• Member Since 29th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 10th, 2015

Mayhem Darkshadow

Edgar Deutschland!!!


Scootaloo is alone, that is until Rainbow Dash, her idol, does the most charitable act anypony has ever seen her do. Scootaloo's life changes dramatically from this point on.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 39 )

Seemed interesting, but I doubt many people will read it and give you a thumbs up with that text formatting.

All in all this was pretty decent, the formatting was a pain though, it was like one giant run on sentence. I see a great potential in your writing, keep it up!

Sorry. Can't read. The formatting is just makes it to hard. Let me know if you change that and I might read it.

I'm not gonna lie, I got part of the way into part II and I couldn't read anymore. You really need to work on your text formatting. I want to finish this story, it seems from what I've read it's impossibly cute and d'aww inducing, but I can't get into it when I have to focus as hard as I do just to know who's talking at any given moment.

A little (lot) of editing though, and this story will be absolutely adorable.

the element of loyalty at it's finest

The formatting is just awful...
But the content of the story is really good.
I mean, not every story can make me feel something!
Actually EVERY story make me feel something, but this one, probably due to the weird formatting, made me HUG the monitor for most of the story and scream at the nightmare. Probably because i didn't know it was a nightmare.

NightMARE. EHHEHEHEH! :rainbowkiss:

Hey everyone thanks for all the constructive criticism. I'll be using a different format in any stories I write in the future. I agree that it's very run on the way I did it but I kind of wrote it more book style then fanfic style. I'm gonna use fanfic style instead because I agree with all of you, it's appalling to read them like that on FIMFIC. Thanks again everyone.

Just a quick way to make it look better to get this more views later on;
1) Full justify it. Aligns look terrible.
2) Quotes get their own lines, with a couple exceptions such as two consecutive lines from 1 character.
3) Maybe change it from the princesses sons to nephews. Not even Cadence was one of their daughters

1089543 The story you are building is great, but the formatting is really bringing it down. Not sure what you are referring to about book style, as new lines for dialog and the like are standard grammar patterns used in books as well.

If you need a proof reader, feel free to seek me out, or any number of people in the proof readers group here on fimfiction. Look forward to seeing where the story goes.

Thanks again y'all with suggestions. I'm currently writing a new story with a completely different format so it should be much easier to read. Like I said before I love constructive feedback. I really don't know what I meant when I said "book style formatting" but I did post that late at night so probably wasn't thinking at all. Anyway look for another at some point. Gonna be a comedy, at least that's the plan.

Scootaloo's mother semi-accidentally got a knife thrown straight into her heart? :ajbemused: Nuh uh.

What's with the text
It kind of annoying

When it cuts off

A sentence halfway

Through reading



Don't know what to tell you I'm surprised people are still reading this story it was...well there is know other word for it...crap. All I can say is I did the wrong kind of formatting and that is probably what caused that maybe.

It was N alright story. It's just need the formatting sorting out


Thanks I appreciate you saying that. My goal is to, whether or not it is in the near future or not, get in and do a lot of massive editing to this and some other first stories that didn't go over to well. I agree the formatting was...well 100% my fault and I want to fix that. Look for it hopefully in the future.

eh it was good but i dislike when people pair an oc with dash, its like saying she is yours but shes' no ones, and it was hard to read with all the messed up spacing. i give a 2/10 sorry wont dislike tho

The story is quite sound, and the idea is good...there is just a few problems here and there that I like to adress.

1) The OCs- I have no problem with them as a concept, I just wish there was more to them. Mayhem seems like he is too perfect and I bearly know Annabelle and Midnight to care. I would love to love these characters as much as Rainbow does, but I bearly know them myself so I cant connect with them.

2) certain plot points- Ok, what did I miss...why didnt Dash, an unbelievably huge braggart, want to announce to her five best friends that she had just taken in a little filly to raise. She loves the kid, and would most likely want to tell the entire group that she is taking care of her. Another thing, why was Celestia in an argument with Luna? Also, the plot with the father seemed to go somewhere but then faltered just before the end. I was anticipating him to come back and Dash to kick his scrawny but...but nothing came of it.

3) and as previouly stated by others...the grammer and formatting are just horrible.

Now, this is a terriffic great first try. You seem to have a lot of talent when it comes to writing and I know that your later works (mommy's gone back to heaven) show that. Just need to tune up the grammer (proofreaders are a good thing for that) and keep a close eye on the story you want to tell and you will be fine.


Thanks for notes but I really dont pay attention to these. If you want to read ones where I actually try read Guardian Angel and To Love a Mare

wow this was a good one this one made me cry:fluttercry: i dint know a story can do that


Thanks. It still needs a lot of work to get it fixed I've just been focused on my other stories


Thanks :scootangel:. Still dont understand why people are still reading this though :twilightoops:


Cool. I only say what I say because this isnt my best work. If you want to read a good Scootadopt fic read my story Guardian Angel :twilightblush:

Full of d'aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww, but I did get confused in places. But this is probably because of the fact that I haven't read your other stories. :twilightblush:

I had better go and rectify this oversight!


Do so at your own risk these stories are catastrophically bad compared to some of my other ones :rainbowwild::rainbowderp::twilightoops:

:rainbowkiss: :fluttercry: :pinkiegasp:

it was a nice story but some sentences were broken i think i only saw one or two spelling errors... good job


Honestly I know there are errors I stopped caring about all these stories a long time ago. These were all done before I actually got serious about writing. If you wanna read something that actually shows some ability to write read one of my other stories because this one and five others are absolute garbage.

Comment posted by FRAGRainbowDash deleted Mar 19th, 2014

Absolutely beautiful story. Great job!

Okay what the hell? Why does this story have so many views? It's such a bad story it hurts :pinkiesick:

(No I am not trolling myself I'm 100% serious)

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