Diaries of an Equestrian Overlord

by KitsuneRisu

9th March

9.00 AM

Well, they're all fine. Now I have to deal with the fallout.

Firstly, because I was in the dark, and I hate being in the dark, here is a copy of the report that Spike left for me regarding the entire matter.

Re: Report on Rarity Kidnapping Case
8th March 3484

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hi! It's me. Um...Spike, that is. I keep forgetting you can't see me through these letters. Anyway, uh, you probably remember that I sent you that S.O.S. yesterday about Rarity, and I know, I know, I'm not supposed to use those for anything but real emergencies, but it really was!

I mean, it's Rarity, you know? She's really pretty and awesome, and she was kidnapped, so I just had to let you know and, I won't do it again, unless it's a really real emergency next time.

So, anyway, uh, Twilight Sparkle's training is going really really good, and she's getting to be really strong, and she knows tons of tricks!

I think you'll be really proud of her, Princess, I mean, because she's learning things really quickly and stuff.

I mean during the rescue, she even managed to do Rarity's magic! That's gotta be really hard, right? I mean, I don't know how to do magic like you guys but, still, it's pretty impressive.

Anyway, this is a report on the kidnapping as you requested, so, here is the report stuff.

At around noon yesterday, Rarity came to see me at the library. I thought she was there to see Twilight, but she actually just wanted me! I mean, that was really totally unexpected. So of course I had to help her, I couldn't just leave her alone, since she said that only I could do what she needed.

It turns out that Sapphire Shores visited her that morning .THE Sapphire Shores! Did you even know she was gonna visit Ponyville? That was so rad. I'm bummed that I missed her! Hey, you know her, don't you Princess? Maybe you could, you know, hook me up some time huh? But anyway, yeah, so Sapphire Shores visited, and told Rarity that she wanted, like, 5 totally hot new costumes to wear during her show!

So Rarity had to go out and get some gems, but you know, she didn't want to get her hooves dirty, and I'm really good at digging. So of course she asked me, right? I mean, it's totally obvious, seeing how I'm the best at everything and all that.

So we went to that rocky mountain area with all the stones and stuff, and we brought a little red wagon, and she was totally asking me to dig up all those precious, delicious, mouth-watering, tasty, um... jewels, and can you believe it, she made me choose between her and the gems!

She totally said I couldn't have any to eat, and I was like, really hungry because I left right away and didn't take my sandwich with me, which was kind of sad because it was a dirt and gravel sandwich, and I made it fresh, and it's not going to be fresh anymore.

But if you have to choose between Lady Rarity and Gems I think I'll go for Rarity, because Rarity can find more Gems and if you eat Gems, you can't find any more if you make Rarity mad.

Twilight told me that when Rarity does this she is being a 'harlot'. What does that mean?

Anyway so we were getting lots of diamonds and stuff for Rarity so that she could make her clothing for Sapphire Shores, and boy, was I getting really tired, and really really hungry, and that was when she gave me a huge big blue diamond! It was a personal reward from her.

I was so happy that I didn't eat it straight away, because it was a gift, and you don't eat gifts in front of others, Twilight always says.

Then suddenly these creepy guys come out of totally nowhere, and they grab Rarity, and drag her into this big hole they dug! They called themselves the Diamond Dogs, I think. Do you know who they are? I don't remember them being around the area before, and, you know, I know the area quite well, I think.

She was totally screaming, and yelling, "Help me Spike, save me, if you save me I will love you forever!" and I was totally like "Yes, Rarity, do not worry, for I will save you with my own two hands," and I ran back to town to get help because I couldn't save her.

Then I got to town and found Twilight, because she always knows what to do, because she's really smart and full of magic, and that's when I sent you the emergency scroll, and then I don't know why but Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash decided to come along as well but for some reason no one else.

But it was ok, there was 6 of us, and the only one who was important was me and Twilight anyway!

But when we got back there wasn't one hole, there were 30 or maybe 40 or maybe even 50 holes! And then they all started exploding with dirt, and I don't even know how they did that, but it kind of looked pretty cool, but there wasn't any time to really admire it.

So Applejack had a brilliant idea, which was strange because Twilight usually has the brilliant ideas, and she totally said to dig, which is a good idea because if you had a hole full of dirt, you could always dig it out, for sure!

So they all started to dig, and I was running around giving them support, and they were all doing pretty well for Ponies, you know, considering, but the Diamond Dogs were totally better at it, because they could just come up through the dirt like it was just water, and they were fish, inside the water, and they were just swimming through the water, like fish.

And they started to attack everypony, and it was a total mess!

Ha ha, mess, get it? Because of the dirt?

And uh... well everypony got hurt pretty bad. I think Fluttershy broke her leg, and one of them came out from behind a dirt pile and tripped me up, so I couldn't do anything but lie there.

But then after we stopped digging, they left us alone. I think they thought we gave up because they suddenly disappeared and didn't really do anything after that, which was weird, because they kind of only attacked for 20 seconds.

But then, I got an idea. Not Twilight, but me. I was totally brilliant, and I remember I had that gem that Rarity gave me, which I luckily didn't eat because when I went back to town I got my sandwich.

There was a hole there which didn't have any dirt in it, which must have been the master hole, or something. Now that I think about it, we probably should just have gone down that one from the start, but I think we didn't see it because it was cleverly hidden by the other holes. Twilight says that's called 'hiding in plain sight'.

So I took that big blue diamond, and I told the other Ponies, let's use this diamond I got as bait, so that we can esna ensnair trap the dogs, but all of them didn't know what I was talking about because my plan was just really too smart.

Twilight was even trying to hog all the glory again, and like, totally tell me not to do my plan because she wanted to come up with a better plan and be the best, but I knew it would work because it was a really good plan.

Anyway it had to be me because I wanted Rarity to know that it was my plan that got her out, you know? Not Twilight, as always, saving the day, but this time Spike! Yeah, Spike, the Saviour of Rarity. That's what they'll call me from now on, I'm sure.

So it was easy, anyway. All I did was take out the gem and my fishing pole that I always bring along for emergency fishing out of that invisible, uber-depth fanny pack that you gave me, and I tied the gem to the fishing line. That is brilliant!

Both the plan and the gem. Get it? Brilliant?

And all the while Twilight was like "Don't do that, silly, you're going to die," and I was like "No way, I will save Rarity!"

And it actually worked! Because next thing we all knew, we were flying down the hole because some dog or... at least I hope it was a dog, took it, and was probably bringing it back to wherever they put the gems. And he could run REALLY REALLY fast because we were like flying through the tunnels, and I'm not sure why it went on that long but I think it was very far away.

But finally we ended up in a big cavern, which had many paths leading away from the main chamber place, as if we were standing inside a big hollow octopus.

And that was kind of frustrating, because we had to rescue Rarity really quickly before she got mud in her hair, which would have made her start to cry, and a crying Rarity is a 'terrible nuisance', as Twilight says.

But I totally knew where to go because I knew what they wanted to do with Rarity, which is to make her find gems, so obviously they would take her to a place where there's loads of gems, right? I'm totally smart! Spike comes through! Yeah!

So I told Twilight to use her magic to steal Rarity's powers, because Twilight can do anything.

Hey, does she know that she can do anything? I mean like... she practices her magic right? But... why can she take other Ponies' magic as well? Isn't that like... unfair? I don't know, it's like if you were playing a game of hide the radish with her, but she always knew where the radish was, it wouldn't be fun. It's sort of like that.

We were running down that long tube of stone, right? And I totally got it right because Rarity was there, and we could hear her screaming from the other side, and then we definitely got it right because suddenly a bunch of dirty smelly dogs dropped from the ceiling, got onto the Ponies' backs and started to ride them really hard.

And it was pretty terrible for me because I was riding Twilight when that happened, and I totally got sandwiched between Twilight and a dog! It didn't stop him though, he was really rough and rode Twilight as if I weren't even there. They were totally pounding all of us silly and they took out these ropes, and started to bind everypony up!

It was horrible, you never want to see a Pony in bondage, but that's what they were doing, and they were going to use us for some kind of slaves.

But then Applejack decided to really buck them hard, like I'd never seen before! It was comparable to last year's championships, and eventually everypony decided to join in with the bucking. Pretty soon the dogs were getting bucked left and right and having their brains bucked out, and they couldn't take it anymore, and they just got bucked off.

Even Fluttershy managed to eject her dog! I never knew she could buck that strong and fast!

I guess the dogs didn't really take kindly to rough bucking, because they all ran away with their tails soft and drooping between their legs. It was really funny to watch!

But with that done, we finally found the place where Rarity was being kept. It was behind this big steel-barred door, which was the only door in the place, for some reason, and it didn't do any good to keep the wind out because it had holes in it. Why would you make a door like that? I'm not sure, but anyway, I picked up a lance, and I asked Twilight to charge, and I totally busted the door down.

I think it was old and rusty because it literally broke apart like if you hit a cupboard with a hammer.

Then I went in and the three Diamond Dogs who kidnapped her was there, and I went straight up to them and I was like "Hah! I have arrived. You thought you could escape, could you?" And they were cowering behind a stalacmstaglamite rock pillar and they were like "Pleaseeee take Rarity, just don't hurt us!" and I was like "You better not do it again!" and they were totally like "Ok, just don't hurt us! We're sorry Spike! You are the master of all, and saviour of Rarity!"

And I guess that's when we stole all their Diamonds and left. They were nice enough to show us a back exit so we wouldn't have to carry five heavy metal carts full of diamonds up a straight vertical hole, although I'm sure if Twilight tried she could carry them with her amazing magic skills.

Anyway, everything's alright now, and Rarity is safe, and all the clothing is being made, and everypony's happy, and I was given a bunch of leftovers, so I'm all happy, because gems are the best thing in the world to eat. Why would you even want to put them on clothing anyway? That's just a waste.

Catch you later next time, Princess!

Yours,
Spike.

I have also received a letter from the Diamond Dogs Mining Company:

Dears Princess Celstias,

Our idea not work so wells

Theives tooks our Diamonds

We will give you doubles next wekk, plus more to say sorry for delays of shipement.

Please dont fire us.

Loves,

Diamond Dogs Office of Consumer Relationships

I think it's fair to say that I cannot accurately trust either report. Spike's priorities seem skewed in some way, and I think Rarity might be at the centre of it all.

I really hate to say it, but I think the source of his strange mannerisms lately is due to the fact that he might have grown feelings for her. I will have to give him a lobotomy with my horn the next time he visits. His foreign relations mission is coming up soon, and I can't have him jeopardize that.

So.

It seems that while Rarity has in fact, managed to complete her suits for Sapphire Shores as agreed, and potentially, the trade interest in diamonds will rise, I will not be able to supply a primary amount to the market at low costs. I will, in fact, have to raise prices because of low stock, in order to keep things profitable.

I am not sure how I am going to get out of this one.

Comments

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

And I guess that's when we stole all their Diamonds and left. They were nice enough to show us a back exit so we wouldn't have to carry five heavy metal carts full of diamonds up a straight vertical hole, although I'm sure if Twilight tried she could carry them with her amazing magic skills.

Wasn’t there 6, one for each of them?

[Dashie04]

Life before the lobotomy...

Spike sang the eulogy...