• Member Since 8th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago


TECHNICALLY not procrastinating.



Life was not going well for John,.

He had a 9 to 5 job, he worked for minimal wage, and he wasn't in top shape, (admittedly, his own fault), and he didn't have many friends, he was a loser in the eyes of most, and he agreed with them.

At least till a strange visitor became part of his life.

My first story. It is a cliche and what-not, any criticisms are always welcome.

Chapters (14)
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Comments ( 95 )

Well, I hate to say it. But you are right. It is cliche.

Also, John is a Gary Stu. Normally, we think of Gary Stu as being overpowered, having no realistic flaws, etc. But actually according to definition, characters with overly tragic backgrounds are also Gary Stu characters. Just from your description we have:

he worked for minimal wage, and he wasn't in top shape, (albeit, that was due to his own stubbornness), and he didn't have many friends, he was a loser in the eyes of most, and he himself thought that was the case.

It's cliche, and overly tragic. No friends, everyone thinks he is a loser including himself, he's out of shape, he works a minimum wage job, etc.

The problem with these type of characters is that the author intends the reader to feel sympathetic for them. But that's not what actually happens. Because the reader doesn't see the character as believable. Just cliche and overly tragic.

See, a Gary Stu can be a character where everything goes right in their life, and nothing ever goes wrong for them. But a Gary Stu can also be the opposite. A character where everything that can be wrong in their life is wrong.

I'll say one thing...the chapters could be a tab bit longer, but other than that i don't see anything reason not to like this story!
that was meant in a good way..:twilightblush:

1478649 Well, thanks for enjoying! I'm surprised that this was even liked to begin with.:twilightsheepish:

Also, the chapters are short because I'm planning to release a chapter a day to every 2 days.:pinkiehappy:

I beleive it is good because this guy is literaly what a lot of people are like. lots of people can connect and sympathize with him.


1482154 That's implying I let that be the most awkward position I force Twilight to make. HueHueHue :pinkiecrazy:

1482154 *in the guys mind* is it wrong to have a boner right now?

Just trolling with ya :rainbowwild: on the more serious side I am interested to see how it goes, I am worried about the main guy he seems to pretty stressed out, and for the pasta thing he is not really on the money. For the record :twilightsheepish: pasta and noodles are completely different :facehoof:, there are many non pasta noodles such as chow-mein, saifun, soba, ramen, pho rice noodle, ect ect. as well as many types of non noodle pasta such as ravioli, and tortellini. This is a small example but I am curious to see how you build on these character traits.

1484396 Well, not the ones used I don't remember saying "pasta" specifically. :rainbowkiss:

You are correct lol :rainbowlaugh:, you said spaghetti noodles, not pasta noodles lol. now don't I feel like a jerk :twilightoops:. My apologies on correcting a error that did not exist:twistnerd:. I'm curious to see how the characters and story develop.

1484550 This is a work in progress even in my head, but I have an ending in mind already, now to work it there.:rainbowwild:

I had fun with this chapter, even if it wasn't my best.:trollestia:

1489891 This is the support that I am talking about. :yay:

Glad you enjoyed it.:twilightsmile:

Edit: I just realized what that GIF is doing... Well played... :trixieshiftright:

adorkable, i think thats the word

Woah, author, you almost ran into hot water when you said this was your first fic in the description.

Obviously, when a new author decides to point out that this was their first fic, many members like us tend to mindlessly dislike it because we follow Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud (or crap).

You got lucky but however be aware that some dislikes will be heading your way. Also, what EquZephyr said, your protagonist is a bit Gary-stuish and also has a bit of misanthropic elements.

1508372 Oh, I understand, I really don't mind, this was more of a test to see how people would react to my writing, I have to say it's been more or less a success, specially from a guy whose primary language isn't English.

My characters hatred comes from his past I have to say, and I know, it is a cliche

Also, I'm waiting for the guy who notices something spelled wrong, haven't seen one yet. :pinkiehappy:

This took FOREVER to finish, so don't expect a chapter tomorrow, I had to make a big edit on this completely and ended twice as long from my other chapters, also, I am falling asleep as I finish it.

I am dead guys so I will see you later whenever I am less dead. :pinkiecrazy:

emotional chapter, great job

1516676 Oh... I actually thought I did pretty terrible at it since I was nodding off as I finished editing it. :pinkiegasp:
Thanks! :pinkiehappy:

“I will have to say goodbye…”

Noooo! :fluttercry:

1529950 Well, not all stories can or will end happily...

1530008 OR WILL IT

You will just have to wait. :ajsmug:


Inspired by this ongoing fic, I just had to give it a shot. :facehoof::twilightblush:

Complaining that "spaghetti and noodles" are the same thing makes him come across like an ass.
Cause fucking really? You're having random people off the street give him shit?
And how do you have a job for an entire year and not pick up what you're supposed to do?
That's just utter incompetence, not bad luck.
Goddamn he's a mope.
So... yeah.
I hate this guy and only wish bad things upon him.

1535460 Yeah, that was my main intention from the beginning, glad that you noticed how he himself brought his own misery, sure he had a bad past, he just let his hate be what controlled his current life.

I am just glad someone besides me FINALLY pointed it out. :yay:

I beg of you, please don't let it end so soon!

1540920 Where you... Trying to say something?:applejackconfused:

1547366 Ah, I see, too many emoticons.

I am sorry that the chapter gave you the sads. :pinkiegasp:

Sequel please? This was too good to end :pinkiesad2:

1569959>>1569976 I am not really looking to making a sequel of this, whether his life in Equestria is good or bad, I left it open to interpretation.

Also, thank you for your kind words, I appreciate that many of you stayed till the end. :raritywink:

1570257 well if you make another story as good as this one or better I will literally use pinkie and break the 4th wall to give you a hug.

1570258 You can be sure I will write more stories.
And I would certainly enjoy a 4th wall breaking hug! :pinkiegasp:

1570269 Done..PINKIE DO IT NOW! *I break through the fourth wall and jump out of your computer and give you a hug* see I told you I would do it!!

1570336 Pinkie would be proud.:pinkiecrazy:

1570354 she would Okay I am going back home cya! * jumps back through your computer*

cool story bro
but it needs more chapters or another book to complete it. :pinkiehappy:

1622361 Ah' don't know...:applejackunsure:

Maybe later after I'm done with other ideas, might be a while though...:unsuresweetie:

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