- Member Since 6th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 15th, 2022
Fimbulvinter
Yea, I'm a writer and I occasionally freelance as an editor or collaborator.
Fimbulvinter
Joined 6th Jan, 2012 ·
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That is all.
I hope you are aware that you WIL get a lot of thumbs simply because M/M and M/M/M
I have to say that i don't fancy M/M and M/M/M myslef, but this story is wel written. I'll jsut pretend i never got the content and thumb it for the grammar
You have a lot of work to do, but that said it wasn't the worst clop I've ever read. Get an editor though.
The plot, the grammar, the whole thing is just... it's...
what... the... fuck...
greendogpetsupply.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/do-not-want-dog.jpg
You use commas an awful lot, among other errors.
1487403>>1487424>>1487457 Specific examples?
pics.livejournal.com/nami86/pic/006x0qz4
1487481
Should be
While all had been bliss at the start of their marriage (the rescue sex had been fantastic), now it often simply felt like they were going through the motions as a matter of course; not because they felt any passion for each other. He still loved Cadance, but the spark of their love had faded and he was not sure how to get it back.
For instance.
1487481 Look, I'm alright with incest... but father son incest...
No... I don't think so, and fyi, you need a damn editor... Badly.
1487481 he had his beloved bride (should be "and")
Crystal Empire, and spending less (comma is necessary)
of role play, and would (again)
, he knew where the spare keys were kept. (should be a separate sentence)
the downstairs area (what?)
I'd go over more but I don't think embarrassing you in the comments is a nice thing to do. Like I said, get an editor for your next story. Sometimes you just miss things.
1487500 A Comment with advice I can actually use, rather than simply DAFUQ
Thank you.
1487602 Light critic needs to stop being so nice. This was disturbing and you know it!
So, Shining walks in, sees his dad fucking another male, simply resolves to thinking that his dad may be gay, and starts rubbing his cock in turn. What's wrong with this picture?
Many, many things.
First, imagine yourself coming home from school one day. You discover your father ramming his penis into the anus of another man, despite being married to your mother. Would you say, "Gee Wilkers, Dad is gay," and then proceed to use the occasion of his sexual intercourse with another man to stimulate your own sexual cravings? I'll tell you up front: unless you have known that your dad fucks men when your mom is away, and have witnessed it before, you would be in absolute shock. You would NOT start jacking yourself off -- especially three sentences after you discover your daddy's Big Daddy in another dude's chute.
Now, clop can be mostly devoid of plot for purpose, but never absolutely null of it. Some missing elements of plot in this story: Shining's shocked reaction to what he has witnessed; a story of how Soarin even hooked up with his dad; and how an originally straight stallion suddenly turns on a dime to be homosexual or bisexual (unless he IS bisexual in this story? If so, where is the plot that describes this and gives it purposeful significance?)
It lacks a tension of any kind. Successful erotic literature generally builds up a story with less sexually involved plot elements, only to release the characters in question to fuck in the end. When readers build an attachment of any sort with two or more characters, the sex that ensues is greatly more arousing than two or more undeveloped, namesake characters. With such a short, uninvolved tension found in you story, it is nigh impossible to achieve such an effect.
Overall, it's grammatically consistent, albeit filled with run on sentences and persistent passive voicing; it's a concept that could work with a stronger backbone; and it's a story that you can possibly make successful with a rethinking of the plot and much editing. Incest stories can be quite successful on FimFiction, as they're not as taboo as you think (I know this firsthand,) but it comes down to taking an idea for an orgy and surrounding it with an engaging story. Good luck to you if you choose to give this another go.
(excuse my bad grammar, I'm neither on an actual computer nor did I have much time to write this out.)
1487651
Absolutely nothing.
You magnificent person you
1487671
Assuming this is a claim that I am simply opposed to the homosexuality of the arrangement, that is not at all my point. A M/M/M could give me a wicked boner if it were done coherently.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbanntioMK1rb0viwo5_400.gif
1487705 Yeah, refering to my first comment 1487289 I put that on all clop, regardless of whether or not I read it. Judging by the comments, i probably shouldn't.
1487705
Does this count?
I do not care about grammar errors! I loved it! Thumbs up!
I don't care for M/M, but I still dropped a thumb up your bum.
I actually was waiting for this... why though?
1488529
Glad you enjoyed it
1489030
Don't question it, just enjoy it.
1488707
M/M Isn't for everyone. I can respect that. at least you didn't just auto-down it purely based on topic.
Very good!
I think you need a sequel which includes another one of Shining Armor's in-laws: Prince Blueblood!
1491180 I hate auto-downers, I think they suffer from thumbs-down syndrome.
Me? I've only down voted two fics, and one is a fic me and my friend Mama Luigi wrote together that was completely terrible, because it's a shitfic making fun of an Alicorn OC. We were bored.
1491210 High praise from the master himself.
A follow up when they all discuss what the hell just happened is needed, but may be some time off. Currently both Uni work and my other story in progress 'Trixie - saviour of all Equestria' are taking up much of my time.
(And yes, that is a shameless plug for my other work)
1491222 My policy is simple.
If I thumbs down a story, I will give a detailed reason for why, and how it can be overcome.
simply saying 'your grammar/story/idea/character/insert random topic here SUCKS' helps no-one. the author learns nothing this way, and the cycle repeats. Always provide some constructive criticism if down voting.
1491242 Yeah, the other story I down-voted had grammar so terrible, I was able to finally read SPIDERSES without cringing at all the errors; compared to the fic I'd read half of the first paragraph for, SPIDERSES was fucking Shakespeare.
I left the author a detailed reason, an edited version of what I had been able to read, and I told him/her to PM me if they needed an editor.
They never replied.
Umm...
cdn.crushable.com/files/2012/08/mal-what.gif
WTF WAS THAT!
I'm not going to Dislike... << >> ...but I'm also not going to take it off of my read later list...
1491272 And I can respect that. Thanks for not just blindly hating it.
1491278
I don't have time to hate. Except for the people who hate MLP no matter what. and Nazis, but pretty much everyone hates them. I'm just hoping you do a Twilight walking in on her mom and Cadance doing it. Pretty much a better, female, version of this one.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/23714901.jpg
1491297 I have toyed with a similar idea. Why do you think Cadance married Shining Armour in the first place, if not to get closer to Twi
They have even admitted that as one of the reasons for the marriage in the show, so you know its canon.
It would be an intresting case study in gender bias to see how people react to the same basic plot using mares rather than stallions
Also, is that Nathan Fillion in your GIF?
1491334
Hmm...
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/24822080.jpg
Well, it was not bad, but it was too quick for me, and a little more plot wouldn't hurt. (see what I did there?
)
Anyway, thumbs up!
1491492 Cheers for the thumbs and fav
The actual sex is meant to only be about 15-20 minutes long, just quick sloppy mindless fucking with nopony actually thinking too hard about it.
I am going to do a follow up, in which Shining comes to his senses and forces Orion to own up to everything and admit how he got started with Soarin', so plot elements (Both kinds) will feature more in that one. This one was just really just practice for writing mindless clop material.
Hot! I'm not sure how so many readers could thumbs it down, there was only a few spelling errors. Thumbs up! Great quick read, although that mayo sandwich? Gave me the shivers.
i'm glad you actually did an warning in the text it self
because then no one was offended... even though SosukeRyou was disgusted by it... somehow
but no offend i didn read only because Gay'ish stuff i strongly try to avoid
Here's why I dislike...I think there is very little chance Shining would cheat on Cadence...as their love seems very complete
1491180
You are a very good writer. Think you could toss me some tips? Lately I have been getting...weird thoughts I guess. I kinda want to write clopfics but don't think it is a good idea with my lack of writing skill.
1491927 I've been editing it multiple times since release. it was originally a total mess of spelling mistakes. As for the mayo, I had to try and outdo BleedingEquine, who had Twilight using cum as a sauce for pancakes.
1491992 In-text warnings are important. not everybody clicks on the 'more' button in the description or bothers to read it at all. this is just covering all my bases.
1492058 A Legit Critisism. Suspension of Disbelief is required for this story. Don't think about it, just go with it.
1492902 If you want some tips, Toss me up a PM with your ideas and i'll see what I can do.
1493471 okay now that I have to read!
After 24 hours of this story being posted it has
250 views (Wooooo)
An almost even like/dislike ratio
almost more comments that all my other stories combined.
I wasn't sure what I expected from this story, being such a taboo topic. Reactions have been very mixed ranging from 'DAFUQ did I just read' through to 'cool story brah'. Overall I do not regret writing this story, but should have waited longer to flesh out plot structure and check for errors. To anyone who read it in its original unedited form, I am sorry.
Where should things go from here? Should Orion confess all to Dazzle. Should Shining try to include others into a sexy times 4-way?
Or should they all simply keep it a secret from everypony for as long as they can?
1494184 SEXY FOUR WAY!
Sexiest yaoi I have read in awhile. I love it.
Would it be cool if you could done between shining armor and a couple of royal guards? And shing armor's the plot of it all?
1495583 maybe later in the sequel. this story was based on a picture of Shining, Soarin' and Orion, so no royal guards as yet.
plus Shining doing the guards has been mentioned a few times in other stories, I wanted to do something original.
The closest I could find to Shining/Orion yaoi was the story 'A day called estrous' in which Twilight has sex with her father, and Shining with his mother.
1495658 okay, but i seriously encourage it. As perverted as it is, i have a pic of it.
I just finished readint it, and I have two separete reactions, first is:
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/052/082/1240393095655.jpg
because the story is quite good and honestly its not that bad once you finish it, BUT im still feeling this pretty much since im not gay or bisexual, second is:
css.rollin.lv/files/1359/dafuq-is-this-shit.jpg
1496793 If you can link me the pic, I may be able to base something off it in the next story. I need something to get the muse working.
1497273 Neither am I. I wrote this partly to try and do something way out of my comfort zone, and I think it came out fairly well. Also your second pic didn't link, but from the context I assume it was something along the line of 'DO NOT WANT'
1497317 almost XD, its Snape and his infamous Dafuq is this shit meme, also I love reading stories, gay, lesbian, comedy, romance, whatever, as long as the story is good I will like it! and its petty good as I already told you, great job, also you could make a continuation of the fic A day Called Estrous due to the quality you wrote this fic right here
1497317 i'm glad on your behalf