• Member Since 9th Oct, 2017
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Nailah


Pineapple Love. Beloved Mare. Follow me on Discord: Godfrog#4197 Support me on: My patreon https://ko-fi.com/nailah

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In a world without friendship and magic, a young unicorn must learn how to survive and adapt to the changes around her, without changing who she is.

Pre-reader: Stinium_Ruide

Editor: Stinium_Ruide

Cover art: Cloptimist

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 2 )

“Congratulations, it’s a beautiful, and healthy unicorn mare,” Nurse Red Heart announced as she hurried to put a diaper onto the little one, and handed her to her mother, so she could see her for the first time.

Nurse Redheart's name is one word. Also, she would be a filly, not a mare. You want to keep your chapter names consistent too. This should have "Chapter 1:" somewhere in there.

Train Tracks beamed wildly, letting out an excited neigh. He immediately reached for the small bundle in his wife’s forelegs, being very careful as he lifted her up. Noticing those big wide violet eyes, they really were just like his. His daughter. He grinned, proud to call her theirs, but realizing quickly, she needed a name. “Love, we should give our baby a name. We can’t just call her baby after all.” Train chuckled, and rolled his eyes, at the mere thought of such a thing.

You need to hit the enter key there.

“Snow...you want to be a good girl right? Good girls take their baths. You know that, don’t you?” asked Melody, reaching out, and lightly ruffling her mane, tussling her hoof through it, and making her filly giggle.

Remember to hit the space key after the ellipses.

Snow Heart sat on her hindquarters, her front forelegs crossed against her chest. “Hmph. I don’t care,” Snow pouted.

The spacing is awkward here.

“Snow, listen I know this is a big change but you shouldn’t ever say such a thing. This is going to be your little brother or sister, and they’ll need you to guide them.” Train explained, as gently as he could. He reached his hoof out to gently pet her head.

That should be a comma ending your sentence, not a period.

The doors opened and a nurse came through, looking directly at him. “Congratulations, you are a proud father once more,” Red Heart said, pausing for a moment. “You may come in now, your wife is perfectly fine and you have a beautiful baby filly pegasus.”

"Baby filly pegasus" is redundant. She just needs to be called a filly.

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