A disgruntled Trixie and a excited Starlight visit Maud's home for some lunch.
Part of the SFNW Class of July writing prompt.
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Ditz
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You know ima check this out.
9083533 I hope you enjoy it!
Heh, these two have quite an odd and stressful relationship. Talking about their issues doesn't come easy and it seems like it takes extreme measures to get the pair to open up. Let's hope they air out all of their grievances before somepony does something that an apology won't fix.
Nice work!
Great work as always!
By coincidence, I'd just watched No Second Prances last night, and I'm glad I did. This is a good Trixie/Starlight story, and follows on well from that episode. Trixie's dialog could use a little more tightening, a little more pride and arrogance, even though she's reformed, but there are some good Trixie moments here. And Starlight raising the room (literally) when she gets angry is right on the mark.
Good job!
(P.S. To be completely honest, I actually started reading this because the description mentioned Maud Pie, and I really wanted to see what a Starlight/Trixie/Maud scene would be like -- the character of Maud has gradually grown on me as I've seen her in more episodes. But at least Boulder gets a cameo.
)
9084529 Thank you! I will keep in mind the bit about Trixie. I never quite know how to handle her reformed pony version.
As for the Maud part, sorry! I tried to make it a little vague so as to not completely reveal what the story is about and I felt the description did the job for that.
A lovely bit of character interaction between two of the least socially capable ponies in the show's stable. Lovely work. Though I can't help but think of what will happen when Maud arrives...
"You!" cried Trixie, posing and pointing for maximum dramatic effect.
Maud blinked. "Hi."
Starlight looked back and forth between them. "Have you two met before?"
"This is the slavedriver who oversaw Trixie's labor on that thrice-accursed rock farm!"
"You kept trying to take a break every five minutes."
Trixie harrumphed and tossed her mane. "Trixie is a delicate creature ill-suited for such things."
Maud's expression didn't move, and hadn't since she entered the grotto. "Then you probably shouldn't have gotten a job on a rock farm."
Starlight bit her lip. "Uh, how about we try to make this into a learning experience? You know, how to say the right thing to get ponies to want to be your friends?"
Trixie scoffed. "Trixie has little interest in befriending a mare so dedicated to making her miserable."
"That was Limestone."
"Limestone?" Starlight turned from Maud back to Trixie. "Who's—"
Trixie shivered, sweating to the point of froth as her pinprick pupils stared at nothing. "Stay off Holder's Boulder. Stay off Holder's Boulder. STAY OFF HOLDER'S—!"
In a blink, Maud has her hoof pressed against Trixie's muzzle. She turned to Starlight. "Limestone has that effect on ponies."
Starlight swallowed against the sudden lump in her throat. "Ah."
9084999 Not gonna lie, I outright forgot that little detail.
Your scenario would have been fun, though!
But now I'm really happy that I didn't have Maud interacting here.
SFNW professor here!
This was a fun one!
While it doesn't fit the prompt perfectly, you really managed the mutual jealousy well!
As a story idea, this is really well set up. Perfect for a friendship lesson between two troubled ponies. I enjoyed it!
But I'm also supposed to give some critique and guidance, so here I go.
First there are a few places where then sentences are a bit confusing, or grammatically incorrect. One trick to fixing this is to read you story out loud from beginning to end. Any sentence that you need to reread or struggle to follow should be rewritten.
Second, some of the social interactions didn't flow quite as well as they could have. Writing emotion can be difficult, but the idea is to dramatize instead of writing in a straight forward manner. Foreshadow the emotions a bit instead of having them suddenly appear. Show don't tell (we have a few lectures you can check out on that topic). Treat each outburst as a climax, and try to limit to a single short climax instead of multiple climaxes or a drawn out climax (when talking about emotional outbursts specifically).
This is one of those things that is difficult to describe or give examples of while typing on a mobile device, so I'll probably come back later and clarify that a bit. In the meantime, feel free to experiment a bit with polishing those ideas in your story.
But besides those two points, I don't really have much else to add for where you're at. Well done! I'm happy with your progress!
9089493 This was a prompt that I had some difficulty writing about, sorry it didn't end up fitting perfectly!
And thank you for the critique! Really looking forward to your clarification.
9089559
Clarification:
This part is a good example of what can be improved:
The emotion of this scene feels a bit bipolar.
On the first line, we see Starlight asking a question as if she's on a rampage, she should be screaming a little bit here as objects are already floating around the room.
But we get to "I really envy you sometimes," and the way that it's written isn't with an exclamation mark or any indication of anger. The sentence is structured with more of a sad tone than an angry or frustrated one. It's as if she's calming down.
This is followed by a somewhat calmer back and forth, that leads into the line "What do you mean you don’t know!?", at which point, Starlight has gone from sad and kinda calm to absolutely outraged.
The emotional changes in this scene are extremely difficult to follow because they appear to fluctuate so much.
So to perhaps make it a bit clearer, I'll write the same scene, but with a few changes to help smooth out the emotional build up and climax:
With this, the scene has a lot more drama. The pacing of the scene speeds up. Sentences get shorter and shorter until, suddenly, the climax hits. And most importantly, the bulldozer of Starlight's rage is always accelerating, never slowing for a second.
This isn't a perfect example as it's more a light tweak, instead of a full on edit, however, I think it gets the point across. "
This problem was throughout the whole story from beginning to end, so I would recommend focusing on polishing that skill where you can.
In short: Make emotional transitions smoother and slower. Don't just snap from one emotion to the next between paragraphs. It'll give your readers whiplash. And side note: The size of your sentences and the pacing of ideas also has an effect on emotions. Lots of long sentences feels calm, while lots of short and snappy sentences feel frantic. The inbetweens feel inbetween.
Hopefully that makes it a bit clearer.
9089912 It's very clear! I didn't know that's how it worked out. I'll definitely keep your words to heart.
Thank you!
9090097
You're very welcome! We're always around on the Discord to help!