Sunset and Starlight together. What could possibly go wrong?
....
....
Her friends getting jelly. Duh.
Takes place after mirror magic.
Moi 100 follower story! Sorry if it's incomplete! I'll try and finish it soon!
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 21st Jun, 2020
- offline last seen Dec 13th, 2023
Leafy
๐๐ฝ'๐ผ ๐ฒ๐ป๐ธ๐ท๐ฒ๐ฌ ๐ฑ๐ธ๐ ๐ฏ๐ช๐ฝ๐ฎ ๐ฌ๐ช๐ท ๐ซ๐ฎ~
Leafy
Joined 21st Jun, 2020 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Leafy · 1k words · 28 3 · 518 views
- 9spaceking · 1.2k words · 10 0 · 412 views
- Leafy · 1k words · 19 4 · 555 views
Featured In21
The Writers' Group56,389 stories ·9,291 members
Humanized Ponies!5,597 stories ·3,468 members
School for New Writers9,608 stories ·5,008 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,225 stories ·5,456 members
Equestria Girls Fics12,109 stories ·3,767 members
Sunset Shimmer6,735 stories ·4,922 members
New Groups303 stories ·559 members
Starlight Glimmer2,901 stories ·1,539 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.109 seconds
Total duration
689 users online
1,021,145 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
10369557
heh. X3
Third comment from moi :3
10369917
so! What you think about it?
XD
10369926
Good so far :3
10369929
*You're
Sorry, I hate being that guy but this and the their/there/they're typos trigger me to no end.
10370035
oopies! Sorry bout that!
That was when Trixie (the Equestrian one) swore to get vengeance on Sunset Shimmer for stealing her best friend/marefriend.
Her attempts are said to do nothing but make Sunset laugh.
I feel like the dialogue between the two of them near the start was a tad too formal. Try focusing on more relaxed words that feel less stuffy for them to say, since this is supposed to just be a laid back conversation for now. Just one example was Starlight saying "You're right Starlight, it is quite peaceful." Try something like "You're right Starlight, It's pretty peaceful." It's not a huge thing, obviously, but I just feel like it would make the dialogue come out more naturally since I don't really think anyone aside from Rarity talks like that normally. Chapter seemed interesting so far though, but I can't help but feel a sense of foreboding through all of this. I don't imagine things will STAY peaceful.
I like the direction this is taking, although I did notice you tend to shift between writing perspectives sometimes. Try your best to stick with past tense phrasing when writing in third person omniscient like I'm assuming you're trying to do here. For now, I wonder what's got Twi and the gals' panties in a bunch. So Sunset wants to spend time with a friend? Big whoop, no reason to freak out.
Really like it so far, keep up the good work.
Starlight nodded, suppressing a yawn. The two headed over to Sunset's house to get some rest.
The reason for this edit is that this quote here is a bit heavy handed, especially as you emphasis the time earlier as well. Hopefully this sounds more natural, and you could possibly put in some dialogue here in addition, I think it might flow even better!
where is she? not whare is she
http://www.spwickstrom.com/said/#anger
such as
Rainbow raged
or
Rainbow grumbled
or
Rainbow snarled
Concerned, Twilight asked "Hey sunset..... Can we talk?"
We already know that it is Twilight speaking, and "concerned tone of voice" just tells us that she is concerned. What you did is fine english, however, it is rather awkward sounding and a bit stilted as well.
furious, not feaurious,
doesn't, not dosn't
outrageous, not outragious
also do
This was outrageous! "Fine! ......"
*the many dots are signaling the rest of the dialogue
I appreciate the 4th wall break at the end, and interesting story, I wonder why twilight is acting so to starset (starlight / sunset)
10388709
and I appreciate your feedback. I will do my best to make the next chapter better. Count on it!
looking great so far, cant wait to see more.
Rainbow is being an envious jerk.
10440151
And that was the whole point.
I like it alot so far, also the main six in this story do kinda seem like douche's.
10440588
I'm glad you like it!
10441213
tried to make it as long as I could.... :P