Your eyes aren't playing tricks on you, a lone Synth is back and better than ever!
And things will go a bit smoother if everyone who reads and likes my stories also follow me.
Hey, this story is about a guy who goes to a convention dressed up as his own synth character named R-E-X. He finds the merchant, and guess what, ends up In Equestria right when Luna first turned into Nightmare Moon.
This will be a third story of mine, that might cross over to one of my other stories.
Disclaimer: I do not own the art, and I do not own mlp.
P.S. sex tag is only there for a few sex jokes.
Chapters (8)
Ok off to a rocky start, but I hope things pick up.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but dislikes will never harm me............
physically. Mentally however, maybe.
Don’t let anyone say to you that this story is bad.
It's hard to take the word of someone who has cursebringer as a username.
It is definitely a cool username tho.
We don't allow rewrites of stories to be submitted as new stories unless the changes are so significant that the two versions barely resemble each other anymore. That's definitely not the case with these two.
I've restored the original for you already; it's very easy for us to do, so if in the future you delete a story and then later change your mind, you need only ask. Any edits you wanted to make to the original should be made to the original story submission, though. Creating a whole new story post is double-dipping and generally an unfair and spammy sort of practice.
I did not know that but thank you for the info.
Great work keep it up
I predict in a few chapter Scootaloo would ask REX to build her wings to help her fly, and then Twilight would have idea of using them as rehabilitation for injured pegasi.
Hmmm... I am surprised Celestia hasn't planted any planks to his home for the past thousand years.
Dude if you are doing a trollestia and your character×Celestia romance in the creepiest way you can think of, kudos to you. I did not know how else to type my thoughts so try not to take it as a request or what ever.
Wow okay where to start? First things first I suppose; the idea. Your basic setting started of very rough, you followed a very “and then and then and then” style of writing which is an easy path to fall into, too much description and not enough space to make it feel natural, instead it felt like reading an end user license agreement, those things you click accept on without really reading? This is easily rectified, limit a paragraph to one description, two at maximum, for any one thing. You kept telling us what R-E-X looked like instead of giving us more interesting details. For example: “He was jet black”- granted this is straight and to the point, but when introducing the main character you ought to add some more pizazz to the whole thing. Maybe try “His skin/scales/coating were the color of the deepest of nights, where light would only reflect off his curves and show his silhouette.” In this way we not only get an idea of his color, but also the material he’s made out of, as something like stone or steel wouldn’t shine like say polished silver or obsidian might in the right environment.
Next the beginning of the story. The convention route is a easy form to follow, there’s loads of good examples to find on this particular platform. However in my opinion you skated through the convention too quickly, not enough time being given to describe where we are. Are we in the states? Which one? What year is it? What time of day is it? Things like this paint a very easy and quick to digest picture of our stage for our character to appear. Next is the time setting once we get to pony land. Choosing to go back to the clash between the sisters is an interesting time period to explore, either before Luna goes loco or after. Which is why it’s such a shame you spend no time at all developing the setting, an otherwise rarely explored portion of the MLP universe.
Next the characters. It’s very important to give thoughts and feelings about things early on in a story so we can understand who the main character is. Of course this depends of the perspective of the story, 1st person writing would be different than 3rd obviously but we don’t really get much in the way of character development before our protagonist is whisked off to horse world. Why is he at the convention? Is it for himself or is he going with a friend? How old is he? Does his family know where he is? Such questions can give us an easy plot hook for later use. If he had family, does he desire to see them again? If so how would he go about finding them? Stuff like that is used for later though, but is still a good thing to remember. Next is sun horse herself, she goes from banishing her sister to chatting up this random creature she found in a room like an hour later? No emotional baggage to deal with I suppose but it doesn’t make her a believable character. Also this, if the story truly starts at the banishment of Luna, why does Celestia have a generator? Much less a mechanical one? Much less, a generator that our main character is compatible with? Massive plot hole there, makes it hard to stay invested in the story. Our synth friend just met Celestia and is in such a rush to run off and go to sleep for a thousand years? Why? Once again, this is like going to Paris and instead of seeing the sights you go to a McDonald’s and order a side of fries. The incredible setting of the banishment of Luna is not explored at all, so many things and story beats are just left unexplored.
Next is editing. Not going to lie this really needs some serious work. Character dialogue is often on the same line, making it difficult to understand who is taking. Basic stuff like spacing and proper paragraphs are all over the place, there’s no structure at all making this a chore to read. If you need some examples of good structure, there’s a group on here dedicated to teaching some easy to follow rules to make writing and reading easier. Time skipping is used in its worst form in this story, being used as a way to skip large portions of time without any information to give meaning to the skips, just to get to the main timeline of the show. If that’s the case then why start so far back in the first place? If you want a previous connection to Celesita for Rex to have then it needs to be more than a token conversation and Celestia going to get a pack of cigarettes for rex before disappearing for a thousand years. It’s sloppy narratively and makes for bad reading, if you’re not going to put in the effort to describe why a thing is happening then why should the reader care at all?
In my opinion this fic is a mess, but one with good bones. With a little work and some good old fashioned elbow grease this fic can shine! Everything for a good story is here, interesting character premise, interesting starting time, open ended plot points to explore/abuse, freedom of direction! I like the idea but the execution needs work. Don’t be discouraged and lose hope, you’ve got the makings of greatness in ya! Keep it up!
10571745
They are just impatient, and lazy. They want a perfect story with perfect descriptions, character development, higher word count per chapter etc... They want every story written by a pro like Mogura, Goldfur, Queen Sanguine Dreams, GreatAzureDragon, Vdrake77, AkumaKami64, Orthoros, Hiver, Anzel, Crystal Wishes, Chaotic Ink, Plague Rat, Irrespective, whatmustido, Reykan, BaryonBrony, Borsuq, Aegis Shield, Kaidan, Bucking Nonsense, BronyWriter, LordBrony2040, Tarbtano, Andoriol, The King of Hearts, Autumn Breeze, Doccular42, Mr Stargazer, tkepner, Crensler, Thadius0, Midnight Shadow, Maltrazz, Calm Wind, Hopefull_Ink_Hoof, Garuda IV, David Silver, tom117z, Nightsclaw, Dapper_Dan, Boomstick Mick, TheAuthorIsSick, TheVClaw, Gentlehoof, Staadnauthursil etc... Speaking of, if you want amazing inspiration and an even better read, I'd highly recommend any of these authors, you will kill hours and even days, and I promise they will inspire and educate you in how to keep someone's attention... ... But back to my original point, they don't want to bother watching someone's progress from zero to hero, they just want hero, you know?
😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻MOAR!
A lot of skipping and no real meat.. kinda like panda express's new ribs. Its good but, it's practically nothing but bone, which also brings to the point that you have a real good foundation for your story to be built on, but you're wasting it! You sent him post nightmare moon and pre-new harmony, and did nothing with it. That had so much room to build expand and Let Loose! But, no you half-assed it and made him sleep through it. Then Mane 6 comes along and it's just whispering and Hi, then zapping. It's nothing to go off of, and i'm resorting to my own imagination to keep myself entertained. Something I shouldn't have to do, when you read it should be like movie in your head, but all I got is a severe case of "meh"
Needless to say I can wait for more. Keep writing, take the criticism with a grain of salt, not a handful, not a bag.
More writing = more words, and more experience.
Think of everything but do not over think it.
Plan it out, writing is like drawing, make a rough sketch and edit the shit out of it until you feel comfortable inking it, and don't forget to add color (The Meat).
All in all, ignore the thumbs down and write! Put all of your ideas on random pieces of paper, index cards or sticky notes and make them fit together,
And more importantly, enjoy yourself, have fun! Don't let assholes like me and worse get you down.
...
What
really?
Yes, really, I clearly said in the beginning there would be sex jokes.
If you can give me better jokes to use, I'll put em in.
Are synths like chakats, with their own established lore? I would love to read more about them but don't know where I could find such things. Your Story shows promise and there's plenty of room for improvement. The only major issue I have is that you should rely more on descriptive text then showing a picture of what he looks like
Not good with description, although I kill it at charades.
Has anyone reading this story even bothered reading my other stories?
I keep getting complaints about my grammar. Well I don't know how else to tell you, but what you've read so far is all that I know. I'm not good at grammar, I hardly learned anything from school, I can't even remember what I did in school.
10575576
This was the first story I found but I am considering reading A displaced Graboid... Maybe The Dark One Has Risen after reading this chapter.
ghidorah what is that some type of godzilla universe stuff that I don't know
Probably, if you don't know Godzilla lore, you should educate yourself with a few of the old movies.
I own about most of the Godzilla movies on dvd and blueray. You should watch every one, you won't regret it. But don't go poking holes in the science. Nobody likes a guy who ruins the movie magic.
...yes more Robotic Quotes pls...
Anyone have an idea for next chapter?
Chapter 6 coming soon
Go to RWBY
He doesn’t have to be mean to her
hey thats my RP name
I want to know what happened with them
10591129
He wasn't, celestia was blaming him for something he didnt do
Celestia needs to Apologize! And have the Guards get REAL Training and NOT be Xenophobic/Racist Assholes!
Seriously, I hope he is faking it. I know dying is terrible. But pleading sounds a little like a chicken move. I don't know why I personally sound disappointed with this!
But, I just like very tough OC's with Little to No Fear. And have a Backbone and Willpower of Super Steel/Titanium, Katchin ( DBZ), Uru Metal, and Adamantine/Vibranium Alloy (Marvel), and even Tungsten that REX said.
WTF!!!! Dick Move, Mamoru! Dick Move! 😒
Plus, DON'T you remember that Superman is important in the DC Comic's Earth! And even the DC Comics/MLP Equestria Girls Galaxy would be DOOMED without Superman himself you Dumbass Dummy!
10572882
No, what we want is something with actual effort put into it.
One--inch tungsten plating...
(facepalms)
Tungsten is comparable in density to uranium or lead; your character should barely be able to move much less fly at supersonic speeds.
Just once, can we get a Displaced fic that doesn't portray the Princesses as xenophobic and/or incompetent?
Sounds like a useful ability...until you slam into a tree at over 2000 miles per hour.
Yes, because a society without electricity or even steam engines would have generators just laying around.
Sorry people, but I’ve stopped this story. See description in most recent chapter.
My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined
But I understand
Yeah my day aint so great either.
10654761
I hope that it can get better
As long as you give us a heads-up if someone picks it up, so we can go follow them.
10654761
Your good
! I rather like the story as the idea of a synth in Equestria was a good idea. And it was this story that got me interested in seeing other stories with synths, as my view on the Synths are similar to the Chakats. You're a good author when your ideas are set straight, I hope I can see what else you can finish.
10617509
Xenophobia is quite the overused plot device for either Celestia or the Six.. Even im guilty of using it. I can understand the critique against it, though for newer writers? Its a crutch.
so is it completed or canceled
hay continue it