- Member Since 15th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Dec 17th, 2022
Neon Czolgosz
"Violence for violence is the rule of beasts" - Barack Obama
Neon Czolgosz
Joined 15th Dec, 2011 ·
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Oh the awkwardness, it burns us precious... The overall descriptiveness was wonderful, I love how you did not go purple on the blowjob. Not every blowjob is mindbogglingly good. It takes practice, and well, Lickey has had none. The lube... oh god the lube, never have I laughed so hard at the end of a love scene. You were careful to avoid common tropes in this genre (a kiss tastes like what your partner mostly recently ate, if it has a flavor at all) and the immersive elements of the various smells really put me in the scene. The sheer cornball nature of their dialog... I loved it. Well done, I am not one for M/M ships much less clop, but this was excellent.
Poor, poor foals. Never will they live down the shame...
/let me guess the sex is terrible.
1420624 You must not be aware of who ChuckFinley is. Go read Pipsqueak's Day Off, then come back with a less biased opinion.
1420669 No I do I was just making a joke
They've only been going out for two weeks, and they're already having sex?
::LOL::
ERMEHRGERD~! YOU SICK F-BLAAARGLFLARGH
m\m? фу блять фу нахуй
Alrighty, let's get this out on the table before I start this review: that fucking cover art= brilliant. Now back on task.
To the average reader with no context happening across this story, it might seem like a shameless excuse to put some M/M on the site. As someone who knows the source material, I have to say that was frankly hilarious and a fitting conclusion for these two characters, especially Lickety. However, let's look at this from an objective standpoint.
First I'd like to say something about the wording. It was simplistic, direct, and right to the point which if anything killed the air of arousal and guilty fun you had instilled with the intro. A phrase such as However what it greatly attributed to the comedy factor of the story as I found myself giggling over every other line, and I find that to be a good thing. I have to say I think my favorite comedic line out this story has to be:
I absolutely lost it on that line and as a result I choked on an orange Mike and Ike.
An example of wording that killed the mood for me however
. Up until that point I was absolutely into it. Upon reaching that point any interest I had clopwise, just kinda died. It's certainly a very honest observation of what he saw, but it's not exactly... appetizing prose, for lack of a better term. I realize this is M/M, but a little florid feminizing wording couldn't have hurt that one. Just my opinion, moving on.
The little dom/ sub segment in the beginning was cute. Just the right amount of playful to induce thumb biting but not completely overt to the point that it ruins the build up. Good on you for using the sense of smell in your mood building, that's something a fair amount of erotica writer's just seem to neglect as they're portraying the sexual encounter. Also worth mentioning is how you show their inexperience without mentioning it, just allowing their actions to do all the work i.e. Lickety's inability to take in Rumble's complete length, in addition to the very "meh" reaction from Rumble as he experiences oral for the first time. Also rather glad you tackled that little "Are you clean back there?" question, before delving into a rim job. Added that little bit of realism as it pertains to this situation.
I can't help but feel as though this sex-scene would have been enhanced in terms of character if you had given Rumble some timidity or coyness in
regards to either his parents or Thunderlane coming in at any moment and catching them in the act. Bravo in using it at the end to create a tense atmosphere, but had it been present throughout the entire story it would have made for a far more indulging and relatable read as I'm sure we've all had moments in our youth where we've been entertaining guests of the erotic persuasion but somewhere in the back of our minds we're constantly listening for even the slightest of sounds indicating someone we don't want to be home has arrived. A shame that the opportunity was missed, but c'est la vie.
In closing, I find this fic to be an enjoyable and hilarious tongue in cheek epilogue to one of my favorite stories on this site, but an overall unjizzable clop-fic, although I don't believe that it was the intention that this should be clopped to. If it was I hope I didn't offend, but meh in terms of sexiness.
All in all: B-/ C+. Take it how you will.
Loathe,
Your Antagonist
1420730 Sorry, it's hard to understand sarcasm through text
1421412 Gay or not, you can enjoy what you want. Get over it, dude.
Seriously Mr. Finley. Once again an entertaining read, although I did get the feeling that this story was a mite rushed. The foreplay was 100% spot on, as was the teenager excitement of the first time. And thanks for making it mostly realistic altogether. I hate those "kisses taste of strawberries, blowjob is 7th heaven" fics. It doesn't work that way. Also, it's clear that Lickety had been practicing his exit, because no matter how much lube, you just can't put stuff in without it hurting a lot.
So like I said, the realism was good. Unfortunately that also makes the story less cloppable, which is unfortunate. This wasn't so much a clopfic as a deconstruction of one, almost a tragicomedy of sorts. It was like watching Mr. Bean doing anal with Jerry Lewis for the first time. Funny, but not really erotic. Well, the foreplay was but... you get the point I hope.
And for the love of Celestia, next time put a disclaimer on your story to remind the reader NOT to drink anything while reading your stories. That whole part with the lube enema / sewage cannon was... beyond level stuff. Also someone coming home early while the duo is standing in their own puke while doing the two-colt-conga was enough to put this story into High Octane Nightmare Fuel territory. I just hope it was Thunderlane, cos that... arrgh! Imagination! I almost wish you'd have written a bit more. Leaving it here was very tasteful, but more of a cliffhanger than a real ending. (I know, you hate writing endings).
7/10
1422429
The story is incomplete. More is on its way.
1422450 Happy to hear. I was just worried because you mentioned "one-off sequels" somewhere. Maybe. I guess?
Not gonna lie, I am legitimately interested to see what happens next. This was actually really well written. Read it aloud to a group of friends over Xbox Live, they all died laughing. The awkwardness and just how quickly everything went downhill is just... great. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, as an edit, I found the whole situation adorable. You know, in a weird, somewhat disgusting way.
Oh my gosh. Adorable!
1422827
Holy Hay, it's Applejinx! I'm a big fan of your work. Also I see you on BJuice from time to time; for some reason I find it really strange when I see someone in two different places online that I regard as seperate. Strange. Anyway, thanks!
1422837
You're welcome! I was glad I read your story. It was cute, gross and funny, much like Sarah Proud And Tall
Yeah, that's me posting there. In some ways the places are extremely separate, but in other ways... well, as far as 'reloading the page continually all day long', seems like it's FIMfiction and Balloon Juice. I have no idea what that says about me. Probably dreadful things
So much awkward. Nice to see Rumble's personality developed somewhat here, and Lickety Split's still as endearing as ever.
Bloody nice work, Chuck, once more you manage to weave realism and humor to make both a fantastic reading experience and provide a breath of fresh air from the usual run-of-the-mill fic of this nature.
Whether you continue with this pairing or revisit one of others from PDO, can't wait.
1422925
This story is continuing, there will be three parts in total (well, two and an epilogue). Glad you like it
1422937 Is it weird that I got a little bit of a boner?
1423107
At the porn or the news?
1423122 The clop.
Oh my God, the lulz
they won't stop
Aren't high schoolers 14 - 17?
1423328
15-18 innit? In the UK, the better analogue would be 6th form/college, which is 16-18
This reminds me of my first time. (not the last part)
1424452
How so?
1424465 A lot basically I thought a blowjob would be heaven but instead it just felt nice. We used lube but instead of to much we used to little and that didn't feel to nice. Sexy talk, laughing , the awkward moment when I explained I was "clean". Ya know pretty basic first time things.
1424482
Fair enough. I'm mostly straight and have never been with a dude, so I'm glad to hear I hit near enough my marks...
One of my biggest pet peeves in fanfics is when buttsecks happens without adequate lube, and is then portrayed as pleasurable. All I can think is OW OW OW THAT GOTTA HURT!
1424500 You hit it right on the nose. Hurts like no tomorrow if you don't use enough. Hell I need a bit just to get a finger in but a penis or vibrator HAH! Good luck with that I would be bawling like a four year old who just lost his Popsicle.
Why... why is this so good? It's two underage colts having sex...
Then again, dat ending. I gotta see where this goes.
If there existed just a single story suited entirely for the word fremdschämen, it would be this.
Finally, a clop fic with actual realism. And M/M shipping too! Excellent job on the hilarious yet erotic story!
When I read the description, I was like "Hoo boy, this is going to get downvoted so hard. It's unfair, really." And then I actually see the rating, and I'm pleasantly surprised! People actually took the time to read it and upvote it, because it's very good (and very awkward, but that makes it more realistic).
Well, I didn't have a gay OTP before, so I guess I have one now.
1422429
Mr. Bean...
i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/ThorNYC2/lj2009/09.jpg
...and Jerry Lewis...
johnmariani.com/archive/2007/070211/lewis1.jpg
Also, I'm totally stealing that "two-colt-conga" line and including it in a future story. Brilliant!
I liked the chapter. Do more!
If there was one constructive thing I could add, I wasn't a fan of drawing attention to the dialogue.
It took me out of the moment, like they were breaking the fourth wall, or something. Observations like that can work in some stories, but it felt out of place here.
You seem to enjoy lampshading clopfic tropes, which is entertaining.
I respect you for wanting to avoid cliches like the plague and strive for a more realistic sex scene. Keep up the good work.
"The good work" could either refer to your fanfic writing, or is just a euphemism for your penis. In either case, may you continue to keep it up!
1426780 I, like Mr. Finley, am a cunning linguist.
O.
M.
G.
Hilarious.
Not gonna say anything about my first time with a guy but...great stuff.
Definitely awating the next update.
1421205
Hey YA, thanks a ton for the huge, detailed review. Huge walls of text make my damn day and I love them very much, so I was pretty elated when I woke up to yours.
Actual criticism is a wonderful thing. Every writer worth their salt knows that their work kinda sucks, and improvement can be tricky when everyone who likes your work points out the good bits and the people who don't like it just skim over and stop reading. It's something I've found myself doing; I'll read stories with 100 thumbs up and 10 thumbs down, decide they suck but not have the energy to give any real critique.
The minimalism/directness/whatever is a conscious choice. Partly I'm a big fan of RagingSemi's work, and partly it's to avoid writing without thinking, like one of my favourite essays on writing bangs on about. I see lots of authors, especially erotica/porn authors, who slip into a style of writing and bung in certain phrases because they think 'oh, I'm writing clop now, I have to say certain things.' That's why you get lots of purple prose, why writers will use a baffling array of abstract terms to avoid the perfectly servicable (pun intended) words 'cock' or 'pussy,' why writing goes from normal to excessively florid and that sort of thing. It's especially bad when describing sensations, thoughts or emotions because writers will jam in vaguely meaningful sounding metaphors involving 'flames' or 'passions' or 'heaven' rather than actually describing what the actors are feeling, thinking and doing.
On the other hand, minimalism is harder than it seems. Reading back over, the cloppy bits sound very sparse and pretty rushed. This is because thinking up straightforward, understandable and not totally off-putting involves thinking, and thinking things is hard. Something like 'Lickety's ministrations sent a burning flame of passion through the grey pegasus, and the sensations of lust were almost too much to bear,' requires no thought whatsoever and describes almost nothing, but it does pad out a paragraph rather nicely. Which is why I tried to avoid putting things like that in.
Mottled Pink Balls. While I still find the concept of pink balls rather cute, I will admit that 'mottled' is not a word that elicits deep feelings of desire and arousal. Thank you for pointing that out.
I didn't really consider that I was showing their inexperience; I was just trying to portray sex realistically. Like, you (usually) need a moment to adjust during buttsex, otherwise it just hurts. And unless someone has a big mouth and knows how to use it, blowjobs aren't usually seventh heaven.
I'm ambivalent about adding coyness because of parents coming back. It would have made the scene more tense and realistic, and I might have done that if I'd not rushed so much. However, it would have telegraphed the end of the chapter (and the setup to the next chapter), so probably not in this story. I'll probably slap it into one of the other sequels...
It was meant to be cloppable, but looking back I think you're right about the grade. It was too rushed to be cloppable and I didn't spend enough time cutting out the bad bits and adding good bits, so it comes off as a realistic portrayal rather than a clopfic.
Thanks again for the review,
Chuckie.
Well, the start had to be the most adorable, innocent thing I've read in a long time. The end made me laugh so hard, that it was hard to breath.
10/10
1426851 I strongly disagree with you about that first point, I think that bit of dialogue was great - realistic, cute, and funny. Considering that these two are having their first time, it makes perfect sense that when they foray into some real dirty talk, they're self aware of it and end up laughing over it. Anywas. I have to disclaim that the reason I think it's so fitting is because I've had a similar experience with that sort of dirty talk. Some people just can't take it seriously - apparently Chuck is like-minded on this one.
1466621
I concede that, looking back on it, the type of tone used in the story wasn't inappropriate.
It more or less comes down to personal preference.
1466747 Oh you didn't have to totally change your opinion. I just wanted to share some reasons why I thought it was a good part of the story.
1467674
Don't get me wrong. My opinion's still the same. I tend to prefer dialogue that doesn't draw attention to itself. I just felt obligated to say that there are different strokes for different folks. I'm certainly glad the scene resonated with you. It just didn't work for me is all.
1467759 Ah, right. For a second I was worried that you had changed your opinion. And nobody changes their opinion because of an Internet debate. Nobody.
Aaargh, every boy's nightmare!
Update Chuck?
1749987
Other projects are eating at my attention, this is next on my MLP fanfiction list.
I can't help but feel most of this was inspired by a certain story in a book I read called 'I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell' by Tucker Max, which is like a biography of the author's shenanigans in the late 90's to early 00's.
The lube advice, the totally overkill amount used, the fact that one said a ten ounce bottle is supposed to last for months, and the gross ending just screams a reference to that particular story.
Overall this was hot though; gay, crossdressing, submissive colts are the best things ever. Not a fan of the ponytails, but I am a big fan of little racy panties that barely contain their package...
I'm so naughty.