That_One_Brony
Joined 18th Nov, 2011 ·
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Still a better love story then Twilight...
i really like this pairing of Spike and Big Mac, good job, want moar!
788304
In all honesty, I agree with this.
YUS!
I'm a Straight Christian male and...
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/21467398.jpg
Is that a bad thing?
>>RohanSpartan
Not at all. Don't cling to your religion or sexuality that strongly. This was a great story, and you can't have any fun reading it if you let ignorance hold you back. The fact that your even on a Brony site means you're not bending to the will of the crowd, you don' t have to hide here.
792860
Thanks for that. Hell, I've been a member of this site for about a month or so and I've watched the first 18 episodes of season 1.
788162
O rly?
solomontracy.livetogod.com/wp-content/plugins/clocky/mlp-twilight-sparkle-human-i18.jpg
This my be worth continuing, if only for closure.
For Great Justice!
great story...nig mac and spike make a good couple
1270064 Sums up the story pretty well.
905026
For that picture:
captionsearch.com/pix/thumb/pijobf4e8h-t.jpg
1275117
No
1275382
This one-shot has a better romance than that abomination of a book series known as the Twilight Saga. I swear if someone here develops time travel, PLEASE go back in time and kill the author so we will be spared the crap books and movies. Unless, her death causes some unseen side effect that ends up being worse than the existence of the books and movies.
1276503
Obviously, you don't get the jest of the picture. The user said "Still a better love story than Twilight" so I replied with a MLP version of a book cover with the phrase "O rly?" Since nobody else replied, I assume that you are the only one who doesn't get it? Now, go calm your rage-boner elsewhere.
1277024
I don't get rage-boners. I get wing-boners. From clopfics like this.
I'm right there with you spartan. I feel no attraction to guys, but I could be gay for ponies no question. I think. I've never thought to heavily about what the difference is, all I know is boner says "Stallions Yes, Dudes: No."
This is amazing!
+
=
Good story
If the talk between Rarity and Twilight didn't lead to a talk between Twilight and Spike, it just seems pointless.
2534285
Agreed wholeheartedly. Not entirely sure why I put it there looking back, but it just seems awkward to remove it now. Perhaps if I ever do come back to this story with a sequel I'll make it matter.
Okay, the clop itself was very good and fulfilling, but you jumped into it right away. It wasn't as detailed as it could be, but it surely was unique. Overall, the story gets a favorite and a thumbs up from me. Good job!
Marvelous fanfic. I always enjoy rereading stories like this.
Who is the 'Sofa King' by the way?
mlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_07_2014/post-24612-0-97360900-1404483336.png
Gay!Spike x Bag Macintosh?
My kind of fetish!
>he had to admit
adding this to my "list of overused phrases in fics"
>almost immediately
I've seen writers do things like this a lot; they don't seem to realize that putting "almost" or whatever before the indication, it makes them sound less sure of themselves, so the statement loses its impact.
>penetrating him as he slid in the second finger. He knew it was hardly an accurate simulation, but it was still the furthest he’d ever stretched, and the pleasure it gave him was intense.
If this is the furthest he's ever been stretched, it would be nice to place a little more emphasis on what a milestone this is for Spike.
>For roughly the past ten minutes
Say that out loud and tell me it flows off the tongue easily. I would take out "roughly". It's the same issue as "almost immediately"
>Rarity smiled and sipped from her own cup before continuing
Was she not sipping from "her own" cup previously?
>There was a pretty good view of Sweet Apple Acres from Rarity’s home. She had to admit it was an appropriate view for the conversation.
... why...? Because Spike is masturbating to "Big Red" which I'm assuming is an homage to Big Macintosh (or they're the same stallion)? That seems very vague. In fact, the whole conversation Twilight has with Rarity has no detail at all, so it's hard to understand how much she knows and doesn't, so that Sweet Apple Acres reference seems to come out of left field, unless you stop reading the story and ponder it for a while.
>after finally catching a glimpse of from behind a tree Big Macintosh
I'm assuming there's an "of" missing before Big Macintosh
>Spike came to his senses some time later in the Sweet Apple Acres orchard
wait, WHAT? Spike was masturbating in his house and was having trouble reaching an orgasm, now he's "coming to his senses" in Sweet Apple Acres (implying he was out of sorts all the way over there)? Am I supposed to know how this happened, or be left in the dark? Because right now I'm feeling in the latter.
>The truth was that this wasn’t the first time Spike had lost it
>lost it
What is "it" in this sense? Usually the term refers to ones sanity. So, has Spike lost his sanity on several occasions?
>He also saw, of course, that he was still quite aroused.
>saw that he was still quite aroused
>implying erection
This to me implies that he made it all the way from Golden Oak library, through Ponyville, and to Sweet Apple Acres with a raging hard on, and nopony saw him and made a fuss about it.
>Spike found himself wandering closer to the stallion.
>after he "resumed his stroking"
I don't know about you, but when I'm "stroking" I don't do a lot of "wandering" unless I have to make a conscious effort to stop, move, and then resume.
>The only response he wanted to make was to take Big Mac right here and right now. So he did.
>so he did
*buzzer noise*
1) This phrase contributes absolutely nothing in any way, at any time. If "he did" then just describe to us HOW "he did", as you actually do so in the immediate next paragraph.
2) "and so he did, without any more interaction between the two. Mac said "hey spike whatcha doing here?' without any indication of whether or not Mac is into homo-eroticism, has any attraction towards spike whatsoever, or was in the mood for sex at the moment. It really is that easy"
>Big Mac still didn’t break the kiss when Spike began to probe him, but Spike could feel him gasp.
You don't "feel" a gasp; a gasp is the sound someone makes after a sharp intake of breath, therefore you "hear" a gasp. You "feel" someone's sphincter (or their body) clench as you're probing them.
>The penetration was not gentle, but it was easy.
... ouch
>Big Mac moved to a stand above the young dragon
what kind of stand? A lemonade stand?
If you're saying Big Mac is standing above the young dragon, then say "Mac moved to stand above the young dragon" or preferably "Mac stood above the young dragon"
>In an odd way, they reminded him of the ay his own eyes had looked
ayyyyyy (I know it was a simple typo, I'm just finding this one particularly funny)
>The pair continued like this
lazy way of saying "they kept doing the same thing". You could say "they continued their motions" and it doesn't sound spectacular, but it at least sounds slightly better. But even that's not necessary, because you could even say "several minutes passed" before you indicate a new action, and the reader can assume they were doing the same thing as previously mentioned during those several minutes.
I guess Spike doesn't talk at all in this fic. Even if we're supposed to assume he's in his "greed state" (which I don't believe was ever really indicated, unless that's what was the point of the conversation between Twilight and Rarity, it sure didn't feel like it), we don't even get a "Spike want" out of him. This makes it feel like there's no character to him at all outside of "gay sexually frustrated teenage boy" instead of "gay sexually frustrated teenage Spike".
And with the fic completed, I still don't get where the "rubies" come in that the title implies. Is Macintosh a ruby? I didn't see that comparison at all.
Overall, this is a nice premise and everything, it just feels like nothing was really fleshed or thought out. It's like it was just written down really fast "because it sounds hot" and that was it. This could have been a lot better if we had been given some insight to the tension Spike was feeling upon coming to terms with his homosexuality, maybe the shame of having to hide it from Twilight, the contemplation of visiting Sweet Apple Acres, going to the trouble of finding Mac and discovering whether Mac himself was gay or not.
5316244
I appreciate your comment, and the certainly detailed critique.
That said, I must say that you are somewhat wasting you time. This is a very old fic and I have gotten better since I wrote it. I'd appreciate it if you would instead look at some of my newer fics and identified things I am still doing wrong, rather than critiquing such an old fic (and one I've already seen many faults in myself.)
That said, it is nice to see someone thinking so deeply about my writing. Thank you for looking so very close, few people bother with such a task when it comes to pornography. I will try to take some of the more valid critiques to heart when I write in the future.
P.S, though. Many of these critiques are not overly helpful in the comments of a fic, as many of them are very specific. Were you a pre-reader and were I able to alter this before posting, they would be far more useful. I can't say I'd like you to be a pre-reader, as I am not producing much at the moment, but I would appreciate it if you would instead put these comments in a PM perhaps, at least, should you do this in the future.
Alternatively, if you wish to simply show off your own writer's cred and do reviews, perhaps you should start a blog. I know I would love to be featured on such a thing even if your response was at best middling in regards to my writing.
5318057
No, I'm not going to waste time putting all of my critiques into a PM; no one has ever done that when they're making suggestions for the errors in my fics (which there have been plenty of, and I still strive to correct, even AFTER I've published them).
I might keep that idea about featuring stories I've read, good OR bad on my tumblr blog, if people would even care about such a thing. But if the benefit of the writer would be that their story is getting exposure, you can be sure I'll be even more expressive about my thoughts on it (including what I think is so very wrong with it). I guess it was partly my fault for ignoring the "shameless clop without plot or proper characters" bit. I tend to look over those for some odd reason.
Overall, I critiqued your story because that's what I enjoy doing. It's fun for me to read a bad story while nitpicking it to death, sorry if you don't understand it, but I don't really need you to. If you really don't want anymore comments on and old story of yours, then you should delete it so that there's no way for people to comment on it. OR you could add to your disclaimer that you only want nice things said about it.
The buildup was alright, but the actual sex was disappointing. No foreplay of note and it was all just over so quickly with little introspection or exploration of sensations that makes a good clop.