Day 2, part 1: An interrupted band practice (among other things)
"Has anyone seen Sunset?"
That is what Twilight asked one morning at Canterlot high in the band room. "We can't practice without her! Whare is she?"
Spike decided to speak up. "Uh guys? Isn't she hanging out with Starlight? Just like yesterday?"
"Again?! Wasn't yesterday enough for her?!" Rainbow said with a rather angry tone of voice.
"Oh! Hey everyone! Sorry I'm late, but I brought a friend!" Starlight comes out from behind Sunset and waves to everyone. Unfortunately, nobody was intrested.
"Hey sunset..... Can we talk?" asked Twilight with a concerned tone of voice.
"Sure! What's up?" Sunset said as she walked over to Twilight.
"Sunset..... Haven't you been Hanging out with Starlight too much? I mean, you did skip practice yesterday to be with her....."
"I did? Oops..... Sorry. Totally forgot we had practice....."
Now Twilight was confused. How could she forget? "But..... You were the one to plan for us to have practice that day........ How did you forget?"
"I honestly don't know. Must have slipped my mind. Say, do we have a spare instrument for Starlight?"
Now Twilight was feaurious. First, she comes into the room 10 minutes late, then she dosn't show up for practice yesterday, and now this?! This was outragious to Twilight! "Fine! If that's your case, then maybe you shouldn't come at all! And no, we do not have one for Starlight. What happened to you Sunset Shimmer? You never skipped a day of practice! Why do it now?"
This one left Sunset in a tizziy. She wanted to spend time with her friends, and Starlight at the same time! If only she could....
Suddenly, Rainbow Dash walks over with an uneasy look. "Hey Twilight? Sunset? Do we have any spare guitars? I kinda broke mine......"
Twilight slapped her head to show clear signs of annoyance. "Ugh, it's in the storage room. Go and get one for your self." Twilight said with a rather sharp tone. She didn't wanna deal with this nonsense that's going on, so she went on back to her bandmates, and began practising. Sunset begain to worry for her friends. Was her skipping practice just to hang out with another friend?
"Hey Sunset. You okay? You seem to be wandering off. Is something wrong?" Starlight said as she walked over to Sunset.
"Huh? Oh! Nonono. I'm fine really. Why you ask?"
"You seemed to be lost in thought, so........."
Starlight wasn't kidding when she said that. Sunset really was lost in her own thoughts. She was trying to figure out how to handle this problem. After all, this one was a biggie, unlike her past problems.
"I'll be fine, trust me. Has there ever been a problem I can't solve?" Sunset said with a lot of confidence. She was sure she was gonna solve this problem before Starlight leaves back to Equestria.......
"So! What do you wanna do after school? I could go for some ice cream. What do you say?"
At that moment, all of Sunset's friends looked at her, waiting for her decision.
"l-I...... Uh......"
To be continued in part 2........
"Aw come on no name! Be fair!"
(gah! Pinkie!)
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10369557
heh. X3
Third comment from moi :3
10369917
so! What you think about it?
XD
10369926
Good so far :3
10369929
I like the direction this is taking, although I did notice you tend to shift between writing perspectives sometimes. Try your best to stick with past tense phrasing when writing in third person omniscient like I'm assuming you're trying to do here. For now, I wonder what's got Twi and the gals' panties in a bunch. So Sunset wants to spend time with a friend? Big whoop, no reason to freak out.
Really like it so far, keep up the good work.
where is she? not whare is she
http://www.spwickstrom.com/said/#anger
such as
Rainbow raged
or
Rainbow grumbled
or
Rainbow snarled
Concerned, Twilight asked "Hey sunset..... Can we talk?"
We already know that it is Twilight speaking, and "concerned tone of voice" just tells us that she is concerned. What you did is fine english, however, it is rather awkward sounding and a bit stilted as well.
furious, not feaurious,
doesn't, not dosn't
outrageous, not outragious
also do
This was outrageous! "Fine! ......"
*the many dots are signaling the rest of the dialogue
I appreciate the 4th wall break at the end, and interesting story, I wonder why twilight is acting so to starset (starlight / sunset)
10388709
and I appreciate your feedback. I will do my best to make the next chapter better. Count on it!
looking great so far, cant wait to see more.