It was another lovely sunny day in the wide-open fields of Ponyville.
At the humble cottage of Fluttershy, the kindhearted pegasus is expecting a rather small visit from a not so little visitor whom once stormed upon her tranquil land.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 3rd Jun, 2018
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
23 KM To Nerdiness
You know I'm super fly...🪰 | 23 | Straight/Black/Nerd 🐢 | Ask For Ko-Fi | Twitter
23 KM To Nerdiness
Joined 3rd Jun, 2018 ·
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Nice to see Thrash and Fluttershy reunite
10930240
Had to change the name to Borris, 'cuz I ran into a fic with a similar plot and according to the author, that's his confirmed name or something.
Awwwww, this was such a cute story
I love Angel's behaviour here :3
10930242
Oh dear
I guess that’s bound to happen sometimes
This was really sweet and funny. Love it!
Awww this was adorable. Fluttershy is best pony!
Oh god my heart melted.
Aw, so cute! And..."flutter philosophy" lol.
Now, that was cute.
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Hey there! So, I thought you seemed like a pretty cool guy and figured I'd read one of your stories. This was really cute and I liked it a lot. I loved that Borris pulls a spear from out of nowhere and does a sort of warcry. That got a laugh out of me. Now, I want to talk about your writing, although looking at the number of followers you have and the fact that every one of your stories are successful (which I'm only a little bit jealous of), you clearly don't need any advice from me, but hey, pointers never hurt, even if you've heard them before. Plus, this is what I do, it's kind of a sickness...
Your writing is good. I like your style (even though stories in present tense annoy me, but that's my preference), and while the BLOOP and THUMP would have normally pulled me out of the story, here they fit in perfectly, and I'd even say added to the charm of the story. There's two things I really want to point out:
The first being your verb usage for speech. You only used the word 'said' (or says since you use present tense like a crazy person
) three times. One of the biggest tells for a literary agent that the writer is an amateur is the use of other verbs instead of 'said'. You should use 'said' for about 80 percent of the time. You actually used 'utters' a lot in this, about as much as I would use 'said' in one of my stories. The squeaks are okay though, this is Fluttershy after all. Try to keep this in mind, and if you feel you are using 'said' too much, then try using more actions like nods or shrugs. You do a bit of that here and that's good.
The second is your show vs tell. Now, you do a great job of showing, but then you inexplicably tell in the same sentence. There are a few examples of this:
This one isn't that big a deal, but you can remove the word 'curious'. It adds nothing to the sentence. The spoken line above shows us that she is curious, so we don't need you to tell us that as well.
Start at 'hops' and read this sentence. Isn't it obvious from your description that he is panicking? Again, you do an excellent job of showing his feeling, but then tell us in the same sentence.
Why do you have to be like this!? When has an eye roll ever not been in disgust? Unless it is in good nature, but that is usually obvious. Though with this I would add "Angel rolls his eyes and makes a face as the creature..." but yeah, this is another example of you showing and telling at the same time.
So, that's it. I just wanted to point these things out. The story's great. Grammar, punctuation, flow, it's all good. Really enjoyed it. Thanks for writing!
11501103
I'm happy you enjoyed it!
Yeah, part of me never 100% throws my all into pony fics, but I would appreciate it very much if you'd like to give a fantasy novel series I'm working on some feedback. It's overall called HeartWood, but the first big novel I'm working on is called Kyle & Lucy (the two cuties on my profile pic).
I share my progress through my blogs for thoughts/critiques.
11501122
I'll have to give that a look then.