Scootaloo need a place to stay the night, but Rainbow Dash has some other plans.
Things aren't easy for Scoot. When all people in ones life that should be there for you fail to, it's easy to believe you are the root of the problem. And does loyalty mean you succeed all the time, or just that you will try your best. And what if your best isn't good enough?
Update 2013-03-05: After a lot of thinking I realized there was more stories to tell here. So stay tuned. It will be something different but will incorporate Scootaloo and the things happening in Good Enough. And it will tie together somewhere up ahead.
A big thanks to LupoMikti who helped with proofreading.
Chapters (1)
I really like the story, but between the swearing and the one 'suicidal thoughts' scene, dontcha think it should be rated "Teen"?
nice story, GREAT story.
What do you mean happy-sad ending? It was a happy ending. At least scoots didn't die like in other stories.
1339127 No, but they didn't live happily ever after either. People hurt each other, even if they care about each other.
But yes, I imagine this made Dash realize how important she actually is to Scoot.
1339089
Thanks for the positive criticism.
I also changed the rating to Teen. I didn't really get the rating system at first, thought you had to add "Sex" or "Gore", and as my story had neither I didn't rate it at all. Now when you mentioned it it dawned on me you could rate it Teen for other reason too.
1339099
Interesting, but you need to work on your dialogue skills. Rule number 1: New speaker, new paragraph.
1339377 Shall look into it, you know any good resources on the topic of writing dialogue?
A decent story. I recommend breaking your paragraphs down into smaller ones, however. Especially at the end, it's a gigantic wall of text. A paragraph is four or five sentences usually, then you indent twice. You also indent when someone new is talking through dialogue :3
1339539
You should get a prereader/editor. Someone would be able to edit.
Search the group "Proofreaders and people willing to proofread".
Good story. You seem to have drawn the whole scootalove community to it.
mr.dulldawn there will be other chapters yes?
SAY YES
A few things to work on for the future:
1) Tense. You keep changing between present and past tense mid-sentence, your narrator needs consistency.
2) Italics during dialogue: distracting. You don't need to italicize the spoken word, quotion marks will do.
3) A couple of to/too erros, and I think you used "this" instead of "thus" at one point.
3a) There are also instances of "was" where it should be "were," and I think you also used "weren't" where you should have used "wasn't."
4) Your descriptions of Twilight and Dash seem a smidge OOC, I know RD was drunk and that explains her perosnality quirks, but it seemed odd to me that she would even suspect Twi of "creeping." Of course it could be a refrence to something else that I'm missing. Dash, meanwhile, I very much doubt would be so openly hostile. "Why are we even friends..." is not something I think would be heard from the element of loyalty. It's not a sin to change the already written character to fit your story, but they either have to maintain truth-to-canon and be modified for the environemnt, or they have to be drastiaclly altered, otherwise it comes across as strange.
Overall it was an enjoyable story, I'd curious to see more of this fanon, at least 3 of 6 knowing Scootaloo is homeless with each taking her in one night at a time. It's an uncommon dynamic. Additionally, you've setup your Dash for some nice character growth. Keep at it. :moustach:
1341336
First of all, thanks A LOT for this, this is the first piece of fiction I have written in another language and while I regard myself as reasonable proficient in English it was much harder to write prose than I imagined. All feedback are greatly appreciated.
Noted. I plan a major overhaul when I have got the time.
This is probably my English failing, I shall try to spot them and correct it.
Here we are on a more artistic domains, so I will try to explain my thought behind it.
What Rainbow calls "creeping" are what Twilight calls field studies. I imagined she had quite a sheltered upbringing in Canterlot and might not have encountered really drunk ponies at all. How does Twilight handle something she doesn't know anything about? Other ponies might have hit the local bar and got drunk. Twilight however, conducts a scientific study on the subject.
She are also no stranger of using her friends as research subject, just look at her behavior in "Feeling pinky keen". She basically turns Pinkie into a lab rat when unable to get to the bottom of the subject.
You might be right in that Rainbow comes off a little harsh. But this was my reasoning.
1. Rainbow is a loudmouth, she talks big even when she really has no intent to follow up on her threats. She would obv. never rip of twilight horn, it's just her talking smack.
2. This is set in a "grown up" Equestria. Where ponies drink, swear, and it's not only hinted that Scootaloo comes from a troubles household.
3. Rainbow is drunk.
This is what the story was intended to convey, and adding a little humor to lighten up the story. I personally found the idea of Twilight lying in a bush to document Rainbow Dash's drinking- and sexual habits trying to grasp why ponies like alcohol to be quite hilarious. Especially compiling a scientific report and publish in completely unaware of why this would be inappropriate.
I personally wouldn't know where to take the story. The reason I wrote it was to explore how Dash wouldn't be a very good sister in an "adult poniverse" without stretching the canon too much. Also, both Rarity and Applejack would probably just take her in, let her and SB or AB play a little before tucking them to bed. Not much of a story in that. In other words, it was intended to be a short story, if I get any sudden inspiration of course I will build on it but at the moments I have nothing more to tell in this little slice of life. Also, I really suck at coming up with stories. Most shit I write suddenly exist in my head right before I fall asleep. I think a little about it and forget half of it before waking up the next day. I maybe write down some notes and it may become a story. But this happen rarely and apart from that I couldn't produce something readable if I had a gun to my head.
Once again,
4 feedback.
Best. Confusing. Scootaloo. Story. EVER!
Poor Scootaloo.
I enjoyed it but think she needs to find a good home. Which I guess she did.
someone needs to make this into a full story maybe dash taking in and adopting scoots.
That was quite a powerful story. Even if your English isn't that great, people will enjoy your stories as long as you keep on having good ideas like this.
2119156
Glad you liked it, I also got a someone to proofread for me now so the worst flaws should be corrected.
Glad to see you're adding more to it. I like to think your working hard on it but just in case...hurry the rut up.
When IS the next chapter due?
when will this get updated?
3592269 Try Never.
3241609 Try there is no next chapter.
5770970
You replied to comment that was two years old... Which what I'm doing right now...