The Ultimate Weapon

NaiadSagaIotaOar #1 · Feb 25th, 2020 · 12 · · To Another World ·

So, a couple of things I'd point out before getting to the actual story. For one, you spend more time in the description telling us to go easy on it and acting preemptively defensive than you do actually describing the story. This doesn't make a good first impression--especially when you then tell us what kinds of comments you don't want and call out some negative phrases as being "disrespectful", it really makes it sound like you can't handle criticism and only want to be told good things. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that's an exaggeration, but when you're defending your story before I've even seen any of it... yeah, that doesn't raise my hopes. Good stories should be able to stand on their own.

The other thing I would point out is that your actual descriptions of the story both have typos in them.

So I've been sent to another world, fine. but why did I had to be the only male here?! But another thing, why am i a cybernetic gizoid? I'm not complaining but... shit.

Lowercase "but" at the beginning of the second sentence, "had" where you should have said "have," lowercase "I" in the third sentence.

A guy is sent to Equestria as a cyborg gizoid. shits gonna go down.

Lowercase word at the start of the second sentence, missing apostrophe in "shit's".

So, just to clarify. It took me probably less time to catch all those errors than it would have for me to write a disclaimer as long as the one you put here. So the message that sends is that you're more willing to let people know that your story isn't bad than you are to actually put in the effort and make it not bad. Again, I'm not saying that's actually the case, just that that's the impression I get from this story's page.

But anyway. Onto the actual story.

Probably the biggest issue I have with it is how it opens. You've got this massive wall of text just rattling off a list of details about the character and what he likes and what his life story is and everything. I don't have a problem with any of the details you've presented--you could probably make a decent character out of a backstory like that, and him using video games as escapism and really latching onto certain characters honestly isn't the worst idea out there. I think a lot of people could probably relate to that to a degree, and it's good that you've spent some time thinking about what this character values.

My problem is that you chose to present all that information in just about the least interesting way you could have done so. All this information, all this stuff, it's packed into two paragraphs. No scenes, just summary. I might as well have read a Wikipedia page on the guy.

I would really urge you to spend more time than that setting up your main character. I don't think you necessarily need all those details right away--a single more fleshed-out scene just focusing on showing us one of those facets of him you described would probably have made a much better introduction to him than a laundry list of exposition.

PotatoManato

PotatoManato #2 · Feb 25th, 2020 · 2 · · To Another World ·

arandomboi12

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