That_One_Brony
Joined 18th Nov, 2011 ·
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Eww, this story gay.
(Didn't dislike or like)
996174 Why yes. Yes it is. And thank you
It's written pretty well, why the so many dislikes fimfction?
996278
Oh I don't have a problem with it or anything, and i did like it i just wanted to see what you would say
AWSOME!!! Needs more detale though...
Nice to see the coltcuddlers getting some love! Err .. so to speak.
996280 Homophobes?
img.ponibooru.org/_images/c0abc682107bbf100f47498932ed0ac1/13050%20-%20Lyra%20ew_gay.png
Nice. Very nice.
Interesting story
first gay story i see around here (most of them are lesbian)
The only think i disliked a bit was the fact that the narrative was a bit confused
From now on, I will use the word gay instead of awesome. It's gonna be so gay!
Short, not badly written, not bad at all.
Givin it a like and wishin ya luck with your writings
this was funny but usally i dont like homosexual stuff but this was funny well u get 3/5 moustaches
I came to this.
We need more yaoi.
I didn't realize this was your work until the comments.
Still, you are awesome. There are no other good M/M clopfics on this site, and yours are great!
I did notice though that in the genderswap scene you used the word "fiancée" and at the end "wife" so, you may want to correct one of them; not that it really affects any af this wonderful piece.
I'm now officially an avid fan of your work.
For Great Justice!
1060268 Thank you for the support. If you haven't already, watch me and check out some of my other stuff.
Also I fixed the error, thanks for catching that.
For great justice!
i just had to read this after seeing this was gay porn.
you really wrote it well.
i almost had a boner.
I'm not even gay and it turned me on... thumbs up
1238207
1238537
Umm...Thank you?
1239006
they call me mad. i wanted to see how long i could last before quiting.
Turai is a big pervert.
Turai wants to see a sequel to this.
>> How the hay could I possibly make a legit sequel to this?
WTF did I just read.
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/255/5/1/the_horrid_truth_by_underpable-d5eixi8.jpg
1271616
Dat pic
1354502
Thank you.
1355749 dat pic
Dat pic dat pic dat pic ERROR 361 infinite loop detected rebooting from last save point
Reboot process complete
Ur welcome
Do want
Interesting, but at too many points I found myself confused about who was doing what to whom, and had to stop and go back and re-read, throwing off the mood. All the information is there, but it could be presented a bit more clearly.
1547495 Interesting advice. Could you point out a few of the particularly confusing points so I can get an idea about what you mean?
The mention of the lowered head immediately made me think of oral, and the "push back" threw me for a few seconds, until I realised what was happening. Shining was already in a position to suck off one changeling, so lowering his head seems like it would make it more difficult for the next one.
First, it should be "of" not "at", but how can Shining look at his duplicate? From the descriptions that come before, his duplicate is behind him, penetrating him, while Shining is fellating two changelings in front of him. How exactly do you look at a guy behind you without turning your head around?
I thought "he" referred to the duplicate, so I was confused as to when he managed to get himself another changeling partner.
The exact opposite problem here. "He" is really ambiguous.
Wouldn't it be more accurate to say "behind"?
So, and only now, I'm thinking that Shining is on his back? I had assumed he was more upright, and there isn't anything that makes his position particularly clear. Sorry, but I assume a certain default for equines.
Oh, OK, he is on his back. It would've been so much more helpful to just see that mentioned earlier.
Ummm... never mind. Actually, what the hell is Shining doing to get cum on his chest and his back?
This was difficult to picture. If someone is "between" two ponies, then how are those two ponies doing each other? What I finally got from this is that Shining is fellating Dusk, and Bolero is penetrating Shining while soft of leaning over/beside Shining to reach Dusk with his mouth. It's really Shining that is "between" Bolero and Dusk.
If the stallion is doing Shining from behind, the hooves would not be "in front of" Shining - unless the other stallion is huge. Hooves in front implies stallion in front. Otherwise the hooves should be "beside" or "on either side".
In general, "above" was really confusing because, to me, the word implies a separation, and since changelings can fly, every time I saw that word I assumed that's what was happening. I would replace those with instances "on top of", which implies contact, or just "behind" to get a better sense of where everyone is.
1547806 You offered a lot of good advice. When I get the time I might go look back at that first group scene and touch it up a bit, and I'll take that bit about the word above into account for future stories.
Also to clear up some ambiguities for your viewing pleasure. Bolero and Shining are missionary on their sides in front of Dusk while simultaneously fellating him, and yes the stallion topping him was suppose to be huge.
The positioning for the first scene was difficult, but basically Shining is standing while fellating the beetles in front of him, but he moves forward a bit and one cums on his chest. As for the back
quote "The duplicate pulled out just before the finish" end quote.
For some reason I keep coming back to this story. It was a very nice idea, but truth be told, I found the execution a bit lacking. I hope you don't mind a little bit more criticism/suggestions?
The thing I mentioned about getting confused with positioning can be solved if your descriptions focus more on absolutes instead of relatives. For example "laid down beside the pink stallion" could be "laid down on his side facing the pink stallion" and you get a much clearer description at the cost of three additional words.
It gets even better if you can effectively hide such information in descriptions of other things, such as physical reactions. Something like "X caused him to shudder and almost fall off his hooves" describes physical intensity, but also makes the bodily position clear.
I do have one more point of confusion. Shining was supposed to feed nine changelings, correct? But I got the counts at 4 + 2 + 2 = 8. Was Tityus the ninth? It didn't seem like it.
Grammar errors: You have a bunch.
"“Is something wrong ambassador,” he asked prompting both Blueblood’s to turn to him." -> Needs a question mark in the quote, and make it "bluebloods"; lower-case and no apostrophe. The pun is wonderful, but keep it on the correct side.
"“We’re to be given as gifts correct,”" -> add a comma before "correct" and a question mark after.
"Assuming the peasants didn’t overfeed," -> "don't"
"The plan was to have the three assigned to feed off of you to come to you at night." -> no grammar problems, but I'd add "each" in there to make it clear that it was 3*3 changelings, not just 3, as I read it at first.
"Which one of you will is willing to take one for the team?" -> Extra "will".
"You can’t seriously be agreeing to this whole thing," -> Question mark.
"he just barely finished the letter to Cadence." -> "he had just finished"
"All four of they were the same black beetle" -> "them"
"didn’t last particularly long however. As Shining broke it" -> comma instead of a period; this is one sentence.
"He wasn’t given much time to breath though." -> "breathe"
"from the pair in front of him and glance upward" -> Either "and glanced" or "to glance".
"soaked with the beetles ejaculate" -> "beetles' ejaculate"
"had faded, strangely enough, he was" -> SHould be a new sentece starting at "Strangely".
"that the false Cadence, wanted Shining to get the full front of the purple stallions burst" -> get rid of this comma, "stallion's"
"Shining smiled as he wandered upon this revelation," -> "Wondered"?
"He immediately recognize the white one" -> "recognized"
"until every last squirt had finished. After which they finally pulled out" -> comma instead of a period; this is one sentence.
"You’re men will handle the next night." -> "Your"
1553304 Thank you for your input and the notes about grammar mistakes. Once again, I will take the positioning advice into account more for future stories than this one, but I do appreciate the advice nonetheless.
And to answer your question; yes, Tityus was the last one he was supposed to feed. Tityus merely did not take the opportunity and let him rest.
That said please allow me to correct, or at least contest, a couple of your corrections.
"“Is something wrong ambassador,” he asked prompting both Blueblood’s to turn to him." -> Needs a question mark in the quote, and make it "bluebloods"; lower-case and no apostrophe. The pun is wonderful, but keep it on the correct side. This one is mostly right, but I'm fairly certain that "Bluebloods" needs to remain capitalized as it is still a proper noun in this context.
"Assuming the peasants didn’t overfeed," -> "don't" Given the way Tityus describes the hypothetical situation, this tense is actually correct.
"Shining smiled as he wandered upon this revelation," -> "Wondered"? Wandered is correct in this context. However to avoid the confusion caused here I have replaced it with the less odd word "happened"
The rest, however, were spot on. I must say I'm embarrassed by the number of typos I made, but I suppose that's just a reminder to look over my work more closely in the future. Again, thank you for your help.
1553710 OK, that clears up the ninth changeling business.
I don't see how Blueblood is a proper noun, unless Tityus's last name is Blueblood. You're using it as a class, like you use "princes" later on. It's just a common noun.
I think you're right about "didn't"; I'm not perfect either.
"Wandered" was indeed correct; The question mark was supposed to be a "Is this maybe what you meant instead?" rather than "Fix this." but it was late and I didn't express myself well. I'm actually not sure why I called it out at all; I knew it could be correct with either word. Sorry.
1555047 No need to apologize. I was just sending in those clarifications in order to make sure I was thinking properly. Once again, thank you for your input. I suppose you're probably right about the Blueblood as a common noun business if only because I should stay consistent. For some reason I always think of the Prince in Prince Blueblood as a title rather than a name, so I kind of treated them both differently.
996278
YEAH!!! Shining Armor is seemingly, I hope you caught that one, turning into a changeling!!! AWESOME!
~~~~~~ Spoiler alert!!! ~~~~~~~~
I interpreted this as if he is turning into a changeling!
2201769 he is totaly turing to a changeling
I feel bad for just skimming over some of your stories.
But I just want to get to the good part, I guess. 
2645938
Don't feel bad. You like what you like. Just please show your appreciation by favoriting the ones you really like and following if you like alot of them.
interesting concept but disappointing that there's not more to this XD
or any other stories!
anyway it was good hope to maybe see one with candance instead of shining sometime X3
a lot*