Joy
We all go through grief and loss at some point in our lives...
The night I learned that my brother was dead was, and will be, the worst of my life. I am certain that nothing will ever compare to this pain. Losing him has been the most painful experience imaginable. The death of my only brother left me with an open wound that will never heal. It's a feeling like having to continue on with life, with only half a heart. Nothing I do in this moment, aside from hurting myself or others, is wrong. I screamed the word 'no' for hours until my voice was gone.
I've always wondered how would it be after someone died, would it be peaceful? Or would it be painful? There are those people on TV who claim they've came back to life, and know everything about it. But I still didn't get any answers. Oh well...
Somehow I realized when I got myself to bed that this was the first night I would not awaken at 2 AM, wondering where my brother was. Exhausted and mentally and physically sick, I fell asleep for 10 hours, and did not even turn over.
I just sat alone in an empty white room. The light from the morning sun gave the room the light it needed, it was like somehow God tried to cheer me up with His creation. Sadly, I wasn't in the mood. Whether He wanted me to smile or help me from the feelings I had, I didn't seem to care. I did was just a staring contest with the wall in front of me. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to think about it anymore. My brain was tired beyond all reason. It used to think of something ridiculously funny or just being a total asshole. But after my brother's death, it couldn't think of anything. Not even cheer me up with those random shits it somehow could give me whenever I was sad. But I believe it too tired from all the grieves and loses and challenges that has been given to me for this past months. My eyes were sure heavy as hell. I could feel the bags under my eyes, but I couldn't get to sleep. All of this... it made me sick. Honestly, I once really thought about ending my life. With letting this cancer spread back throughout my body and took control of me until I couldn't give a damn about life anymore. But I know, my parents didn't want me to die like that. Or at least giving up. I know my brother would tell me the same thing too. He always told me to stay strong. Stay positive.
As I look at my surroundings, now... without him... it seemed... very empty. But I could still hear his voices when he read the story for me. I could still see his silhouette, sitting on the chair next to me, sleeping, waiting for me to get up. Good ol' days eh?
Three knocks disturbed me from my thoughts as I stare at the door in annoyance; but confused at the same time. Usually, the nurse or doctor would just came in to the room without even knocking. Eh, maybe a visitor right?
"Come in." I said while looking at the door.
The door opened ever so slowly, as if whose behind it was very shy to come inside. I waited patiently until the door opened to reveal the person behind it. No. Pony behind it. There, standing on the doorway, was the most adorable pony I have ever seen. I know what it was, no... who she was. But my brain was just turning on its system for the answers for this situation. Is it really her? I blinked several times, but the image was still the same. She clearly was standing on the doorway, with a soft smile from her lips, looking directly at my eyes. I rub my eyes one more time, but she was still there!
Brain.exe not found
Oh great
"Hey." The purple alicorn said as sweet as possible. I just stare at her. For real I just stared at that pony. What else could I do anyway. No way I'm going to jump out of the window. Let alone the window, I couldn't even walk. I was so sure it was just a dream until I did something I regret. I pinched my arm so hard, only to yelp from the pain. She looked at me with confusion and concern in her eyes, I could tell. She waited patiently at the doorway, waiting for my response.
Not wanting to be rude, I decided to reply, "H-hey." I internally cursed to myself of how sore my throat was.
She closed the door behind her with her magic and trot over to me, still giving me that smile that somehow managed to make my heart relax for a bit. She stood next to my bed, still looking at me. When I just stared at her, she decided to say something but I cut her off.
"Why are you even here?"
She looked at me in confusion when I asked that. Tilting her head to the side, she answered, "You need help, right?"
I frowned upon hearing those words. I looked away from her and sigh. "No, I don't need any help."
She placed a hoof on my left arm, looking at me with concern. "You sure? 'Cause I don't think so."
"How the hell do you know that I need it?" I asked, turning my head to see her in the eyes. "And how are you so sure that I need any help?"
She shook her head slightly. "That doesn't matter. Please, you need help."
I raised an eyebrow. Not wanting to make things sense anymore, I looked away again. "Why the hell you want to help me anyway?" I asked, my emotions were starting to flood again as I could feel tears in the corner of my eyes.
Don't cry you pathetic fuck
Yeah, I have to convince her that I'm okay. I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems. Let alone a pony from God knows where like her. So why the hell would she travel to this planet to just make me comfortable again?
"Because you need it. I know what you have gone through. I've seen it all. And I'm here to help you to get through it."
That's it. Lo and behold, I couldn't hold the tears any longer. Looking away from her, tears starting to made their way down my cheeks. I hate to admit it, but I cried. Fuck, I cried. I seriously didn't want to think any of it. But that she was here, she made me to remember all of the things that I've lost. My parents, my brother. I couldn't blame her though, she just wanted to help. And by letting out my emotions to someone else is a way to get better. It's a small step, but better in any way. I placed my hands to cover my face as I cried harder.
"Hey, hey," Twilight rubbed her hoof back and forth on my arm, "It's okay... let it all out."
I couldn't fight back the tears. Damn, I wish I could. They just keep flowing down my cheeks as I sob into my hands, hoping that something would just end this all for me. Everything was hollow. Everything. I then felt a wing wrapped around my shoulders. Pulling me close to her, Twilight let me leaned on her.
"You don't have to talk about it. Just know that I'm here for you." She said as she continued to rub my arm and pull me closer to her. Finally, after what felt like hours, the tears finally stop. God, my eyes.
Through my sobs, I could only choke one word to her. "Thanks..."
She smiles warmly at me. Though, I still feel this isn't over yet. Cause when she leaves, I could only sense one thing that's always present in this room. Alone. I don't want to be alone. But when it comes with the virus, everyone is too scared to go outside. Even if they want to. I put my both hands on my thigh and stare blankly at the ceiling. Wondering what next activity will be. Though, I already know the answer. Eat, sleep, cry, repeat.
Twilight notices my expression as she looks at my face, then to my lap. Slowly as to not hurt my sore body, she climbs onto my lap, sitting on it. I didn't notice it at first until she begins to nuzzle my chest. I look down at this tiny pastel pony, who is pressing her cheek deeper onto my chest. The warmth she's giving me makes me feel... safe. Makes me feel more comfortable than before. On their own accord, my arms instinctively wrap around her. Pulling her close to me, I sob quietly. Her fur is so soft, it's better than this bed sheet. She doesn't protest, instead, she nuzzle the crook of my neck and let out a satisfying sigh.
I don't know how long I sit here with her. Minutes? Hours? Frankly, I don't even care. Her soft fur, her warmth, her steady breath somehow makes my pain and grief vanish slowly. I wish I could be like this forever. Finally, I stop sobbing. But I'm still trying to calm myself down.
"Oh, Twilight," I manage to speak up, feeling a bit guilty for her. "I'm so-"
She cut me off by putting her foreleg on my lips. "Shh... no need."
I hold her hoof and bring it away so I can speak. "But... why? Why you travel all way to here? Don't you have an important mission right now instead of this?"
She chuckles adorably. "This is my mission silly. To help you feel happy." I look at her as she gives me that warm smile again. "Don't worry, you may think that you're alone. That your family had passed away, leaving you all alone. But when you cry all night, I'll make sure to be here for you. I'll rearrange my schedule and sleep here with you so you don't feel lonely anymore. How's that?"
I couldn't believe what I've just heard. All this times, only my brother that came to visit. But when he's gone, no one came anymore. No one even bother except for the doctors and the nurses. They always tried to cheer me up but to no avail. But this alicorn right here, she's showing it from her heart. Truly, from her heart. I pull her close again, cherish every moment of me being with her.
"Yes, yes, of course you can come here. Any time." I say as a tear manage to make it's way down my left cheek. But I know this isn't a tear that all those nights I cried. No. This is tear of joy. Finally, from all those days, I can feel hope rise again inside me. I have found a spark that I've been searching for so long. I have found a friend that truly care about me. And here she is. Her name, is Twilight Sparkle. And I will never, ever, lose a friend like this.
"Lay down." She says with caring tone. I comply, I slowly lay on my side; my back is pressing against her. The lavender alicorn get hold of the sheets with her magic and wrap them around the both of us, using her wings as she wriggle herself into me so that I'm cocoon within her embrace.
It is really astounding to know that somewhere out there, there is some world full of colorful magical talking equines. Somehow with the technology or magic to interdimensional travel. All of it seem too good to be true, but then I realise something. It's 7:32 AM and I'm shock that I'm able to read the clock. Without even realising, I had done a reality check, this is real, all of this is really happening!
Her little lavender paws are wrapping around my chest, her tail coil between my legs gently stroking them with a swishing motion. I feel her wet button nose touch my back, and it is really cute. Another tear begin to fell from my eyes as I smile happily, I had never felt so loved in all of my life if I may honest. The warmth that was created between us is perfectly incredible, her soft silky fur caressing my skin, making my insides turn to mush. But this is unfair, so I turn around from I once assumed spooning position to bring her into the folks of my arms, something about her give me the sense that even Princesses need a special cuddle too, and she definitely seems to like this. A lot.
I begin to pat her head and scratch behind her ears, she lets out this adorable little purring sound as I gently rub the back of her head and down her mane, the whole motion flowing perfectly in time. All of the aches and pains from before have been completely replaced with a ball of fluffy snuggles and purring ecstasy. For the first time in my life, this is the most blissful moment I have ever been. The little alicorn let out soft little licks of my hand, her ears twitching every now and then in a playful manner.
"Thank you, Twilight... thank you." I say as I pull her even close. She proceed her licks on the crook of my neck and nuzzle it. I feel my eyes are heavier than before. With a yawn, I put my head on her mane and close my eyes for the blissful slumber. Because I know, if she's nowhere to be found tomorrow, she'll always come back for me. Keeping me company when I was feeling lonely. Because I knew, a true friend, would never leave their friends alone.
Before I fell asleep under her wings, I could hear her said a few words very calmly and motherly. "Sweet dreams."
We will not get over our grief, we will not go through our grief. Our grief becomes part of who we are. Living with the pain slowly becomes the new normal. If we are lucky we will find a counselor or a support system that will keep us safe and moving forward. Over a period of time which is different for everyone, the pain softens and becomes a room in our heart. The door to this room must stay open. We must visit it and work with it regularly. If we shut the door, the pain may leak out in unexpected and unhealthy ways.
We all have opinions on the worst days, the best days, the best and worst years on this path. Unquestionably the anniversary of our loved one's death is the worst day of the year. It is good to plan the day - a ritual of candles and family (which I don't have anymore), a walk in nature, placing flowers, something that acknowledges in a meaningful way the transition. You will find a way.
This is for you, brother...
In loving memory of
MorningShield
20 April 2000 - 29 July 2020
May God have mercy on your soul
Approximately:
Writing time: 2 hours 10 minutes
Editing time: 15 minutes
As I write this, it has been two weeks since my brother died. I do not go a week without tears. Sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner, cause I really had a lot of things in my mind. There is a place inside me that carries the weight of a headstone. But I am stronger for it. And occasionally now I find moments of joy. And I'm happy to be here. On this site, where my friends truly care about me. Even though I can't see you guys in person, at least I know your spirits are here with me. And I'm happy for that. Thank you guys... Thank you...
Also, if you don't mind me adding this music, you can listen to it. This one always makes my heart at ease.
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Very nice! I know that feeling with my cat
I hope your doing okay. My condolences. The only thing I could say is to cherish the moments you had with him and keep moving forward.
I'm sorry for your loss man.
😥
I'm very sorry for your loss.
I'm really sorry for your loss, I'm crying while reading....
I'm sorry for your loss mate
I wish I could do more than just write a comment telling you I’m sorry for your loss, but then even if I could, I’m not sure I would know what to do. All I can say is that you continue to live for them. May he, and everyone who’s died from this virus, Rest In Peace.
That was really beautiful. Good job. My sincerest condolences to you, TasteDaRainbow. I hope love and happiness find their way back to you again. Hereʼs an upvotes for all your struggles.
Isn't it the truth? Sorry to hear about the brother and not sure of what much else to say that someone else didn't already say, other than I lost my mom 3 years ago, and the grief gets easier to deal with as time goes on. But it SUCKS at the worst parts of it.
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I'm sorry to hear that dude, and yeah, it sucks at first. But I'm sure I can go through this.
Im very sorry for your loss. This story is beautiful.
Sending my love out
RIP your brother... 
Hey dude, if you ever need anyone to talk to, we are all here for you. Even if we are in the middle of something, we will drop it to support you. Because no matter what, you are never alone. If we could do more, I'm sure we would. I would personally hug you and spend as much time with you as you need, and then some. Please, if you ever need any help with anything, do not hesitate to ask.
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Thanks a lot guys. All of you. I mean it. You seriously brought tears to my eyes right now.
I'm sorry for your loss. I've lost people in my life too, but no one nearly as close as a brother, so I can't imagine the pain you're going through. Just know that you're never truly alone. It may seem that way when you're sitting in a room by yourself, but there are plenty of people that will be there for you whenever you need it.
I won't lie, I want to cry. I want to do anything to help, but I can't. The only thing I can do is this:
-Don't give up, live your life as best as you can, and stay strong.
I wish farewell to your brother.
I'm sorry for your loss. We do all go through pain in our lives, some of us move on, some of us don't. Our pain can eat us away if we let it.
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You're very welcome.
It pains me so that the number of fimfic users that I found out secondhand passed away is more than zero. Life pushes on, friend. All we can do is breathe a weary sigh and never forget those who have left.
Don't let this show or this site consume you. Take solace in whatever makes you feel better, but you can't whittle life away with escapism. I'm glad you know to cry. It always makes things better.
Sorry for your brother an fi hope for the best for your family.
Ouch.
I'm so sorry about your brother, and what you're facing. This story was definitely from the heart, and I loved what you said about grief and loss being a room in our heart we must tend. I can't pretend to be as well acquainted with loss as you are. But being forced to go without those you love? It's maddening. I'm sure he's found his way to a good place devoid of the hurt we all face here on earth, and I hope things will become better. You're both loved and appreciated. Thank you for writing this story.
Sorry for your loss. Boy, that's really too soon to pass away.
I think it's hard to realize the gravity of the pandemic until someone close to home is impacted.
It never goes away. You just make room for it.
No matter what, you will never be alone. We are all here for you to talk, and to help.
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Thank you so much folks. All of your words really help me to stay positive and that I will make it through this. Stay safe kay, don't worry about me too much, I'll be fine.
Requiescat in Pace
Your Brother
MelodicPony*
*: The guy who made the wonderful music at the end. A few years ago at age 27, stroke, I believe. He had the best orchestral music.
I lost my mother to Pancreatic Cancer on August 31st 2019 and it is now August 11th 2020, twenty days to go yet before a full year passes since she died. All I can tell you is that you will have moments where the grief brings you to your knees, but your love for your brother will propel you back onto your feet.
I hope my comment helps.
Oh Taste, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for this piece and your honesty, it’s truly moving...and it helps us all to understand what you’re going through just a little bit better. I...haven’t known what to say...but to echo what others have said, know that we’re all here if you need anything. Be it a listening ear, someone to talk to, etc, don’t hesitate to reach out. You’re our friend and it’s our pleasure to help and be here for you in any way we can. Really.
If writing helps, keep on writing (whether stories or blogs or anything). If crying helps, let it out. If laughing helps, we will send you the funniest crap we can find on the internet. You can’t physically see us...but we’re here, praying and thinking about you.
You got this.
Sorry for your loss. F.
good fic...
we all probably wouldn't mind a sequel. maybe have some of Twilight's friends come to visit. When she is unavailable.
Twilight Sparkle is best pony.
I am so sorry for your loss. Anyway this was a good story...As far as the music. I went another way. I listened to "I'll be holdin on" by Gregg Allman. From the 1989 motion picture "BLACK RAIN".
I’m so sorry for your loss. To die so young... My grandmother died last year, but given her declining health, we all had years to come to terms with the inevitability of her passing. I can’t imagine how I would feel if my little brother died right now. Or rather, I’m afraid to imagine it.
God rest his soul, and may His peace be with you always.
I know your pain of loss. It sucks. There are no words that can help you really, One day at a time is the only thing that can happen.
Just know that there are other that feel your pain though not the same.
I am deeply sorry for your loss. Know that there will always be people who care for you.
: hug :
God bless you and your brothers soul. I'm incredibly sorry for you loss.
I hope you find your peace. The memory of him will live on through the love of him in your heart. I wish I had more to say, but I'm simply unable to say much other than what I have here. My condolences are yours.
I'm sorry for your loss doesn't really cover it. It can't cover it. The hollowness you feel inside, that doesn't change. I can't say that I understand exactly, because I don't. Losing someone is different for everybody. I can say, with all honesty, that I've been there. I lost my brother several years ago.
For months I kept expecting phone calls to ask me when I was going to come over, and I kept expecting to have to watch an old worn out tape of the first My Little Pony movie. And even today I will occasionally wake up, still sleepy, and expect that phone call.
The only thing I can offer is some words of wisdom, "Some say that the path from inner turmoil begins with a friendly ear. My ear is open if you care to use it."
In my, somewhat limited, experience with death, I have found that so long as you continue to, at the very least, try to find hope in hopeless situations then you will always find a way to inspire others and help everyone around you, no matter how dark and terrible this world gets, it will only get better if we look out for one another. I know that we have never met and I did not know your brother, but a life lost is still a life that is lost. Don't let this bring you don't, use it if you have to, but don't let it control you.
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Thank you guys... I... I'm at loss for words. You really are the bestest. I just wish I could see you in person and tell you how your words means a lot to me.
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I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.
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He is a great musician. Sadly, I found out that he's dead 4 years ago. I never got a chance to say him 'hi' or thank him for making those gorgeous musics.
Although I was confused about some things, this was good.
I'm terribly sorry for you.
I have a younger sister who means the world and then some for me, and I can't imagine losing her. She went through depression and tried to leave this world already in the past... and I only learned that years later. She is getting way better nowadays, but I'll never stop worrying about her or forget the pain I felt when she told me.
I'm completely with you here, I really hope you find it in you to go through this. And I hope you can find comfort in this community and what unites us all. Because, just like you captured it in this beautiful story, I can guarantee that Twilight and her friends would be there in a heartbeat to help us, to help you.
May your brother rest peacefully, and all my love to you, TasteDaRainbow.
Dang, I'm really sorry dude. I now know that they've been gone for a while now but again, I'm really sorry for your loss.
sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your lost
3 years huh?
Im sorry you lost your buddy
But im glad you made this
THE TEAAAAARRRSSS