There are certain issues involved with having Philomena as a pet. Giving the entire palace staff permission to take a swat at the bird if it tries anything? Has solved none of them. The phoenix is still trolling everypony, happily setting off pony tempers (and the occasional fire alarm) without a care in the world. The swats just aren't working.
Maybe a few murders will do the trick.
...or, given that it's Philomena, Celestia might have to go just a little further.
(Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages.)
Rated C for Crackfic.
Chapters (1)
Added to The Triptych Continuum Rebooted the "Crackfic Folder"
Ha! Nice name!
Woo! It's her!
Heh. Discord Comparison 2!!
Discord Comparison 3! Nice use of Rule of Three!!!
That's... The second RD comparison, not the third. Interesting!
But at least they do learn!
----
Typo:
Bathrooms,Ballrooms > Bathrooms, Ballrooms
This fandom is obsessed with Celestia being a troll. But every true fan knows Philomena is the real troll in Canterlot. Worth a laugh for sure.
Has Celestia ever considered adopting a stalagmite? She could keep it in the throne room, even decorate it for Hearth's Warming.
Knowing Barding, I am surprised he didn't try to kill on the anvil already. Cerea would probably hold down for him with the clamps.
An absolutely lovely story!
Huh. Wasn't expecting any acknowledgement of "Molt Down."
In space, no one can hear Luna brood.
There's a story there, to say nothing of the first tortoise to benefit from Tank's propeller.
Spoiler for Mark of Appeal: USER 2 SYSTEM PREFERENCES NOT FOUND.
Nightwatch with the first kill, very nice.
Sometimes it's nice to watch the entire office get to enjoy a moment of stress relief and schadenfreude. Usually it comes in the form of a roundly reviled coworker finally getting the boot. And then there's this option...
Delightful stuff. Thank you for it.
Kill Phil: Volume 1!
Loved the comparisons to Rainbow Dash.
Just like training a mule. First you hit it between the eyes with a 2x4, then once you have its attention....
you know a pheonix can permenetly die if its consumed by a more powerfull fire spirit, such as a greater pheonix or ya know, a big dragon....just saying, something t hang over her head if she ever gets 'too' rowdy.
The main difference between Philomena and Rainbow Dash is that while pony’s can only think about killing the latter, they are allowed to kill the former,
Hilarious story, and I hope it gets referenced in later stores in the cannon universe
Yep, that's a cat alright.
Yay, Nightwatch returns!
If it's a liquid then it's waay too hot. Molecules are supposed to stay in their places.
👍
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That's insufficient stimulus.
Dictionary: Stimulus(etymology, origins of word):
The first records of stimulus come from the 1600s. It comes from the Latin word stimulus, meaning “cattle prod”—a sharp stick used to poke cattle to get them to keep moving. In a general sense, that's what a stimulus does—it prods something into action.
Also, military men tell that inserting assault rifle muzzle(with front sight still attached) into donkey or mule ass then making full turn, like hand crank starter on older vehicles, usually solves the problem.
The story is nice, but Celestia should really look into somehow augmenting her phoenix's intelligence or like making a familiar.
There're punishments worse than death. Just ask a certain trio.
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If I see the scene right, Rarity's loss of hearing was caused by Peewee's shriek at close range, not his feathers. Not sure why later they had Zecora say it was because of the feathers. Maybe continuity error. After all, Twilight and Fluttershy had been around Philomena the whole day while she was molting, and they weren't affected at all.
You can tell Luna just loved the fact her idea was found full of merit. Everyone should thank Luna. And Fluttershy deserves her revenge.
And We All Kill Rainbow (Everypony Throughout Ponyville With Anything Available)
“In other news, surprise hit Kill Phil, volume 1 topped the charts over at the feature board this week...”
I needed this lighthearted crackfic this week. It's a great romp.
Thank you.
Ah, murder. Is there any problem it can’t solve?
I do so love your take on the Princesses. This was a delightful, silly little read full of cameos of characters I love. Excellent stuff.
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making a friend.
oh wait nevermind, murder can solve that too.
Of course RD is a slow learner. To learn, she'd have to admit she was wrong. She. Can't. DO. THAT!!!
Some ponies would contest the accuracy of those first two words.
Heh, slow learner indeed. I liked this story. Sweet and funny, pretty cathartic in the end. Kinda surprised Fluttershy immediately went for the kill option, but it's a crackfic, so things are exaggerated for comedic effect! Totally cool. Thanks for this entry into the ongoing saga of the cracktinuum.
Celestia should look into adopting a Turritopsis dohrnii (immortal jellyfish), since that's about as good as you can do for a pet while prioritizing longevity.
Get a nice saltwater tank, and you got a pet that is going to stay with you forever, with the added benefit of being a better listener (and less of a nuisance) than a phoenix.
Philomena: MLP’s avian Deadpool.
This was a fun showcase for the various castle staff you have created. Although if I were Celestia, I’d be keeping an eye on Fluttershy… after all, she watched Philomena gift ‘Shy with that feather and said nothing about the side effects, and apparently ‘Shy carries a mean grudge…
Yeah, see, you might call this a crackfic, but in a hyper-cynical world of magic, this seems perfectly plausible.
That was a good story.
Nice to see Nightwatch again. I'd like to believe Cerea is around, but Philomena gave one look to the magic killing centaur and decided very wisely some predators you don't mess with.
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Funny and delightful - but I think the sweetest detail is how Celestia was able to provide for Tank due to her own previous pets.
Um, point of pedantry, I know, but I really hope all the bathrooms aren't in the same section of the castle. That could get inconvenient and potentially... messy.
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"Yes, yes, I know, it's traditional to breathe that which is not solid, but what can I say? I'm an radical like that."
Anyway, fun story. Nothing else to really add, just wanted to make those jokes and say thanks.
Great story! Thank you for sharing!!
true
Fluttershy gets her REVENGE.
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maybe Maude has one she could adopt.