jk don't worry it doesn't really truly start going downhill till later.

hhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggg

I can help edit? if... if that's ok with you of course :fluttershyouch:

"Twilight I would never judge you. You are aloud to make your own choices in life and if this makes you happy then I'm happy," said her mother.

Erm shouldn't aloud be allowed?

this feel like a late Christmas present excellent chapter, cant wait to read more.

I didn't really see any error's in the chapter, my only complaint is that it seemed to be a little rushed.

Till next time, my dear.:twilightsmile:

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