• Member Since 21st Jun, 2020
  • offline last seen 10 minutes ago

No name 13


Ponies gone evil? Is this the end? Oh no....

E

Sunset and Starlight together. What could possibly go wrong?

....

....

Her friends getting jelly. Duh.

Takes place after mirror magic.

Moi 100 follower story! Sorry if it's incomplete! I'll try and finish it soon!

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 28 )

Sunset smiled. "Your right Starlight. It is quite peaceful. Say, how's everything going in Equestria?"

*You're
Sorry, I hate being that guy but this and the their/there/they're typos trigger me to no end.

Twilight /sci twi is actually quite rude to Sunset over starlight

It was another day at canterlot mall, and Starlight was hanging out with her best friend, Sunset Shimmer. It was a bit of a coincedence that the two were hanging out together, specially after the whole mirror magic incident with Juniper Montage. And so the two girls were sitting at a table, drinking some smoothes.

That was when Trixie (the Equestrian one) swore to get vengeance on Sunset Shimmer for stealing her best friend/marefriend.

Her attempts are said to do nothing but make Sunset laugh.

I feel like the dialogue between the two of them near the start was a tad too formal. Try focusing on more relaxed words that feel less stuffy for them to say, since this is supposed to just be a laid back conversation for now. Just one example was Starlight saying "You're right Starlight, it is quite peaceful." Try something like "You're right Starlight, It's pretty peaceful." It's not a huge thing, obviously, but I just feel like it would make the dialogue come out more naturally since I don't really think anyone aside from Rarity talks like that normally. Chapter seemed interesting so far though, but I can't help but feel a sense of foreboding through all of this. I don't imagine things will STAY peaceful.

I like the direction this is taking, although I did notice you tend to shift between writing perspectives sometimes. Try your best to stick with past tense phrasing when writing in third person omniscient like I'm assuming you're trying to do here. For now, I wonder what's got Twi and the gals' panties in a bunch. So Sunset wants to spend time with a friend? Big whoop, no reason to freak out.

Starlight nodded in agreement. She was very tired after a good day like this. So the two of them head over to Sunset's house to get some rest.

Starlight nodded, suppressing a yawn. The two headed over to Sunset's house to get some rest.

The reason for this edit is that this quote here is a bit heavy handed, especially as you emphasis the time earlier as well. Hopefully this sounds more natural, and you could possibly put in some dialogue here in addition, I think it might flow even better!

That is what Twilight asked one morning at Canterlot high in the band room. "We can't practice without her! Whare is she?"

where is she? not whare is she

"Again?! Wasn't yesterday enough for her?!" Rainbow said with a rather angry tone of voice.

http://www.spwickstrom.com/said/#anger
such as
Rainbow raged
or
Rainbow grumbled
or
Rainbow snarled

"Hey sunset..... Can we talk?" asked Twilight with a concerned tone of voice.

Concerned, Twilight asked "Hey sunset..... Can we talk?"
We already know that it is Twilight speaking, and "concerned tone of voice" just tells us that she is concerned. What you did is fine english, however, it is rather awkward sounding and a bit stilted as well.

Now Twilight was feaurious. First, she comes into the room 10 minutes late, then she dosn't show up for practice yesterday, and now this?! This was outragious to Twilight! "Fine! If that's your case, then maybe you shouldn't come at all! And no, we do not have one for Starlight. What happened to you Sunset Shimmer? You never skipped a day of practice! Why do it now?"

furious, not feaurious,
doesn't, not dosn't
outrageous, not outragious
also do
This was outrageous! "Fine! ......"
*the many dots are signaling the rest of the dialogue

I appreciate the 4th wall break at the end, and interesting story, I wonder why twilight is acting so to starset (starlight / sunset)

10388709
and I appreciate your feedback. I will do my best to make the next chapter better. Count on it!

I like it alot so far, also the main six in this story do kinda seem like douche's.

10441213
tried to make it as long as I could.... :P

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