Xaf
Joined 8th Jun, 2020 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- SPY DOG · 34k words · 76 7 · 3.1k views
- Zatoichi Vokunkiin · 56k words · 143 16 · 3.2k views
- Rob_Rhapsody · 12k words · 151 41 · 4.8k views
- Xaf · 13k words · 74 6 · 2.3k views
- Silas5399 · 248k words · 124 44 · 4.5k views
- arandomboi12 · 14k words · 98 21 · 3.4k views
- Neutral Boy · 7.2k words · 58 11 · 2.5k views
- Vartil-Shadowalker · 3.1k words · 50 2 · 1.9k views
Featured In9
Human in Equestria17,023 stories ·16,840 members
Crossovers10,954 stories ·7,367 members
- Human in Equestria 105 stories ·73 members
Anthropomorphics7,629 stories ·5,014 members
Humans are Superior1,248 stories ·4,458 members
Warriors of Equestria1,454 stories ·1,781 members
Your Human and You-verse84 stories ·1,904 members
Delightful Creativity358 stories ·56 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.349 seconds
Total duration
677 users online
826,501 hits today, 2,724,632 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Before I read this, you do NOT want to start off with something like this for your first story, make a one shot and then maybe try a story but a mandalorian displaced in the "your human and you" universe is not really the best start and I actually came here hoping to find a quality story that (hopefully) won't die after the first four chapters, now please note I'm not trying to be rude or mean or anything, so feel free to work on this but just saying feel free to work on a one shot or short story after getting hang on writing
You know their wounds has been cauterize right
10286322
I know but I wanted to try but thanks for the advicxe it will help. And don't worry I will try to bring quality (even if it's my first story) I thought for a long time before make this story so I know how I want to make it but again thank you for the advice I will try to improve it.
10286421
Alright I understand. May I ask why the MC giggled? I mean isn't he a guy and most guys don't giggle? But that's me. But yeah I don't think I'll track this, I'll probably come back to this at some point when you gotten better and edited older chapters soo, good luck it with it dude.
PS: it may help getting a proof reader
10286334
Yeah I know but I wanted to make the thing a little gore and for me it's logic because at a certain time blood will exit the body if an arm is cut but thanks I will try to make things more right.
10286432
You should give him a normal sword to If you really looking for blood and gore Like an adamantium blade
Why the Void?
Discord isn't a void dweller, he is a chaos spirit
If Discord is the one transporting to Equestria then it would more fit if it was happening in his mini dimension
Or that could fit if that was a void dweller in disguise and not a real Discord
Why "demand" is used?
If it was on purpose then he deserves to be backstabbed later when it will be profitable a lot
If you have grammar problems, etc use Grammarly
10286445
yeah it's what I do in the second chapter and when he has used the DArsaber I didn't write there was blood, only members who were cut or something.
10286432
Thanks man I really appreciate I hope when you return the story will be better. See you soon.
10286453
Thanks for the grammatical help and I redone the prologue where you think it was not really correct.
10286461
👍
10286457
One last thing, I just came in to let you know but I just noticed the new chapter is 3k words which is good, anyways back on point the first two chapters are short, and since first one is the prologue it needs to be bigger then a 300 word slap on filler for beginning of the story but you can always do this later, have a good day dude
10286626
thanks again good day to you man.
Quick question, was this Google translated from your native language?
Because the number of grammatical mistakes is staggering, I can't point them all right now as I'm on mobile but pretty much the whole chapter needs a rewrite.
Wait,what?
He just created advanced weapons and technology in a cave in primitive forge?
That doesn't make sense
I think it would have been better if Discord just gave him a multi device for crafting,building and other things, something on a wrist, like some kind of watch
A device that is a material recycler with means it scans martial then,absorbs it by changing into a kind of gas form, then absorbing it. And this device would also have fabricator function to crate ,like a 3D printer, but in the air, from a hologram
Think about games like Subnautica,Prey and No Man’s Sky
Fabricator from Subnautica
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/subnautica/images/6/61/Fabricator_4.gif/revision/latest?cb=20170311154850
Multi-tool from No Man’s Sky
thumbs.gfycat.com/HelpfulUnkemptJoey-size_restricted.gif
nmswp.azureedge.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/beyond-base-building-1.gif
Hmm, nice. I am wondering with the add changeling part as a generic. I wonder if changeling could be a capture kingdom to. LIke something similar as treated as a pest. Since this is alter universe. Like a team up with the rebellion. Just my idea.
10287200
I will do that soon
10286889
I know there is a fault but thanks to Grammarly I will make fewer errors.
10286889
and yes it's the google translate of my native language
10287196
I know it's not logic but it's how I see things let me explain: I want to make the character the most independent possible from Discord and for the forge I know it looks weird but in the CH 3 I will make the forge upgrade to be the forge you can see in the new Mandalorian series of Disney.
But I will take your idea with the device so the character can make more advanced weapons ( I forgot to say in the chapter the weapons are not the best qualities like the star wars weapons it's more like experimentation for the weapons. Thank you for this note I will rewrite the chapter and use what you think it's best.
10287287
Like a laser musket from Fallout 4 but even worse and even more primitive , for example using crystals for basic ocmponents?
i.pinimg.com/originals/ff/b2/06/ffb2066553e71206a5502e8a9a583651.gif
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/fallout/images/1/16/FO4LaserMusket.png/revision/latest?cb=20180104230937
equilibriummod.com/modifications/laser-musket.jpg
i.pinimg.com/originals/22/bc/39/22bc39d911b432529d2d485bb699a326.jpg
10287293
more like the quality of the first gun of human history with the laser and without the long reload so yes like the musket of fallout 4 if you want and the use of the crystals the character finds in the cave. And it's the same thing for the detonators: it's not the star wars quality more like the first grenade humanity has created.
Don't let this darkness control you, because you might not see there are some dat are against this.
10287827
You're not wrong.
10287843
Well he can always be a gray Jedi, mandalorian
They are universal and not limited to their views and powers
cdna.artstation.com/p/assets/images/images/022/144/498/large/vijay-a-a-mandalorian-jedi.jpg?1574270856
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/swfanon/images/a/aa/Gray-jedi.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/340?cb=20170706143913
10287855
It what I want to do. This is why I make him say he doesn't want to go in the dark side because he wants to be neutral in the force like justice or another thing if you want.
You really need to work on your spelling. Plus, adding a bunch of links is what makes me think your trying too hard. Also, a-l-l-y is how you spell ally, not allie.
Whoa, big improvement from the first two. Nice.
Terrible.
I don’t know if your asking us to answer this but please tell.
10288559
I just wanted to make like the stories where the narrator tells the possibility of what the character can do. So no I don't ask to answer the question.
10287968
Thanks for the two pieces of advice. In the next chapter, there will be no links.
This is really horrible
It should be:
"I see you awake, good. Now to explain the situation: in this Equestria, the races have enslaved another species, and I've seen you hated that so it's why I bring you here."
What he said really pissed me off. I hate slavery, it's something disgusting, and if I can stop it I will for sure.
It should be:
That revelation shocked me
.
This story is full of flaws like that. Come on, English isn't my first language either yet I know better than that.
10288856
Yeah I still learn and I have some gaps I try to fix and with the quarantine, it was not easy to learn (I'm still in college).
10288696
Okay
For some reason it gives me the vin to say next time on Dragon Ball z
10290149
I don't really know about that.
10288858
Sorry in case I sounded rude, and happy to help. I'm in college too!
10292701
No problem man.
I don't get it when a character who has levitating or air bending kind of powers can't use them to the full extent, ways and limit themselves to the stupid basics
You don't have to force choke them, just take the air away from their lungs or create an anti-air bubble around their head.
Even better expend their lungs from inside to break them, explode
Well, the hit wouldn't cause Thorax to bled out because the laser shot cauterizes the wound immediately.
He wouldn't need healing immediately but even then from that shot he shouldn't have healed and been able to walk
They don't have advanced medicine to heal laser wounds
Not really, they can't be even considered demigods
Long living has nothing to do with that
For example, Yoda's species can live for a very long time
10292818
For the first part of your comment, I really don't think about it plus I don't want the character to have all the force abilities or another power yet, I want him to learn like in the next chapter or the scene where he is alone and meditate for example. For the healing thing I thought it would make John and Jack more present and more humans than the other characters I don't have really developed (Aaron, Emma, and Astrid). And for the god part, I read a lot of stories with the sisters who where describe like goddesses so I don't really think about it.
PS: I really want to thank you, you made me realize some errors I made with all your comments so I sincerely thank you.
I'm not really into this, sorry. I think you should get an editor. There are groups on this site that will help you with that if you ask them. But other than that, I'm just not someone who likes the whole Equestrians are assholes to humans. The whole show is based around friendship and I know that they didn't react the best to Zecora and the other dragons, but they never once described them as beneath them. Unless you actually plan on having a pony ally join the group, which would probably be in the best interest, I don't plan on continuing.
It feels like English isn't your first language which is perfectly fine. I do think you should look up those groups with the editors so they can help you find easier ways to word things. Good luck in continuing this though.
10292861
I understand man don't worry after all I didn't expect every reader to like or love this story.
If you just out right kill civilians everytime, the it's going to be very difficult because more ponies will join the military. But if opposite, then you'll have some unlikely allies.
Edit: or some inside information.
10292923
on one hand you are right but on the other killing all does add the aspect of fear and unfeelingness to their side and with their armor and wepons and suficent training it might be possible to falt out terrify most avarage ponys into just running insted as it will most likly reach a point that enough of their numbers are trained to the point they can go up against whatever force celestia sends their way and not take casualtys
You really got to work on your spell check, cause I see a few mistakes here and there again. Also, great work.
10292923
10293120
GlitchyFox is right about that
A number of ponies joining the military will be a little bit higher, sure but the thing is.......... they are still ponies
That's why only a minimal,small number of them will join the army because of the attacks,the rest will run away and hide from the unknown enemy that can appear and attack at any moment
Maybe Mandalore will spread a message with the help of changelings in disguises, that if the slaves in towns will be freed, then these towns won't be attacked and spared as long as there also won't be large military presence prepared to attack, invade so only a small number of guards would be allowed
The intel from ponies isn't needed when you have changelings on your side that can do the same and even better
10294294
I'm glad you have seen what I wanted to do guys, in the next chapter you will have a surprise and I think it can be good. I just need to make the thing logic with the story of this Equestria.
10294294
And those who do join the army will likely be the brave and good ones who want to defend for good reasons. The supremacists who think it will be easy and likely the ones doing it for an alterer motives( eg crimalels getting absolved of crimes)
Chapter 6(5?) When?