• Member Since 26th Sep, 2011
  • offline last seen Apr 1st, 2012

DeeJay Pon3


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The new Ponyville Park opens, yet Scootaloo finds her friends are busy with their sisters. Scootaloo goes home depressed, not knowing where she fits in. But one morning, Scootaloo discovers happyness from something she did not expect...


This is my first Fan Fiction, so I would love *Constructive* Critisism, suggestions, pointed out grammar errors and such, and I'll update it.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 46 )

:pinkiecrazy: You see all those paragraphs? Could you put an extra line break in-between them? The indent simply isn't enough, so the whole story is bunched together and it's a chore to read. In addition, ideally, a new paragraph should be created after any character speaks or thinks. This is a collection of very large paragraphs with several lines of dialogue within them, and that's just improper. See any of my stories if you want an idea of what I'm talking about. There should also probably be a literal line of some sort (like: -----) to denote a large scene change or time skip, such as the parts when Scootaloo goes to sleep and is later awoken further along in time. Enter Key, Enter Key, -----, Enter Key, Enter Key, resume story. I myself use several line breaks to denote those jumps, but that's just me.

Aside from that, the story is decent, and cute! The plot moves a little fast at time, but that's not a huge issue. It also served to remind me of my own Dash/Scootaloo fic that I need to write in the future. I indeed spotted various grammar, spelling & punctuation errors throughout the story... :trixieshiftright: Not bad for a first try, though. :scootangel: You just need to find a good editor and have them iron out your stories before posting, or read up on storybuilding yourself and be your own editor.

Hmm, it seemed like Fluttershy would become her surrogate sister for a bit in the middle, but it's still great!

6778

Thanks ScyStorm! I'll update it after I'm done with work today. I never thought of doing that, and you're right it does look like a chore to read now that you pointed it out. I'll be sure to check your stories out, too :)

Not bad at all, never really read many Scootaloo stories but this one was very heartwarming.

Adorable, heart warming, and all together a fun read. I would really enjoy reading more of your work, keep it up!:pinkiehappy:

8929

Thank you very much! I'm working on a few more stories, so it shouldn't take long :twilightsmile:

D'awwww! *group hugs!*

I was enjoying the story, and then I hit the end and... :fluttercry: So sweet!

And it does read better with the breaks.

#8 · Oct 11th, 2011 · · ·

homeless Scootaloo is the best Scootaloo :)

Hellz yah very heart warming, for your first try you did great keep it up and if you need a pproofreader im your man

16335

Hey thanks dude! I'm writing another story and a proof reader would be awesome! Thanks for letting me know =]

Pyros Overall grade for Big Sister by DeeJay Pon3 : 5/5

met my expectations real well
i hope to see this story continue

Hey, I gotta say that Scootalove has been lacking, and the void was filled by this story! I like Scoots, but I really feel for her here. Also, for Pyros: I looooooooooooooove air! :heart::heart::heart::trollestia::moustache::yay:

An adorable one shot, short and sweet. 4.8/5 but since i cant rate that specifically, i'll just put 5/5:derpytongue2:

Very nice story I give it A 8/10 it would be 10/10 but it only one chapter thats too short for a good story, keep up the good work can't wait for the next thing you write.

23759

It's one chapter because its SUPPOSED to be a short story. That's how I wrote it to be. But thanks anyways I'm glad you liked it.

Short stories like these make me melt

23759 I heartily disagree. You can tell a good story in 3,000 words. Hell, you could tell a story in 1,000 if you wrote it write. It's like the saying goes "Is not the size that matters, it's how you use it."

in fact, one of the most moving pony fics i've read was about 1,400 words long. It's called 'The Circle of Friends'.
Another great examp

This is a short story, not an epic.

28249
I like your explanation better ^^

I always find it a little sad that Scoots never has family(I'm just hoping they fix that in the show), but it fits the story so.

All in all a good heart warming story. Bonus points all around for a happy ending.

A true heartwarming story:fluttercry::raritycry::heart::heart::heart:

Aaaaaawwww :rainbowkiss::pinkiesad2:
5/5
-Glassed

:rainbowdetermined2: Rainbow Dash approves

to quote Jim Carreys Grinch 'im all toasty inside' thats how i felt after reading this piece of literary art

Is good to see Scootaloo taken seriously for a change, and good to see Rainbow Dash being nice. I approve, mightily.

And don't you be listening to folks telling you its too short to make a good story. Some of my favourite stories in existence are short stories with no continuation. Like this one, for instance.

You know, after so much episodes of the show I really wondered, why doesn't any of the show's main pegasi have any family. It's quite sad. Applejack's family is quite big, and a small portion of it lives together on the farm (it's strange too, actually: AJ lives with her brother, little sister and their granny but her own parents are nowhere to be seen). Twilight's parents are safe and sound somewhere in Canterlot. Pinkie Pie's family stayed on the rock farm. Rarity's parents were depicted once, though they seem to live in Ponyville or somewhere near, as Sweetie Belle attends Ponyville Elementary and often visits Rarity.
But what about the pegasi? Fluttershy seemed to left Cloudsdale when she fell during the pegasi race. And it seems she stayed in Ponyville. What the hay? Wasn't she a little filly then? Has none of her parents came down looking for her? Did she have any parents? Are they still alive?
Rainbow Dash seems too independent and free for the family concept. If she has any, she's never even mentioned it. Nor her parents, any possible siblings or other relatives. It would seem be weird, though, if they stated that she has some long lost brother or sister that late in the show.
Scootaloo seems to be in the similar situation. Your fic actually fits nice with the sad and lonely image of the main pegasi that seems to be portrayed in the show. The way you did it, you actually kill two birds with one stone (that's an awful expression, by the way :fluttershbad: ) - give RD her younger sister, and homeless Scootalo gets her big sister/parent replacement, whatever you call it. Both of them should be happy now. :scootangel::rainbowkiss:

Really Awesome!

Very good! Great job

In the title, you spelled happiness happYness. You might want to change that.:pinkiehappy:

Rainbow Dash is a great Mom to Scootaloo. This, "Mothers", and "Family Mares", proves it. I really wish this was canon.

Wow so many comments. Thank you all I'm glad you like this! Even though it is my first haha. I'll write another some day even though I'm no longer a brony. But it's nice to know that I made some of you feel warm and fuzzy from this :).

MAGNIFICENT MICROWAVE!!!!!! i love it so much!! :scootangel::rainbowkiss:

:scootangel: Cute :D
Some spelling errors: i.e midway at Fluttershy's you spelled her name Flutteryshy.
Flows a little too fast, albeit It doesn't affect the read too badly
The breaks where scoots goes to bed work well, but try either fleshing them out a bit more. or changing them slightly. For instance the Final sleep before being awoken by rainbow dash. If rainbow was following then she couldn't be asleep too long at all. so rather than have her sleep. perhaps have her attempt to hide from someone entering the clubhouse, just an idea.

Enjoyed the read. thanks

This was a nice, heartwarming story. Well played, sir

Great read mate!:pinkiehappy:

This is great. :raritystarry: In fact it inspired me to continue with my fic that involves Scootaloo. (not as the main character though). I get inspired by the most random things...
It's got a couple of errors, though. If you want I can point 'em out, but not tonight. :ajsleepy:

reading this for the umpteenth time and as ever its a well-spun yarn, though admittedly im not overfond of the 'homeless Scootaloo' schtick

Amazing however if I could change one thing I make Scootaloo more sensitive about talking about her parents and Rainbow dash has to encourage her to talk about it.

I didn't know Rainbow Dash became the new Applejack with her saying “yer” all the time.
Applejack: That's MAH line!

I love the story although the pacing was a little fast.

"I don’t want to mooch off of other ponies." - it was first uttered, and what we see at the end. Logical...

D'awwww

If I was Rainbow Dash and found her out in the clubhouse. I would tell her "You live out here, you're a loser and dead to me."

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