• Member Since 8th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Sunday

Serina


“What is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?” ― Paarthurnax

E
Source

Fluttershy thought all this vampire pony nonsense was over but when Apple Jack showed her that apple… The beast within felt like taking over. Confining herself to her cottage, Fluttershy refuses to see anypony but her beloved bunny, Angel, out of fear of rejection.


Editor: Fantasia Archsage

Title thanks to my amazing friend: ToixStory

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 33 )

Nice reference with the title.

I am offended that this is not a TwiShy. You do wrong Seri, you do wrong.

Serina #3 · Jan 1st, 2014 · · 1 ·

3712286
Thanks! It was my friend's idea. :twilightsmile:

3712630
I didn't want to do a romance. :rainbowwild:

3712686 SEEEEEEEEEEEQQQQQQQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEllllllllllllll

A very cute little story.

3712769 NNNNNnnNNNNOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo TwiShy is an amazing thing! I'm so glad there was none, :pinkiecrazy:

Edit: to clarify, I'm glad there was no twishy. And I dislike it, miswording fouled me up.

3713937 You saying my Serina's story was not good enough for TwiShy?

You win everything with that title.

Interesting.
The new existence— acceptance achieved.
May the vicious fall into darkness and begone.
Excellent work, dear Author!:pinkiehappy:

Heck yes! I loved this story! Flutterbat is best pony!

3715013 I dislike Twishy. Or any main 6 pairing. It cheapens their friendship.

3717678 Depends how it is approached, most choose the cheap "Oh I have a crush I cant seem to find the courage to act on" approach.
Keep an open mind child.

3716566

What sorcery is this?! This is the first comment I see from you that isn't 100% yellow!

3720335
Oh, hello there!:twilightsheepish:
That's because it isn't me speaking. That's Tenko.

Very nice story. Yay for Flutterbat.

MORE MOORE MOOOOOORE :flutterrage:
and apples on the sides please :fluttercry:

3717699 Sure, kid. But I'm afraid I'll still disagree.

Didn't like it all that much, although it isn't bad. Just doesn't speak to me, is all.

I'm just commenting to point out a few more technical things.

She shook her head, no need to think about it anymore, it was over.

The first comma is out of place here, I think. Reads awkward to me. I'd put an en-dash here:

She shook her head – no need to think about it anymore, it was over.

If you don't like those, make that into two sentences. With the comma the pause between "She shook her head" and "no need to think about it anymore" just is too short.
The same goes for this one:

She looked down to see a puddle, what she saw wasn’t her.

I remember you did this a few times throughout the story.

Fluttershy sighed and turned over on the couch, the moonlight shining through the window.

The moonlight is of exactly no significance here and it has no relation to Fluttershy turning on the couch. Move it out to somewhere were you are describing scenery either way or just leave it out completely. How it is now it reads like the moonlight shining through the window somehow relates to Fluttershy turning over.

It had been almost a week since the incident at Sweet Apple Acres where she had turned into, literally, a vampire.

Why the "literally"? "Turning into a vampire" is not some kind of idiom (as far as I know), so there is not really the danger of being misunderstood.

She looked over at Angel Bunny who had his little arms crossed with a stern frown on his face.

Either there is a comma missing here or there are misplaced commas at other places, like here:

The mare looked towards Angel, who was sitting in his bed reading.

I don't know which of the two is correct, unfortunately.

She had been having nightmares ever since she came back home from Sweet Apple Acres, and they just seemed to be getting worse.

I think a comma in front of an "and" only appears in enumerations. This is not an enumeration, so loose the comma. Well, at least I think so, I'm not quite sure.

She shook her head, no need to think about it anymore, it was over.

Same thing as the first problem. Here I would lean to making "She shook her head" its own sentence.

It had been almost a week since the incident at Sweet Apple Acres where she had turned into, literally, a vampire.

The same as with the whole "who" situation.

Not to mention after every two, she fell asleep for less than a few minutes.

The comma belongs before the "after". As you have written it now it reads like there is something mentioned after every two apples.
I think the sentence in itself is a bit awkward, but I don't have any suggestion.

Fluttershy had only been up for less than three hours if you count the five minute naps.

First: "if you counted"
Second: I don't even know what that means. If she had lain awake for three hours now I don't know why there is an "only" and I am not sure why you'd put the five minute naps into there. Just try to remember what you wanted to say here and rewrite - it doesn't make sense the way it is written now.

Angel, is so sweet even if he’ll never admit it.

No comma here.

One look at a juicy apple, Apple Jack showed her and the beast within took over.

Also no comma here. Her name is "Applejack". Also, how does that make sense? If Applejack was there to show her the apple how could she have missed it if Fluttershy suddenly lost control? Of course it is conceivable the whole thing went unnoticed, but it seems like a stretch and it should be mentioned explicitly. "She was just thankful her friends didn’t spot her fangs" is not enough, as this just talks about the fangs, not her loosing control.

Since then, she had been afraid of anypony seeing her in such a state

No comma here.

Well, you could call it solitude if you didn’t count the ton of animals that needed caring for everyday or, now, night.

"that needed caring for everyday and -night"
"that needed caring for everyday, or now, at night"

Unfortunately, her new body didn’t take too kindly to mornings.

I thin there's no comma here, but I am not sure.

Although, they came to visit every now and again, most of the animals weren’t nocturnal, and it was simple putting them through too much trouble to ask them to stay up with her.

The first comma needs to go, the second should be a period, the "simple" should be a "simply".

Angel had refused to sleep like the other animals, he made it clear that he was going to keep her company. She smiled, Angel always knew how to make her happy even though the little things.

Make that four sentences.

It was so beautiful, the lunar moths and fireflies gathered around the sleeping flower beds as the owls hooted their nighttime tunes to each other.

I think this would read better if you replaced "gathered" with "gathering".

Fluttershy looked down, she, once again, felt like a filly being scolded.

"Fluttershy looked down" should be it's own sentence.

“I know, Angel. No super speeding in the cottage.”

I don't get it.

Nopony was going to get hurt because of me.

This is a thought, so "Nopony is going to get hurt because of me".

She trotted over to the apple, picked it up, and bite down hard.

Past tense, so "bit down hard".

Her fangs piercing the shiny, red surface as fresh juice rolled off her lips.

pierced

She frowned as she saw Angel give her a look, this look is one she had been getting since she came home around a week ago and sucked apples dry.

"She frowned as she saw Angel giving her a look. This look was one she had been getting since she had come home around a week ago and had sucked apples dry."
or
"[...] around a week ago, sucking apples dry."

Angel made what sounded like a ‘pffttt’ sound as he stomped his tiny foot on the pillow.

A sound is exactly the sound which it sounds like, so
"Angle made a 'pffft' sound"
Also: Don't multiply occlusives/plosives (I mean d t g k b p).

Craving fruit, fangs, red eyes, how could she hide any of it from her friends?

I'd write it like this:
"Fangs, red eyes, craving fruit, [...]"
because the other way around it invites the reader to stop and think "What, craving fangs? Oh, right, of course..."
What you wrote is not incorrect, just awkward to read.

At least, the worst parts like the bat wings had disappeared, but she didn’t want to lose control and have them somehow come back.

"the worst parts, like the bat wings, [...]"

It was a wonder when the little thing got any rest.

Either
"It was a wonder that [...]"
or
"It was a mystery when [...]"
I'd lean to the former as the latter could be misunderstood.

She sighed, she couldn’t keep this up, not with Angel sacrificing his daily life just to help her.

Two sentences again. Or maybe even three, but the latter two don't really need to be separated.

Fluttershy shakely laid a hoof on the cool stones outside her cottage.

I think "set" fits better her then "laid". "Laying a hoof somewhere" reads like she is gripping/feeling/touching it, not like stepping, but the most important thing she does her is just that - taking her first step outside. All those other things seem to be less important.

The cold, night air danced through her fur as she trotted further down the path.

"The cold night air"
Night is not an adjective, "night air" is one noun. This can be better seen in German, where it is "Nachtluft". "Cold" references the "night air", so no comma between "cold" and "night air".

“See? Not so bad, right?” More so trying to encourage herself more than Angel.

I am not sure how to correct this, but the speech and what follows should be one sentence. Ask someone else.

She looked at the little bunny how seemed to be frozen in place staring up at the sky.

I guess this is a typo.

Her blood ran cold as she felt her breath catch in her throat. She recognized the shapes of the creatures flying towards them. They were bats, but not just any bats, vampire bats. She wanted to run, to be anyplace but here, yet she found her legs locked in place as the bats descended on them. She heard a small ‘eep’ escape from her lips as Angel Bunny held onto her mane tightly.

Yeah, this one is definitely not technical in the least. Somehow I can't picture Fluttershy as being afraid of bats.

Fluttershy closed her eyes not wanting to see the bats any longer.

"Fluttershy closed her eyes, not wanting [...]"

She waited, waited for the bats to collide with her being and take her away into the night or worse.

I think the "being" in here is quite awkward and certainly unnecessary. I'd advise to leave it out.

After a moment of nothing,

I certainly get what you are trying to do here, but I don't think you are succeeding. Well, it probably is a matter of taste.

Fluttershy nodding and adding the occasional ‘mhm’ as she listened to him.

Remember, this should be past tense.

When the bat finished, he took a step back and bowed his head.

I am nut entirely sure why, but I don't like this. It seems grammatically wrong in some way. The comma? Tense? I wish I knew.

Fluttershy shuffled her hooves as she hid half her face behind her, quite messy, mane.

No commas here.

She couldn’t just say no, could she?She sighed and looked up at the bats.

Forgot a space there.

Fluttershy nodded to him as she spread her wings, taking to the dark sky. Her path towards Sweet Apple Acres.

Now, this is one sentence, not two. Replace the period with a comma.

She spat out the skin and seeds from her mouth as she landed on the ground. Fluttershy rubbed her foreleg and hid her face behind her mane. “Oh my… I’m sorry.”

The bats chirped at each other shaking their heads. Mr. Bat waved his wing, and they fell silent.

I don't get it. Seems like totally legitimate Vampire Fruit Bat behavior to me. Why would the bats be upset about this?
If you didn't intend them to come across as upset, you might want to rework this.

it would be delicious and yummy and

This is an enumeration, so bring on the commas.

I just, can’t.

No comma. If you want there to be a pause... use an ellipsis.

She looked at her wings, they were bat wings.

I'd replace the comma with a colon. Also, wings twice in one sentence. I'm not sure how to rectify that.

Mr. Bat chirped a few times and nodded as Fluttershy gasped. “Really? So it’s only the first time you get like that?”

Not a technical one: Why would a vampire fruit bat know that?

Hope I could help.

3724804 I am sure not thinking is bliss my son, keep riding that horse I suppose.

3727059 I do think, I've not told you you can't cognitively function, let's please not throw insults. I disagree for multiple reasons, but this is my last comment on the subject- regardless what you say next. The author doesn't need spam.

3726195
Thanks for commenting and taking your time to do some corrections on my story! I took most of your advice and fixed almost everything and I have a few answers to your questions!

One look at a juicy apple, Apple Jack showed her and the beast within took over.

Also no comma here. Her name is "Applejack". Also, how does that make sense? If Applejack was there to show her the apple how could she have missed it if Fluttershy suddenly lost control? Of course it is conceivable the whole thing went unnoticed, but it seems like a stretch and it should be mentioned explicitly. "She was just thankful her friends didn’t spot her fangs" is not enough, as this just talks about the fangs, not her loosing control.

It makes sense in the way of that she can't really lose control anymore. Not like she did last time. That's explained at the end. She just is so afraid of losing control that she fears what she doesn't know, really.

Her blood ran cold as she felt her breath catch in her throat. She recognized the shapes of the creatures flying towards them. They were bats, but not just any bats, vampire bats. She wanted to run, to be anyplace but here, yet she found her legs locked in place as the bats descended on them. She heard a small ‘eep’ escape from her lips as Angel Bunny held onto her mane tightly.

Yeah, this one is definitely not technical in the least. Somehow I can't picture Fluttershy as being afraid of bats.

I can. With what she went though. Think about it. Pinkie probably exagratted the crap out of it to Fluttershy on the walk back to the barn or Ponyville where Fluttershy became terrified of the image of her being like that. So when she realized she craved apples like before she was terrified. The bats link back to a bad incident. A incident where she attacked her friends as a "monster."

She spat out the skin and seeds from her mouth as she landed on the ground. Fluttershy rubbed her foreleg and hid her face behind her mane. “Oh my… I’m sorry.”

The bats chirped at each other shaking their heads. Mr. Bat waved his wing, and they fell silent.

I don't get it. Seems like totally legitimate Vampire Fruit Bat behavior to me. Why would the bats be upset about this?
If you didn't intend them to come across as upset, you might want to rework this.

They're upset because she's not embracing her gift of being a vampire fruit pony. She apologized for doing something that was natural for them to do.

Mr. Bat chirped a few times and nodded as Fluttershy gasped. “Really? So it’s only the first time you get like that?”

Not a technical one: Why would a vampire fruit bat know that?

Baby bats. This is totally headcannon but I think they act nuts when they first feed, that's why it causes such disaster for farmers. They eat every fruit in sight until they get full then they don't act crazy anymore.

Hope that helps! :pinkiehappy:

3728294
Glad I could help.

It makes sense in the way of that she can't really lose control anymore. Not like she did last time. That's explained at the end. She just is so afraid of losing control that she fears what she doesn't know, really.

That certainly makes sense. The problem is, that Fluttershy herself believed to have lost control. As this story seems to be written from her perspective (although not first person) it should bother her.

I can. With what she went though. Think about it. Pinkie probably exagratted the crap out of it to Fluttershy on the walk back to the barn or Ponyville where Fluttershy became terrified of the image of her being like that. So when she realized she craved apples like before she was terrified. The bats link back to a bad incident. A incident where she attacked her friends as a "monster."

Well, but...
:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:
No, I got nothing. Makes perfect sense.

They're upset because she's not embracing her gift of being a vampire fruit pony. She apologized for doing something that was natural for them to do.

Oh, Fluttershy supposedly is able to understand the bats, so I think you should give the reader a hint on why the bats are acting up. I think Fluttershy apologizing for being sorry would be one way.

Baby bats. This is totally headcannon but I think they act nuts when they first feed, that's why it causes such disaster for farmers. They eat every fruit in sight until they get full then they don't act crazy anymore.

It's not a "headcannon" (unless you mean you have artillery shooting heads) but "headcanon". Ahem, sorry.
Makes sense.

Hope that helps! :pinkiehappy:

Well, stuff makes certainly more sense now.

Just keep one thing in mind: If your main character is aware of some explanation, you either have to inform the reader, too, in some way, or keep it a mystery on purpose.

Well, I hope I can help, too.:twilightsmile:

3728357
Gah more work. I'll have to look over the story and see if I can squeeze anything in! :duck:

3728403 Oh, I don't know. It is perfectly fine to not change a story (beyond grammar, sentence structure and stuff like that) after it's been published. Actually I think you should either take the time to rework whole paragraphs or just keep it as it is - squeezing anything in could be a medicine worse than the disease.

3728430
Hm, alright. I suppose if anyone get's confused they could always ask me.

if only this could become a series...

3728437 wow. This deserves a gold star. Good job. :pinkiehappy:

3735765
I can't start another multi chapter story! I can't! :raritydespair:

3739733
Thank you!!! :raritystarry:

3744846 aw man this woulda been a good multi chapter story:applecry::fluttershysad:

well it seams some one was in my equestria and was stalking fluttershy to write this

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