• Member Since 7th May, 2020
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

The Toaster

Writing for the fun of it.

Comments ( 1434 )

Darth Vader in an Equestria where humans are slaves?

This is going to end in Hellsing Ultimate levels of bloodshed.


"A slave, He was a slave all his life, from the moment he was born, to the day of his rise to galactic power, It was not noticible, however, he always remained a slave, only by a different master, first by the Hutts, then Watto, then the Jedi Order and then finally, Darth Sidious, he never had a choice in his life, he always had a straight path to follow, where people expected him to act without question, it made him hate them, disillusioned, and making himself become a person he never imagined he could become, a monster with no remorse, with nothing to lose, a war machine fueled by anger and hate, but on this planet, all this anger will be taken to another level, seeing slavery in all its glory prospering without limits or restrictions, he would change that, he had the power to do that, his power came from all the anger created by these abominations, his anger would lead him to victory, and with his victory, their chains would be broken, the force will punish"

This might just be the single worst run on sentance I have ever seen in my entire life. Holy shit.

Really? What did i do wrong? Care to tell for me to correct?

You have a lot of commas in places where you should have put periods. It should have been a paragraph made of multiple sentences, not a single huge sentence.

I see, I'll fix it, thanks for letting me know

Executor, not Executioner for Vaders ship. A few oddly written sentences and a few names that needed to be capitalized but beyond all that lots of good stuff here and I look forward to seeing how this goes.

Here. Are some good resources.

Generally you want a sentance to contain a single idea. So, for example...

A slave, He was a slave all his life, from the moment he was born, to the day of his rise to galactic power,

A slave. <- Is a single idea.
He was a slave all his life. <- another single idea.
From the moment he was born to the day he rose to the height of galactic power. <- another single idea.

Thank you! Sorry for the error! Thats how the ship is called here in my country :rainbowlaugh:

Everything here seems good except for one thing.

The content of the story, for now, is actually really good. I'm digging it.

The only real problem is your use of run-on sentences. Try grouping your ideas or happenings into one sentence or into one idea, even simple revision or switching words around can help. Example:

A few minutes before

Arriving at his destination and getting out of the lightspeed, he found himself in an interesting solar system, two moons orbited a green planet...

But there was a continent in that green giant that stood out, it was completely black, a darkness that he only had seen in Dathomir, perhaps even rivaling it, you could see clouds with extraordinary storms, he would deduce that it could be a Sith relic that would inhabit that region, or something powerful...

A few minutes before

Dropping out of lightspeed Vader arrived at an interesting solar system. The planet on his scanner was a green planet orbited by two moons.

It wasn't all green though. A portion of the planet was completely covered in dark ominous storms, similar to that on Dathomir. Vader thought that there may be a sith relic inhabiting that region. Or perhaps something even more powerful.....

Although that isn't a good example of flow. You want to be careful to not have your whole story be a single whole run-on sentence, but you also don't want your story to become just a list of chronologically ordered ideas.

I see you explaining a lot of things that are inherently given with what you originally said. Example:

they were Royal Guards, the emperor's most elite soldiers, they were there to protect and assist with everything he needed.

It is a good idea to explain or describe elements that you think the reader might not understand. However, this is too much. Someone should be able to guess that they're there to protect and serve Vader based on the fact that "they are royal guards, the emperor's most elite soldiers" You know what I mean? When you added in that last part in this specific example it ended up becoming redundant as well as creating a run-on sentence and an area of text that is weird to read. Just try not to get caught up making sure everything is explained. Sometimes the readers just have to figure it out.

Sorry for the block of text. I hope this helps as I'd like to see where this story goes.

I wonder how his strength will compare in general

Ok! I understand! I will try to avoid those in the future, it's because many people may not know the capabilities of the royal guards, as they almost do nothing in all the movies, however, I don't want to bore people to death with the details you know? And thank you for the criticism! I really appreciate it!

1. Run-on sentenced, though Jest already pointed it out.

2. Why would Green Squadron announce who they are? That’s not what they do or should do. Most they could do is say they’re the Rebel Alliance, but only the Empire should do that as they’re the governing body of the majority of the galaxy.

3. Vader calls officers by their rank, not just “officer”.

4. It’s good that you’re describing them, but just call them Mouse Droids. That’s what they are.

5. Tarkin...alive? Vader does not have control of the Executor until after Tarkin’s death aboard the Death Star. In Legends, it was only after when Vader took the Executor and a fleet to destroy the Rebel base on Yavin. Only reason why the Rebels escaped was when Admiral Amise Griff’s 3 Star Destroyers pulled out of hyperspace too late and rammed the Executor, leaving a hole in Vader’s blockade allowing the Rebels to escape.

Pretty good story can't wait to read more


luckily/lucky its god of anger, not god of wrath because it be whole different story

I sense DOOM level of bloodshed here.....I NEED IT

Just curious, is there a possibility of Vader sense or encounter a force user human slave later on?

Could do with a proof reading, but otherwise shows promise and a good potential for entertainment.
My only real nit-pick is that Vader ABSOLUTELY would have killed that officer, regardless of how mad Palapatine would be.


Yeah. There's a certain love of run on sentences just in the front page blurb.

And your front page blurb sets the tone for the entire story!

Also, it's "The Force" no matter the context. So example was when you said, "Darth Vader using force managed to save himself, but now his ship was falling quickly on the planet, the atmosphere pulling him more and more, now he was surrounded by flames and falling apart, using force..." Just add the word 'The' in front. I'm very interested in where you'll go with this.

Thank you! and yes i know, but i got no luck in finding one

We will watch your career with great interest. 👀👀👀

Literally just watched Clone Wars Season 7, hoped right on and first story i see is this.

A story where a villain is a hero simply because of how much things suck in a world for one particular race. Wow. I almost feel sorry for the locals. Darth Vader has been a God of Wrath before on his home planet:

Darth Vader suicide run, cool.

Focus and calm. Sounds more like a Jedi. Then again darth is more grey than sith. Just look at much of his interactions. Grey Jedi were Sith Lords. So in my mind it makes sense

Interesting premise. I can only hope the quality holds up as we go along.

Although I have one nitpick. Why would this region of the galaxy be considered 'rebel space'? Why would the rebellion openly hold parts of the galaxy instead of doing guerilla warfare? Isn't that what they did in the original trilogy?

It depends on the regions, many regions in the Outer Rim were so opposed to the empire that many openly joined the rebel alliance, especially after the explosion of the first death star, and killing all imperial garrison's in the system and establishing a strong rebel presence in many of those regions.

Thats some good old 40k logic for ya

I don't know about you, but I have a bad feeling that more than 2 sapient beings are about to have a bad day.

Khuuur Phuuur

Can’t wait for Vader to go Rogue one on the ponies

Just saying, I think it would be better if it was a longer chapter. At least in the 3000-5000 word mark. More is better.

Also, better come up with an explanation on how Vader ended up there. I call BS that Green Squadron pulled it off when they got dickpunched a lot.

PM me if you want. I do have a suggestion on how Vader ended up there.

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