When Scootaloo tries to fly for the first time, she quickly learns that she was not ready and through a tragic mishap, breaks her wings beyond repair. Torn apart emotionally by the situation, Rainbow Dash steps in and takes care of her and vows to find a way to fix her broken wings.
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Love it. There are quite a few times the first letter of the names has not been in caps though. And at the start you said you're daughter instead of your.
D'AWWWWW
This fic was awesome! Admittedly you could use a prereader (some misspelled words, a few names not capitalized, etc.) but the story itself is just awesome. I seriously wish there was a "Heartwarming" tag. Just "Tragedy" doesn't fit this story.
5 stars for you!
liked the story and was good concept and plot... but it felt rushed and not well thought out for the long run, there were a lot of grammar and spelling errors in it to.
so you get 3.5 stars from me.
95631
yeah, i have a habit of knowing how i want something to end, rather than knowing how it should begin, so i wrote each chapter backwords.
This is a good idea for a story, and it's almost there, but the typos REALLY detract from everything. The dialogue needs a bit of sprucing up too, it's too bland and infinitely expected. Keep trying man, just smooth out some rough edges and you're sure to be a good writer!
95742 myfacewhen.net/uploads/1727-i-know-that-feel.png
Happens to me all the time. Except for writing the chapters backwards.
This was actually pretty good. A bit more detail couldn't hurt though.
For example, instead of simply "her heart broken in two" you could use something like "Her heart shattered in half."
The story's just awesome. There were some mistakes grammatically, and some in spelling too (it took me a few seconds to work out that "dispirit" was "desperate") but other then that it was fine. You may want a pre-reader, since after you've written a chapter, your brain can skim over some mistakes easily.
That was unbelievably cute.
Though it REALLY needs more detail.
"Oh my God..." twilight said as her eyes grew, her hooves covering her mouth.
That doesn't really seem like something a pony would say.
Maybe, "Dear Celestia!" or something like that.
It would also help the flow of the story if you wrote out 'two' instead of 2.
This almost feels like the second or third chapter in a series. Starting out with Scootaloo attempting to fly and building tension up to her injury would set the stage and build emotion nicely. As is it feels like pure exposition with no pathos. You also need to keep an eye on little things like getting your capitalization and commas right. It seems like a small thing, but fixing it can really help your readers from being jerked out of the story.
Good concept, it just needs some padding and polishing.
I love the plot. I love the idea of the Elements of Harmony having those powers. I love the whole 'adoption' thing.
List of things I don't like.
1. Using Fallow instead of Follow.
Fallow means: (of land) plowed and left unseeded for a season or more; uncultivated.
OR not in use; inactive
2. I do NOT think Scootaloo would refer to anypony as "mommy" Even Dash.
3. The ending. Scootaloo can suddenly fly now?
4. The characters reactions to situations. Mouth agape, Mouth agape, Mouth agape. It's redundant and takes away from the story.
5. It's too short. I would have loved seeing this as a ten chapter thing. I think it could have easily happened.
95878
yeah, i have a habit of writing things quickly so i don't forget my main concept. Eventually i go back an re-write things, but for the most part i let a lot of things slide cuz iv never been good with grammar for some reason.
But thank you everyone whose commented and gave constructive criticism.
I'm sure you could get someone to help you edit your stories or something related to that. I've seen it done in other fics, and it works well from what I've seen.
You should make a sequel to this sometime. I'd love to see how Scootaloo learns to fly, how much Rainbow Dash's life is affected, how it impacts on not being able to spend as much time with her friends due to Scootaloo, those kinds of things.
It's a good start, you just gotta Capitalize a few of the names i.e. Dash & Scoot, it's just a minor thing but it bus me
. other than that great start
It was a great concept, just poorly executed. And I think maybe this story would work better with a sad ending, because that would set this story apart from the rest, and a nice lesson is learned.
.
Scootaloo was way out of character, she wouldn't call anyone mommy. I can't even see her saying Mom. That's something I'd expect from
The grammar really threw me off. I was always good at grammar and English class came easy to me, so to see someone who struggles with it is kind of strange, but that's just me being biased.
I give this story 3.0 stars. Great concept.
95878
Fallow means: (of land) plowed and left unseeded for a season or more; uncultivated.
For some reason, that made me think of dirty things
I like the basic concept here, but the execution of it was... jarring. The beginning was very rushed, and I felt like I was playing catch-up through the first chapter or two. Aside from that, I would highlight pacing and detail as the two areas with room for improvement. Slow your story down, and let us take the emotional journey with Dash and Scootaloo, instead of having it happen all at once. Also, adding details would improve things leaps and bounds. More specifics about how Scootaloo got hurt, for instance. And the Luna Ex Machina needed some more explanation - which 3 elements did she use? Why those three, and in that order? How did being on the moon teach her to use them?
I encourage you to keep writing, and try to improve your craft.
Rushed..
96022 It should, Darkfur. It should.
So CUTE!!!
Cute but OH GOD THE GRAMMAR
it was good but to short
I would have loved to hear about the journey to Canterlot. This was way too rushed.
Adopted in a snap? Is there not paperwork?
Cheezepuff, put it on paper, then type. It helps.
Great story, however the spelling and grammatical errors detract from the overall feel of it, for me at least. This is probably because I am a static.planetminecraft.com/files/resource_media/screenshot/1204/Grammar_Nazis____The_Motivator_by_ZlayaHozyayka_1323731.jpg
The resolution seemed a bit "out of the blue". The phrase "Deus Ex Machina" comes to mind, although it may not actually apply.